Whats your most difficult aspect/s you've had to deal with in your chart ?


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For me, it's gotta be my Saturn conjuncting my descendant extremely closely (less than half a degree). It has manifested very strongly, in my opinion. I have never had a romantic relationship ever, and I am 39. Any brush with anything even remotely resembling a relationship all ended in pain and heart-break. Luckily for me that now I no longer feel that having a man by my side will complete my life. I am content to be alone now.
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Growing up: 3rd Moon sq 6th Mercury, combust Mercury....felt deeply inferior to my high-achieving, objective, mathematically gifted dad + brothers + peers. Saturn sq Asc, Moon sq Pluto gave me a sad and lonely adolescence.

Now: Probably the 6th stellium, making lots of squares to the Moon, MC, chiron. Really struggling with avoidance and shyness in my daily life and a barrage of (probably psychosomatic) illnesses. Lots to push through, but astrology is really helping me understand what to tackle and how. And I trust my Sun conj Pluto to help me transform.
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Sun Square Saturn-Parents divorced when I was 7, grew up without a father or father figure. Dad was a Taurus with Mercury in Aries, really brash and insensitive towards me, used corporal punishment against me one time when he was going through messy emotions related to his marriage with my mom and his unfulfilled work / career aspirations. It makes me feel a seething hatred, even to this day, for dominant male figures who always want to be the proverbial "man of the house", I feel a sense of repulsion towards many socially accepted ideals of what a man, a father should be and very much identify with things that are more feminine and motherly. I know that if I have children I'll be, in many ways, like a second mother to them rather than a typical father. Since my Saturn's in my 4th house, I've also fought a long battle with the emotionally abusive maternal side of my family and only now am I starting to see a glimmer of hope for the better. After becoming a teenager I got to spend some time with my dad, things went alright at first but then I was really turned off by his desire to lead, dominate, and shape me into an "ideal male" that he wishes he could have raised me to become. I broke off all ties, he has started another family anyway so I honestly don't bother with him nor do I want to.

Perhaps another way that this square impacts my life is how Saturn represents rigidity and even ultra-conservatism. I can be a very rigid, unwavering person when it comes to my core beliefs and morals, and I am more often than not extremely unwilling to do / try new things and to deviate from my established patterns of thinking. Some have said that I need to be more open, accepting, ambitious and adventurous in order to reach my true potential, and maybe that's true, but I'm unwilling to make compromises on the ideas I hold dear. I feel that I certainly haven't kept up with the times in many ways, and there's something strong in me that prevents me from making possible "progress". I have a very deep fear of change when it comes to location, the world in general, the way others are, lifestyle / routine, my own personality, my values and ideas. "You've changed" is one of the things I'm most afraid of hearing, even when these changes are positive to others. I'd rather just be the same old me throughout my whole life, for better or worse. This deep-seated fear of change, and how tightly I cling to my deepest values that are often old-fashioned, come as a shock because even many older people in Western societies were much more free-spirited during their twenties, so they can't comprehend how a 22-year old Millennial in 2018 can be so serious and held back when it comes to some things that they think everyone must at least TRY once in their lives.

The whole idea of "youth", and my relationship to it, is a bit complicated. Part of me tries to deny the youth in me, because I feel repulsed by the carefree, energetic, and passionate qualities often associated with youth. I know that's not who I fundamentally am, nor what I want to be, as an individual. However, sometimes I also have a bit of a longing for "what could have been", and I have a bit of admiration for other guys and girls, whether from my own culture (East Asian) or other cultures who don't necessarily think the way I do, who allow themselves to be carefree, to be passionate, and to enjoy life without so much restraint, even do some silly things like get drunk and have lots of sex. To me, there are times when I feel a sense of loss because I've never experienced that feeling. How can I do something, how can I choose to be with someone without any consideration for what may happen in the future, to just enjoy the HERE AND NOW? Apart from being an introvert by nature, in some ways I never had the chance to be young and wild. Dealing with my parents' divorce, and having to put up with an emotionally immature mom and abusive relatives on her side, I had to "be the adult" and take on emotional **** that I'd never wish on any young person. My life, up until fairly recently, was characterized by the need the preservation of my very sanity, while also protecting and defending my values against a world I can't keep up with and in many ways, I'd very much avoid. I sometimes imagine whether I would have become a freer, happier, and more open-minded person had circumstances been kinder to me, but it is what it is and all I can say is I hope life doesn't throw too much at me from here on. Whether that will be the case, I'll find out.

