Negative energy emanating from a toxic parent

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
This is an issue I have been struggling with my entire life, but it wasn't until I discovered my own spirituality outside of the parameters of the religion I was brought up in, that I noticed certain negative aspects of my life.

As a child/teenaged, I was physically and emotionally abused. The abuse was a daily routine for me, on top of the bullying I was experiencing in parallel at school. I was not allowed to magazines, music, friends or even speaking to boys for homework at school. My mother has always thought of me as less than an individual. The abuse remains to this day, even now that I am 25. She doesn't have any substance abuse, but I suspect she has a personality disorder (bipolar ...). She isn't educated (stopped school before high school) and was brought up by her grand-mother as her parents refused to keep her. She then married my father as a result of an arranged marriage and got shunned by her family for marrying him after they had changed their minds.

Being the eldest, I quickly became her victim. I was used as an outlet for her inner struggles. I never really cared this much until she cheated on my father and when he found out through me, she told him I manipulated everyone and lied. I was forced to apologize to her even though the proofs were right in front of my dad!

I was hurt but I tried to move past it. However, now that my father "believed" to her version of the story, she feels as though she has some kind of power to treat me like trash. She often hits me when she's mad and is praying "God" so that I become beautiful (mind you, people often assume I work in the entertainment/modelling industry due to my looks. I have no problem dating). She also tried for a while to brainwash me into thinking my dad hates me until I confronted her.

Now, I realized her energy has been poisonning my life. If I tell her about something before finalizing the last details, I can be sure that endeavor/relationship won't work out. For instance, I told her about my last job and I got fired after two days, I told her about someone I had just started dating and two days later he dumped me, I told her about a friend of mine and things went sour a couple days later, I told her about my move and visa plans and now the visa issuance has been delayed ...

Everytime I tell her about something positive, it simply doesn't work out! The day I got my college degree, she told me she didn't care and didn't speak to me for a week. Same the day I graduated from high school and before my birthdays. She's never been happy about anything regarding me.

I have younger siblings and she treats them like gold. I'm trash.

How to get rid of her negativity or block it from affecting my life? Nothing works out when she's aware of my plans. I can't anymore. None of my siblings want to stick out for me because she treats them so well, they don't even believe me (it doesn't help that we're 13 years apart).

Thanks,
 
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Sweet Pea

Well-known member
It doesn't sound good. Have there been things that you didn't tell her about, and they worked out fine? It would be good to test out this theory that she is managing to jinx everything that means something to you. It would be wise to keep quiet about your life.

You might like to google "daughters of narcissistic mothers" as I think there is a list out there of the traits these mothers have. One classic tendency from your account is to have favourites amongst the children, as well as a black sheep who they are never happy with. Your mother doesn't like to hear about your success, because it isn't hers.

Since this is an astrology forum, have you checked out the synastry and composite chart with your Mum? It could be that you trigger the worst in her, and your siblings don't.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
Thank you very much, Sweet Pea.

Yes, I did test the hypothesis you mentionned and it proved my theory right. I suspected she jinxed many opportunities so in December 2014, I got a job offer and I didn't inform her until I left her house and moved out. The job worked out perfectly! I really had a blast working there.

When I first applied to my selective college degree in 2009, I didn't inform her about it because I knew she'd say something. I actually got in! The school I discussed with her rejected me.

Last month, I informed her that I was going to apply for a preparatory bar examination course, I got rejected from a lower-ranked school.

All the other jobs I discussed with her ended badly or fell through without even me setting a foot there. Same goes for relationships.

As a matter of fact, whenever she's aware of my job situation, I can't even get an interview. Then, once I cut her out because she hurt my feelings in some way, I start getting calls for interviews or other opportunities. Things only start moving when I'm not on speaking terms with her. It's very very strange.

I will have to generate a synastry chart and see what aspects cause these issues. Maybe the chart will give me an idea as to whether or not I should cut her out for good.
 
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Osamenor

Administrator
Staff member
I will have to generate a synastry chart and see what aspects cause these issues. Maybe the chart will give me an idea as to whether or not I should cut her out for good.

