I don't know what's wrong with me. Help

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Nickidan

Well-known member
I don't know what's wrong with me. Help

I've been extremely sad for the past two days, which is really a reflection of the last four years. I don't want to dwell into much details on this but I've had depression for the last 4 years. I thought it was getting better and I have been feeling better since the summer time. But now I am back to this familiar feeling, yet again. For the past months I had a lot going on for me. I lived in Paris for 4 months and got to travel to Italy, Germany and England. I felt refreshed, upbeat, and generally happy/optimistic. I still had my problems but they didn't bother me as much. Even when I got home to the states, I had a new, fresher, vibrant perspective, but I am faced with reality, that includes poverty, career/finding a job, dealing with friends and family. Problems that cause me to alienate myself from others and retreat into my laptop to try to forget. Direct problems include:

1. my inability to talk comfortably, honestly and openly about my deepest feelings (I am a Scorpio moon by the way). I can't talk to my family or even my best friend.
2 the perception that no one really cares about me and my feelings. The casual how you doing? hurts me, it tears my heart because if only it was that simple. I can't answer that question honestly because it will turn into a speech.
3. That I feel so misunderstood and one of my close friends has/is ignoring me. She understands me more than my best friend. But she's never around and we haven't spoken in a while.
4. my inability to relate to others in the way I want to. and the fact that I continue to beat myself up about that. I can't get too close even if I wanted to. It's not that I am necessarily bad at attracting friends (Leo Ascendant), its the keeping them that I struggle with. I know to be close to someone you have to go through the superficial to get to the deep stuff, but I want to skip that root.
Its too hard to explain, unless you ask me specifically about it :) Anyway here are my planets and houses and my natal chart drawing. Please help!!!

Sun: 01 degrees Aries Aspects: Sun Semisquare Saturn, Sun Sesquiquadrate Moon

Asc: 23 degrees Leo Jupiter in Ascendant

Moon: 11 degrees Scorpio Aspects: Moon Square Saturn, Moon Trine Venus, Moon Sextile Jupiter, Moon Sextile Uranus, Moon Sextile Neptune

Mer: 9 degrees Aries Retrograde, Aspects: Mercury Semisquare Mars, Mercury Sextile Saturn, Mercury Sesquiquadrate Pluto

Venus: 9 degrees Pisces Aspects: Venus Opposite Jupiter

Mars: 25 degrees Aquarius Aspects: Mars Square Pluto

Jupiter: 6 degrees Virgo, Retrograde

Houses

1st House: 23 degrees Leo, Jupiter in the 1st House
2nd House: 16 degrees Virgo
3rd House: 13 degrees Libra, Moon in the 3rd House
4th House: 16 degrees Scorpio, Pluto in the 4th House
5th House: 22 degrees Sagitaurius: Neptune in the 5th House, Uranus in the 5th House, Asc Node in Capricorn
6th House: 25 degrees Capricorn: Saturn in the 6th House, Lilith in Aquarius
7th House: 23 degrees Aquarius: Mars in the 7th house Venus in the 7th House
8th House: 16 degrees Pisces: Sun in the 8th House Mercury in the 8th House, Juno in the 8th House
9th House 13 degrees Aries
10th House 16 degrees Taurus
11th House 22 degrees Gemini
12th House 25 degrees Cancer

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SunW

Well-known member
Was your father physically present in your life?


As far as I get it, your Sun doesn't have any major aspects.

It will be easier if you upload your natal chart. You can erase your birth data if you want.
 
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Nickidan

Well-known member
I'm not sure, but I don't think so. I have attached my natal chart onto the thread. It should be 2 images/attachments. All the information is correct.
 
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mutableflame

Well-known member
So in general you're looking for a way to be happy?

Perhaps some of the issues lie with your fixed positions one of which being a Scorpio Moon. Makes it hard for you to shake yourself out of a funk like a typical Aries. There also seems be a good deal of repressed aggression, perhaps even directed toward yourself. Things you dwell and brood over inside yourself. In a nut shell, baggage.

You may have confusing expectations for others and life in general. The desire for attention and social gratification, yet a need for something more penetrative, a need for depth of understanding. When one is fulfilled the other is in deficit. Perhaps redirecting your expectations for others is key. Understanding what you want (Leo) and deeply understanding the gritty of why you want it (Scorpio) is critical to gain conscious control of your perspectives. Perhaps one side saying "Yes! More!", another recoiling, doing what it can to isolate itself saying "You don't REALLY UNDERSTAND in the ways I WANT you to! I feel so unseen!" Find a way for both aspects to be understood and fulfilled in your life, even though I'm sure Scorpio will fight not to "give up the ghost"/change what it has become comfortable/familiar doing.

One thing that your emotional tendencies need to take to heart is: Ultimately happiness is a choice. From the sound of your vacation you have much to be grateful for despite this rut you may find yourself in. You alone are responsible for understanding how to be provide yourself with happiness. Vacations are nice, but may only provide an escapist's reprieve instead of being the catalyst for genuine inner transformation. Which I feel is what a side of yourself is desperately searching for.
 
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Nickidan

Well-known member
@SunW: how did you get to that conclusion that I have issues with my dad? can you walk it through with me? Does this show up in my chart? In what ways? I honestly don't think I have serious issues with my father. Can you explain to me?
 
