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seethesun 06-08-2019 11:49 AM

scared of myself
 
1 Attachment(s)
Don't get me wrong, I like people and I am always trying to be nice to everyone. But I do not like to get to know them. It's like, they have their lifes, I have mine, we maybe spend time but that is it. I have no problem of connection with others it is just that I dont want to continue some silly friendships based on small talks. I have a few friends which understand my nature and that is fine. I like spending time by myself, I love to read thoughts of other people about things I'm interested and then I love to analyse everything in my head. I accept and understand that other people choices and thoughts are not my problem and I can't judge them so most people like me for that attitude.

the biggest problem is my career life. In order to be a successful I have to talk to them. And it would be fine if people could only stick to the business talks. But they usually dont and they are telling me their personal stuff so I instantly start panicking because I dont want to be friends or talk about my view of life.
and I really want to work. and to be career women.
it's stressing me to the point where I overthink every situation and rethink every word I said for the rest of the day.

when it comes to my social life, maybe it will sound like bragging but whenever I go out in "public" people notice me. strangers will come and talk to me. it doesnt matter if it is a women or a man, young or old they just come and talk with me. many times I got something which others didn't. I don't ask for that but it is happening.
I often hear compliments that I look exotic, that I have something weird and mysterious in myself, that I am a very good person. they think of me as smart, they ask advices, they tell me their secrets and I didn't ask for any of that.

I don't think about myself in that way. I often feel stupid and in some way autistic for unknown reason.

Maybe I just don't like the fact that people are so nice to me for no reason and then I feel like I need to justify that.

sorry for long text maybe someone can give their opinion, I would be thankful.

three M symbols 06-08-2019 08:07 PM

Re: scared of myself
 
Hi


I'm happy to read your chart, because I have a lot of the same placements in mine :10th house Virgo Moon / a 9 Scorpio Asc conjunct mars (1 orb)/ 11th house Venus (but mine is in Libra)/ Uranus + neptune in 3rd H in capricorn / Pluto in 1st house in Scorpio / Water and Earth as dominants elements + right side untaken (excepted one planet of my chart)...

So, I'll answer you. I just need time to write.

katydid 06-08-2019 08:55 PM

Re: scared of myself
 
SeetheSun,

Look at your chart, as if it is a painting or a drawing.

Then scroll through this forum and look at other charts. Compare your chart to the others. What do you see?

I have rarely seen a chart like this. It is like a big blue arrow, pointing right at your Sun, which is YOU.

People look at you because you have a big blue neon sign pointing to you, and making others interested in you. :alien:

Your Sun and Mars are on the Ascendant, which brings you that attention each moment. But being in Scorpio, it is often unwanted attention. Scorpios like being in the shadows and they crave privacy. :ninja:

three M symbols 06-08-2019 09:46 PM

Re: scared of myself
 
Your 1st house rules 5 houses of your chart..
(Sun rules 10th, Mars rules 1st & 6th, Mercury rules 8th and 11th)
This is why I think this chart is amazing but tough.
With great powers come great responsabilities.

People think you're smart because you have Mercury in 1st house. This give you an intellectual powerful presence. And it's even more powerful, because in Scorpio, Mercury is able to dig deep.
People know it, because this is how you appears like : it's in 1st house. This can be why they ask you advices, and tell you their secrets : Mercury, ruler of your 8th house (house of other people ressources, their and your secrets), is in your 1st house, and they know you are able to keep secrets because of your strong ASC Scorpio house.

A planet less than five degrees before a cusp is a part of the next house. So, Sun in 1st give charisma and a strong ego. An individualistic nature.. That can attract people to you also, because Sun rules your 10th house. 10th house of public image, reputation. What people see in you first.

Mars in 1st house conjunct ASC make people think you are determined and you know what you want, even if you're not. They see you are passionate, or that you have your own motivations. You just fights for your own interests, not the ones of other people. This make you be a leader. You don't like to follow. You are assertive. And scorpio ascendant nature is to protect himself, even more if Mars conjuncts it.

Venus in 11th house attract strangers, because 11th house is the house of groups, strangers, crowds, internet, big places or building, etc... And Venus is "where and how do you attract people".. But Venus in this house likes too much freedom to engage in a relationship with real duties or obligations. With this placement in 11th house, this is easier to make friends, associate, find supports or have people who see you as someone nice. But that's the paradox : Scorpio doesn't like small talk of the 11th. And Venus doesn't like to be in Virgo. She is in fall.

You're affraid that if people start talking you about their problems, then, they will ask you questions about yourself, your life, etc.. To be alone, in this case, can be an "automatic Scorpio ASC protection". But I rather suggest to just change the topic of discussion. If you wanna talk about work, talk about work. People will understand that you are more motivated about that, and they will respect you because of your placements.
Your only Mars problem could be Saturn square Mars. Because it's in 3rd house this can play as a communication/intellectual issue.