Do you really need a chart to tell you that?

Everything you've said here looks like proof enough to me. All a chart could do is confirm that, if it does. Synastry charts may point to potential for conflict (or not), but they don't tell you what kind of conflict. People with major conflicts in their synastry charts might be bitter enemies for life, but, if they're in a different frame of mind (or more evolved, or make better choices, however you prefer to look at it), they might simply be arguing buddies--people who frequently disagree and challenge each other, but also greatly respect each other.

So much of what you've described sounds like a fairy tale. In the fairy tales, it's usually a wicked stepmother, who favors her own biological daughters and mistreats the stepdaughter... but fairy tales provide a convenient cover. The reality is, a biological mother can be no less wicked to her own daughter, and the dynamic exactly like Cinderella's or Snow White's stepmother.

And what do those fairy tale heroines do? They escape somehow, always by doing something out of the wicked stepmother's sight. The Disneyfied versions of those stories may give the credit to a handsome prince and/or the fortunate appearance of a fairy godmother, but really, it all starts with what the heroine herself does.

Metaphorically, it sounds like your mother is doing her best to feed you poisoned apples, and might try to do so even after you cut her off.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
Do you really need a chart to tell you that?

Everything you've said here looks like proof enough to me. All a chart could do is confirm that, if it does. Synastry charts may point to potential for conflict (or not), but they don't tell you what kind of conflict. People with major conflicts in their synastry charts might be bitter enemies for life, but, if they're in a different frame of mind (or more evolved, or make better choices, however you prefer to look at it), they might simply be arguing buddies--people who frequently disagree and challenge each other, but also greatly respect each other.

So much of what you've described sounds like a fairy tale. In the fairy tales, it's usually a wicked stepmother, who favors her own biological daughters and mistreats the stepdaughter... but fairy tales provide a convenient cover. The reality is, a biological mother can be no less wicked to her own daughter, and the dynamic exactly like Cinderella's or Snow White's stepmother.

And what do those fairy tale heroines do? They escape somehow, always by doing something out of the wicked stepmother's sight. The Disneyfied versions of those stories may give the credit to a handsome prince and/or the fortunate appearance of a fairy godmother, but really, it all starts with what the heroine herself does.

Metaphorically, it sounds like your mother is doing her best to feed you poisoned apples, and might try to do so even after you cut her off.

Thank you very much for your help, Osamenor :)

You hit the nail on the head here. I've told her countless times that she acted like step-mother and not like a mother, and we got into many arguments because of this statement. I specifically recall telling her this very same statement in September 2015 and she replied: "Don't you dare say such thing. It's a sin".

This woman is downright evil and completely obtuce to her own toxic behavior. She's completely unaware of her mental and emotional unstability. When I try to have a meaningful conversation with her in order to get my point across, she literally starts laughing like a lunatic (very loud, very sarcastic, very long) and starts singing: "Lalalalalala ...". This is not the behavior of a normal 56 year old woman.

She's plain nuts. Today, I dared to walk on a carpet and she told me: "Why are you so stupid? You don't walk on my carpet. I pray on this carpet. This is such a sin". I had no clue this was the carpet she prayed on. It looked like any other house carpet. I've never seen her pray on this carpet.

She seems bipolar or schizophrenic to me. I know I don't need to cast a chart to understand that I need to cut her off, but I simply wanted to understand.

Today, I tried to confront her about when she told me she'd "pray for me to be beautiful" and my dad jumped in to her rescue saying she probably meant she'd pray for me not to have acne anymore (I haven't had acne since I was 19. He wasn't there when she told me those words and he jumped in to discredit my statements, to make her look good). The woman was clearly talking about now, she used the present tense.

He told me there's no harm in what she said. She's been bullying me my entire life. She's emotionally bankrupt. She's an emotional terrorist at this stage. I don't see how her words would be "harmless".

These parents are utterly delusional. They're completely disconnected from reality. They don't understand the impact of words on one's confidence. I can't believe I'm even related to these people to begin with.
 

Kitchy

Banned
Hello -

Without seeing a chart - I wonder what your Moon-Pluto natal relationship is. If you have a Moon-Pluto aspect - it makes sense. The mother devouring the child or the child devouring the mother.

