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Unread 02-08-2019, 12:03 AM
brion brion is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 4
Re: Neptune's a b*tch

I have 4 neptune squares and two oppositions. Sun/Moon/Uranus all conjunct - in Cancer. Neptune in Libra. My father told friends he was afraid if he died, my mother would have problems with one of the children. When asked who, he said "B" (that's me). I'll admit to being VERY strong-willed even at 5, when I sucked my thumb, and my grandfather told me to "take that thumb out of your mouth, boy, or I'm gonna cut it off." I looked at him and inside, I thought, "NO!!!" and I jammed my thumb further into my mouth and looked at him like, "just try it." He laughed and moved away. I was VERY Sun conjunct Uranus, the motto of which should be "Don't let me catch you trying to control me, or you will rue the day you were born." Sun Conjunct Uranus HATE, HATES, HATES being controlled. HATES.

So, nobody can make me do what I don't want. Fortunately, I also have a Jupiter/Pluto trine in my natal. My higher self always says - before any emotional reaction - "Did what they say have merit? Then they were honest and fair." And a Jupiter Trine Pluto's GOD is FAIRNESS. Hate injustice, so I could never come back with a smart remark even if it was an enemy, if what they were saying was true. (Factor in being Black in the 50s and you'd imagine that could cause some inner turmoil. But it didn't.)

SO. The twist. All the Neptune natal aspects.
Although I am Black - and gay - my (Black, gay) friends used to accuse me of thinking "everybody's nice." I didn't believe that EVERYONE was nice. After all, I'm nearly 70 and was born during the most violent era of segregation in the US history (the Civil Rights/Freedom Fighters era). It's just that I DID think everyone was BASICALLY nice (Neptune illusions) - until Uranus and Neptune conjoined in the late 80s and early 90s, and Neptune, in particular they brought me to my knees. (I can deal with Uranus: change doesn't throw me. It's so natural, I'm impatient with other people to be more authentic than they are (and believe themselves to be). Neptune has me so delusional, I thought I'd destroyed my and my lover's company (Neptune opposing Mercury), which was absurd, as we had an account and bookkeeper who went over ALL the resale cards (the State Board of Equalization was auditing us. Probably nothing unusual, now that I think of it. They'd just never audited us before). And I got the idea that somehow I'd totally ******* things up and my lover was going to lose the company. So...

I went home and contemplated suicide. And then STARTED to take pills and alcohol. FORTUNATELY, I was also having Pluto sextile Saturn (also, I was in the middle of a Pluto/Venus square in Leo!). That Pluto sextile Saturn thing wouldn't let me 'off' myself. I took the pills, but not many, and drank whiskey, but not much...after 3 hours, I'd only taken 5 pills and three swigs of whiskey. I was passing out when I called 911. A little voice in my head said, "you know they can trace you" and I thought back to myself "this is the only way I can do it. If I live, it's because God wants me to. And if I die, the same." I lived. Had ALREADY had an appointment with a therapist, because I felt myself unraveling weeks prior to this (and my best friend was nearly dead of AIDS and lived with me and I couldn't get his family to understand how close to death he was). All perfect circumstance for Neptunian delusion. But IT WAS SO REAL. You could NOT have convinced me that the business wasn't going to close and that all our paperwork was in PERFECT order. I just woke up one day and convinced myself that I'd destroyed my lover and our livelihood. So, after the cops showing up, me being rushed to the hospital, stomach pumped (really, 5 pills is not much, but at the time, I was so delusional....It took me a year to realize that I was also sexually assaulted by a friend shortly after the suicide "cry-for-help" thing. I was BROKEN. Of course the audit went fine, but my lover was distraught (he'd gone away on business) to hear that I'd tried to harm myself.
Kept my appointment with the therapist, who extracted a no-suicide agreement (that was the easiest "sure!" that ever came out of my mouth).
First she thought I was obsessive (Pluto/Venus square) until, around the 3rd month of therapy, she finally realized the guy I was dating (had ended relationship with lover and had been dating this guy) had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Highly Neptunian disorder, if you know psychology at all. They become whatever the person they are standing in front of wants them to be.) (like our president). Talk about NEPTUNIAN!!!!!
It took the therapist 8 months - after she realized that Brian was a narcissist - to convince me that I wasn't some broken-down soul and who would want to be friends with me, anyway. (Never mind that, prior to the Uranus/Neptune period, my friends would have said I was the Rock of Gibraltar: solid and unlovable.
SO. my natal Neptune aspects were all attacked, I was delusional for years. But the end result was that I came out clearer. But darker. The veil of illusion ripped away, and i saw mankind differently. Not that everyone was bad, but that some people were CERTAINLY bad, and I'd barely date a guy until I did his astrological chart. It took a long time for the betrayals that followed from 1993-1996 to subside. I was even BITTER for a while. ME! Mr. Sun square Jupiter (makes you overdo things, but you're a "sunny optimist.'') I tell you, Neptune is fine if you're awake and see things clearly (I had NO illusions around race/ethnicity, just...people in general. I remember always saying to my friends back in 1983 (we were all around 32 and this was WAAAAY before the Neptune transits), "You just have to give people time and they'll open up." (VERY Neptunian). And they just said, "Oh Miss Thing (their favorite phrase because I had muscles, so this was their way of (playfully) putting me down), you need to wake up."
Eventually, I did. 10 years later. That was when Neptune was squaring itself, my moon and Mercury. And was NOT happy with what I then perceived. But it's odd that, until all those Neptune transits (1987-1998), I thought most everyone was nice. But afterwards, when the enchantment was broken...well, you wouldn't have wanted to cross me (not physically; I'm not violent at all. but verbally and the look in my eyes! Would've scared a Hell Hound.) I was so mad at what Neptune revealed, it took years to readjust. And even now, my boundaries are WAY tighter than prior to those transits.
So, that was my journey.

Last edited by brion; 02-08-2019 at 12:31 AM.
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