I think I don't actually feel my Aquarius moon that strongly. Moon in Aquarius is often described as detached and humanitarian, I'm anything but that. I strongly identify with what I feel and what I believe in, it's hard for me to understand a "detached" perspective on something. My feelings, my opinions make up who I am. I also don't feel any kind of humanitarian spirit in me, I believe people should care about their own family, children, and friends before humanity at large. One who cares for humanity at large at the expense of people in intimate relationships with them is not someone I would admire.
I think when I was a teenager Moon in Aquarius manifested more strongly in me as I was very intellectual and high strung, I loved ideas. I was a rebel, I didn't believe in many social customs, like why do things have to be the way they are just because of tradition. I was a rebel, but one without a cause. I wanted to be free but I wasn't sure what real freedom meant. Now I feel differently. Now I am much more orientated towards feelings and relationships rather than intellect and ideas.
I think even when I was a teenager and being the much more intellectual person than I am now, my so-called ideas weren't original after all, and that even during that phase I realized my rational analyses of things were in fact, emotionally driven tirades about how I wanted things to be, not true freedom for humanity. Beneath that intellectual surface was a deeply idealistic, traditional, and conservative core. I very much believed in traditional values such as marriage for life, family, and had overall conservative leanings when it came to morals. I was, in no sense, a Uranus person at the core.
I do appreciate someone I can have conversations with, but that's not enough. What matters to me even more are compatible morals and values. I'm very aware of the fact that someone whom I can have many stimulating conversations with may have much more Bohemian views about love and marriage that aren't compatible with my traditional, exclusive view. I also don't quite understand what it means to intellectualize a relationship.
Deep down I am insecure and I know I need to be protected and looked after, and in return I also like to show that I care through practical acts of love rather than being all showy. Having said this, I've written long letters to crushes before rather than walking up to them and telling them I like them. All in all my approach is very indirect, hoping the other person "gets" me.
I can get very clingy and needy, and I think being clingy / needy / possessive is necessary. Unfortunately I have fallen for women who seemed ever more distant from me, the more I tried to stay in touch with them. Now the kind of woman that would be a nightmare for me is the kind that's not only unable to give me the security and love that I need, but someone who approaches me and drains me with an ulterior motive of some kind (could be money). I am soft at heart and I have been targeted by scammers / emotional vampires before. And I tell you, it took a while to even sever those ties but once I did there was no looking back as I knew they weren't into me because of me.
I don't know what you make of my Venus in 60 degree aspect to Saturn, and the fact that Moon, Venus, and Mars are all in earth houses. The older I get, the more well-adjusted I become, the less "airy" I feel. The Cancer and Capricorn (Sun, Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn) are taking over. I do have trouble expressing emotions a lot of times likely due to the Venus-Saturn, Sun-Saturn and Mercury-Saturn, I prefer to DO things, and I honestly feel useless when the other person in a relationship doesn't want / need me to do anything for them and won't share their feelings with me.
I am most attracted to strong yet nurturing women who encourage me to be more open, to talk and share about my feelings and my views on things (and trust me they're always clouded by feelings). They're the gals who are strong, go-getters to a degree, but deep down they like to nurture and be nurtured. I'm not really into the typical damsel-in-distress but I'm also not into the kind of woman who makes me feel useless by rejecting my nurturing, no matter how intelligent she may be. I feel a woman who doesn't want to be taken care of, who IS really of a free, independent, and somewhat detached spirit (and who isn't very caring / considerate towards me) is the antithesis of what I want. I don't understand how a relationship can proceed without care and nurturing, because I don't see how it can exist on a purely "mental" level. I'm not some great thinker or philosopher, I am a normal dude with normal needs.