I have a Moon-Pluto square and a Moon-Moon conjunct with my recently departed mother (84 years old). We had a similar relationship of exchanged toxicity for pretty much 50 years.

I made multiple attempts over five decades to escape from my mother's hold - physically and emotionally. When I was 18 years old and just graduated high school, I told her I was moving out and she threw herself to the ground and begged me not to. I kicked her away in twisted Moon-Pluto fear of dying. Now, realize I made multiple assaults on both our Moons to beat us both up real good - just as I had learned by osmosis. All in the defense of "you're not the boss of me" -

Moon-Pluto folks usually have a parent or child who feels like 'the boss of me'.

To truly separate from a parent emotionally, Moon-Pluto needs to render the parent or child ineffectual or harmless to them. This does not mean a void of love - but it might indicate a void of protection.

Pluto is hard and cold and deep - and you have to be beaten up, frozen up and fall hard and long to understand it.

I think about the hundreds of stories I've seen where the child kills the parent or is killed by the parent or kills themselves or the parent kills themselves when they have kids and all I ever think of is Moon-Pluto.

It's a very harsh and brutal aspect - especially for the squares and oppostions. The conjunctive aspect seems to do quite well - because they are masters of where to stick the knife.

I used to think if my mom was dead, I would be able to live the life I wanted to. I felt that powerless and so my only power was to blame her. She was no saint, but she didn't kill me and I didn't kill her. Of what I get now about the Moon-Pluto aspect - that may be the best to hope for. ;)
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
Well, in my case, the toxic aspect doesn't come from love. It comes from a selfish place to put me down whenever she gets the chance to make herself feel better. Now that I am a grown woman and she can't beat me up like she used to, she's using the emotional aspect to hurt me.

I always try to be courteous and never get into arguments with her, but even when I'm minding my own business, not speaking to her, she seeks arguments. She always tries to get attention by saying (for instance): "You're always so mean to me, I prefer your siblings. I'm such a nice mother".

She can't stand to have me around because she's always criticizing me, but she also can't stand it when I try to ignore her so I don't stir up any fights. I can never win with her.

I don't want her dead. I want her away from me. Right now, I'm in between jobs, so I had to move back in but whenever I get the chance to move out, I don't think I'd want anything to do with her again.

I always try to mend things before I leave, but it never lasts. She always says one hurtful thing and then blames me for being "mean" when I hadn't even uttered a word. She likes to provoke me, stir up fights then blame it on me. She likes the attention, nothing more, nothing less.
 

Kitchy

Banned
Well, in my case, the toxic aspect doesn't come from love. It comes from a selfish place to put me down whenever she gets the chance to make herself feel better. Now that I am a grown woman and she can't beat me up like she used to, she's using the emotional aspect to hurt me.

I always try to be courteous and never get into arguments with her, but even when I'm minding my own business, not speaking to her, she seeks arguments. She always tries to get attention by saying (for instance): "You're always so mean to me, I prefer your siblings. I'm such a nice mother".

She can't stand to have me around because she's always criticizing me, but she also can't stand it when I try to ignore her so I don't stir up any fights. I can never win with her.

I don't want her dead. I want her away from me. Right now, I'm in between jobs, so I had to move back in but whenever I get the chance to move out, I don't think I'd want anything to do with her again.

I always try to mend things before I leave, but it never lasts. She always says one hurtful thing and then blames me for being "mean" when I hadn't even uttered a word. She likes to provoke me, stir up fights then blame it on me. She likes the attention, nothing more, nothing less.

I get it. But you'll be done when your done, or she will. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. At any rate, I am suspecting a Moon-Pluto aspect in this mix and you might find comfort, release in reading up the "hades moon" and there is a lot of astrological wisdom out there about such.

Spend as much time blaming your mother for your misery as you need to, it will be cathartic - ask yourself why you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't, walk away from it when you were old enough to realize the pain it caused you and then read more on Moon-Pluto if it is the root.

