Healing and direction.

Hello, and thank you for reading this post.

I suppose I’ll get started here: I lost my mother several months ago, and ever since I’ve felt like something inside of me has stopped. I had to take a position of strength for my older sister and loved ones, and as a result I’ve been frozen in an untouched pool of grief. I have begun therapy to try to help me through this and other various areas of trouble in my life (depression, anxiety, csa) but some part of me feels as though it is struggling.

I can’t identify why this is. Why is it so hard to let myself feel these things? I think that’s one of my biggest questions. I loved my mother more than anything, and I feel like I’ve failed her somehow in not letting those feelings run through me. I know bottling it up is unhealthy as well. I am just… really uncertain as to where I can start.

Another question I had veers somewhat off course, but relates all the same. My life has been on hold since I was a teenager due to my two closest family members enduring very severe, permanent health issues. My mom was one, and my sister is disabled. As a result, paired with mental illness, I’ve somewhat lost track of where my potential may be. My personality feels like a foggy mirror, and my talents—should they exist—are almost completely untapped. Many people tell me I write well and speak well, but I want to have an idea of what my options are. It’s difficult building a life around the written word, however much I adore it.

If anyone can help me figure out one or, graciously, both of these questions—even just suggestions—I’d really be infinitely grateful. I’ve spent my life trying to heal one wound or another, and it feels sometimes like an endless loop. Outside perspective would be truly welcome. In understanding how others see us, we begin to more clearly see ourselves… That kind of thing, right?

Thank you again for reading this. I'm sorry it's so long.

Hi,
First of all, deepest condolences and sympathy on the loss of your mother, which is something with which so many can empathise.

You mention therapy. Would this be 'grief counselling' to deal with 'the 5 stages of loss'. Much can be found on internet that offers advice on both.

some part of me feels as though it is struggling.

I can’t identify why this is. Why is it so hard to let myself feel these things? I think that’s one of my biggest questions. I loved my mother more than anything, and I feel like I’ve failed her somehow in not letting those feelings run through me.

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Personally speaking, I attach 'therapy' to a facet of Chiron. It is therefore co-incidental that its transit is now separating from natal Moon.

I study the position of Black Moon Lilith lilth, a non-physical point that can create images within that can take on a reality of themselves. It is at the end of Pisces in the chart and aspects Moon in an out-of-sign conjunction. Transiting Chiron previousy conjoined natal BML.

What has been observed of BML in Pisces is that there is a deep inner feeling sense that could be described as 'abandonment', 'neglect', 'loss', 'forsaken'; (a pain within the myth of Chiron that was also experienced). With Moon-BML the issues around/with the biological mother are more than could be considered average. It can create a sense of not belonging [anywhere], feeling unable to bond with another, or feeling to be non-existent as an individual. In Pisces BML can be experienced as a feeling of 'shame' (especially in a religious community: = sin?) over something for which one is not personally at fault or responsible.

Whilst transiting BML has been working its way through Aquarius in the 1st house, there could have been an inner feeling sense of a desire to find release from chains that bind (detachment), to gain personal freedom and independence of spirit. THEN, as a sense of freedom appears to be attained through Saturn's manifestation of its own transiting effects, BML's transit reaches Saturn. POW; loss occurs, yet the feelings of guilt towards it set in, even to the extent of blaming one's self for what has occured.

Could the 'failure' you speak of find its source or association here? Either towards your mother or a feeling within yourself about yourself?

Dealing with your grief and loss (tr. Saturn conjunct Neptune in 12th) is the first step towards approaching a changed way of life, not yet experienced (tr. Saturn conjunct Uranus sextile Pluto). Its experience can pave the way towards that which lies within you and has yet to be explored.