Doubt with a capital D!

Anri9

Member
Hi everyone! This is my first post here :biggrin:


I'll be short. My doubt is about some recurring and obsessive thoughts about my sexuality. I'm a female in my mid 20s and I'm a student. I'm in what I consider an amazing relationship with a beautiful man that I love a lot, and who supports me in everything.

In March 2018, after a very stressful period at uni and in my family i started having obsessive doubts about my sexuality, they came suddenly and they made me feel crazy. I started seeing a psychologist (as it wasn't my only obsession, but it surely was...more real than the others, because the others were wayyy worse and impossible) and she told me that it was a less known form of OCD.

I must say that I've never been against gay marriage and I support my gay friends and gay rights in general, but it was too sudden and too "strange" for me, since my teenage years were all about crushes for guys, and I don't think they were never forced. At the time I was quite inexperienced, I broke up with my then boyfriend because he made me feel very insecure about myself (I wanted to have sex with him... and he didn't) and fast forward October 2019 I met my now boyfriend and I must say that I love him deeply and in each possible way. I totally forgot about those thoughts and I liked sex (sorry if I'm graphic) with him more and more as time went by.

The problem resurfaced in February. I was stressed for my exams and one day I just thought that I have never had an orgasm. Nor with him, nor by myself, even if I get closer and closer with time.

I know that some of my female friends never had one too, but I started to question my sexuality again, over and over, and no answer seems enough. My psy says that my problem is not my sexuality, but my self esteem in general... And I believe her! I have a terrible self esteem and I always confronted myself with other women and always seemed to find something in them that was better than my own appearence, even if I KNOW rationally that I'm average looking and not ugly... But I never fell in love with a woman, nor felt the need to really have sex with any of them. I've had very closed friendships since I was a child and never even thought about kissing them. My thoughts feel more obsessive and 'scary' in nature than just a natural process of questioning.

I turned to astrology (that was already a big passion of mine) and... well, my chart actually seems like supporting me being a repressed lesbian or bisexual (I even have SAPPHO on my vertex... wtf??). Maybe it's just my negative thinking that makes me see what I fear, or so I've been said.

My mom also had the moon/pluto opposition with sappho exactly conj her pluto.

But the difference is that i don't feel the desire to act on those thoughts... because I'm anxious more than aroused by them, and whenever I feel really aroused by myself I just desire my boyfriend or a man in general. Plus, I always dreamed of my future family since I was a child.

I don't know what to do... this obsessive thoughts just come and go in waves. I have months of total serenity in which i really laugh about what stupid things did I believe, followed by stressful periods of (let's say) two months of anxiety, wining and questioning. I feel alone. And when I'm rational I know it makes no sense.

I know it seems stupid or disrespectful (and I mean NO disrespect towards anyone, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart) but... what do you think about my situation?7


I know it's strange, but I think that I could use some help by someone more experienced than me.
Thank you for your kindness :love:



http://www.astro.com/cgi/chart.cgi?...rs=0&add=18&add=19&add=20&ast=1,2,3,4,80,433,
 

leomoon

Well-known member
OR, if you feel overwhelmed and want to PM me your dob, time and place, I can post it for you as "anonymous"..It's up to you.
 

Anri9

Member
Hi guys, thank you for kind replies! Hope this works!!

sorry for adding the asteroids, i took off the aspects so they don't make the chart too crowded.

What worries me are both the t square. The one with moon/venus/pluto for the planets involved and the one with sun/jupiter/saturn/nodes for its extremely delicate position.
I've read in a book by an european astrologer (it's actually just a little old style haha) that an 11th house moon opposing a 5th house pluto could indicate an homosexual person. Which is kind of silly... How many people have the same aspects? My mom, as I said has her pluto/moon opposition conjunct MC/IC, so it's quite prominent.

I'll wait for your considerations... and thank you so much!



astro_2gw_anri.28747.139578.jpg
 
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Zora

Account Closed
sorry for adding the asteroids, i took off the aspects so they don't make the chart too crowded.


Yes - I'm very sorry about - too. No astrologer needs to see this flinky-flunky star dust stuff - helping nothing - taking much space in planet placement list - causing that planet positions in the grid below get more tiny and more uncomfortable to read.
 