If you don't have a moon-pluto aspect in your natal or with your mother - then I am wrong and don't know shinola.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
I get it. But you'll be done when your done, or she will. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. At any rate, I am suspecting a Moon-Pluto aspect in this mix and you might find comfort, release in reading up the "hades moon" and there is a lot of astrological wisdom out there about such.

Spend as much time blaming your mother for your misery as you need to, it will be cathartic - ask yourself why you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't, walk away from it when you were old enough to realize the pain it caused you and then read more on Moon-Pluto if it is the root.

If you don't have a moon-pluto aspect in your natal or with your mother - then I am wrong and don't know shinola.

I'm not blaming her for my so-called "misery". I'm blaming her for being such a mean person and expect sympathy in return.

I checked our aspects via GrupoVenus and there is no Moon-Pluto aspects in my synastry with her nor in my natal chart.
 
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Kitchy

Banned
I'm not blaming her for my so-called "misery". I'm blaming her for being such a mean person and expect sympathy in return.

I checked our aspects via GrupoVenus and there is not Moon-Pluto aspects in my synastry with her nor in my natal chart.
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Okay - maybe I am projecting my own moon-pluto issues and missed the point. What kind of sympathy are you expecting? What sympathy will make the pain feel better?

Is there a moon-neptune with a pissed off mars-moon that I missed from the chart I haven't seen?
 
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Osamenor

Administrator
Staff member
Okay - maybe I am projecting my own moon-pluto issues and missed the point. What kind of sympathy are you expecting? What sympathy will make the pain feel better?

I think LostinPhilly means her mother expects sympathy in return (for being such a mean person). That she said "expect" instead of "expecting" looks like a typo to me.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
I think LostinPhilly means her mother expects sympathy in return (for being such a mean person). That she said "expect" instead of "expecting" looks like a typo to me.

It was indeed a typo which I forgot to correct.

Correct. I was referring to my mother acting in a very mean way, yet expecting sympathy in return.
 

ashriia

Well-known member
I'm not blaming her for my so-called "misery". I'm blaming her for being such a mean person and expect sympathy in return.
I checked our aspects via GrupoVenus and there is no Moon-Pluto aspects in my synastry with her nor in my natal chart.

I looked at your chart when it was still available on another thread of yours because I was curious to see it regarding another post you had made on the forum.

From what I remember you're experiencing transit pluto on your dsc opposite cancer rising?(moon). This is turn ends up not only acting as a pluto moon opposition transit... but also carries with it the power struggles that occur with transit pluto in the 7th. I am only mentioning this because I underwent this very transit in 2009, and I wish I would have known more about it while it was occurring. Just something to look into...which I think would be of great benefit, while dealing with powerful moon/pluto problems.

Hope I'm remembering the right chart. :smile:
 

waybread

Staff member
LostinPhilly, are you willing to post your charts? If you don't know your mother's birth time, just input it as "unknown," and at least it won't generate bogus houses.

I gathered from your post that you are from a traditional culture, possibly southern Asia or Near East. Can you confirm this in a general way?

It seems to me that an important step is just to move out of the house if you are still living at home. Possibly you have a girlfriend with an apartment or a sympathetic extended family member with a spare room. Ideally you could move a long distance away. It seems that you need to maintain some relationship with your mother, but more at arm's length. For example, you can be in communication once a month, but not frequently and not about anything where she might retaliate, like your actual workplace, which is what it sounds like she's doing.

Have you looked at your mother's horoscope? It should show her inner demons. Is it correct that your father is emotionally aloof or intimidated by your mother? You might naturally feel a lot of resentment towards him, as well.

It sounds like she's scapegoating you. This generally happens for reasons internal to her. Your synastry should show why you're her target of choice

But if you don't see anything changing so long as you live at home or close by, perhaps it is time for you to begin a separate life. One where, ideally, you feel surrounded by supportive people, or at least where you can begin to heal with some peace in your life.

Best wishes for your journey, W.
 
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Kitchy

Banned
Hello - and to add a thought:

Sweet Pea brought up the notion of Narcissistic mothers. I've read up on a lot about this and it is a prominent truth that children of Narcissists tend to end up with a host of Narcissistic relationships in their lives.

