Should I allow my abusive and toxic mother back into my life?

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
I remember, Lost. Don’t do it.

Getting my narcissist father out of my life was the best thing for me. it was very hard at first, and I almost committed suicide. But in the long run it was the best for everyone. He’s been dead now for more than a quarter century, and my mother for about 3 years.

You would really need to look at the Tertiary Progressed Return chart synastry if you wanted to see what the current feelings between you would be like. To do that, you would need to PM me some data.

Thank you, Samanta Bean. I appreciate your response.

She tormented me my entire life and now that I am back in touch with her, the thoughts of suicide are creeping back in every single day because I feel as though it's the only way to escape her now that she sneaked back into my life using my dad's death. I was perfectly stable beforehand (during the 6 years of no-contact).

I will PM you some data, thank you for the kind offer.
 
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Osamenor

Administrator
Staff member
She tormented me my entire life and now that I am back in touch with her, the thoughts of suicide are creeping back in every single day because I feel as though it's the only way to escape her now that she sneaked back into my life using my dad's death. I was perfectly stable beforehand (during the 6 years of no-contact).

There's your answer right there. It doesn't take astrology to tell you that.

The synastry between your birth chart and your mother's cannot change. It's the same now as it was six years ago, and same as it was during your childhood. If synastry showed how someone would behave toward you, it would always show the same behavior.

In reality, people's behavior sometimes does change, but if this is how you feel about your mother, you can't afford to wait around to find out if she'll treat you any differently, and the safest assumption is that she won't. Even if she did, the way she treated you before and the way it makes you feel now still stands. That would be reason enough to keep her out of your life for good.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
There's your answer right there. It doesn't take astrology to tell you that.

The synastry between your birth chart and your mother's cannot change. It's the same now as it was six years ago, and same as it was during your childhood. If synastry showed how someone would behave toward you, it would always show the same behavior.

In reality, people's behavior sometimes does change, but if this is how you feel about your mother, you can't afford to wait around to find out if she'll treat you any differently, and the safest assumption is that she won't. Even if she did, the way she treated you before and the way it makes you feel now still stands. That would be reason enough to keep her out of your life for good.

Thank you.

Yes, I'm aware the synastry cannot change, but since I never really posted a synastry chart including both of us, I was wondering if the synastry could provide more insight as to why she is the way she is with me.
 

ElenaJ

Well-known member
The advice the others wrote above are really the best route.
Your mother is your mother, and none of us can escape from that connection.
Some can develop a liveable relationship, but others can't.
If it is too toxic, the only thing to do is exit.
You can't change her, you can only change how you react, and how you assimilate her actions internally. It's one of the greatest challenges we face in life!
This said, the chart you posted is really very difficult to read.
However, as Osamenor wrote, the synastry is what it is. It's the spiritual progress that a person makes that can change things, how they manifest the energy they are born with.
Your synastry has a sun/jupiter conjunction and a moon/jupiter opposition, so one would be led to think this is actually a positive connection!
The sun/neptune conjunction isn't necessarily negative.
Based on this, the synastry probably won't be of any help to you.
A horary question might have been more appropriate in this case.
At any rate, good luck, stay true to yourself, whichever way you decide to go.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
The advice the others wrote above are really the best route.
Your mother is your mother, and none of us can escape from that connection.
Some can develop a liveable relationship, but others can't.
If it is too toxic, the only thing to do is exit.
You can't change her, you can only change how you react, and how you assimilate her actions internally. It's one of the greatest challenges we face in life!
This said, the chart you posted is really very difficult to read.
However, as Osamenor wrote, the synastry is what it is. It's the spiritual progress that a person makes that can change things, how they manifest the energy they are born with.
Your synastry has a sun/jupiter conjunction and a moon/jupiter opposition, so one would be led to think this is actually a positive connection!
The sun/neptune conjunction isn't necessarily negative.
Based on this, the synastry probably won't be of any help to you.
A horary question might have been more appropriate in this case.
At any rate, good luck, stay true to yourself, whichever way you decide to go.

Thank you.

I hesitated with a horary chart and thought a synastry would give me more insight as to why she behaves the way she does and why I feel the way I feel.

Perhaps the chart has positive connections, but it doesn't negate all the negative things that actually happened in real life. All charts have positive connections to one degree or another but it doesn't mean these translate into reality, unfortunately.
 

ElenaJ

Well-known member
Exactly, which is why in this case the synastry probably isn't the best approach.
If anything, maybe her natal could help to evaluate her internal conflicts, how they manifest, and her 5th house of children.
Did you try doing a composite of your two chart? That should reflect better what the relationship between you two is like.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
Exactly, which is why in this case the synastry probably isn't the best approach.
If anything, maybe her natal could help to evaluate her internal conflicts, how they manifest, and her 5th house of children.
Did you try doing a composite of your two chart? That should reflect better what the relationship between you two is like.

I will look into the composite, thank you. I've never tried it in this particular context.
 

