It just seems like life is not progressing for me and I just want peace.

valuhz

Well-known member
Since I was a child, i was bullied for my appearance which made me super insecure and then as i entered high school i started getting more heated arguments with my dad (both of us have explosive temper), my parents are very nit-picky, they’ll criticize everything that’s not normal to them example im super skinny and they tell me that or like they point out my flaws and then my insecurity starts. Because of them and their judge mental nature, I started developing social anxiety & ocd which I still have right now and it’s tearing me apart. I just feel like i can’t function as a human anymore, I stutter in my daily life as well and my parents make fun of that as well. I told them about my ocd and i wanted to seek a therapist but my parents said there was no such thing as that, I really can’t take it anymore. Idk why I feel like i’m the most boring person, my friends which are usually just people who i talk to but we never go out together or anything like that and then they stop talking to me its like i can make friends very easily but then i end up not talking to them because i’m afraid they’ll get annoyed of me. Not just this but i have come to a point where i am so pessimistic that I just have no motivation for anything, I envy one of my friends who is a very sociable extrovert who is very funny and I get insecure around her a lot because to me, she’s well liked by everyone and people initiate conversations with her. I also never really had good friends in my life, it’s either most of them were just friends of friends or just major assholes. I’m also failing a lot of my exams because of my ocd and right now i’m so tired and i’m asking myself when i’ll be able to finally break free from all these torture… I really think i can’t live anymore, I am not great myself, i have many disorders and i have a slow mind, my own friends are always rude bitches or they always ignore my existence, my parents especially my father i am so emotionally distant with him because of so many quarrels i had but he has a fragile ego and that needs to be humbled, my love experience hasn’t been great either; i just feel like i’m being delusional of thinking that others like me when in reality they dont im so depressed nothing is working out for me like in every aspect family, education, mental health, friendships nothing is good for me and im tired when is it going to stop

Chart; https://postimg.cc/0bBwQSZ3
 

uranianplutonian

Well-known member
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time and that your support system isn’t supporting, and hasn’t supported you the way that you need.

I would say that getting away from your parents is crucial for your mental health. I’m not sure where you’re at in your life, but from your outer planet placements it seems like you may be younger - teens/late teens?

Know that there’s nothing wrong with you. If anything is wrong, it’s your environment - it doesn’t support you, nurture you, or help you grow - which is not your fault. It sounds like your parents are projecting their own insecurities and self-hatred onto you, which is not okay. Your explosive anger is telling you that your boundaries are being crossed, and it’s okay to feel angry and to defend yourself.

I feel like the main thing is to plan a way out and away from them, imagine a life you want to live and people you want around and try to focus on these as much as possible, while working towards (whether that means studying, etc.) a goal of freedom from them and a life you desire. Equally important, a solid and caring support system is important too. Does your school have a counsellor or anyone you can go to for guidance? They could be very helpful in terms of giving you more time on tests to accommodate for anxiety and OCD, and also in supporting you emotionally and/or giving you resources to find emotional support.

Also, in terms of self-esteem, it could be helpful to reflect on things you’ve achieved or that you’re good at. If you don’t have any hobbies, then finding some could be very beneficial - you could occupy your time with them and have an excuse to get out of your environment to pursue some of these hobbies. I’m sure that you are good at things and have had achievements (achievements can be anything), but your mind is filled with your parents negativity…

Could you join a club at school or something to take you away from your environment until you can get out? Maybe you could meet new friends this way and then have something in common to keep you together.

I didn’t like my environment growing up, and in order to get out I went to university 5-6 hours away and used student loans to help pay for school and living costs. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. It doesn’t have to be university though, college is just as good and if anything better right now (due to the blue collared jobs being in high demand).

Easier said than done, but try not to compare yourself to others. It’s rarely ever as good as it seems - we only see people’s outer experiences and a limited amount since we aren’t always around them. Your social friend could have a lot she isn’t happy about, but that she hides out of shame. It’s best to just see everyone as unique and to know that we all have different strengths and weaknesses. If everyone had the same strengths and weaknesses, the world would fail - we need people who are strong in different areas for society to function.

There’s no simple solution. But, for now, I feel like planning how you’ll get out and stay out of your environment, and then getting a support system in place from your school will help. Maybe the latter first and then the former.

You are very strong for reaching out to a community for help. It takes a lot of courage.

I know you posted your chart, but I wanted to address this first. It will get better in time!

I’m going to look at your chart in a moment.
 

uranianplutonian

Well-known member
Looking at your chart, I can see you have some difficult placements. Don’t let this discourage you though. From what I’ve read and heard other Astrologers say, advanced souls choose difficult placements to help the soul achieve as much growth as possible in a lifetime. We obtain the most growth through challenges and hardships.