Virgo Moon in 10th house emotional need is material security.
Worst nightmares for a Virgo moon are health issues, to fail at job or not have one, money problem, missing some ressources and things like that.. 10th house moon is good to work with public or be a seller, etc.. Jupiter conjunct your moon, so, it can expand your Virgo Moon anxiety. But it's in 10th house and it's your 2nd house ruler, so I guess you'll be successful in your carreer. This is a very lucky placement.

"I overthink every situation and rethink every word I said for the rest of the day"
Virgo moon here, is caring for 10th house (reputation, status, public image and work)... with Mercury ruler in 1st house, you place all the responsability of this on yourself.
I suggest you to use Virgo things to feel better with it.. do plan in advance, strategies, feed Mercury with intellectual positive content and skills to not let place to too much anxiety or fears, etc.. Virgo problem is that perfection doesn't exist in this world. And there are always some risks, even more when you are your own boss. But your chart is perfect for it.

kshantaram 06-09-2019 05:34 AM

Re: scared of myself
 
hope enables take stock, share salient pointwise feedbacks,
how true-untrue-insightful, traits-talents-health-trends-prospects etc etc


sun-mer-mars own scorpio asc,
growth-riches through research-occult-forensic aptitudes;
magnetic personality, secretive, suspicious, sentimental, sarcastic, passionate;

jup-moon-venus debilated virgo 10th, self-centred,
artistic aptitudes, charismatic leadership;
critical thinking good for audit-quality-editorial roles;
lord mer first quadrant, debilation cancelled,
gradual improvements in career, popularity, leadership etc;

wear 0.25 carat diamond for venus over platinum pendant touching heart;

jup aspect own pisces, and venus elevated aspect pisces,
supportive of mother-domestic comforts-property matters;


sat own acq 3rd, good for initiative and progress, reformist;


rahu NNode cap 2nd, ambitious-hardworking, foreign sources of finances;

ketu separative SNode cancer 8th, hyper-sensitive/intuitive, visions, dreams;
pain-injury-surgery heart-lungs-urological etc;

ketu now heading towards natal rahu 2nd,
detachment from family-finances;
pain-injury-surgery throat-teeth-knees etc;
sat transit cap seeking change/transfer;

jup transit own sag 2nd, good for family-finances-advisory roles;


do promptly ack, share feedbacks, wishing well,


kshantaram

seethesun 06-09-2019 09:49 AM

Re: scared of myself
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by three M symbols (Post 977096)
Your 1st house rules 5 houses of your chart..
(Sun rules 10th, Mars rules 1st & 6th, Mercury rules 8th and 11th)
This is why I think this chart is amazing but tough.
With great powers come great responsabilities.

People think you're smart because you have Mercury in 1st house. This give you an intellectual powerful presence. And it's even more powerful, because in Scorpio, Mercury is able to dig deep.
People know it, because this is how you appears like : it's in 1st house. This can be why they ask you advices, and tell you their secrets : Mercury, ruler of your 8th house (house of other people ressources, their and your secrets), is in your 1st house, and they know you are able to keep secrets because of your strong ASC Scorpio house.

A planet less than five degrees before a cusp is a part of the next house. So, Sun in 1st give charisma and a strong ego. An individualistic nature.. That can attract people to you also, because Sun rules your 10th house. 10th house of public image, reputation. What people see in you first.

Mars in 1st house conjunct ASC make people think you are determined and you know what you want, even if you're not. They see you are passionate, or that you have your own motivations. You just fights for your own interests, not the ones of other people. This make you be a leader. You don't like to follow. You are assertive. And scorpio ascendant nature is to protect himself, even more if Mars conjuncts it.

Venus in 11th house attract strangers, because 11th house is the house of groups, strangers, crowds, internet, big places or building, etc... And Venus is "where and how do you attract people".. But Venus in this house likes too much freedom to engage in a relationship with real duties or obligations. With this placement in 11th house, this is easier to make friends, associate, find supports or have people who see you as someone nice. But that's the paradox : Scorpio doesn't like small talk of the 11th. And Venus doesn't like to be in Virgo. She is in fall.

You're affraid that if people start talking you about their problems, then, they will ask you questions about yourself, your life, etc.. To be alone, in this case, can be an "automatic Scorpio ASC protection". But I rather suggest to just change the topic of discussion. If you wanna talk about work, talk about work. People will understand that you are more motivated about that, and they will respect you because of your placements.
Your only Mars problem could be Saturn square Mars. Because it's in 3rd house this can play as a communication/intellectual issue.

