control in relationships

[HarmonE]

Im wondering about what in the charts of couples decides who has the power or control. I had an astrologer tell me as I was meeting a prospective partner that it wouldn't work well as she had all the power and I had none. I laughed it off because of my overly optimistic nature (thats my saggi) and figured if she tried to control me I would just leave. Well, that wasn't the case at all and it was proven to be right which humbled me greatly. I have since looked at the synastry chart and am trying to figure out how the astrologer saw this.

A few ideas I had has to do with the fact when our planets meet (conjunction), my partners planet is more outer than mine. For instance, her pluto on my uranus, her jupiter on my moon, her neptune on my sun and jupiter. The other thought was that my saturn makes no real aspects with her planets whereas her saturn is heavily aspected with my planets.
To clarify, I am on the inside and my partner is on the outside.

What are peoples thoughts on this?

 

[dowhanawi]

Hers Saturn in 12 square your sun, conjunct her Neptune on cusp of your 12 (planters on cusps tend to act like the house cusp they conjunct), square your mars in Pisces. Sag suns tend to be good at seeing deception but her Neptune effected your ability to do so.

 

[HarmonE]

Yes, I see her saturn squaring my sun, and that makes sense that it would essentially 'control' me. But, to say that I have none of the power, and she has all the power is rather strong. But in the end, it turned out to be true. The only way that I could find to get my personal power back was to eliminate her from my life. I couldn't no matter what I tried, get any power with her in my life.

So, how is it decided in a square, which planet has the upper hand? There are a number of squares in our synastry chart. Her saturn to my sun, and to my jupiter. Her neptune to my mars. Her mars to my pluto. Her uranus to my moon. In all but one of these cases, her planet is more outer than mine, and I understand that the outer planet will push onto the inner planet and not the other way around. Is this true?

Are there other places that one looks to find power balance in relationships?

Very insightful dowhanawi, delusion was very much a part of this relationship. Most of the time I felt so confused and struggled to get clarity.

 

[dowhanawi]

Well all planets have positives and negatives. Mars could be a great sexual relationship or a violent one. You have to look to see what it supports as a big picture. Some is intuition, some is guidance from chart reader, but the planets involved in your case are common places to look for issues, week Venus or moon placement is another. 4th and 10th houses can tell you how to expect planets to play out. 12 was a giveaway too. You can look for secrets/deception/unknown/mental health there. Not saying 12 is all bad, but its a place to look

And find healing, its heart breaking to give yourself and be so emotionally abused in return. Love yourself.

 

[Inside Out Orange]

I think the problem may be in her chart and an issue she'd face with anyone. It would be useful to look at that on its own.

She has Pluto in the first which makes her approach the world in a controlling way and then throw in Aries on the 7th and that can be someone who has no understanding of listening to others.

I'm intrigued by her pluto (control) sat on your uranus (freedom/indepedence) that could be a huge factor. I had that in a synastry with the ex to the very minute - except I was the pluto factor. She accused ME of being controlling but actually she was the control freak and was projecting it. On the other hand I have a platonic friendship with someone who has their pluto on my uranus and we get along very well.

Additionally her Saturn falls in your 8th (power in relationships) which suggests intimacy could be difficult. And as others have said it squares your Sag Sun.

Her 8th is taurus which is a stubborn sign that likes life to stay stable. With your sag planets maybe she always felt you were destabilising things.

Plus she has all those Leo planets which again can be controlling (the King or Queen likes to reign). Possibly those planets landing in your 7th and on your moon made her seem like the perfect relationship and worth hanging in there with

 

[Inside Out Orange]

I'm also intrigued to know why you didn't leave as you said you would? That might clue us into where the 'glue' was and therefore what part of the chart to look for.

 

[Kitchy]

Im wondering about what in the charts of couples decides who has the power or control. I had an astrologer tell me as I was meeting a prospective partner that it wouldn't work well as she had all the power and I had none. I laughed it off because of my overly optimistic nature (thats my saggi) and figured if she tried to control me I would just leave. Well, that wasn't the case at all and it was proven to be right which humbled me greatly. I have since looked at the synastry chart and am trying to figure out how the astrologer saw this.

A few ideas I had has to do with the fact when our planets meet (conjunction), my partners planet is more outer than mine. For instance, her pluto on my uranus, her jupiter on my moon, her neptune on my sun and jupiter. The other thought was that my saturn makes no real aspects with her planets whereas her saturn is heavily aspected with my planets.
To clarify, I am on the inside and my partner is on the outside.

What are peoples thoughts on this?