Harmelia

Well-known member
Dear Zora, sorry! Again, i didn't mean to disrespect you or the other astrologers!
Here is the ACTUAL chart!

View attachment 89213


Hi Ms. Doubt with a capital D!
Well, anyone can feel self-doubt, but yes, there are signs and "signatures" that can give that influence. Virgo is one. You do have Mercury in Virgo conjunct your IC in Virgo. The IC is the deepest, most private self - the 4th house cusp. So, I would definitely say this is the Capital D. I have Virgo rising, and I struggled with self-doubt for many years. You can work with it though. Virgo is a very mental sign, and you can work with your thoughts. We can't doubt ourselves without thinking thoughts that fuel that feeling.

Virgo has many positive qualities. It analyzes to deeply understand, is organized, detail-oriented, discerning, discriminating, motivated to perfect skills, loves being of service - helping others, is generally a hard-worker. Virgo loves to research and investigate. The self-doubt can have a positive - because it fuels a person to always do better - to keep working at perfecting a skill - to understand more deeply, to keep improving. It becomes a problem when the person never stops to admire the progress, enjoy the process of improving, or gets stuck in simply feeling the self-doubt and doesn't try to improve. There's a balance that needs to be attained between self-doubt and using it to improve.

I do understand how debilitating severe self-doubt can be. Even if you are on target working toward learning a skill, the self-doubt can feel pretty bad. I'm 70 so I've grown out of it. But boy, I truly did not enjoy my self-doubt. I even wrote a song about it once. So, you have my heartfelt sympathy. Some of the things you can do is - meditate! Part of the problem is that the mind is active and goes to thoughts that reinforce it. So, learning to have more control over the mind - helps. It takes some time to quiet the mind through meditation, but it's worth doing it and keeping at it. Another thing you can do is to challenge your doubting thoughts and separate yourself out from them. I mean - when they come - noticed them - give them a name as if they are a separate person - and have a conversation with that person. You are not your self-doubts. Every time you do this, you put a little bit of space between you and those doubt s. And it adds up over time - so that those thoughts come less and less.

In the meantime, you can also have a mantra - I feel doubt, but I'm doing it anyway. You can kind of ignore it - put it on a back burner. It doesn't make it go away all together necessarily - but it can feel less powerful when you don't focus on it. Also, if you are critical of other people - watch those thoughts too - because if you have those thoughts of others, you have them for yourself.

Since you have a Libra Sun and Cancer rising - you're very sensitive to other people's energy. It's very important to put yourself in the company of good-feeling people - people who are supportive, loving and at least - pleasant. If they are confident, then this is the best because you can absorb their confident energy. You can truly benefit from the right other people.

You have Mars and Venus in Leo - 2nd/3rd houses - and this is good for confidence building. Leo can lack confidence too, but the sign is about playing, being creative, having pleasurable experiences, having fun, playing with different roles - and you could tune into that energy. It is also quite relational - so - you could easily get a lot from the right relationships. With Aries SN - you might tend to be quite independent. Your NN says - you need to cultivate your relational skills - and - it may be a challenge, but an important path forward to the getting over the Capital D. Your chart is one that suggests there will be much self-development in your lifetime. You care about the world and want to make an impact. So, try to go easy on yourself - give yourself some space - and develop some self-talk that is supportive of your talents and ability to grow.
 
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Anri9

Member
Harmelia...
what can I say if not a big THANK YOU? :kissing:
I really appreciate your insight, you have been very kind to take your time to analyze my situation. It surely is 'challenging' and sometimes i feel guilty to complain because otherwise I have a nice and peaceful life. No 'actual' problems! I'm healthy, I have my studies (I study medicine at uni), my love, my friends and my family, and even if things aren't perfect I consider myself lucky.

If only I could find the ultimate peace of mind, but I don't know if it's actually possible, as anyone has its own personal fight.

It's just that I don't understand why THIS. And I feel kinda strange even talking about it with my friends (only a few of them know). My boyfriend knows it and doesn't judge me, and in my mind I KNOW rationally that I can't be just a lesbian if 1) I love him so much 2) I never fell for another girl nor I want too.