I have a deep longing for peace, for simplicity, and security more than anything else. Since Saturn deals with reticence while the Sun's about self-expression, I have a fear and suspicion of self-expression, and I sort of look up to people who can do this more easily. Even positive and acceptable expressions of ego and self-esteem, I tend to view them as fake and undesirable. I value modesty and self-denial to a fault. I don't know how to handle a compliment though deep down I like being complimented. I can be judgmental of people who hold more "progressive" and "modern" views of the things I value, though I'll rarely let them know. It's hard for me to comprehend why someone would live a life that's exciting, energetic, perhaps even unpredictable over a life that's quiet and content, though again I sometimes wish I had more of a "spark" in me.

If I become a dad, I see myself as a dad who's deeply loving and devoted to my children, who wants them to explore and experience things I've never had the opportunity to, but another side of me will want to influence, even impose some of my values on them. In many ways I'd relate to them more like a mother than a typical father. I can be unsure of myself and what's right for my children.

Mercury Square Saturn-While I'm an introvert by nature, this aspect certainly hasn't helped me when it comes to expressing my thoughts and feelings better. I had a close relationship with my mom as a kid and as I grew older it became a bit rocky, but when it came to dealing with the relatives on her side I couldn't show my true self to them because it was really a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of relationship dynamic, if you know what I mean. I also HATE making plans and having to make conclusive decisions unless it's 1) Something I REALLY, and I mean REALLY care about 2) I'm forced to by circumstances or pushed by someone else, if it's the latter I need to be pushed quite a bit. As Mercury governs thought and intellect, it could augment what I've described about how Sun Square Saturn influences my values and patterns of thinking.

I'd say these two, especially Sun Square Saturn, have impacted my life most negatively. It's funny how the two most feminine planets, Moon and Venus, are Trine in my chart, while the two most "fatherly" / masculine planets, Sun and Saturn, are Square each other. I've made more female than male friends throughout the course of my life so far, and sometimes I feel as if I have an easier time talking and relating to women than men.

If I really had to come up with a third aspect, I'd say perhaps Venus Sextile Saturn. Now you're wondering, why would I think such an aspect could be a struggle? I'll start off by saying that in most ways I'm glad to have this aspect, especially with a Gemini Venus, because it brings an element of commitment and stability in love that Gemini Venus would otherwise not suggest. I have an almost paranoid fear of three things when it comes to my romantic life: 1) Divorce 2) Infidelity, whether myself or my spouse, whether it's purely driven by desire or circumstances+desire working together 3) Finding the right spouse late or never finding her. I'm an idealistic traditionalist who wants to get married by 25-26, 29-30 is late for me. Why? Because I am charmed by the idea that I've found my love relatively early in life and I'll be with her until I die. I also believe that when we're younger, things are easier because being older we can have too many mental obstacles that tie us up, and being single for long periods of time, I fear, will lead to being accustomed to it. I don't know. Maybe I can't even fully explain why I hold such an ideal that seems to run totally contrary to the modern world, but it's not something I'm willing to let go of. I also fear that as the years go by I'll change into a completely different person, which I view as a betrayal of myself if not anyone else.

I'm not a typically romantic guy who gives flowers and plans fancy and / or exciting dates. I show my love through doing little things, through my friendship and companionship during both times of joy and times of sadness. I have no idea how to seduce, how to be romantic and I tend to view many fancier expressions of love as a little unnecessary. As it's traditionally been said in China, a loving and lasting marriage transforms love into kinship. I find myself attracted to people who are older in age, or at least in soul. I don't think I've ever connected with someone who's younger in mind / soul than me, because I feel that they don't fulfill my need to be protected and looked after. Sometimes I wish I could be romantic, and people have said that it can be learned, but I'm not convinced. If I had to come up with a definition of being romantic, it would be getting takeaway for my other half at 6PM on a winter evening when it's already cold and pitch black and she's hungry but too tired to go outside. Maybe this is also related to Venus in the 6th?

I have trouble relating to most girls, or should I say, most people of my age or slightly younger. It's like they just don't share the same priorities as I do, and they find my deeply held, somewhat reticent values quite repulsive.

Apologize for the super long post, to some of you it's as if I've already told you half of my whole life story. While I can't say I'm not happy with the way I am and I don't wish I could swap bodies and minds with someone else, every once in a while I do feel a little down when I compare myself to some peers who are more youthful and less worried about..... certain things. Once again, it is what it is. I'm sure the world won't change if I didn't exist, people would still do whatever they've always done. Who knows? Maybe people like me are halting progress, but I tend to have a negative view when it comes to much of what society views as "progress." One is economic development and others are more sensitive issues that are best left for another day and setting.

Last thing I want to say is, I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs. INFPs make up 2-3% of the population, that's a tragically low percentage.
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It's isn't exactly difficult now, but for a long time i thought i was weak and lacked that mars energy in myself. I have mars in 8H leo now. Conjunct vertex and chiron. Maybe this an indication as to why i wasn't so aware of it before.