Greetings,
I have a lot of shame, guilt and regret and anger in my conscious being. I am ashamed of person I have become.
I used a lot of alcohol to the point of blackout to escape my dizzy ovwrthinking mind. I was very wild as a child so I was diagnosed ADHD (which is made up condition it is just diagnose for bad behaviour). Did okay in school manage to finished college. I drink once in a while not so much as before cause I am aware that is problem.
I do say a lot of things that I regret immediately but I don't apologise. Stupid.
I tend to be loner sometimes I don't like large group of people.
And I have a lot of anger issue. I am irritable person. And I accept that this is me. I am often nervous for no reason. And people see me that.
I lost two jobs (call center shitty ones) cause I was bad at it. I knew that I won't stand there long. And hate managers there.
I mean these people are morons. If one day I was performing good at work they would act like a friend be nice but I knew it was false.
When I wasn't performing well (x struggling with daily target cause you know it was summer holidays and no one was picking phone so I can sell some erp programs) they gave lecture about life in general, motivational ******** and they demand explanation for my performance. Morons. I literally hold my breath not to tell them to go to hell. They are only interested in results. And they gossip about me a lot. Female auditory. Well I am handsome man so I think that is issue.
I was tired of ********, going home more nervous than ever. I literally hated people around world cause of this call center job.
Well this was some events to show that I am not person who is not capable of working in teams. I am individualist.
Well what happened before this shitty job adventure is that my mom died year ago and my gf from college left me for another man.
I was quite normal before age 24.
Now I have to deal with emotional stress (cause I am convinced that I am bad person), anger issues that I am facing out of blue, can't find job in my field (finance master degree), I hate myself. I only like the way I look. Shallow person I am.
And the best part is I don't know how to change. I am convince this is my identity.
Whenever I tried to do smth about my attitude about world and me I end up more isolated, angry and guilt is overwhelming me.
I know I am capable of great thing as I do have some self confidence of a past experiences (education, I know I am smart beside that) but when I wanted to start over all kinds of scenarios is popping to my head.
I know Moon and saturn are great influence on these mental anguish.
I don't wanna go to shrink and take some therapy cause it works in small percentage. My mom suffered from clinical depression. I to suffer from anxiety but not depressed.
Don't know what to do anymore how to stop punishing myself?
I know I am just a human but how to accept myself without felling like a horrible person?
I have a lot of shame, guilt and regret and anger in my conscious being. I am ashamed of person I have become.
I used a lot of alcohol to the point of blackout to escape my dizzy ovwrthinking mind. I was very wild as a child so I was diagnosed ADHD (which is made up condition it is just diagnose for bad behaviour). Did okay in school manage to finished college. I drink once in a while not so much as before cause I am aware that is problem.
I do say a lot of things that I regret immediately but I don't apologise. Stupid.
I tend to be loner sometimes I don't like large group of people.
And I have a lot of anger issue. I am irritable person. And I accept that this is me. I am often nervous for no reason. And people see me that.
I lost two jobs (call center shitty ones) cause I was bad at it. I knew that I won't stand there long. And hate managers there.
I mean these people are morons. If one day I was performing good at work they would act like a friend be nice but I knew it was false.
When I wasn't performing well (x struggling with daily target cause you know it was summer holidays and no one was picking phone so I can sell some erp programs) they gave lecture about life in general, motivational ******** and they demand explanation for my performance. Morons. I literally hold my breath not to tell them to go to hell. They are only interested in results. And they gossip about me a lot. Female auditory. Well I am handsome man so I think that is issue.
I was tired of ********, going home more nervous than ever. I literally hated people around world cause of this call center job.
Well this was some events to show that I am not person who is not capable of working in teams. I am individualist.
Well what happened before this shitty job adventure is that my mom died year ago and my gf from college left me for another man.
I was quite normal before age 24.
Now I have to deal with emotional stress (cause I am convinced that I am bad person), anger issues that I am facing out of blue, can't find job in my field (finance master degree), I hate myself. I only like the way I look. Shallow person I am.
And the best part is I don't know how to change. I am convince this is my identity.
Whenever I tried to do smth about my attitude about world and me I end up more isolated, angry and guilt is overwhelming me.
I know I am capable of great thing as I do have some self confidence of a past experiences (education, I know I am smart beside that) but when I wanted to start over all kinds of scenarios is popping to my head.
I know Moon and saturn are great influence on these mental anguish.
I don't wanna go to shrink and take some therapy cause it works in small percentage. My mom suffered from clinical depression. I to suffer from anxiety but not depressed.
Don't know what to do anymore how to stop punishing myself?
I know I am just a human but how to accept myself without felling like a horrible person?