I'll be bisexual (if anything), and even in that case I could keep on staying with him. I have a big fear of losing him (I'm not that jealous or something, I completely trust him) and maybe it plays out like this.
Nowadays it feels all so confusing, it's just like I HAVE to keep on questioning and answer to the same questions for whichever reason. I feel better only... when I stop thinking about it :wink:
Maybe you're right! meditating could be a great choice!

Also, you're sooo spot on with the 'don't be critical to other people' advice. I used to be EXTREMELY critical, but nowadays i feel more accepting and understand better others' needs. For example I've always been quite 'harsh' on my mom. She isn't a very warm person, not very motherly, and when I was younger I struggled a lot to identify with her, and I preferred my dad or my grandma as parent figures. But as years went by I started to understand her better and her own wound with her mother (she has a Chiron/moon exact conj) and now we have a good relationship. I hope to be a mother in my future, I love children sooo much... but at the same time I'm scared to be a cold mom towards them, even if I don't want to.

Also, people in general tend to confide a lot in me, telling me personal things even if i don't want to know them sometimes, since I was a child, and often it can be overwhelming because I tend to internalize their emotions. I love to listen to others, but sometimes I feel like i just need to be with my close persons, the ones with whom I can feel content EVEN in silence.



Can I ask your opinion on the houses of the nodes? Does a 4th house NN mean that my goal in life is to focus more on my family/home life than on my public persona/my career? And what about this sooo badly aspected Jupiter on the descendant that squares them?


Thank you so much again... and wish you well, wherever you are! <3
 
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Harmelia

Well-known member
Harmelia...
what can I say if not a big THANK YOU? :kissing:
I really appreciate your insight, you have been very kind to take your time to analyze my situation. It surely is 'challenging' and sometimes i feel guilty to complain because otherwise I have a nice and peaceful life. No 'actual' problems! I'm healthy, I have my studies (I study medicine at uni), my love, my friends and my family, and even if things aren't perfect I consider myself lucky.

If only I could find the ultimate peace of mind, but I don't know if it's actually possible, as anyone has its own personal fight.

It's just that I don't understand why THIS. And I feel kinda strange even talking about it with my friends (only a few of them know). My boyfriend knows it and doesn't judge me, and in my mind I KNOW rationally that I can't be just a lesbian if 1) I love him so much 2) I never fell for another girl nor I want too.

I'll be bisexual (if anything), and even in that case I could keep on staying with him. I have a big fear of losing him (I'm not that jealous or something, I completely trust him) and maybe it plays out like this.
Nowadays it feels all so confusing, it's just like I HAVE to keep on questioning and answer to the same questions for whichever reason. I feel better only... when I stop thinking about it :wink:
Maybe you're right! meditating could be a great choice!

Also, you're sooo spot on with the 'don't be critical to other people' advice. I used to be EXTREMELY critical, but nowadays i feel more accepting and understand better others' needs.

Also, people in general tend to confide a lot in me, since I was a child, and sometimes it can be overwhelming because I tend to internalize their emotions. I love to listen to others, but sometimes I feel like i just need to be with my close persons, the ones with whom I can feel content EVEN in silence.

Can I ask your opinion on the houses of the nodes? Does a 4th house NN mean that my goal in life is to focus more on my family/home life than on my public persona/my career? And what about this sooo badly aspected Jupiter on the descendant that squares them?

Thank you so much again... and wish you well, wherever you are! <3


Yeah, there usually is a past life lesson involved to what we feel challenging. To me, the South Node in Aries - conjunct Saturn in the 10th - looks like you took a lot of responsibility for other people in your past life - and guilt is often associated with it - because 10th house is leadership. When we make decisions that affect people in the 10th house - then you always make enemies - because we can't please everyone. Ask any politician. So you were in a position of authority in the past life. When you are in position of authority - the buck stops with you. You make the final decisions in solitude - if there is someone to blame - it will be you. 10th house and Saturn are people serving others. They don't have the luxury of pandering to their own feelings.

