Looking for Guidance

I would appreciate some guidance with my Birth Chart....I have been trying to figure it out, but I'm kind of STUMPED now! I have spent my entire life struggling with fears and shame related to how I LOOK - I was Anorexic as a teenager, and still struggle greatly with Body Dismorphic Disorder, and a solid belief that I am unworthy of being loved because I don't look "good enough"....and it's causing me so much PAIN...

I would love to know if these thought patterns are shown in my chart, and what I can DO to overcome them, and finally have some peace with MY TRUE SELF...!!

For body image issues, the first place to look is the second house. That's where self worth, the body, and material possessions live.

You have Mars there (or possibly on the second house cusp if you use a quadrant house system, which would make it even more powerful in that house), and your Mars is a real powder keg. In its exaltation, squaring your sun (and your Mercury and Uranus, too), and squaring your Chiron, while forming a grand trine with your Venus and Saturn. Mars is also a singleton: the only planet in the northeast quadrant of your chart, which is the section that deals the most with the private self.

Sun is also sense of self, core personality, personal growth. The kind of sense of self indicated by the sun isn't necessarily based on the body, but it can be, especially if the second house is directly involved. A square with a second house planet qualifies. Libra sun seeks harmony, but that's because Libra is starting from a place of not being in harmony. Part of the life path is to be constantly working on balance and keeping what balance you do have. For that reason, Libra is often an artist or a healer of some kind. Eleventh house Libra may be a social activist, seeking better harmony for society.

Your earth grand trine also bears some responsibility here. Grand trines are a closed loop: every planet involved wants the same thing, but what the planets "want" may or may not result in what's best for you. Venus in Virgo is in a rather precarious position: while Venus wants what Libra wants (harmony), Virgo is a "roll up your sleeves and just do it" sign. A healthy Venus in Virgo would be applying that "just do it" to a process--maybe work, maybe a hobby, maybe a learning process or creative process, maybe a personal healing process--that creates beauty and balance. An unhealthy Venus in Virgo turns that "just do it" into impatience and self criticism: you're not perfect already, why can't you do anything right?

Since Venus is right at your MC, it also relates to whatever way you are highly visible. If you're well known in your community or your field of work, Venus tells us something about how. If you're getting a critical Virgo Venus message, though, you're probably very self critical about how you appear to others. Other people may think you're pleasant and perfectly put together and competent (they probably do--that's what Virgo Venus on the MC would indicate), but you're more likely to see yourself as an utter mess. And then you've got Saturn in the grand trine, too, receiving Venus (that is, in a Venus-ruled sign). If you're hard on yourself, Saturn's involvement makes you extra hard on yourself.

Taurus shares the second house's indication of body and personal values, and self valuing. If you've got Saturn in there talking mainly to that Venus and Mars, no wonder you're hard on yourself for your appearance. Saturn is also restriction and self discipline. Anorexia is restriction and self discipline taken to the extreme. With all those messages involved, you could easily become anorexic, and it's no wonder that you did.

UGH!!! :-(
I figured that Mars squaring my Sun was part of this for me - ever since I read the vague description of that energy, I recognized myself so much in it! If I am not using that energy in a positive way, then it turns against me...it's so hard to control.

Thanks so much for your interpretation!! You gave me tons of information in a completely different direction than I was looking! I never thought of the significance of Mars in the 2nd House, and only gave a passing nod to the Grand Trine, Saturn, or to my Virgo Venus!
And so much of what you wrote MAKES SENSE...sadly...

Do you think that my Venus squaring my Ascendant might have something to do with this as well, like maybe the square keeps me from seeing any value in myself...? Because when I love someone, I am constantly serving them, that's how I feel confident that I deserve to be loved by them in return. I have been know to collapse in tears when I forget to defrost the meat for my husband's favorite dinner that night (even though he is happy eating eggs every night), or when I make a mistake with something I'm supposed to do for him, and worry that I've "ruined everything" and give myself an anxiety attack (when he just wishes I would relax and be ok).

