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Unread 07-16-2021, 09:42 AM
Anri9 Anri9 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 12
Question Doubt with a capital D!

Hi everyone! This is my first post here

I'll be short. My doubt is about some recurring and obsessive thoughts about my sexuality. I'm a female in my mid 20s and I'm a student. I'm in what I consider an amazing relationship with a beautiful man that I love a lot, and who supports me in everything.

In March 2018, after a very stressful period at uni and in my family i started having obsessive doubts about my sexuality, they came suddenly and they made me feel crazy. I started seeing a psychologist (as it wasn't my only obsession, but it surely was...more real than the others, because the others were wayyy worse and impossible) and she told me that it was a less known form of OCD.

I must say that I've never been against gay marriage and I support my gay friends and gay rights in general, but it was too sudden and too "strange" for me, since my teenage years were all about crushes for guys, and I don't think they were never forced. At the time I was quite inexperienced, I broke up with my then boyfriend because he made me feel very insecure about myself (I wanted to have sex with him... and he didn't) and fast forward October 2019 I met my now boyfriend and I must say that I love him deeply and in each possible way. I totally forgot about those thoughts and I liked sex (sorry if I'm graphic) with him more and more as time went by.

The problem resurfaced in February. I was stressed for my exams and one day I just thought that I have never had an orgasm. Nor with him, nor by myself, even if I get closer and closer with time.

I know that some of my female friends never had one too, but I started to question my sexuality again, over and over, and no answer seems enough. My psy says that my problem is not my sexuality, but my self esteem in general... And I believe her! I have a terrible self esteem and I always confronted myself with other women and always seemed to find something in them that was better than my own appearence, even if I KNOW rationally that I'm average looking and not ugly... But I never fell in love with a woman, nor felt the need to really have sex with any of them. I've had very closed friendships since I was a child and never even thought about kissing them. My thoughts feel more obsessive and 'scary' in nature than just a natural process of questioning.

I turned to astrology (that was already a big passion of mine) and... well, my chart actually seems like supporting me being a repressed lesbian or bisexual (I even have SAPPHO on my vertex... wtf??). Maybe it's just my negative thinking that makes me see what I fear, or so I've been said.

My mom also had the moon/pluto opposition with sappho exactly conj her pluto.

But the difference is that i don't feel the desire to act on those thoughts... because I'm anxious more than aroused by them, and whenever I feel really aroused by myself I just desire my boyfriend or a man in general. Plus, I always dreamed of my future family since I was a child.

I don't know what to do... this obsessive thoughts just come and go in waves. I have months of total serenity in which i really laugh about what stupid things did I believe, followed by stressful periods of (let's say) two months of anxiety, wining and questioning. I feel alone. And when I'm rational I know it makes no sense.

I know it seems stupid or disrespectful (and I mean NO disrespect towards anyone, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart) but... what do you think about my situation?7

I know it's strange, but I think that I could use some help by someone more experienced than me.
Thank you for your kindness
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