Hello again ImnotThere9,
as I feel nothing happens and is coincidently - not even choosing a user name - the first question I always have on my tongue reading your name is - if you are not there - where are you then in the moment ? And since when are you not "there" ?
Transiting pluto actually semisextiles your mercury being natally in semisextile with your neptune and t-pluto also conjuncts your neptune for a transformation concerning your work. Neptune rules your work house - but 6th house is also health house.
And your neptune was alread transited in 2017 by saturn's semisexitile to catch your attention that a change is necessary in these subjects. Your moon as your career-path ruler as well.
In 2018 neptune himself entered your 6th house /work and health and transiting saturn squared your venus in your 6th house as ruler of your moneyflow as a restriction to get your attention. Same did transiting uranus for a long time in 2018 on your venus pluto trine. Interrupting the natal flow you were used to and familiar with.
Did you ever thought about whether you are still right with the work you do?
When did you got to know her ? Have you been under antidepressants that time as well ?
Looking into your synastry with all her planets she puts in your 3rd house - she kinda looks like the kissing muse for you to enable you to write. And who is gone now......but for a certain reason.
You both have matching and attracting pluto aspects - venus/pluto and mars/pluto - strong intense connecting energies - not easy to cut off if once touched- even if there might happen a break off. But all pluto energised people are always instinctively guided and directed and not always able to self-control her motivations and actions. You have a strong pluto in 3rd house in own sign and connnected with your scorpio moonnode - fate like attracting people you meet - and also fate like directed in money earning matters.
Can you imagine, that besides Berlin she didn't like to live in - she also had some other reasons to leave you ? (I know Berlin myself - and for a person with sun in 4th house as I have myself it is the most horrible city in Germany I know - I got immediately ill there within two weeks and left soonest as well).
I don't think that you have depressions - to me it looks like subpressed energy - what is different in its effects. You don't use as you should use it.
Then this subpressed energy grows innerly and get self-destructive in self-destructive thoughts. And poisoning the surroundings and the rooms where you live in. Then needing to stun yourself with alcohol - getting a different radiance and aura-outsending- a sensitive person like shes is -cannnot stand for long. (Her moon squares your neptune - she gets non-verbally what is going on with you in your emotions).
And she is a very sensitive born person with her exact moon neptune square and neptune in her 8th house -very sensitive antennas and warnings for people's issues because she might have had own issues with family members abusing alcohol or having addictions - she suffered from in her own childhood.
Are you both still in contact ?
Hi. To answer the first question, I joined the forum ten years ago, the username is a Bob Dylan song I liked at the time and still like.
There were many interruptions financially, yes. And of course there were other reasons, many reasons she might have left, I'm not disputing that. She didn't feel supported enough, and part of that was financial. She left just after I'd found a job here, though, so didn't give this a chance. We lived in a few different places together and if she'd said we need to go, I'd have gone anywhere with her. It didn't matter where as long as I was with her and writing.
And yes, I have experienced depression.
She certainly knows what's going on with me nonverbally, and I her. We were connected unusually well. As for her family life, her father died about three years ago, and her mother is a very powerful influence on her psyche, coming and going all the time, one that she struggles with. Her mother never liked me, suggested once I was from too working class a background to be a good fit, which is why I suppose I have this complex about financial wellbeing or lack of it as a factor in all this. Makes me feel I'm not good enough. She, let's call her X, believed in me though.
As for work, the job I have is terrible and exacerbates my sense of being lost, but I haven't much choice at the moment. I'm slowly starting to explore alternatives which might be both profitable and enable me to engage with what matters to me most, which is writing. I may teach workshops again.
I've known her for about four years. She'd been intensely in love with me for about two years before we came together but we were both with other people. I suppose I felt instant attraction too but was more reluctant to admit it, as I was committed to someone else, who I was actually unhappy with but still. When we really came close was when a teacher and friend of mine died in August 2018. I loved him very much, a father figure (have never seen eye to eye with my own father, whom I never felt liked me much and we don't really talk). At the funeral I delivered a eulogy and afterwards broke down, and she was the only person who came up and comforted me. Another friend of mine died a week later, heart attack in his 30s. I quit my job in health insurance to pursue writing full-time and lived off teaching poetry and editing a literary journal. As the connection between us became unignorable, I ended my relationship of many years at the time to be with her. As far as I was concerned, she was the woman I'd been waiting for my entire life, and I talked about my joy often. Please don't imagine this is a case of, 'She's left because he didn't try enough at the time and now he's scrambling', which you may be implying. We talked constantly, I left her notes if I went out early, we cooked together every evening, I was expressive, and if she had a problem we resolved it. Etc etc. I've cried often in front of this woman, totally vulnerable; something I can't even say about my own mother. But this move was hard on us.