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Unread 05-04-2018, 08:11 AM
myapie myapie is offline
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Re: what kind of woman this Virgo is attracted to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Osamenor View Post
Is living with your parents as an adult what people usually do in Poland? Or is that unusual, and they're holding you back? It sounds like they're holding you back in some ways, but I don't want to assume that having you live with them is holding you back if it's the norm where you live.

It does sound like moving out would help. At the very least, you would have some space from your parents. You could decide if and when you wanted to see them. You could start figuring out what you really want that might be different from what they want.

I thought there might be some kind of sexual trauma in your life, but didn't want to suggest it in case it wasn't true or you weren't ready to share. That doesn't necessarily mean being raped, but smaller trauma is still trauma. Feeling shame about your body, and shame about being touched by a boyfriend when you (presumably) want him to, is a kind of sexual trauma. Pluto square Venus can indicate sexual trauma in your life, especially when there's more in the chart to suggest it. In your case, there is. Not only is your Pluto square Venus, it's on the cusp of your fifth house--fifth and eighth houses are associated with sexuality--and in Scorpio, which is also associated with sexuality.

We're also looking, in this square, at trauma or denial of femininity. Lots of women feel shame about their periods, but that in itself is a sign of femininity being denied. Menstrual cycles are part of feminine power. If you're made ashamed of it, that's denying your power.

actually i felt kind of resistant to my sexuality since i remember - even in high school. men were just pulling back to me.

the same happened 3 years ago with the man i described.

people think that i wait until marriage- or i just sek for a husband material and i am a good girl.

i had some inner blockage i think that closed in 2017.
even the last man that i had - it was in 2015 ( 3 years ago...) pulled away ( i think because of my vibrations) and then came back in some months to check.

i was/i am inexperienced and i am ashamed of it. its because of that.

i have always been maybe bigger and i didnt like my body.

my parents have never told me to excercise or even they didnt enroll me on some sport courses. i was always alone at home going out only with my sister or parents untill I FOUND OUT i needed to change it.

in poland its normal to live with parents.
its because of taxes and the amount of money you earn that is not compatibile with the expenses.

of course i cant make excauses because i dont make a lot of money now ( since 8 months ihave been unepmployed) . i have started to seeek a job in architecture now even when i am not graduated.


i thought i would rest after my period in spain but i see i need to do a lot of stuff because my life just flows away.

i did 2 film projects ( i make set design for student film projects as an architecture student) i do my diploma but i do not earn money normally . i know people make money by being freelance but i somehow understood that i am not a freelance person.

living with parents maybe holds me back but my parents are very open and normal.
they do not make 'banning' or forbide me do anything.

but its like i feel like in high school.



my mum told me that she wants me to move out with my future boyfriend to his place. either way she will not agree ..

for me its normal to move out to 1 person or 2 person flat to see how it is to live....


my parents are not very rich and they have always made this kind of bubble on me and my sister. i am slower than my friends because i didnt have 'things' that they had the same time of live.

of course i was working in jobs and in architecture before, i was making money, i did a lot on scholarships. but i didnt have enough income to live by my own.

its like - when you get a job in architecture you get 1800-2000 PLN first - ( 450-500 euro). usual 1 person flat costs 1200 PLN ( 300 euro) and more.

1 room in shared flat costs 700-800 PLN ( 175 -200 euro). i tried to live like that and i couldnt.


there are different payements in business or IT or maths sector. around 5000 PLN or higher.

architecture is veyr badly payed in poland.

and i am not gonna change it because i dont want to work in corporation or other stuff.
thats why i wait here.



but anyway, living with parents a bit holds me back especially when my parents ( dad) is lazy and he is addicted to his family ( mother) . the roots are very big and its been struggle for my mum to cut it for years. that is why she turned out to me and my sister to seek help but somehow i wanna live my life first and then listen to other problems.

she is always empathetic and make me feel guilty for the things i wanna do for myself.
i told her this many times- she doesnt understand as she would think im paranoied.




every relation with men was analysed by me and my mum. i make the same pattern as my mum with her romantic lives. she had the same problems as me. i wanna cut the pattern but actually i dont know why.

i make the same mistakes.

but i regret she never told me much about men and sexual stuff like it would be tabu. i needed to know it myself or with my girl friends. that was weird.



my sister is very closed. she attracts older men like a Dad- type. even older and larger than her.

i wanna have fun and i wanna attract people my age. whenever i start doing it something is disturbed. someone always disturbs me as it have been before.
Taurus woman Twice before, Capricorn woman even more before.

my ex best friendm taurus woman she told me after some drinks ( when we were still friends, now we are strangers, i cut the contact fast) that she didnt like my behaviour when i was younger because i was spontanious and funny.

it was her to have problems in life and she ( in her mind) wanted me to have bad life.

she was always outgoing and she was meeting and introducing me with her friends. but even having her boyfriend she was jealous of me getting attention from her friends.
i realised that in 2016 and cut the contact very fast.
we met in 2008 in high school. when i started dating some IT guy from her IT class. of course when i appeared in her environment she must have started being my best friend.

