WOW...YOU are GOOD....
I think you've gotten deeper to the core of what I'm dealing with than YEARS of sporadic counseling (and my own personal searching, reading, journaling, affirmations, etc etc etc!) has been able to...it's making me feel a little "unsteady", like the foundation I've been standing on all these years (which has never been very solid anyway) is crumbling...I'm not sure HOW to feel...!
You are absolutely RIGHT, my actual anorexia WAS triggered by a drastic sense of disempowerment - the sudden death of my 30yr old aunt by a drunk driver when I was 16! But other "control" issues had been brewing for years, and I was (and will probably always be) an anorexic mentally and emotionally, I'm sure.
And you are SO right -- it's always been about POWER for me, I guess I just didn't realize how much.
The more I think about myself - my fears, my sense of security, my motivations, etc - in view of what you saw in my chart, the more I can now see how much having power means to me....I think it might even be the most important thing to me! And I would almost call myself OBSESSED with being "in control" (of everything!) - It's the only way I feel satisfied and safe....YIKES!!!
My childhood was VERY stressful -- my parents separated, and later divorced, when I was 1 1/2 yrs old, and as soon as I could talk, they used ME as the go-between for their hateful bickering. My earliest memories of them are of being terrified that they would actually speak to eachother.
My mother was completely unavailable emotionally to me - in fact, she always expected ME to "mother" HER. She was NEVER happy, she never smiled or laughed. All I wanted to do was to get away from her. It was HER younger sister who was my aunt that was killed when I was 16.
I thought I read that can be the description of an 8th House Moon's mother, maybe?
As for my father, he is a malignant narcissist, and I spent my entire childhood desperate to keep him loving me - I have NO memories of feeling unconditional love from him, only feeling RELIEVED when I had succeeded in making him happy with me. The few times that I tried to assert myself against him were horrible...he would immediately pull ALL his "love" away from me - being cold, REJECTING, ridiculing - until he had restored the balance of power (hmmm...) in our relationship back in his favor and decided I was worthy of existing again. It felt like living DEATH to me, and I wanted to run away, ESCAPE, but I couldn't, I was too young.
Because of that, I learned to be the PERFECT daughter for him, willing to do whatever I had to so he would love me.
And that lesson had definitely been deeply ingrained in me by the time I was 9, when you said Pluto had finished it's transiting of my planets.
I mean, the parallels are obvious, of course; what always surprises me is how accurately astrology can pinpoint the how, what, and why -- just like you were able to by looking at my chart!
(I'm still in AWE of you, by the way!!)
THANK YOU so much for reading my chart and sharing it with me! I have been thinking about this ALL DAY - this knowledge, this awareness, is actually a little scary!!
I mean, HOW do I become comfortable letting go of grasping for power? How do I relax my expectations that I MUST be PERFECT, or I will "die" (basically that's how it feels)?
It's ALOT to process...