To better elaborate on my guilt, I believe it doesn't come with any quotation marks. That would be like understating it. When I was a teenager, 18-19, I had two girlfriends who are now my exes. One was 6 years older than me, one was a year younger than me. Younger girl was one I had known since we were kids. I was technically in a serious relationship with the older girl (though 1/2 of it was long distance), but the younger girl and I kept talking to each other. The younger girl and I are from the same city. Eventually I realized I had to stay loyal to the older girl who was technically my girlfriend, so I sort of ghosted on the younger girl as I knew no other way to process my complex emotions. However, that summer when I went back to my hometown for the summer holiday (and younger girl was there too) we saw each other and made out with each other. She confessed she loved me, and deep down I knew I had feelings for her, but I was in a real-life "Norwegian Wood" kind of scenario where I saw good qualities in both girls. One was older, more mature, stable and consistent though we had less on a mental level. The other, the younger girl, was also really into me and we had more in common on a mental level, but I sort of had to keep a bit of distance from her as her mom and my mom were like best friends and according to my mom, my mom found out some secrets about me that I didn't want to share because in the past the younger girl wasn't very careful with her words.
There was a fundamental lack of trust (that turned out to be unfounded suspicion), but feelings for both. I was indecisive, didn't know what to do. I tried very hard to remain completely loyal to the older girl, but even then there were compatibility issues stemming from both sides. We were both in troubled phases of our lives and not sure what we really wanted. On top of this indecisiveness when it came to girls, I was also battling mental trauma originating from family issues and self-esteem issues. I felt trapped in the life I had at the time. To seek a sense of novelty, I chatted to different kinds of girls, some of which were from other countries such as Viet Nam and the Philippines. Of course, I was in no realistic position, whether practically or in terms of cultural understanding, to go abroad. I also had a one-sided infatuation with one of those girls from Viet Nam who was clearly of the loose kind.
Overall, my life was in one big mess that meant I was in NO position whatsoever to be with someone. However, I wasted the time of two women who were into me and I wasted so much of my own time that could have been in a more pure state of mind. I feel guilty because these two girls were with me when I was at my worst, and I find it hard to forget the fact that I was a hypocrite who ruined the image of the perfect me in love, as the good guy who's loyal and committed. It's been 3 years and it still lingers on my mind. I'm now in a much better position emotionally and psychologically to be with someone, and I do want to get married in the next few years, but I still can't entirely forgive myself.
On a concluding note for this reply, with some reflection on the past, I realized that my period of obsession with intellect were walls of coldness and conceit that I had constructed for myself, to hide the feelings of pain and sadness and past trauma I held within myself. On the surface it was coolness, but within me I was feeling lots of sadness and depression that I really wanted to share, but obviously I couldn't share with everyone. I also have some anger issues that are especially evident when I'm tired and stressed, and again they're me venting feelings disguised as "rational" attempts at fixing things but the way I want them to be.
As for freedom / independence I do need some time to "retreat", but it's all for the purpose of finding some calm so I can re-engage in a better position to be with the other person, to listen to them, to nurture them better.
If I had to sum up the kind of person I'm into using simple language, it would be: Someone who puts up an illusion of independence and can hold their own to an extent, but deep down wants to nurture and be nurtured, and reciprocates to my Cancer very well.
If I had to sum up the kind of person I am myself, it would be: Someone who appears to be smart but isn't as smart as he seems. Someone who appears to be carefree and looks / sounds as if he can do it all, but is in fact very clingy, insecure, and needs reassurance all the time.
On a side note I am INFP on the Myers Briggs.
One of my male relatives (for privacy purposes I won't reveal too much personal information about him) is a Cancer / Leo cusp born on July 22nd (Sun at 28-29 degrees Cancer) who has both Sun and Venus in Cancer and Mercury in Leo, Moon in Cancer / Leo. He's quite a player and prefers younger, often significantly younger women and I've seen some of them. His wife's many years younger than him and they have a son, but he's a terrible husband and father. I suspect it could be Venus-Jupiter (not sure about his time of birth), Mars and Jupiter in hard aspect. He has this seemingly unending appetite for women even when they're clearly using him. He's also a drunkard.
Every time I look at the way he behaves I wonder where the hell is his Cancer (maybe his moodiness, but nothing else).
