Need advice with family. please. long post.

Feature

Well-known member
it's been a really really long time since i posted and i don't even think i posted much before. (i havent really kept up with astrology for a few years but i still understand basics)

i dont even know if astrology can get insight on these issues or not, i just want some advice from people on the outside. your personal judgment or if you need infos i can add that too but i'm really just looking for/needing input.

long story short, my parents are stuck with an expensive car lease they just signed today (3/28/13). mother doesn't want it and feels she cannot escape the contract so she takes her anger out on my father. is there a way to back out of the lease or trade it in for a car that they can own?

long explanation:

i came home from work today to find my dad asking me my schedule and trying to talk my into trading our old family vehicles in for a new one. weird because we are a family who does not care about looks of a car so long as it runs and gets us from point a to point b. before my father can even explain the situation my mother comes flying out from another room screaming and pointing fingers about a lease. i have no idea what she means but apparently after three years we won't own it. i know that's how leasing works but before i left for work in the morning we didn't have any.

well they went to the car dealership to fix the turn signal lightbulb and somehow ended up trading in a car they just bought to lease a new one. literally, it was less than a month ago they just signed the paperwork to buy a new car. now, the original car was in my mother's name as she is the one with the best credit and also has a job, whereas my father is on a fixed income because he is retired. so, while my mother is screaming and venting anger out on my father and i, i am trying to think of this situation in my head. there is absolutely no way this could have been allowed to happen if she didn't sign the paperwork. she did, but blames my father.

she believes they forced her into it and now she is playing the victim card and not taken responsibility for her own actions.

i tried to sit and chat with her and her explanation of the situation is, while the car was being fixed, they spoke with my father privately and sweet talked him into the newer, more expensive car they will pay for but not own. once the men where done talking they asked her to come in and sign the paperwork, and even though she said "no" several times she eventually caved and signed the paperwork because she didn't want to embarass my father and because she felt pressured. not only did she sign for a more expensive vehicle she had to put 500$ on her credit card in order to do it.

I'm seriously looking at her like she is stupid because quite frankly, she was. I asked her why she didn't just walk out of there instead of doing something she clearly didn;t want to do and her only excuse was "they were still fixing my car, i didn't know where it was. So basically she let them intimidate her and now she is putting all the blame on my dad.

Now I'm caught in the middle. You know I'm not gonna sit here and take sides because I think they were both retarded. My dad is elderly. He was born in 1929 and mom in 1948, so they both get taken advantage of a lot. The only key difference is, mom recognizes when she is being taken advantage of but she is also from another country and doesn't know how to react socially or back out of a situation, so she just goes with the flow until its "too late" then gets upset later.

I put too late in quotations because I don't actually know if it is too late to do something or not. I don't know. I just got home, haven't eaten (and subsequently lost my appetite), haven't changed, haven't even gone to the bathroom to relieve myself, I've been trying to do some online searches about what to do and there's just so much going on and the majority of it is info is not what I need.

First of all, selling the other two old cars we have and getting ANOTHER new vehicle does not solve the issue we have right now, it only makes it worse, but dad seems to think the only issue is having a running vehicle at the end of three years should fix it. Wrong. One is '94 that is beat up badly but still runs from point a to b, and one is a '95 that won't even start up. It will get us nothing and we all know this but he still want to try to sell them and then get another loan (which would have to be in my mother's name again) to get another vehicle just so "we can have something later." This does not fix the problem, it compounds it.

Secondly, my mother is in hysterics and won't stop. She absolutely will not stop, calm down, or try to think things through rationally. Now I don't know anything about cars, but as the deal was made today, my first instinct tells me if you are unhappy with it, just go back to the dealership and try to work something out - it has been within 24 hours afterall. She won't do it, she won't even try anything to "fix" the situation, she basically throws up her arms, screams, calls us names and then gives a heavy sigh before going off on a monologue about how terrible her life is, how much of a good person she is and doesn't deserve this, how foolish my father is and how she is the one who has to carry all the burdens of the family all by herself. Everytime I sit there and just try to WORK something out or be rational she cuts me off and doesn't let me even finish talking. What do I know? I'm just a naive 26 year old who knows nothing of the world. :pouty: I mean I just figure if you go there and try to talk to them, the most they can do is say "No" and you are back to where you started. The best case scenario is they actually feel sorry for what they did and somehow reverse/cancel the lease and let my parents have their other car back they just bought (which they put a down payment of 5,000$+ plus had a loan on). Realistically I doubt that would happen so I'm pretty sure they only way to get out of that is by somehow making it such that the dealership earns more money....like buying a more expensive car.