Narcissistic moms aren't much good with feelings unless they can twist them into their own benefit while downplaying yours, and many a child of a narcissist believes that one day they will have that ideal parent who will respond and nurture and direct their emotional needs to positive places. That is literally impossible for one who's wiring is to triangulate, manipulate or to deviate others' feelings to part of their their own issues or experiences and superiority of grief and guilt.

If you are a fan of the big bang theory - t.v. show - leonard's mom is a great example of a narcissist mother. or maybe watch the little mermaid and the sea witch queen ursula.

When everything revolves around/involves them if it is to be considered real - there is very little room left for other people, even when they convince you that you have a big place in their heart or life.
 
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Osamenor

Administrator
Staff member
If you are a fan of the big bang theory - t.v. show - leonard's mom is a great example of a narcissist mother.
LostinPhilly lives in France. I doubt American TV shows are played much there, if at all, although I could be wrong about that.
or maybe watch the little mermaid and the sea witch queen ursula.

Exactly the point I was making about fairy tales.

In fairy tales, the evil stepmother or other evil mother figure is usually a witch, and usually ends up getting vanquished in a way that works on witches specifically. Fire and/or water seem to do the trick most often: make her dance to death in burning shoes (Grimm's version of Snow White) or cross water to escape her, because evil beings cannot cross water (Hansel and Gretel, and pretty much all the Baba Yaga stories), melt her with water (The Wizard of Oz) or shove her in the fire (Hansel and Gretel again).

I am not suggesting that you literally kill your mother. But when you mention the negative energy and her automatically sabotaging everything, that makes me think of the evil witch archetype. Perhaps she isn't deliberately practicing witchcraft, but arguably, what she's doing to you could be considered witchcraft (if serious considerations of witchcraft were not two or three centuries obsolete!). So, it needs to be fought like you would fight a witch.

Perhaps you could escape her by literally crossing water--moving far away. Even if you don't cross the ocean (although that possibility may exist), a trip of any great distance will take you across rivers and lakes--even if you cross them in an airplane or over a bridge or go around them--so that condition would be met.

Or perhaps you could symbolically burn away her influence on you. How to do that, you have plenty of choice. There are lots of possible ways, you could even make up your own.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
LostinPhilly lives in France. I doubt American TV shows are played much there, if at all, although I could be wrong about that.


Exactly the point I was making about fairy tales.

In fairy tales, the evil stepmother or other evil mother figure is usually a witch, and usually ends up getting vanquished in a way that works on witches specifically. Fire and/or water seem to do the trick most often: make her dance to death in burning shoes (Grimm's version of Snow White) or cross water to escape her, because evil beings cannot cross water (Hansel and Gretel, and pretty much all the Baba Yaga stories), melt her with water (The Wizard of Oz) or shove her in the fire (Hansel and Gretel again).

I am not suggesting that you literally kill your mother. But when you mention the negative energy and her automatically sabotaging everything, that makes me think of the evil witch archetype. Perhaps she isn't deliberately practicing witchcraft, but arguably, what she's doing to you could be considered witchcraft (if serious considerations of witchcraft were not two or three centuries obsolete!). So, it needs to be fought like you would fight a witch.

Perhaps you could escape her by literally crossing water--moving far away. Even if you don't cross the ocean (although that possibility may exist), a trip of any great distance will take you across rivers and lakes--even if you cross them in an airplane or over a bridge or go around them--so that condition would be met.

Or perhaps you could symbolically burn away her influence on you. How to do that, you have plenty of choice. There are lots of possible ways, you could even make up your own.

Thanks!

Well, I grew up speaking English at home and watching American TV shows, so I can definitely guarantee that most "major" American TV shows are aired in France. Hence, I know Big Bang Theory. I can safely say that Leonard's mother seems like an angel next to mine. I'm not trying to demonize my own mother but I'd rather have Leonard's mother as a mother.