Hello -

This post struck me because I like to look at this matter over time. Saturn with Venus, in 8th or or 2nd or Moon - is an indication of controlling 'material matter' - Pluto with Venus or 8th or 2nd or Moon is indication of controlling 'emotional matter.'

Neither planets want to relinquish control of their situation or comfort zone. Uranus & Neptune are the wild cards in the chart - weird opposites, who will throw the baby out with the bathwater and blame it on something other but still rue the day the baby got thrown out with the bathwater.

That's control at it's finest - the outer planets duking it out with each other and the inner planets are pawns.

Ultimately - the need to control in relationships is a moon based issue - with it's back up of having or not having Saturn and Pluto to win the war.

Ultimately, Neptune, if strong, will relinquish control but remain in control in subversive rosy ways and Uranus will throw the baby out with the bathwater and won't bother with control issues on an level, not by doing or allowing.

The strength of the sun at junctures like this are crucial. In the end - the sun and moon and it's relation to life and love and the pursuit of happiness is always enountered by Saturn Uranus Neptune or Pluto by hook or by crook. Go to the nth aspect of Sun and see where it is in relation to aspects to those planets or aspects via other planets - then you will find out your answer.

 

[HarmonE]

I'm also intrigued to know why you didn't leave as you said you would? That might clue us into where the 'glue' was and therefore what part of the chart to look for.

I did leave but it took many years to get there. And still when she came wanting me to come back I had a lot of trouble saying no. Its taken nearly six months of being away for me to realize all of this and get my power back. I wonder if it was karmic. I can't explain it any other way.
I suppose she had a way of making me feel special at times..and i believed i loved her deeply. Now that i am away, I question if that was true. Maybe it was just the sex..that was, at least for the first few years, pretty amazing. Thats glue isnt it?

 

[dowhanawi]

I did leave but it took many years to get there. And still when she came wanting me to come back I had a lot of trouble saying no. Its taken nearly six months of being away for me to realize all of this and get my power back. I wonder if it was karmic. I can't explain it any other way.
I suppose she had a way of making me feel special at times..and i believed i loved her deeply. Now that i am away, I question if that was true. Maybe it was just the sex..that was, at least for the first few years, pretty amazing. Thats glue isnt it?

Control, and for sure the type of control Neptune would utilize sneaks up on you, its hard to notice. And often we love the wrong people, not karmic, just we haven't taken the journeys we need to be emotionally healthy in all areas. We may think we have then boom, in a relationship with someone who will take advantage of the weakness we hadn't strengthened yet or seen yet. Don't beat yourself up over it, it usually happens to the sweetest people, just look for your strengths and weaknesses and work on it, heal, love yourself, come to know you deserve better. I have a knack for seeing thuys in others yet not my own relationships. Last time I spent my time wondering what it was about him that I didn't see it. This time round (very recent but slow in coming, not control but other negative issue) I am instead looking at what in me choose this partner. I'm healing that. Advice I've so often given but finally taking. And I'm the traditional Aunty in my community. If it relates to sex (pregnancy, birth, babies, relationships) that's my job. Classic huh? So I state this to strengthen my don't beat yourself up statement! Love you, heal you, cry and let go. (Hugs). K gonna look at just your part of the chart.

 

[HarmonE]

The strength of the sun at junctures like this are crucial. In the end - the sun and moon and it's relation to life and love and the pursuit of happiness is always enountered by Saturn Uranus Neptune or Pluto by hook or by crook. Go to the nth aspect of Sun and see where it is in relation to aspects to those planets or aspects via other planets - then you will find out your answer.[/QUOTE]

You had me up until the last paragraph. I followed it all and it makes sense to me. Thank you for your detailed help and insight. I had a closer look at this particular synastry to see how it plays out and it definitely does.
But what do you mean by following the suns aspect to the nth degree? Im not sure I know what that means...keep following apects until they end? Im not sure that they do. A little confused on that.

 

[HarmonE]

Control, and for sure the type of control Neptune would utilize sneaks up on you, its hard to notice. And often we love the wrong people, not karmic, just we haven't taken the journeys we need to be emotionally healthy in all areas. We may think we have then boom, in a relationship with someone who will take advantage of the weakness we hadn't strengthened yet or seen yet. Don't beat yourself up over it, it usually happens to the sweetest people, just look for your strengths and weaknesses and work on it, heal, love yourself, come to know you deserve better. I have a knack for seeing thuys in others yet not my own relationships. Last time I spent my time wondering what it was about him that I didn't see it. This time round (very recent but slow in coming, not control but other negative issue) I am instead looking at what in me choose this partner. I'm healing that. Advice I've so often given but finally taking. And I'm the traditional Aunty in my community. If it relates to sex (pregnancy, birth, babies, relationships) that's my job. Classic huh? So I state this to strengthen my don't beat yourself up statement! Love you, heal you, cry and let go. (Hugs). K gonna look at just your part of the chart.