In any case she doesn't want to do anything but complain and whine and scream. I can't turn my music up loud enough to tune her out.

I know my parents. They are both at fault and both handling the situation poorly. As their child I just want to fix it. I'm supposed to take care of them but neither believe I have the capabilities to and won't even allow me any opportunity to prove them wrong. At least that is what *I* feel like.

I can't fault my mom for getting upset about the situation. It *****, and honestly, with dad's age, it gets rough because a lot of people do take advantage of him and when we point it out he gets defensive. He doesn't like that he can't really act as the family head and leader anymore. He is supposed to be there to protect and provide but he will be 84 this year and he is trying to act like he is 30. His driving is bad, very bad and we have all tried to take the keys from him but he won't give in. He lets his "friends", who are really a lot of business men that act cordial to him for the sake of a sale, talk him into very very bad decisions and when either I or my mother try to reason with him why it's a bad idea, we are told to shut up and don't act rude to other people.

In fact that's how this whole mess started, my old car, the '95, was being taken to a nationwide auto repair store where the mechanics would not fix the problem, charge about 500-900$ per visit, only to have to come back 2 or 3 times in order to "fix it properly" and drop another 100-200$ before it worked right. No matter how many times we kept fighting over this or just sat down and tried to explain how everything looked and then had the numbers and receipts to back everything up, we were just being rude, ignorant people and you just don't talk to others like that.

So I can understand mom being afraid if we went back that we might be swindled again, except I think doing nothing changes nothing. If you want something to change, it's not in your favor to wait for it to happen.

I don't care whose fault it is really. At this time I don't see the point in blaming the salesman for being a dick/doing his job, my father for showing off/being talked into something, or my mother for knowing better and still keeping her mouth shut. It really just doesn't seem like it matters in hindsight, I just want it fixed. I want to know how I can fix it or if I can't, what steps need to be taken to fix it and I'll see that whoever needs to do it, does it. Like I said before neither one of them is handling the situation well.

Mom is off her rocker taking her anger out on my father and me, (verbally aggressive on my father, calling him names, saying he has mental illnesses, guilting him, emasculating him, going so far as to say their marriage was a mistaken and is a burden to her, venting all this so me thinking I'm just going to sit back and agree with everything, then looking down on me for even trying to think of a way to solve all of this, all while not owning up to her own mistakes), dad is sulking and pouting, and trying to come up with way that may appease her but doesn't really fix the situation because he isn't addressing the issue at the core (money and trying to live within his owns means instead of putting everything on credit), while I feel like smashing my face in with a hammer and saying "Here! I killed myself so you guys can collect the insurance and live off that money for a while, no worries now! enjoy!"

(No, I'm not really planning on killing myself, or have suicidal tendencies, in case you are wondering. I'm just tired and stressed so I'm fending off my own anger with sarcasm because they were both idiots and i hate thinking that about my parents because they KNOW better.)

I'm really, really, hoping that I'm just overreacting to this situation and there's a simpler solution to all this that I just have over looked or was unaware of. If anyone can shed a little wisdom on this, please share it.

Leaving them to take care of themselves is a bad answer, btw. I'm the youngest of 4 for my dad and 2 for my mom, and I moved back in with them to help take care of them and also because with my student loans, its impossible to pay for that plus my own bills.
 

Gododdin Votadini

Well-known member
They should legally have 48 hours or something to negate the deal. At least that is how it is in my state. Tell them to go back in the morning and negate the deal, if that is what they want.

I know some car dealerships are very ruthless. I almost punched a guy in the face one time because they kept playing games with me and ignoring what I said. Then they all of a sudden tried to get me to sign paperwork without even telling me what the deal was after they tried to loosen me up with their games.

You could also call a local news channel. Hopefully, there is one in your area that has a watchdog type guy that advocates for consumers.

Oh, yea, they had my car keys because they were inspecting it for a trade in, and they wouldn't give me back my keys and they kept playing games trying to get me to sign the paperwork. I said one last time to give me my keys, and I was one word away from punching the dude in the face.
 
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Gododdin Votadini

Well-known member
have you tried slapping the **** out of your mom? that is what I would recommend.