I see your natal Moon conjunct natal Saturn in your 6th house. This placement is difficult on emotions - Saturn tends to depress the Moon, and the 6th house depletes planets placed within it. Saturn doesn’t like being in Cancer either because it’s in its detriment. That said, you have help from the benefic Jupiter with the quintile aspect it makes to your Moon and Saturn.

I see creative potential and spiritualism in your chart with Neptune in your first house and the stellium in your 8th house. Mars likes being in the 8th house since it’s in its own house (some Astrologers would disagree). With the Sun conjunct Mars in the 8th house, I see courage, strength, and a lot of potential overall in 8th house matters - research, science, occultism, and/or finance.

The square between your natal Sun and Pluto in the 11th house could create power struggles with friends. I sense these struggles could come up through shared finances like lending money to friends and/or vice versa, or through negative Scorpio traits like jealousy, control, and possessiveness. I’d say avoid lending money and/or borrowing money with friends, if ever a scenario like this comes up. When choosing friends, I feel like it’s best to pick friends who are spiritual and appreciate the deeper things in life, otherwise there could be disappointment with friends from what I’m seeing.

It seems like your 6th house placement of the Moon and Saturn will require care and work to maintain, but it will be worth it.

I sense a bit of envy from your parents with your 4th house ruler (Mars) in the 8th house square natal Pluto in the 11th house (of hopes and dreams). I can see the critical nature of your environment too with Mars in Virgo in the 8th house.

With your North Node in the 4th house, emotional safety is important. The ruler of your 4th house is sesquiquadrate your North Node, so the goal to achieve emotional safety will be a challenge while being in an environment that provides no emotional safety.

With Neptune in your first, you’re more impressionable and vulnerable to psychic influence(s). It’s best to avoid alcohol and drugs because they can make you even more vulnerable to outside influences.

There are definitely some hard placements in your chart, but there are also ~good placements that have a lot of potential once you work through your difficult placements - like finding people you feel emotionally safe around and a home environment you feel emotionally safe in.

Also, not to scare you or anything, but from what I’ve observed, suicidal thoughts can be a form of psychic attack from lower vibrational entities. These thoughts are very dark and they try to seduce you into harming yourself. They attach to negative emotions like anger and resentment. Don’t give into them.


I hope this helps. :smile:
 

IleneK

Premium Member
Hello, dear valuhz.
Your natal chart illustrates the suffering you are experiencing in your life. Using whole sign houses, you have Chiron, the wounded healer, rising on the 1st whole sign house, so highly influential. And Chiron is opposed by a finely sensitive dignified Moon right next to a challenging Saturn, which is in the sign of its detriment, so not operating at its best.
And yet, and yet, what you are experiencing, as painful as it is, is not the only manifestation of these combined archetypal energies. As we live our lives, and seek counsel and support where they are available, these archetypal energies show themselves in different and fuller ways. So this is to say that things will not always be and feel as they are. They will evolve and change as you move more through the world.
And the truth of what I see for you in your life, as you move into greater maturity, and with some greater patience for external circumstances that you cannot control and with compassion toward and faith in yourself, is that you may become a teacher and a healer of those who experience what you have known these years. That you can make a difference for others, maybe a difference for others who are challenged just as you are right now.
This vision I see for you is your natal chart signature, a configuration comprised of rising Chrion opposing Moon Saturn and also trining Sun Mars Jup in the healing sign of Virgo in the whole sign 9th. And Sun Mars Jup complete the signature with their sextile to Moon Saturn.
And I agree with Samantha that seeking out counsel and external support by whatever means you have available may be of great value to you.
I am truly, truly wishing you well.
 

Kite

Well-known member
Moon/Saturn conjunction in Cancer on your Descendant can make you feel very fragile and since Saturn rules your 1st house of appearance - very sensitive to what others think of you in that area. Chiron there also reinforces the deep wounding you feel in that regard. The ruler of your 12th house, Jupiter is its exile in Virgo which also feeds this self-critical emphasis you have and the feeling of being lost and alone. So this is the karma you are working though - to find your own inner love for yourself without judgement so you can crawl out of your Cancerian shell and enjoy what life has to offer you - which you will find more of as you develop that strong belief that you deserve the best out of life. It has to come from within and then you'll see it mirrored externally. Trust me on that.
 

valuhz

Well-known member
Moon/Saturn conjunction in Cancer on your Descendant can make you feel very fragile and since Saturn rules your 1st house of appearance - very sensitive to what others think of you in that area. Chiron there also reinforces the deep wounding you feel in that regard. The ruler of your 12th house, Jupiter is its exile in Virgo which also feeds this self-critical emphasis you have and the feeling of being lost and alone. So this is the karma you are working though - to find your own inner love for yourself without judgement so you can crawl out of your Cancerian shell and enjoy what life has to offer you - which you will find more of as you develop that strong belief that you deserve the best out of life. It has to come from within and then you'll see it mirrored externally. Trust me on that.
It’s super hard when being criticized by friends family. No one likes to talk to me. I have ocd, stuttering and depression and it just sucks how i’m losing hope in life every day. My final exam is coming up and i haven’t studied yet because if this ocd.
 