The North Node in Libra, 4th house is about you nurturing yourself - having nurturing people around you - attending to your own feelings and needs. It's the balance to you sacrificing your own needs in the past life. So, if having a family is what you feel you need, then yes, you can do that. But it is the main point. The main point truly is doing what nurtures you, fulfills you, makes you feel loved and allows you to love.

You doubt yourself because something went wrong in your leadership role in the past life. Even if you did nothing wrong, other people judged you - and - you felt guilty. So, now there's this self-doubt - or guilt - or hesitancy to make quick decisions - you want to get it right. In time, you can get on the other side of this - so you aren't plagued with the doubt - time heals.
 

leomoon

Well-known member
I'll just tell you what I see and think, but remember too, it's only given in an effort to help others, not harm them. Since I am a Capricorn Sun with Mercury, & Mars all in this sign, I'm more of the "glass is half empty", and my husband "the glass is half full" opposite of me. Yet together one forms a whole which is also very nice, to be able to see things from another point of view close up.



In your natal chart, I'm focused on a) Jupiter in the 6th but within orb of being counted in the 7th of contracts, marriage and committed relationships.

Jupiter is expansive but in Capricorn may feel frustrated by the fact that Saturn is the ruler of Jupiter, to "pull you back" from overextending yourself with too many people in search of yourself.



Venus rules your 5th house of uncommitted relationships, and presents stumbling blocks for you to grow & evolve in life once you get over those hurdles.

Venus is as you know, square the Sun and Pluto, so it's about wanting control and the focus is the love life.



Seeing that your 4th hs. is a focal point, the foundation of life is found here, and I wonder since the Sun is also here, if your father took a front seat or back seat to your mother at home?

from the ages of 3-5 your 4th house was being triggered of felt psychologically speaking. Do you have any memories of that age? Were your parents very strict? Sun square Jupiter and opposing Saturn with Moon cj. Algol opposed to Pluto suggests there was a lot of control going on. Controlling others. Perhaps right in the home you grew up in .
 

Anri9

Member
@Harmelia,
I think you're right! And it's something I felt a lot in my life: it's like i was born 'conditioned' to guide others, and to BE their voice (at school or in other groups I always stood in front of teachers or adults while my classmates were somehow hiding behind me and my strong opinions and poker face :innocent:), but growing up I started to feel the need to be guided myself, and to relax. I'm always looking forward to the possibility of finding a confort place or situation, in which i can just lay down and BREATHE!
Maybe the last question... As I said I'm studying medicine, and I'd like to focus on children's neuropsychiatrics more in my study. Is there something in my chart that supports this idea? I feel this is my calling, and I already started my trainee period before my graduation.
Again, thank you!!!

@leomoon,
thank you for your kind reply! I like capricorns, so maybe we're on a same page!!
But I'm not sure I understood well what you said on Jupiter's position... Should I be polyamorous or something? hahah only joking, but I don't undertand if you mean that I should loose up more. But I don't want to be with other people!
Help me understand better if you can, please! And sorry, since English is not my first language.
About my family home... My mom has been very strict. I actually was a very calm child, a little woman, but she ALWAYS criticized me for beeing too 'lively'. She keeps on criticizing me, the way I dress (I'm kinda modest,so...nothing extraordinary) or the way I study (I'm actually a good student, but she always wants more. she's an high school teacher and she internalized the 'teacher's mentality' I think). Sometimes I suspect she actually wanted a doll instead of a daughter. Only now I understand that she acts like this because she is insecure, maybe... because of her own mother! It's like a dog chasing his tail...
My dad and I had a very good relationship through my Elementary school till I went away for Uni. I think he looked at me like I was his mini female lookalike. I always wanted to be more like him and his mother (my granny) personality-wise.
My parents never had a good relationship for various reasons, I don't know why they are still together. There was a time in my childhood in which I actually never wanted to be home (I can't remember why!) and I always wanted to stay at my grandparents'.
Since I was very little they always talkend behind each other's backs with me, so in middle school I just started fantasizing about what would it be like to finally grow up and have my future seemingly perfect family with the man of my dreams.
Well, and here we are. My boyfriend is actually 8 years older than me (saturn), a Sagittarius with a Philosophy Degree (Jupiter) haha, such a coincidence.
What do you think of the situation? Hugs
 
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leomoon

Well-known member
Q: Should I be polyamorous or something? hahah only joking, but I don't undertand if you mean that I should loose up more. But I don't want to be with other people!