Seriously, though, it seems you will have to go to the dealership with them tomorrow morning and get them to negate the deal. No negotiations, not questions, you get them to undo the deal null and void. If the salesman try to wiggle and ricky richard you around threaten to call the news team or the police and do it.
 
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tsmall

Premium Member
Wow. Ok, you could try to continue to persuade them to take the car back tomorrow (because that really should be an option) but it sounds like there are deeper issues at work here.

Your post had a lot of details to sort through. So, my first question is this--does having this new car put the family in any kind of financial difficulty? Is the lease affordable? If it is, I understand that the problem is that at the end of the lease terms the car won't be owned by your parents, however most lease agreements come with an option to buy at the end of the lease. Do you have the paperwork, and have you read it completely?

Setting aside this particular issue of the lease, it sounds like you are working with set personalities who aren't likely to respect or necessarily welcome your advice or interference. Are their reactions typical for what you have seen from them in the past? Keep in mind that they have been married for at least 26 years, right? Has your mother behaved this way before? Because what you wrote suggests that this is a patterned way of responding for her. Same for your father. Yet they have managed to make it through more than a quarter of a century together.

The very best advice I ever got about trying to "fix" my parents came from a college French professor (because I had failed to study for an oral quiz due to worrying about my father and his problems) and it was this...adults are responsible for themselves. You can love them but you cannot change them. The best you can do is to understand them, love them for who they are, and live your own life as an adult.

It is very understandable as their child to want to find a way to just make the problem go away and play the mediator. Another good piece of advice I got later in life was this--sometimes people are telling you their problems/issues/complaints not because they want you to fix them, but simply because they just need a sympathetic ear.
 

Feature

Well-known member
I live in SC so I don't know if we get the 48 hour deal but it's worth a shot.

No, I've never slapped my mother, but I did restrain/push her once to stop her from running out of the house and "chasing" one of my friends. My parents are old and frail so I would feel very guilty about raising a hand to them on top of feeling like I am abandoning my duty to them.

The lease on the car right now is such that after three years, mom will have paid a little over 15k into it. In order to buy out the car AFTER that they would need another 18k I think.

The original car that was traded in was something only like 12k and they had a down payment of over 5k (I was at the dealership with them). Mom wanted to pay it off ASAP so she willingly took on higher payments to get the car paid down in about 4 years.

Our family doesn't have financial hardship persay, at least not the way I look at it. There's a lot of less fortunate families, and seeing that both my parents were dirt poor majority of their lives (dad lived through the great depression and WW2 and my mother grew up in a third world country. we also support a handful of relatives that still live in that third world country) we count a lot of our small blessings like being able to pay all our bills on time and saving what we have left over. We live a simple life and are fine with it. However, something like this could EASILY put us in a a very tight situation, and if it's avoidable I would prefer to take that route.

And the selling of the two cars and taking on another car loan....yeah I'm not having it. If I have to I will hide both the titles and keys to each car. Probably not the best solution but it's at least better than the alternative.

My parents have been married for 31 years come this September I believe. My father has always been this way as far as I've known him, though my half sister says this is incorrect and she has known him longer that my mother. My mother has not always behaved this way, not outwardly anyway. Before she used to bottle up everything but now she is just getting really aggressive at a lot of things and it tough to watch. She was always aggressive and distrustful to "outsiders" - anyone not our family like friends (she never had any, I'm speaking of the rest of the family member's friends), coworkers, neighbors, the people who work at the last store were visited, etc. Lately though she lashes out at us. My brother and I can stick up for ourselves just fine but dad usually keeps quite and just accepts "he is a failure".

I can't even begin to describe the mixed emotions i have while i type this. I can't just sit back and watch her blame something she had control of on dad. He may have had influence, but she still needs to take responsibility for her actions instead of laying all the blame on someone else. THAT she does have a pattern of doing for as long as I have known her.

I'm more than aware neither care for my input. They both come from patriarchal backgrounds with rigid seniority "casting". I'm the junior. They are the senior. It's my place to differ. In this instance I simply can't though. He's not using common sense and not taking other people's opinions or feelings seriously (at least the RIGHT people, i.e. his family and not his "friends") and she put herself in a tough spot, then blames it on other people so that she doesn't have to hold herself accountable for her own actions.

As far as I'm concerned I'm the only adult here.

Incredibility arrogant, I know, but believe when I say I've rather just pick my nose and watch youtube videos all day than have to "step up" and take charge. I don't have that luxury though, so it's be to act now and nip this in the bud before it gets to be a real issue.
 
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