Osamenor

Administrator
Staff member
I will look into the composite, thank you. I've never tried it in this particular context.

But that's only possible if you know her time of birth. I see you cast a hypothetical noon chart for your mother. Do you not know her birth time?

Without knowing the exact birth times of both parties, it's impossible to cast a composite chart. You can calculate midpoint composites of your planets based on dates alone, but you can't determine the composite houses or composite Moon.
 

IleneK

Premium Member
What Osa and others said, dear Lost in Philly.
You do not need a chart or charts of any kind to know what you need to do.

Please be sure to take care of your precious life!
We care about you!

PS Just to put in some astrology, your Suns square each other, your Moon oppose each other by sign. Not much ease between your respective identities and inner feeling lives.
 
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ElenaJ

Well-known member
Not an easy situation to resolve.
While all the advice/suggestions are valid and logical, if it were that easy, LostinPhilly would have already done that without referring to the forum.
A mother/daughter connection is very binding, and often carries a lot of Karma weight, so the choice between staying and taking a beating with the idea of coming to a resolution, or just turning a back and walking out the door, just isn't easy at all.
My sympathies, a lot of us live with this type of conflict, and sometimes it's only with the death of one or the other that the conflict ends, often without resolution but with lasting guilt feelings.
Yes, the birth times can give a more complete idea of the energies, but a lot can be learned even without. In a composite we can't check the houses or ascendent, and even in the natal charts it would be helpful to check the 10th and 5th of each chart, but there you go, compromise is called for.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
Thank you, everyone. While the synastry was not able to provide details on why behaves the way she does with me, I think it's crystal clear her negative traits are simply part of her DNA and relationship with me.

I visited my mom's house for the first time in 6 years this afternoon and she has been using the guilt trip to the greatest extent thus far. For instance, she told me my dad said he would die of a heart attack over me going no contact.

She wanted opted me to visit for them to drop the heavy paperwork stuff on me. She told me my brother spends his days sleeping (he's 25) and doesn't want to deal with the paperwork following my dad's death. I told her he needs to learn and start taking care of that too. Lo and behold, within 2 hours of me showing up, she went into the kitchen with my brother and spoke to him in a very low voice, but I heard the whispers (about her starting with the small stuff first and then the heavier bits after) and my brother then looked at me from the kitchen with such a death stare, it sent shivers down my spine (she probably relayed what I said about him stepping up). My brother can have a bit of a temper, so as soon as I heard her gossiping in the kitchen with him, I said I needed to leave and left without looking back. How, as a mother who hasn't seen a child in 6 years, can you start gossiping with another one of your children about the child who just allowed you back into their life and made the effort to visit you? This, is low and downright evil. She clearly couldn't help it and it made me so uncomfortable, I had to leave. Me saying he needs to learn about paperwork is not a bad thing, I don't know how she phrased it to him, but he seemed worked up.

The woman saw me and started crying saying: "I don't know what happened to my family. My husband died, my kids are orphans and my eldest child has gotten so rail thin, she's the shadow of herself. What on earth happened"? This was within the first 5 minutes of me setting a foot in her house. She said inspired "pity" feelings. I came all dressed up and my shape already looked like this before, nothing new. Instead of feeling grateful her daughter traveled from overseas to visit her, she says I inspire pity because I'm supposedly "rail thin". I feel great in my body and she's literally crying and body shaming me in the same sentence.

Smh. What was I thinking visiting. Talk about a warm welcome. There has to be something in the composite or somewhere else to justify this nasty behavior.
 

Ukpoohbear

Well-known member
Think about it this way - analysing the composite or synastry is forming a connection between you both - there is no relationship. You should concentrate on yourself, ask questions about your chart and think about your own self care plan.

This is what others have suggested to you. If you want to go down the rabbit hole and look at connections between you both, that’s against the advice of everyone here so you will need to do it yourself.
 

ElenaJ

Well-known member
How dreadful.
And how well you were able to react. Good for you!Stay strong.
How is your relationship with your siblings? Do you usually get on well with them when she isn't around?
This is where the ascendents and houses are important, too bad you don't have any of the birth times. Looking forward to seeing the composite.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
How dreadful.
And how well you were able to react. Good for you!Stay strong.
How is your relationship with your siblings? Do you usually get on well with them when she isn't around?
This is where the ascendents and houses are important, too bad you don't have any of the birth times. Looking forward to seeing the composite.

Yes, I have two younger sisters and we get on extremely well, always have. Even yesterday, despite my mother's attitude during my visit, my sisters made it much more bearable. We talked and laughed as if no time had passed.

I also have a brother, but he has a bit of a temper. He tends to always support what my mother says even if it's utterly unreasonable. He always defends my mom and has no problem attacking me or act ruthless towards me to defend her (even if he too went no contact with her for almost 2 years because she betrayed my dad twice). I always feel uneasy with him because I know he can have an outburst at any time.
 
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