A: No, but to realize that within, we are all "inclined" to be a certain way, and Jupiter is known for extending themselves sometimes overboard, but as I also said, I think Saturn keeps you in check and restricts your Jupiter.


Q: Sometimes I suspect she actually wanted a doll instead of a daughter.


A: I had to chuckle at that one. :wink: Sounds like the typical mom. We all want the best for our children, and want them to have more then we had. At least that is how I saw motherhood. Motherhood usually doesn't come with an instruction manual, although my eldest daughter read everything on how to be a good mom when she was pregnant (Moon in Virgo and Sun in Cancer) We all can't be what we aren't, and I can't be a "smothering mother" as I saw her but would never say that of course. I think I needed a manual, because I failed at mothering giving them the space that my mother gave me to grow and evolve making their own decisions.


Mother is seen by her Moon being cj. Algol, which is dire in some ways for her, so it's not easy having a personality which grates on other's nerves. (I should know as I too have one like that) :annoyed: No one is perfect, I remind myself.

Q: My boyfriend is actually 8 years older than me (saturn), a Sagittarius with a Philosophy Degree (Jupiter) haha, such a coincidence.


A: It also takes a great deal of perseverance and study to attain what he did (Saturn discipline)....Sounds like a nice influence for you to be around.

You have a "mystic rectangle" and a few Kites in your natal chart to help you in life.


Try to study up on these: (you can find many links on the internet for these formations)

https://astrology.tv/dictionary/mystic-rectangle/



The Mystic Rectangle, or Rectangle, is comprised of two opposition aspects, connected with two trine and two sextile aspects. The harmonious trine and sextile aspects can be considered release points for the tension of the oppositions. The native can be attracted to important causes.


You can read about the KITE formation here - then check which planets interact to form a KITE:
Is there a Fate Aspect to the Astrology Kite Formation?

https://seattleastrology.org/the-unique-and-special-nature-of-the-astrology-kite-pattern/


The Kite Pattern is much more than a recognizable shape. It also has a traditional association with fate and/or destiny.
This correlation with fate and destiny results from the combination of geometric relationships formed between three distinct astrological patterns. Together these key patterns and the basic root meanings of the different planets involved activate key astrological concepts.
Because of its unusual power, this an energy that is often experienced as fate.
 

Anri9

Member
@leomoon
Thank you, thank you for your time!! I actually never noticed I had kites in my chart!
And... Maybe you're right... Motherhood isn't easy! Why do you think you failed as a mother? As for your daughter... With a virgo moon and cancer sun a book is just the minimum! She must be a nice person, I love cancer/virgo people!!

And yes... He is a good influence. Sag with scorpio rising, taurus moon like me, scorpio mercury, libra venus and aries mars.

I know everything will untangle... I just want to lead a normal life. It's like i have this rose colored picture of marriage life coming out of a 50s movie. But I always knew I were too assertive to be a housewife, i need to work!
But i also need love, i need children, i need... What do i need?
I feel like you don't think it's an obsession, as more of a restriction. But can it be so unconscious that I don't recognize it, nor want it?
Hugs!
 

leomoon

Well-known member
We (as humans) are ALL somewhat unconscious to our very beings, and that is why we come here, as souls to try and merge the two (spiritual and physical) and become more aware. Astrology should help in that regard.


As to why I don't give myself high marks? Well, thats because I believe we were all connected in past lives.

The eldest daughter you mentioned with Virgo Moon also has my Sun Sign Rising and I have her Sun-sign rising...We are opposite each other.
I always said, we were "each other, but inside out".


The family didn't hold together after the death of their younger sister and my youngest child. Things happen sometimes....that you wish wouldn't but they do. Life is like that, a song I like says it all, "Life can turn on a dime"


Your 5th house of children appears to be a fruitful house ruled by Venus in Libra.