I moved out at 18. I went to college abroad, then worked abroad. I'm 25 now. As I found myself in between jobs, I moved back in with her last July. I'll be moving out rather soon, to go abroad again, so this issue may seem like a non-issue at this stage. However, I really need to find a way to stop her from jinxing every opportunity I have. I don't even have to be in the same location as her for her to jinx my opportunities. A simple conversation on the phone with her and my entire week becomes a mess (true story).

The safe road would be to cut her out for good and never move back in. I'm not planning on ever moving back in but since I'm at a transitional period of my life where my "career" is getting started, I can't predict whether or not I'll be employed for an entire year. It took me 6 months to find a new job for whatever reason, so I'm quite apprehensive as to whether or not I'll ever have to move back in again. I'm really dreading this situation.

I'm a grow woman and I should not move back in every single time I look for a job, but since I've been moving from one country to another, I can only rely on my savings and this is the reason why I always find myself moving back in temporarily.

Even when I was abroad during college, she managed to ruin my experience with her extramarital affair after my father found out about it. They both kept harassing me on the phone, via email and Skype instead of dealing with the matter in private. My dad tried to gain sympathy from me so I could allow him to use my bank balance as he pleased (not his money, mine) and my mother kept blaming me for her "affair" and supposedly making up the whole story. The best years of my life turned into a nightmare.

My father is her minion. He's not intimidated by her. He's scared of "losing her" whether to another man or to her own freedom. Ever since he found out about the affair, he's been clinging onto her like a puppy and says amen to everything she says. When she was emotionally and physically abusing me as a child, he never said anything. He was silent and back then, she wasn't involved in any sort of affair whatsoever. Yet, if someone dares to criticize my other siblings even by saying "oh you're stupid", my father jumps in and stands up for them. Me? No, I'm always the crazy paranoid one who is overly dramatic and had "psychological issues". My father is simply her minion. He does as she says.

I've tried for so long to repair the damage done, even after the abuse, the affair and the trauma but at this stage of my life, it feels like dragging a dead corpse around. I've tried, I failed. I need to accept that unaware people can never change especially if they are experiencing an undiagnosed mental disorder. The best course of action is to cut her out for my own sanity before she sheds my inner work apart. I've been working on creating my own identity for so long now, I can't let her destroy that.
 

LostinPhilly

Well-known member
Hello - and to add a thought:

Sweet Pea brought up the notion of Narcissistic mothers. I've read up on a lot about this and it is a prominent truth that children of Narcissists tend to end up with a host of Narcissistic relationships in their lives.

Narcissistic moms aren't much good with feelings unless they can twist them into their own benefit while downplaying yours, and many a child of a narcissist believes that one day they will have that ideal parent who will respond and nurture and direct their emotional needs to positive places. That is literally impossible for one who's wiring is to triangulate, manipulate or to deviate others' feelings to part of their their own issues or experiences and superiority of grief and guilt.

If you are a fan of the big bang theory - t.v. show - leonard's mom is a great example of a narcissist mother. or maybe watch the little mermaid and the sea witch queen ursula.

When everything revolves around/involves them if it is to be considered real - there is very little room left for other people, even when they convince you that you have a big place in their heart or life.

She likes attention. She wants to be the center of attention.

You are right, everything needs to revolve around her. If no one pays attention to her, it drives her mad.

I noticed she's been acting the same way towards the neighbors. She claims they're bigots who hate her because she isn't white and therefore make tons of noise to annoy her. She claims they're stalking her. One day, she discussed it with my father and almost punched him in the face because he didn't want to believe her. Then, she proceeded to grab a knife and walk towards their house to "kill" the woman next door.
Mind you, the woman next door never spoke to her or saw her face to face. Never. She's an old woman with her husband. Yet, every morning my mother screams in the kitchen: "You're such a racist. Bigot ....blah blah" so that the woman hears her. One day, the woman heard her and retaliated by saying my mother is a "*****". Then my mother took these words and claimed they attacked her. She's delusional. I've often been in the house by myself and I've never heard a single noise coming from that house. Ever. So, my mother is simply trying to trigger a fight with the neighbors, again, to get their attention. My parents moved 6 times because of this so-called issue of hers. Hard to believe her claims are legitimate at this stage.

She tries to get attention from whomever.
 
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