You are absolutely right. I have looked at it as a lesson of what it is Ive not developed or healed as you say. I think this person came along to shine a very bright light on something I had either ignored or not been ready to look at.
Incidently, pluto was crossing my ascendant when I met her. And the years before and definitely since have been all about reality check on so many levels. Letting things go that arent serving the souls highest purpose. But wow what an intense lesson! Learning to love oneself and believe I am enough. Thats been powerful.
North node in my natals first house. I think this is where Im going. Thoughts from an amateur astrologer 😊

 

[dowhanawi]

A bit on what might help you prepare for a better realationship next time

Saturn opossed Neptune - this is the planet of cold hard reality vs the planet of fantasy, the material world vs the spiritual etc. One issue this can cause, as you saw in your last relationship is believing false promises, not seeing deception and subversive tactics for what they are.

Sun & Jupiter are in 11 but on cusp if 12. This can make you believe you have bad luck (Jupiter) and believe you can't really be yourself. They key word here is *believe* cuz you don't actually have bad luck and being yourself will be most successful, including in relationships. I think maybe your parents maybe came off harsh and aloof causing this. Or perhaps your dad wasn't around adding to this? This ties to the Saturn/Neptune issue above. Start believing in your sun and Jupiter, accept what you came to believe about these things as a child is not true and you will then be able to see that sometimes we encounter reality (Saturn) and sometimes fantasy (Neptune. The world is made up of the physical and the metaphysical.

Venus sq Uranus. This is an aspect that is just generally different in love, sometimes struggles with growing relationships, unsure what they want sometimes till they figure it out and tends to fall in love indiscriminately. For you I think maybe you haven't decided what you want based on seeing your sun and Jupiter incorrectly and/or the Saturn-neptune issue. Make a list of what you want and deserve. And don't jump in quick! Take time to see who someone really is (and believe the next astrologer who warns you eh). Then when you believe in yourself let the freaky side out

Last two things, Venus conjunct ac, you probably are attractive let that shine inside out. And mars sq Sun-Jupiter,lighten up and let that sun-juptier sag have fun! Hunt it down like the constellation shows. It might be at 12 cusp but is still in 11. Get out there, socialize, believe in yourself, find happiness, laugh (healthy not self-depreciating starting from within and pass it to others. This will bring big healing to it all. It will be a journey, maybe some councilling will help also.

 

[dowhanawi]

You are absolutely right. I have looked at it as a lesson of what it is Ive not developed or healed as you say. I think this person came along to shine a very bright light on something I had either ignored or not been ready to look at.
Incidently, pluto was crossing my ascendant when I met her. And the years before and definitely since have been all about reality check on so many levels. Letting things go that arent serving the souls highest purpose. But wow what an intense lesson! Learning to love oneself and believe I am enough. Thats been powerful.
North node in my natals first house. I think this is where Im going. Thoughts from an amateur astrologer 😊

You were writing this whole I was writing the other part. Then I went to bed so seeing it now. It is good that reality check is starting to happen. Yes Pluto would have added to her abilities to decieve you. And you are focusing in the right lessons.

 

[HarmonE]

Thanks so much for having a look at my chart and taking the time to relay your thoughts. I don't want to get too much off topic but I thought Id like to repond a bit to some of what you said.

Yes, I wondered about that Saturn Neptune opposition and figured it meant that I have trouble seeing whats real and whats fantasy. I think its something that I have always struggled with so this experience has allowed me to sharpen up my ******** detector!!

As for my Sun Jupiter in Sag....its always made me feel like I could just skip along and everything would work out. And mostly it has...or else Ill pretend it has which is nearly as good. The reality check recently has been that I can see if I get sucked into something that is working against me, no matter how positive I am, it still ***** the life out of me.

Which I think brings me to Mars square Sun. I work and work at something even if it is at odds with my lifes purpose.

Uranus square Venus is I think where my homosexuality shows up in my chart. The venus conjunct ascendant makes me attractive sure but Im no Angelina Jolie. But its been a real gift, as I think without it I would come off being too cold and aloof (capricorn asc.) People gravitate to me like no ones business. I virtually am always in relationship because as soon as Im single they come out of the woodwork. I never understood what it was until I saw it in my chart.
These last few months have been the longest Ive been single and Im realizing I love it! Pluto made life pretty uncomfortable for the last four years but its left me something much better.
God I love astrology!

All the best to you and thanks again for your words of encouragement.