The way the houses are seen (as to fruitful and barren) in Vedic Astrology says that Venus in Leo can be less productive for children, but we aren't looking at your Sidereal chart rather your western one.



The sign Leo is barren, the lord of the Ascendant Sun is in Virgo, barren again. The Ascendant degree and its mid-point fall in Poorvaphalguni ruled by Venus who is in Leo, a barren sign. Venus is also in the same Nakshatra whose lord again is Venus himself placed in Leo, a barren sign.
Barren Signs and Denial of Marriage - Part 1 - Vedic ...
0EtLhGT91DF2NgubtXnu4VXk1N1vzFP99f037PUFbu4yIAAAAASUVORK5CYII=



blog.indianastrologysoftware.com/barren-signs-and-denial-marriage-part-1/



Barren sign - Astrodienst Astrowiki
0EtLhGT91DF2NgubtXnu4VXk1N1vzFP99f037PUFbu4yIAAAAASUVORK5CYII=



  1. https://www.astro.com/astrowiki/en/Barren_sign
    Taurus: generally a Fruitful Sign, as the sign of Venus and the exaltation of the Moon; Gemini: barren, but would also be good for destroying weeds; Cancer is the most fruitful Sign, as a water sign ruled by the Moon, and the exaltation of Jupiter; Leo: barren, as the sign of the Sun, it is considered too dry; Virgo is a barren sign. As Lilly put it: "for Mayds of themselves produce no Births."
 

Anri9

Member
We (as humans) are ALL somewhat unconscious to our very beings, and that is why we come here, as souls to try and merge the two (spiritual and physical) and become more aware. Astrology should help in that regard.


As to why I don't give myself high marks? Well, thats because I believe we were all connected in past lives.

The eldest daughter you mentioned with Virgo Moon also has my Sun Sign Rising and I have her Sun-sign rising...We are opposite each other.
I always said, we were "each other, but inside out".


The family didn't hold together after the death of their younger sister and my youngest child. Things happen sometimes....that you wish wouldn't but they do. Life is like that, a song I like says it all, "Life can turn on a dime"


Your 5th house of children appears to be a fruitful house ruled by Venus in Libra.



The way the houses are seen (as to fruitful and barren) in Vedic Astrology says that Venus in Leo can be less productive for children, but we aren't looking at your Sidereal chart rather your western one.



The sign Leo is barren, the lord of the Ascendant Sun is in Virgo, barren again. The Ascendant degree and its mid-point fall in Poorvaphalguni ruled by Venus who is in Leo, a barren sign. Venus is also in the same Nakshatra whose lord again is Venus himself placed in Leo, a barren sign.
Barren Signs and Denial of Marriage - Part 1 - Vedic ...
0EtLhGT91DF2NgubtXnu4VXk1N1vzFP99f037PUFbu4yIAAAAASUVORK5CYII=



blog.indianastrologysoftware.com/barren-signs-and-denial-marriage-part-1/



Barren sign - Astrodienst Astrowiki
0EtLhGT91DF2NgubtXnu4VXk1N1vzFP99f037PUFbu4yIAAAAASUVORK5CYII=



  1. https://www.astro.com/astrowiki/en/Barren_sign
    Taurus: generally a Fruitful Sign, as the sign of Venus and the exaltation of the Moon; Gemini: barren, but would also be good for destroying weeds; Cancer is the most fruitful Sign, as a water sign ruled by the Moon, and the exaltation of Jupiter; Leo: barren, as the sign of the Sun, it is considered too dry; Virgo is a barren sign. As Lilly put it: "for Mayds of themselves produce no Births."

@leomoon
Sorry for my late reply!
First of all... I'm so sorry for your loss, really. I wish life wouldn't give us this kind of sorrows, it must be terrible...

By the way I actually don't know vedic astrology very well, but I think only time will see. Maybe I'll have my vedic chart read, just for curiosity! Who knows what could result of it!
 

leomoon

Well-known member
Just for clarification, the Barren signs theory is both in Tropical Western Astrology as well as Vedic Astrology as far as I know. :surprised: Many such similar theories are as a matter of fact in the two different paths of Astrology, so somewhere in Astrology's long history, the two divergent paths must have intersected.
 
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