Virgo Moon in 10th house emotional need is material security.
Worst nightmares for a Virgo moon are health issues, to fail at job or not have one, money problem, missing some ressources and things like that.. 10th house moon is good to work with public or be a seller, etc.. Jupiter conjunct your moon, so, it can expand your Virgo Moon anxiety. But it's in 10th house and it's your 2nd house ruler, so I guess you'll be successful in your carreer. This is a very lucky placement.

"I overthink every situation and rethink every word I said for the rest of the day"
Virgo moon here, is caring for 10th house (reputation, status, public image and work)... with Mercury ruler in 1st house, you place all the responsability of this on yourself.
I suggest you to use Virgo things to feel better with it.. do plan in advance, strategies, feed Mercury with intellectual positive content and skills to not let place to too much anxiety or fears, etc.. Virgo problem is that perfection doesn't exist in this world. And there are always some risks, even more when you are your own boss. But your chart is perfect for it.


this is very nice and accurate reading, thank you.
so I just need to relax a little?
I feel like something is going to change in my life and I'm still not sure what.
I just started my own business as accountant. I need to find more clients so I'm working side job as a cleaning lady to keep my finances in order.
I am terrified that people won't have trust in me or that I'll somehow make a mistake. But I'm not giving up.
Sometimes I think; "what am I even doing? I can't be successful. I'm not good enough. I don't know how other people think. I will never have money and I'll end up depending on someone."
Those are very frustrating thoughts.
I suffered a lot in my past. My family is everything except normal but I love them. Or maybe the better term is that I feel like I "outgrown" them. My mother is a cancer/sagg, and my father is cancer/scorpio. So much emotions and only behaving on emotions made me the one that they rely on. They always gave me so much responsibility (at least I felt it like a task) and they rarely give me some advice.
I was always a loner, I didn't speak much as a child and I didn't have any friends. Father was working in other countries, my mother was suffocating me with her love. And yes, I was born in a war zone, so for the first few years I was living in ruins, all people around me were in military uniforms and I just accepted it as normal. Than, the war was over and I went to school. I was something like student of generation in my elementary. I was brilliant in math and I was competing on a state level.
After that my life went downhill.
I finished my highschool barely because I really wasn't caring about anything. I made some of my first friendships and became very rebellious.
I went to the psychologist and they answer was that I'm just to "brilliant" I mean that really pissed me of. Here I was, searching for help but everyone just keep saying that I'm really smart and I will be ok. Few years later depression starts to kick in. I don't even want to remember those few years. I was thinking how this life is worthless and I was sort of having this attitude were I would do and try whatever I want but if it hurts me I'll just kill myself.

Than I started reading more about astrology. Maybe it will sound silly but I found my faith in life. First time I started feeling "connected" as a part of something bigger. I felt more and more like a warrior and less like a victim.
I won the war with a depression and anxiety attacks. I like to share my knowledge about my low parts of life with others. I want them to know that I know how they feel. Funny thing is when I say to my friends about my past and my thoughts that they say they never seen it in me. So that is what I'm doing for a last few years. I encourage people to be themselves. And I still have very much difficulties about encouraging myself.

Wow I really wrote this!
Sorry maybe I bother you, but I feel easier now. Thank you once again for your time, hope you having a great day.

Frisiangal 06-09-2019 10:23 AM

Re: scared of myself
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by seethesun (Post 976993)
the biggest problem is my career life. In order to be a successful I have to talk to them. And it would be fine if people could only stick to the business talks. But they usually dont and they are telling me their personal stuff so I instantly start panicking because I dont want to be friends or talk about my view of life.
and I really want to work. and to be career women.
it's stressing me to the point where I overthink every situation and rethink every word I said for the rest of the day.

The Air element (temperament) and houses (situations) are those that deal with the talents of communication ability.
Air is the least influenced in the chart, and Saturn (walls!) is in the 3rd house, THE house that deals with 'getting on with people'.
Scorpio is the sign for which 'privacy' is like a neon light and is heavily tenanted.
Virgo can be 'business-like' in dealing with situations (e.g. the perfect secretary), yet there isn't much chummy-chummy chat running through its veins. Its 'get to the point' is not always appreciated except by the boss. To its credit there can be an inherent natural shyness about 'seeking attention', although it isn't withdrawn as such. All fine for private Scorpio but not so for the other more open signs.

With no birth time given, I'd be interested in knowing whether it is accurate to the minute and natal Sun IS in the 12th house. OR, if it's rounded off and could be slightly earlier, whereby Sun takes on an 'outer' Scorpio character.