( to get to know the rival) and knowing my insecurities she was playing with me.
i didnt relaise that.

it was also bad because i felt like i didnt have my own opinion.
she knew she subconsiousely makes moves to weaker people.


it ALL trapped me in a box. and made me feel that.

growing up and that woman. because it lasted 8 years... ( with some breaks).
i have been warned by my mum and sister about her- i didnt wanna listen.


that is why i was so scared when i met this Virgo man.
and its 1st time in maybe a year or more that i feel 'nice' and feel friendly surrounded with him.

before even my appearance and face were harsh and difficult because of trauma, this taurus woman, other friends, me didnt have money and etc.

now i dont wanna ruin it.


the best thing is that- when i wait and live my life my exes? i dont know how to say- ex friends and ex boyfriends come back and they are interested in what i do.

i know people like that .
and exes always check. even the guy ( a friend of taurus woman- he is not a friend of her anymore).

so i have some kind of nostalgia. because there have been people that could have been someones in my life but some circumstances (outside or inner) didnt let it.

what if i know that this taurus woman was sticking her nose in my relation and have been jealous of me and this guy? what if now i know that she gossiped of me to him and it changed his mind?


is it bad if i reconnect with him?i dont think so.
we have never been in normal relationship. there have always been someone third. ( her).

so now, when i have an eye on this Virgo man, i started also meeting my ex or -wanna-be boyfriends- from the past.

and i am not sure if i should be friends with them or not.





PS maybe its also because i was rushing up with my life and i was not stable and generally 'calm'. architecture is difficult comparing to other professions. i was the only 1 from my high school to get into. even if i was meeting friends from outside being at university at architecture department, i knew and i felt like they had more lives than me.


that is why i sacrificed something . some life here to go abroad and live abroad. summing up everything i lived abroad more than 2 years in Spain and France.

people are jalous of it but somehow i had an inner struggle being at my uni because i knew i was 25 or 26 , still having 1 or 1.5 year to graduate, no boyfriend, every relation was demaged, people were gossiping at me and etc.
i went to spain in february 2017. i came back in september 2017.
i was studying and working. i think that i loaded my batteries but actually now i am againg on a low level.

people think it was very easy abroad, it was not. i must have struggled with everything. flats, income and etc, only school was ok.


i was always in a rush with myself, no own opinion, rush to be the best at school and etc.
it was bad.
noone understood that.
people were 'gliding over my back' ( ? in poland we have the saying that you do a lot and people follow you being even better because you as a leader are tired with no strenght to go further- but they have strenght and go over you).

i had a tendency to live fast and with short periods. even now when i see my CV i see that i was making a LOT of short stages, jobs not one long or etc.

i fremember i was feeling of a lack of something. i was always wanting more, changing jobs, changing people and etc.


now since 2017 after my come back to poland again i feel more grounded and stable.
i feel better myself.

i remember that i have been popular since high school but every failure in my life i covered with work or other project to gain more in my CV.

i was lost. now i want better job, longer job as i would like to have some long relationship.

even the guy ( that my taurus woman was interrupting )one 1 hand was a party man with a lot of friends, but still his life was grounded and stable! he was choosing very calm women after me ( i spied on facebook).

so maybe i will as one more question_ do you think that now since 2017 i will be more grounded and stable? it was ALL because of me and my problems/ insecurities that i needed to overcome.

now when i am home 8 months i feel better inside, i have inner calm even though i dont have a job and i can be perceived as a unhappy person writing about my sexual past with ( almost ) no men.

but i feel grounded. i feel better in my mind. like i would have grown up somehow and my psyche is stable.

i hope you understand. i was thinking it s maybea result of my saturn return and all of the aspects i have encountered in my path.

as i saw in my natal chart since december 23 i had my saturn in my 5th house which indicated problems in relationships.
actually i feel better now more light but i dont wanna lose it.


in the past i had an inner fear to compare with others , to live my life but to compare with other people ( Those friends of Taurus woman) because i didnt feel good enough. she was an IT student, now works in it since 5 years , earns a loooooot of money, is rich, but IT is other profession than Architecture and Scenography...
She was always telling me ( as a friend) i needed to improve, that she didnt like me when i was happy, that she didnt like when i was spontanious.i perceived her as my real good friend from high school. even though she was 1 class older than me.

still when i think about it i have an inner blockage and pain because somehow i let her rule my life.
and she with her bad habits and family insecurities wanted to 'help' me in a way with mothering me.
it was a toxic relation.

everythime i met with fer i felt bad that i needed to prove myself.

it cant be like that in relations....

i feel better now but regret my past. because i dont know ho weak i must have been to let her in my life and let her control it...

Last edited by myapie; 05-04-2018 at 08:57 AM.
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