I also struggle with my emotions, my FEELINGS - I pretty much live by them....like, if I FEEL something, then that is the reality. So if I FEEL like I'm fat and ugly, NO amount of logic (even from myself) can dissuade me from believing that it's the absolute truth! I've only just begun to realize that my feelings might NOT be an accurate representation of How Things Are (thanks to Astrology), but I don't know what to do with that knowledge - how else can I understand what IS "real"...??
Sometimes I will get "a feeling" that my husband isn't attracted to me/doesn't love me the same/wishes I looked better/etc etc etc (!!!), and my mind is then CERTAIN that it's absolutely true, and only an enormous amount of reassurances from him (that have been cross-examined by me) will change those feelings, change my reality....it's awful!! And needlessly painful, for both of us! But I have NO control over it -- even knowing how I repeat that every 4-5 months WILL NOT stop me from believing my Feelings the next time!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!! >:-O

Anorexia is ALL about punishment and power. It's similar to cutting or burning, or other self-mutilation. It feels almost like a high to feel powerful enough to deny your body such a primal biological need (eating) - but it's also really about hurting yourself because you are a FAILURE, because you DESERVE to be hungry, to be in pain. The awful thing is that I haven't been able to chase away all those self-hating, self-rejecting thoughts and feelings (the constant voice in my head), I just don't physically punish myself anymore....but mentally, emotionally...? I am in a constant state of punishing myself (SHAME).

And I don't know how to STOP.

LisaDiane said:

UGH!!! :-(
I figured that Mars squaring my Sun was part of this for me - ever since I read the vague description of that energy, I recognized myself so much in it! If I am not using that energy in a positive way, then it turns against me...it's so hard to control.

Thanks so much for your interpretation!! You gave me tons of information in a completely different direction than I was looking! I never thought of the significance of Mars in the 2nd House, and only gave a passing nod to the Grand Trine, Saturn, or to my Virgo Venus!
And so much of what you wrote MAKES SENSE...sadly...

Do you think that my Venus squaring my Ascendant might have something to do with this as well, like maybe the square keeps me from seeing any value in myself...? Because when I love someone, I am constantly serving them, that's how I feel confident that I deserve to be loved by them in return. I have been know to collapse in tears when I forget to defrost the meat for my husband's favorite dinner that night (even though he is happy eating eggs every night), or when I make a mistake with something I'm supposed to do for him, and worry that I've "ruined everything" and give myself an anxiety attack (when he just wishes I would relax and be ok).

I also struggle with my emotions, my FEELINGS - I pretty much live by them....like, if I FEEL something, then that is the reality. So if I FEEL like I'm fat and ugly, NO amount of logic (even from myself) can dissuade me from believing that it's the absolute truth! I've only just begun to realize that my feelings might NOT be an accurate representation of How Things Are (thanks to Astrology), but I don't know what to do with that knowledge - how else can I understand what IS "real"...??
Sometimes I will get "a feeling" that my husband isn't attracted to me/doesn't love me the same/wishes I looked better/etc etc etc (!!!), and my mind is then CERTAIN that it's absolutely true, and only an enormous amount of reassurances from him (that have been cross-examined by me) will change those feelings, change my reality....it's awful!! And needlessly painful, for both of us! But I have NO control over it -- even knowing how I repeat that every 4-5 months WILL NOT stop me from believing my Feelings the next time!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!! >:-O

Anorexia is ALL about punishment and power. It's similar to cutting or burning, or other self-mutilation. It feels almost like a high to feel powerful enough to deny your body such a primal biological need (eating) - but it's also really about hurting yourself because you are a FAILURE, because you DESERVE to be hungry, to be in pain. The awful thing is that I haven't been able to chase away all those self-hating, self-rejecting thoughts and feelings (the constant voice in my head), I just don't physically punish myself anymore....but mentally, emotionally...? I am in a constant state of punishing myself (SHAME).

