Tryalchemy
Well-known member
I can read other peoples charts and relational charts great, but I can't seem to understand my own or figure out why I am suffering so **** much. My saturn return has ended, but my progressed chart is horrible and I do not wish the placements upon anyone. I feel if I was born at a better time, instead of at the bottom of hell, perhaps I would suffer less. It is just never ending.
I feel too much, think too much, i'm intuitive but then go back and consider that maybe i'm just an idiot and I have been following my intuition with blind faith straight into the slaughterhouse. I love too much. Give too much. I am a fool. My moon neptune aspects probably make me delusional. Isn't it supposed to make me intuitive? If i'm so intuitive then why are the things I am working toward, what I feel guided to do, so difficult to obtain?
In the past 2 1/2 years, I have met the only person I have really ever felt passion for and wanted to marry. Due to my anger and emotional outbursts, he left (moon conjunct mars, yay). I still want to be with him and have been waiting and waiting but something always screws it up. I've mastered the emotional control, i've done all the self help possible, I have done so much meditation. I take antidepressants, they no longer work. I'm so tired of people telling me to switch anti depressants, like that will suddenly make me forget all the things that have caused such sorrow. What a joke.
I'm so angry, I am so bitter, I have done so much and gotten nothing. Maybe I should have been like all the rest, and worried only about myself and making money. Perhaps then I would have been happy.
I feel like I am not from this world. I do not belong here. I do not understand the people here. Selfish. No compassion. Nobody cares. Nobody does anything except what they want to do when they want to do it.
My best friend who knew my entire soul suddenly stopped talking to me because he felt he can't be friends with me since his girlfriend gets jealous (aren't we all adults here?). He no longer even responds to my texts. We were best friends for 7 years and I was the one who helped him move his bed down 3 flights of stairs after crazy breakups and picked him up when he was too drunk to drive, that kind of stuff. He would come over immediately or call if I had an emotional breakdown. He doesn't even text me back anymore. Everyone has just left my life. Moved away. Started a family. I feel isolated. I may as well be a ghost. I think often of killing myself. Therapy doesn't help. Hell, i'm a counselor myself and I don't even know what to do for myself.
I quit my job to better the relationship between my ex and I, as we worked together and I am not a person who can act strictly professional when I have such deep feelings. I don't have that on and off switch. Not when I love someone. I have now been out of work for 2 years, and it's done nothing for my relationship except make him even more distant. I am filled with regret, I have nothing left, I have fallen into a deep depression and cannot climb out.
I am a musician and used to write and produce the most beautiful music but now nothing will even come out.
I keep looking at charts after charts after charts trying to figure out when this will end. When will happiness come. But the more I look the less I find and I am losing hope.
I feel like I am already dead. This is probably my progressed sun, and all my planets in scorpio. It's funny, I could give a rats a** about money, status, material items. All I want is closeness and it's the one thing life continues to drastically deny me. Everytime I get close to anyone, they leave. I wish I could buy closeness. Everything I want and need cannot be bought with any amount of money. Everyone else has these things, and does not care, they worry more about obtaining more money. They don't know how precious the free things are.
I'm not asking for advice on what to do. I just want to know what in my chart indicates why I literally feel like I am in a black hole, burning in hell.
And will it end? Will the suffering stop once my sun progresses to sagittarius? Can I hold out for that long even?
I'm not the kind of person to do this, to ask for help on the internet. But I have reached the breaking point and don't know what else to do.
Thanks in advance, sorry for the long drama and for cursing the world with my bad soul :[
I feel too much, think too much, i'm intuitive but then go back and consider that maybe i'm just an idiot and I have been following my intuition with blind faith straight into the slaughterhouse. I love too much. Give too much. I am a fool. My moon neptune aspects probably make me delusional. Isn't it supposed to make me intuitive? If i'm so intuitive then why are the things I am working toward, what I feel guided to do, so difficult to obtain?
In the past 2 1/2 years, I have met the only person I have really ever felt passion for and wanted to marry. Due to my anger and emotional outbursts, he left (moon conjunct mars, yay). I still want to be with him and have been waiting and waiting but something always screws it up. I've mastered the emotional control, i've done all the self help possible, I have done so much meditation. I take antidepressants, they no longer work. I'm so tired of people telling me to switch anti depressants, like that will suddenly make me forget all the things that have caused such sorrow. What a joke.
I'm so angry, I am so bitter, I have done so much and gotten nothing. Maybe I should have been like all the rest, and worried only about myself and making money. Perhaps then I would have been happy.
I feel like I am not from this world. I do not belong here. I do not understand the people here. Selfish. No compassion. Nobody cares. Nobody does anything except what they want to do when they want to do it.
My best friend who knew my entire soul suddenly stopped talking to me because he felt he can't be friends with me since his girlfriend gets jealous (aren't we all adults here?). He no longer even responds to my texts. We were best friends for 7 years and I was the one who helped him move his bed down 3 flights of stairs after crazy breakups and picked him up when he was too drunk to drive, that kind of stuff. He would come over immediately or call if I had an emotional breakdown. He doesn't even text me back anymore. Everyone has just left my life. Moved away. Started a family. I feel isolated. I may as well be a ghost. I think often of killing myself. Therapy doesn't help. Hell, i'm a counselor myself and I don't even know what to do for myself.
I quit my job to better the relationship between my ex and I, as we worked together and I am not a person who can act strictly professional when I have such deep feelings. I don't have that on and off switch. Not when I love someone. I have now been out of work for 2 years, and it's done nothing for my relationship except make him even more distant. I am filled with regret, I have nothing left, I have fallen into a deep depression and cannot climb out.
I am a musician and used to write and produce the most beautiful music but now nothing will even come out.
I keep looking at charts after charts after charts trying to figure out when this will end. When will happiness come. But the more I look the less I find and I am losing hope.
I feel like I am already dead. This is probably my progressed sun, and all my planets in scorpio. It's funny, I could give a rats a** about money, status, material items. All I want is closeness and it's the one thing life continues to drastically deny me. Everytime I get close to anyone, they leave. I wish I could buy closeness. Everything I want and need cannot be bought with any amount of money. Everyone else has these things, and does not care, they worry more about obtaining more money. They don't know how precious the free things are.
I'm not asking for advice on what to do. I just want to know what in my chart indicates why I literally feel like I am in a black hole, burning in hell.
And will it end? Will the suffering stop once my sun progresses to sagittarius? Can I hold out for that long even?
I'm not the kind of person to do this, to ask for help on the internet. But I have reached the breaking point and don't know what else to do.
Thanks in advance, sorry for the long drama and for cursing the world with my bad soul :[