I think the Sun square Saturn speaks volumes regarding the 3rd house communicative (non) interaction with other people. Aquarius is the sign that is associated with independent de-tachment on a personal level. It can exchange views for hours about anything under the sun, including business dealings, but small talk and 'personal stuff' just doesn't reach its ears. OTOH its 'intellectual capacity' can be difficult for other people to reach, let alone understand. If your work includes contact with the general public for example, you may need to find, and learn to speak in what is called a Jack and Jill language in my country; i.e. simple everyday words. No one is interested in how much YOU know, but how telling you of their issues, can help you understand their problems better.

In discussions of a personal nature, you can simply nod, or 'mmmm', or make non-commited comments. People will soon get the hint.:wink:

Yours is not a problem shared alone. :smile:

(written whilst you posted).

kshantaram 06-09-2019 10:30 AM

Re: scared of myself
 
Appreciate the prompt ack,
any salient true-untrue feedbacks to share,
traits-talents-health-trends-prospects etc etc


wishing well, kshantaram

seethesun 06-09-2019 11:12 AM

Re: scared of myself
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Frisiangal (Post 977250)
The Air element (temperament) and houses (situations) are those that deal with the talents of communication ability.
Air is the least influenced in the chart, and Saturn (walls!) is in the 3rd house, THE house that deals with 'getting on with people'.
Scorpio is the sign for which 'privacy' is like a neon light and is heavily tenanted.
Virgo can be 'business-like' in dealing with situations (e.g. the perfect secretary), yet there isn't much chummy-chummy chat running through its veins. Its 'get to the point' is not always appreciated except by the boss. To its credit there can be an inherent natural shyness about 'seeking attention', although it isn't withdrawn as such. All fine for private Scorpio but not so for the other more open signs.

With no birth time given, I'd be interested in knowing whether it is accurate to the minute and natal Sun IS in the 12th house. OR, if it's rounded off and could be slightly earlier, whereby Sun takes on an 'outer' Scorpio character.

I think the Sun square Saturn speaks volumes regarding the 3rd house communicative (non) interaction with other people. Aquarius is the sign that is associated with independent de-tachment on a personal level. It can exchange views for hours about anything under the sun, including business dealings, but small talk and 'personal stuff' just doesn't reach its ears. OTOH its 'intellectual capacity' can be difficult for other people to reach, let alone understand. If your work includes contact with the general public for example, you may need to find, and learn to speak in what is called a Jack and Jill language in my country; i.e. simple everyday words. No one is interested in how much YOU know, but how telling you of their issues, can help you understand their problems better.

In discussions of a personal nature, you can simply nod, or 'mmmm', or make non-commited comments. People will soon get the hint.:wink:

Yours is not a problem shared alone. :smile:

(written whilst you posted).


Thank you, and my exact birthtime is 6:45am. My mom always say how she was looking at the clock at the time I was born :) and it is written in my papers. so is my sun in 12th or 1st?

three M symbols 06-09-2019 10:02 PM

Re: scared of myself
 
Even if you where born a few minute before, your Sun conjuncts ASC. So, the Sun will also play in 1st house, no matter which is the house placement. 12th have “secretive, deep and private traits”, also as Scorpio ASC, even if it's not for the same reasons. When it's the Scorpio ascendant of someone which have a chart lacking of air, fire, and all planets are in left side, it will be an individualist introverted type.

This is interesting to read your experience, to know how your chart influenced your life. I think you're good enough. Not because you're smart, you have an “attractive chart” or things like that. You're good, because you're very conscious about your job, with a 10th house Moon in Virgo. Perfectionnist, very obsessive, and able do your best to improve again and again when you need to.. It's the Virgo role and natural skill. Jupiter in this sign can also help you to do this, in details.

My story is similar as yours on some points, because our charts have a lot of the same placements : About my “not normal” parents (Aquarius in 4th house trait - marginal family). My several mental health issues that no one never helped me dealing with, everybody thought I was strong and fine, even when I wanted to kill myself everyday when I woke up (Mars in 1st house cj Scorpio ASC). My ability to overcome depression and all those things by just finding faith, thanks to astrology and spiritual values.
Now I'm also trying to start my own business, after a decade training myself for it (Mars in 1st house ruler of 6th H + 6th house Aries leadership traits + Leo MC + 10th virgo moon). But i'm affraid as ****, again and again, to never found enough clients or being lacking skills.

I'm also a loner. Not for the exact same reasons as yours. Even if at the beginning it was almost the same.
And I experienced a lot of the Virgo 10th moon nightmares . (because of my North Node return in 12th house. My NN conjunct Mercury. Mercury in 12th house rules my Virgo Sun and Virgo Moon)

I burned so much bridges, that my only option is to succeed. So, I'll do it no matter the time and work it will take. This is what my ASC see and why I'm still here. Never surrender at improving and you'll be very good at what you do. Because there is a challenge, there is a reason to fight hard.


I wish you the best


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