And I don't know how to STOP.

Click to expand...

Important factor is you are aware of your emotions effects on your life

so keep working on developing and keeping a clear mind
and a healthy body
Meditation is helpful in many cases, although it takes time
to find the form of meditation that is preferable and works for you personally

One day, when the Buddha was speaking the Dharma for the assembly
a young drunkard staggered into the room.
tripped over monks who were sitting on the floor
and started cursing loudly.
His breath reeked of alcohol
and filled the air with a sickening stench.
Mumbling to himself, he reeled out the door.
Everyone was astonished at his rude behavior, but Buddha remained calm and said:
"Great assembly! Take a look at this man!
He will certainly lose his wealth and good name.
His body will grow weak and sickly.
Day and night, he will quarrel with his family and friends
until they abandon him.
The worst thing is that he will lose his wisdom
and become stupid."


MARS is ruler of your 12th house
a house related to meditative activities

Osamenor said:

For body image issues, the first place to look is the second house. That's where self worth, the body, and material possessions live.

You have Mars there
(or possibly on the second house cusp if you use a quadrant house system
which would make it even more powerful in that house)
and your Mars is a real powder keg.

In its exaltation

squaring your sun (and your Mercury and Uranus, too), and squaring your Chiron, while forming a grand trine with your Venus and Saturn. Mars is also a singleton: the only planet in the northeast quadrant of your chart, which is the section that deals the most with the private self.

Click to expand...

so choose to use MARS energy in a beneficial way
for example
consider Walking Meditation

Osamenor said:

Sun is also sense of self, core personality, personal growth. The kind of sense of self indicated by the sun isn't necessarily based on the body, but it can be, especially if the second house is directly involved. A square with a second house planet qualifies. Libra sun seeks harmony, but that's because Libra is starting from a place of not being in harmony. Part of the life path is to be constantly working on balance and keeping what balance you do have. For that reason, Libra is often an artist or a healer of some kind. Eleventh house Libra may be a social activist, seeking better harmony for society.

Your earth grand trine also bears some responsibility here. Grand trines are a closed loop: every planet involved wants the same thing, but what the planets "want" may or may not result in what's best for you. Venus in Virgo is in a rather precarious position: while Venus wants what Libra wants (harmony), Virgo is a "roll up your sleeves and just do it" sign. A healthy Venus in Virgo would be applying that "just do it" to a process--maybe work, maybe a hobby, maybe a learning process or creative process, maybe a personal healing process--that creates beauty and balance. An unhealthy Venus in Virgo turns that "just do it" into impatience and self criticism: you're not perfect already, why can't you do anything right?

Since Venus is right at your MC, it also relates to whatever way you are highly visible. If you're well known in your community or your field of work, Venus tells us something about how. If you're getting a critical Virgo Venus message, though, you're probably very self critical about how you appear to others. Other people may think you're pleasant and perfectly put together and competent (they probably do--that's what Virgo Venus on the MC would indicate), but you're more likely to see yourself as an utter mess. And then you've got Saturn in the grand trine, too, receiving Venus (that is, in a Venus-ruled sign). If you're hard on yourself, Saturn's involvement makes you extra hard on yourself.

Taurus shares the second house's indication of body and personal values, and self valuing. If you've got Saturn in there talking mainly to that Venus and Mars, no wonder you're hard on yourself for your appearance. Saturn is also restriction and self discipline. Anorexia is restriction and self discipline taken to the extreme. With all those messages involved, you could easily become anorexic, and it's no wonder that you did.

Click to expand...

LisaDiane said:

Do you think that my Venus squaring my Ascendant might have something to do with this as well, like maybe the square keeps me from seeing any value in myself...? Because when I love someone, I am constantly serving them, that's how I feel confident that I deserve to be loved by them in return.