Kite

Well-known member
It’s super hard when being criticized by friends family. No one likes to talk to me. I have ocd, stuttering and depression and it just sucks how i’m losing hope in life every day. My final exam is coming up and i haven’t studied yet because if this ocd.
You're 17 years old. When I was your age, I was coming out of a psych hospital after an attempted suicide attempt. These are tough years. Do you know that our current president grew up with a severe stuttering problem? He overcame it - with help. OCD is another disorder that can be overcome - with help. I don't know where you live but perhaps your high school counselor could hook you up with a social worker or someone that can help convince your parents to help you get the support you need to deal with your challenges. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it's very difficult to be isolated with the stress you're dealing with. Perhaps some meditation could help you to calm yourself. There is a plenty to help you there online. There are also online support groups with people dealing with similar issues you could learn from. It's a good possibility that you could benefit from a mild anti-depressant that could help with both the OCD, and the anxiety/depression you're dealing with. Surround yourself - some way -with some cheerleaders to help you get through this period of your life. You will get through it if you decide that life is worth living - even if you don't see any light right now.
 

JUPITERASC

Well-known member
Since I was a child, i was bullied for my appearance which made me super insecure and then as i entered high school i started getting more heated arguments with my dad (both of us have explosive temper), my parents are very nit-picky, they’ll criticize everything that’s not normal to them example im super skinny and they tell me that or like they point out my flaws and then my insecurity starts. Because of them and their judge mental nature, I started developing social anxiety & ocd which I still have right now and it’s tearing me apart. I just feel like i can’t function as a human anymore, I stutter in my daily life as well and my parents make fun of that as well. I told them about my ocd and i wanted to seek a therapist but my parents said there was no such thing as that, I really can’t take it anymore. Idk why I feel like i’m the most boring person, my friends which are usually just people who i talk to but we never go out together or anything like that and then they stop talking to me its like i can make friends very easily but then i end up not talking to them because i’m afraid they’ll get annoyed of me.
natal ascendant ruler SATURN opposes ascendant
Not just this but i have come to a point where i am so pessimistic that I just have no motivation for anything, I envy one of my friends who is a very sociable extrovert who is very funny and I get insecure around her a lot because to me, she’s well liked by everyone and people initiate conversations with her. I also never really had good friends in my life, it’s either most of them were just friends of friends or just major assholes.
natal SATURN is in the Moons domicile, CANCER
I’m also failing a lot of my exams because of my ocd and right now i’m so tired and i’m asking myself when i’ll be able to finally break free from all these torture… I really think i can’t live anymore, I am not great myself, i have many disorders and i have a slow mind, my own friends are always rude bitches or they always ignore my existence,
3rd house ruler JUPITER aspects natal MOON-SATURN conjunction
my parents especially my father i am so emotionally distant with him because of so many quarrels i had but he has a fragile ego and that needs to be humbled, my love experience hasn’t been great either; i just feel like i’m being delusional of thinking that others like me when in reality they dont im so depressed nothing is working out for me like in every aspect family, education, mental health, friendships nothing is good for me and im tired when is it going to stop

Chart; https://postimg.cc/0bBwQSZ3
natal MOON-SATURN conjunction, very challenging
You're 17 years old. When I was your age, I was coming out of a psych hospital after an attempted suicide attempt. These are tough years. Do you know that our current president grew up with a severe stuttering problem? He overcame it - with help. OCD is another disorder that can be overcome - with help. I don't know where you live but perhaps your high school counselor could hook you up with a social worker or someone that can help convince your parents to help you get the support you need to deal with your challenges. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it's very difficult to be isolated with the stress you're dealing with.
Perhaps some meditation could help you to calm yourself. There is a plenty to help you there online.
definitely worth exploring
There are also online support groups with people dealing with similar issues you could learn from. It's a good possibility that you could benefit from a mild anti-depressant that could help with both the OCD, and the anxiety/depression you're dealing with. Surround yourself - some way -with some cheerleaders to help you get through this period of your life. You will get through it if you decide that life is worth living - even if you don't see any light right now.
 
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