Jokes, one-liners

ScorpioCrow

Well-known member
Just wanted to brighten everyone's day a little bit with some Capricorn-rising wit and humor.

You don't know s**t till you've worked as an outhouse cleaner. (Made this one up myself)

Fred: I know a guy with a wooden leg named Sam.
Ted: Cool. What's the name of his other leg?

Acne-afflicted person: My face is so oily, I don't know whether to wash it or frack it!
 

Tessie

Banned
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
 

ScorpioCrow

Well-known member
My parents work in the iron and steel industries. My mother irons, my father steels.

Doctor: I've got bad news... you have cancer and Alzheimer's.
Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.

Yo mama's so hairy when she had you, you came out with rug burns.
Yo mama's so poor she drives a peanut.
 

ScorpioCrow

Well-known member
How many ____ does it take to ***** in a light bulb?

-Aries: One, but you'd better get the hell out of the way!

-Taurus: None. Taureans can't change.

-Gemini: Two.

-Cancer: One, but she'll really miss the old one...

-Leo: One, plus a hallelujah chorus.

-Virgo: One to take it out, one to check the wiring, one to put the new one in, one to clean up the mess... and one to say they didn't do it right. (My Virgo Sun (+ Uranus-Pluto-Mercury stellium!) mother does this all. the. time.)

-Libra: One to do it and one not to do it.

-Scorpio: None. They like the dark. OR Two, but how did they get in there?!

-Sagittarius:

-Capricorn: None, they prefer oil lamps.

-Aquarius: One, but he'll have to do it with the very latest technology.

-Pisces: (my personal favorite, as it describes me to a T) The light went out?!

-Therapists: One, but the bulb really has to want to change.

-Optimists: None. The bulb will come back on on its own.

-Pessimists: None. The new bulb will burn out soon enough.

-Astrologers: Hold on, let me check the current transits to see if it's a good time to change the bulb...

-Teenage boys: One to knock the old one out with a baseball bat, one to step on the broken pieces and need to go to the ER, one to laugh at that one, one to slam-dunk the remains of the bulb into the trash can, and one to look for bigger bulbs...and possibly yet another to say "That's what she said".

-Deadheads: Over 100,000. 5,000 to ignore the brand new bulbs, 5,000 more to follow the old burned-out bulb all over the world, 20,000 bootleg bulb dealers, and 70,000 to say they made the bulbs so much better back in the day.
 

ScorpioCrow

Well-known member
How many ____ does it take to ***** in a light bulb?

-Aries: One, but you'd better get the hell out of the way!

-Taurus: None. Taureans can't change.

-Gemini: Two.

-Cancer: One, but she'll really miss the old one...

-Leo: One, plus a hallelujah chorus.

-Virgo: One to take it out, one to check the wiring, one to put the new one in, one to clean up the mess... and one to say they didn't do it right. (My Virgo Sun (+ Uranus-Pluto-Mercury stellium!) mother does this all. the. time.)

-Libra: One to do it and one not to do it.

-Scorpio: None. They like the dark. OR Two, but how did they get in there?!

-Sagittarius:

-Capricorn: None, they prefer oil lamps.

-Aquarius: One, but he'll have to do it with the very latest technology.

-Pisces: (my personal favorite, as it describes me to a T) The light went out?!

-Therapists: One, but the bulb really has to want to change.

-Optimists: None. The bulb will come back on on its own.

-Pessimists: None. The new bulb will burn out soon enough.

-Astrologers: Hold on, let me check the current transits to see if it's a good time to change the bulb...

-Teenage boys: One to knock the old one out with a baseball bat, one to step on the broken pieces and need to go to the ER, one to laugh at that one, one to slam-dunk the remains of the bulb into the trash can, and one to look for bigger bulbs...and possibly yet another to say "That's what she said".

-Deadheads: Over 100,000. 5,000 to ignore the brand new bulbs, 5,000 more to follow the old burned-out bulb all over the world, 20,000 bootleg bulb dealers, and 70,000 to say they made the bulbs so much better back in the day.
 

conspiracy theorist

Well-known member
How many ____ does it take to ***** in a light bulb?

-Aries: One, but you'd better get the hell out of the way!

-Taurus: None. Taureans can't change.

-Gemini: Two.

-Cancer: One, but she'll really miss the old one...

-Leo: One, plus a hallelujah chorus.

-Virgo: One to take it out, one to check the wiring, one to put the new one in, one to clean up the mess... and one to say they didn't do it right. (My Virgo Sun (+ Uranus-Pluto-Mercury stellium!) mother does this all. the. time.)

-Libra: One to do it and one not to do it.

-Scorpio: None. They like the dark. OR Two, but how did they get in there?!

-Sagittarius:

-Capricorn: None, they prefer oil lamps.

-Aquarius: One, but he'll have to do it with the very latest technology.

-Pisces: (my personal favorite, as it describes me to a T) The light went out?!

Why are sagittarius such lazy bums
 

Blaze

Well-known member
spent the entire day making a belt out of watches. it was a waist of time :w00t:

:w00t::w00t::w00t::w00t::w00t::w00t::w00t:

......
.........

:lol:

I'm one of the few who enjoy puns...


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