Click to expand...

That's how Virgo Venus does love: by doing things for the ones you love. Virgo is service. Virgo is doing.

The problem is that you don't see any value in yourself. Venus being square your ascendant doesn't prevent that. Venus being in Virgo doesn't prevent that. You could love yourself with those placements. If you did, you would be just as motivated to do things for yourself as for your husband. You wouldn't cook dinner for him to win his love, you would cook dinner for him because you like feeding him good food, and because you like having good food for yourself, too. If your husband were out of town, you would still cook the same good dinners for yourself because you would be willing to care for yourself. That's how Virgo Venus does self love.

LisaDiane said:

I also struggle with my emotions, my FEELINGS - I pretty much live by them....like, if I FEEL something, then that is the reality. So if I FEEL like I'm fat and ugly, NO amount of logic (even from myself) can dissuade me from believing that it's the absolute truth! I've only just begun to realize that my feelings might NOT be an accurate representation of How Things Are (thanks to Astrology), but I don't know what to do with that knowledge - how else can I understand what IS "real"...??

Click to expand...

Cancer moon is very feeling. So is moon talking to Neptune, particularly through a conjunction or trine, particularly when they're in water signs. Your chart meets all of those criteria: moon in Cancer trine Neptune in Scorpio, and those are the only placements you have in water signs. That puts a ton of emotional sensitivity into those two planets. Neptune is the planet of altered reality: your feelings become real. Just because it's an intangible reality and doesn't match what you see in the real world, doesn't make it not real for you.

Your moon also sextiles Pluto, which is all about power. Since everyone born between 1948 and the present has a sextile between Pluto and Neptune, that makes Pluto the apex of a minor grand trine with your moon and Neptune. Power is key....

LisaDiane said:

Anorexia is ALL about punishment and power. It's similar to cutting or burning, or other self-mutilation. It feels almost like a high to feel powerful enough to deny your body such a primal biological need (eating) - but it's also really about hurting yourself because you are a FAILURE, because you DESERVE to be hungry, to be in pain. The awful thing is that I haven't been able to chase away all those self-hating, self-rejecting thoughts and feelings (the constant voice in my head), I just don't physically punish myself anymore....but mentally, emotionally...? I am in a constant state of punishing myself (SHAME).

Click to expand...

When you became anorexic, how had you been disempowered?

It's obvious that you were disempowered. Pluto speaks to that. Pluto is where we're powerful, or where we give our power away, or where we have it taken from us. Not only is Pluto in a very powerful position in your chart--angular and sextile your moon and at the beginning of a stellium--Pluto transited most of your planets, including your sun, from when you were almost two until you were 8 or 9. Pluto rolling over personal planets early in life puts a Pluto stamp on your childhood. That tends to mean very difficult and disempowering things happening, and children blame themselves, even though it's outside their control.

That you were disempowered is also evident in how you describe anorexia. You couldn't control what was happening to you, so you took control in the only way you could: your own body.

WOW...YOU are GOOD....

I think you've gotten deeper to the core of what I'm dealing with than YEARS of sporadic counseling (and my own personal searching, reading, journaling, affirmations, etc etc etc!) has been able to...it's making me feel a little "unsteady", like the foundation I've been standing on all these years (which has never been very solid anyway) is crumbling...I'm not sure HOW to feel...!

You are absolutely RIGHT, my actual anorexia WAS triggered by a drastic sense of disempowerment - the sudden death of my 30yr old aunt by a drunk driver when I was 16! But other "control" issues had been brewing for years, and I was (and will probably always be) an anorexic mentally and emotionally, I'm sure.
And you are SO right -- it's always been about POWER for me, I guess I just didn't realize how much.

The more I think about myself - my fears, my sense of security, my motivations, etc - in view of what you saw in my chart, the more I can now see how much having power means to me....I think it might even be the most important thing to me! And I would almost call myself OBSESSED with being "in control" (of everything!) - It's the only way I feel satisfied and safe....YIKES!!!

