Mourning seems to last forever

midnight sun

Well-known member
Hello everyone,

I would like to write about a mourning feeling but I didn't lose anybody in my life.

Briefly, I'm thirty years old, working as a research assistant, writing phd thesis. I’m the only child of my family, I am single, I mostly have friends at work. I was social till I started working but I don’t have much social life. I like to be at home, I like painting, reading, writing at home. I’m using medicine for anxiety and on EMDR work with a psychologist. We are working on my childhood.

My problem is, in the last two years, there is an increasing feeling inside me. Like I lost something. I don’t know what exactly because it differs. Sometimes I feel like I am widow. I am never married but I have a feeling like that. Like I lost my husband and I can’t love anymore. Sometimes I feel like I lost my brother/sister in the past. I don’t have a memory like that, but I was feeling very lonely in my childhood. There is a deep wound inside me, a hole hurts so much. And I feel like I lost something gives me safety, hope, happiness etc. Now I don’t want to do anything. I am 30 but I feel like my life is over, there can’t be anything new and different. So I am in deep mourning depression. I can’ start something new in my life.

I looked at my chart and saw that I have some intense transits. But I don’t feel like they are helping. In contrast, Saturn is starting to conjunct my Uranus and I think that is the reason why I feel so trapped. I like to use art to free my feelings but I am so controlled, I can’t do anything even if I wanted to do so much.

When will this process finish? I don’t know what to do.
 

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waybread

Well-known member
Are you familiar with the Demeter-Persephone (Ceres-Proserpina) mythology? You may find it meaningful now.

Transiting Pluto is hitting your 4 chart angles plus Mercury.

"Mourning" seems like an apt expression for this Roman god of death. Pluto's work is to strip away everything you thought you knew yourself to be. He deals in what is metaphorically dead or dying in your life.

This period will go easier for you if you can help it along in a constructive way. Get rid of anything in your life that does not truly support the emerging you. Old habits, belongings, even relationships. Don't try to hold onto your past-- it won't work and merely makes the Plutonian process more difficult. Pluto strips away whatever is truly not-you, no matter how tightly you try to cling to it.

Pluto is the energy of the Phoenix. There is a new and vibrant you waiting to emerge as the Pluto transit tapers off.
 

midnight sun

Well-known member
Yes I know the myth of Demeter-Persephone and I always feel myself close to Persephone's situation. I feel I am underground for a long time.

But when you get used to living there, it is not easy to get out of there.

But you are right, maybe with Pluto's help, I start to realize the real reasons of my behaviours or the underlying reasons of my feelings. And this is why I am living the mourning now. That is the mourning I didn't live and didn't accept in my childhood, the disappointment about my family, the loss of trust in them. Then till now, I looked for this trust in other people or groups but couldn't find it anywhere. So I am trying to accept that I will never have that trust(a kind of trust only your family can give) in my life, I won't be able to find it. So I'm mourning for my loss, for the empty hole in my soul that feels incomplete.
 

midnight sun

Well-known member
Hello -

Pluto in 1st trine Sun Mars in 9th would be amazing if you really wanted to be in academia.

I like painting, reading, writing at home.

Use that awesome force of Pluto in 1st to do just that - possibly in another land or someplace culturally or world apart from walls with no windows.

Otherwise, you'll probably continue mourning the loss of yourself.

;)

I like travelling:) But as you see, my Sun, Mars, Mercury, all of them are in Cancer. So at the end, I like to be at home. Once I lived in another country for a few months, and I lived crisis of security-emotionally. Being a stranger in somewhere, talking another language all the time(which I can't express my feelings at all with it), living in a different culture makes me feel more lonely at the end. I don't like to be around people so much, I like to work alone.

But I love academic life, I like to find creative, new, unfamiliar areas to study. :smile:
 

Lin

Well-known member
I think there are traumas in your childhood that you don't remember.

Several of your personal planets are in opposition to heavy planets.

And then there is that inconjunct from Uranus to Venus.....and these aspects, when added up, make me believe that there really IS something unremembered that happened.
Perhaps Hyponotherapy would help.

LIN
 

midnight sun

Well-known member
I think there are traumas in your childhood that you don't remember.

Several of your personal planets are in opposition to heavy planets.

And then there is that inconjunct from Uranus to Venus.....and these aspects, when added up, make me believe that there really IS something unremembered that happened.
Perhaps Hyponotherapy would help.

LIN

Yes there are. I know them since 2008 and I try several healing methods and therapies but at the end I decided I have to leave them to time. There is nothing I can do for something I can't remember.

The main problem in my life is there is never any support near me. I mean my family or my friends don't support me in this journey so I am alone with the feelings of abuse. I don't have any strength to work with them by myself. I accepted many things, the love problems, as my chart shows, I am just having a mourning time for them. This is the mourning comes after the acceptance.
 
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