My childhood was VERY stressful -- my parents separated, and later divorced, when I was 1 1/2 yrs old, and as soon as I could talk, they used ME as the go-between for their hateful bickering. My earliest memories of them are of being terrified that they would actually speak to eachother.

My mother was completely unavailable emotionally to me - in fact, she always expected ME to "mother" HER. She was NEVER happy, she never smiled or laughed. All I wanted to do was to get away from her. It was HER younger sister who was my aunt that was killed when I was 16.
I thought I read that can be the description of an 8th House Moon's mother, maybe?

As for my father, he is a malignant narcissist, and I spent my entire childhood desperate to keep him loving me - I have NO memories of feeling unconditional love from him, only feeling RELIEVED when I had succeeded in making him happy with me. The few times that I tried to assert myself against him were horrible...he would immediately pull ALL his "love" away from me - being cold, REJECTING, ridiculing - until he had restored the balance of power (hmmm...) in our relationship back in his favor and decided I was worthy of existing again. It felt like living DEATH to me, and I wanted to run away, ESCAPE, but I couldn't, I was too young.
Because of that, I learned to be the PERFECT daughter for him, willing to do whatever I had to so he would love me.

And that lesson had definitely been deeply ingrained in me by the time I was 9, when you said Pluto had finished it's transiting of my planets.

I mean, the parallels are obvious, of course; what always surprises me is how accurately astrology can pinpoint the how, what, and why -- just like you were able to by looking at my chart!
(I'm still in AWE of you, by the way!!)

THANK YOU so much for reading my chart and sharing it with me! I have been thinking about this ALL DAY - this knowledge, this awareness, is actually a little scary!!
I mean, HOW do I become comfortable letting go of grasping for power? How do I relax my expectations that I MUST be PERFECT, or I will "die" (basically that's how it feels)?

It's ALOT to process...

LisaDiane said:

I mean, HOW do I become comfortable letting go of grasping for power? How do I relax my expectations that I MUST be PERFECT, or I will "die" (basically that's how it feels)?

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Reclaim your power.

Pluto is yours. Yours to claim or give away. If you give away your power, you're left grasping for power, and it gets absolutely horrific, as you've seen.

If you claim your power, you can have it all. Self love balanced with love of others, and you won't have to grasp for it or do things for people to win their love. You'll have their love and know it. Being Virgo Venus, you'll probably still want to do things for people you love, but just out of love, not out of trying to earn it.

That's easier said than done, of course. You can't just undo a lifetime's worth of disempowerment at the snap of your fingers.

Probably, you'll have to go outside the box for your transformation. Sun conjunct Uranus: thinking out of the box is what you do naturally. You already did one very Uranian thing: you turned to astrology to solve this problem. There could be additional Uranian solutions.

Conventional therapy won't do it, obviously. Sounds like you've been there and not gotten the aha. And there's only so much talk therapy can do. There's only so many times you can talk about it and feel you're getting somewhere.

But maybe an alternative form of therapy would do better. Hypnotherapy, in the hands of a good hypnotherapist, is a great way to undo conditioning and harmful beliefs and re-create a sense of self. Having been a hypnotherapy client who did just that, I'm speaking from experience. Maybe art therapy or sound healing (also very Libran) would do something, too, but I can't speak from personal experience on that.

I'm an apprentice herbalist, and in our student clinic, we sometimes see people who are working mainly with emotional issues. That can include things like nasty parental divorces and narcissistic parents and eating disorders and unprocessed grief or trauma. In fact, if someone comes in for a physical health issue, we also ask about their family background and emotional health, and usually some of those kinds of things emerge. All of that can be treated with herbs. If you have access to any herbalists, that's one route to take.

You don't have to be emotionally anorexic for the rest of your life. There's also a healthy version of everything in your chart, which would be a healthy version of you.