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Nickidan

Well-known member
@mutableflame: This quite a profound, interesting and mostly accurate statement. I am looking for a way to be happy, but I want to please all my planets and keep them all satisfy which is tricky if not impossible. I feel like sometimes my moon is attacking me. If not that my mars square pluto. I am not an angry person but I do have aggression and repressed aggression that my Mars in Aquarius doesn't seem to care about. I don't necessarily have a desire for attention and social gratification but a desire to be myself in the best way possible. The constant holding back feelings and opinions with others is annoying. Just want to be like my younger self with no care in the world. It wasn't necessarily a vacation, more like a series of travels that were both an escapist reprieve and genuine inner transformation. I think it was more genuine inner transformation. It taught me a lot but I feel like these lessons will be unlearned, forgotten or taken for granted due to my environment. Anyway thanks!

mutableflame said:
So in general you're looking for a way to be happy?

Perhaps some of the issues lie with your fixed positions one of which being a Scorpio Moon. Makes it hard for you to shake yourself out of a funk like a typical Aries. There also seems be a good deal of repressed aggression, perhaps even directed toward yourself. Things you dwell and brood over inside yourself. In a nut shell, baggage.


You may have confusing expectations for others and life in general. The desire for attention and social gratification, yet a need for something more penetrative, a need for depth of understanding. When one is fulfilled the other is in deficit. Perhaps redirecting your expectations for others is key. Understanding what you want (Leo) and deeply understanding the gritty of why you want it (Scorpio) is critical to gain conscious control of your perspectives. Perhaps one side saying "Yes! More!", another recoiling, doing what it can to isolate itself saying "You don't REALLY UNDERSTAND in the ways I WANT you to! I feel so unseen!" Find a way for both aspects to be understood and fulfilled in your life, even though I'm sure Scorpio will fight not to "give up the ghost"/change what it has become comfortable/familiar doing.

One thing that your emotional tendencies need to take to heart is: Ultimately happiness is a choice. From the sound of your vacation you have much to be grateful for despite this rut you may find yourself in. You alone are responsible for understanding how to be provide yourself with happiness. Vacations are nice, but may only provide an escapist's reprieve instead of being the catalyst for genuine inner transformation. Which I feel is what a side of yourself is desperately searching for.
Click to expand...
 
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greybeard

Well-known member
Nickidan said:
I don't know what's wrong with me. Help
Click to expand...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses, and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Only Humpty can do that.

You can neither find yourself nor lose yourself by traveling around
(Which I suspect may be a projection of your search for yourself.)
Been there done that...and discovered that I went with me wherever I went.

I haven't looked at your chart, but noticed you have Pluto in Scorpio. You are very young, wet behind the ears.

Give it some time.

The world doesn't care about you. It is indifferent. That's just the way it is.
You are one among 7 billion. You are replaceable.

You have only two possible choices. You can choose to live in this world, in which case you will have to accept it as it is. Or you can end it all.

If you choose to continue living the adventure, then you are forced to live with you, and that is the rub.

Every life is an epic saga. It is full of struggle, tears, failures, broken dreams, lost loves.... It is not what happens to you that matters. It is what you do with it.

Life is very much a matter of how you choose to look at it. By changing your point of view you change your life, with very little effort.

Surrender is very powerful. To let go of something requires only that you relax your grip. Out of fear we often will not let go. Are you perhaps hanging on to what would better be released?

Nobody can help you but you. You're on your own. And that is as it should be, and must be.

Thirty years ago, when I was in my early 40s, I stood on a hot city sidewalk. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And I had just discovered that no one was going to help me. I had run out of options. Either I had to heal myself, or face utter defeat. I figured out (brilliant man that I am) that if I didn't at least try, no matter how hopeless it seemed, no matter how high the likelihood of failure, I would certainly fail.
 
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Nickidan

Well-known member
greybeard said:
You can neither find yourself nor lose yourself by traveling around
(Which I suspect may be a projection of your search for yourself.)

Been there done that...and discovered that I went with me wherever I went.

"I haven't looked at your chart, but noticed you have Pluto in Scorpio. You are very young, wet behind the ears."

"You are one among 7 billion. You are replaceable."
Click to expand...


I somewhat agree with what you are saying and somewhat don't. Here are the points I don't agree with:

You can neither find yourself nor lose yourself by traveling around
(Which I suspect may be a projection of your search for yourself.)

Travel has helped me, for me travel wasn't about me finding myself but uncovering a different side of me that was there all along. Being somewhere else made me realize this. Travel to me is very much about learning, growing, and evolving. We are not born complete, we learn and unearth pieces of ourselves wherever we go, whatever we do, etc. If we are born complete then what's the point of life. I am always me and I know the basics of who I am. If anything I am searching on being a better me, not a confused me.

"I haven't looked at your chart, but noticed you have Pluto in Scorpio. You are very young, wet behind the ears."

I know I am young, I have ALOT, ALOT to learn and inexperienced in a lot of things, but from the stuff I have learn so far, I am not naive, which is another side and interpretation of "wet behind the ears" phrase. I am not sure of your intent by saying this, but this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Besides I am sure you will probably be considered "wet behind the ears" to a 90 year old, or 100 year old.

Lastly I strongly dislike, the "You are one among 7 billion. You are replaceable."

I maybe one of 7 billion, but I am 1 of 7 billion. I am unique and I am not replaceable. The numbers may increase but they will be no one like me. Not one born in the same time, place, year, location like me. No one with the same parents, experiences and struggles like me. I understand we are humans and we're all the same, but at the same time we are not. I didn't come to this thread to be among the 7 billion. I came for advice, when I was feeling low. I feel much better now, but that's part of the human and individual experience. We are human and unique. The replaceable thing is quite disgusting, especially for someone on an astrology forum who I assume studies astrology seriously should know this.

I agree with your other points for the most part. I came to the world to fight. I am a fighter. I do not give up. Even if I let go, I don't give up. Also I came into this world lone, and I will die lone, I know that part. But there are 7 billion people so I am never alone. Thank you!
 
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greybeard

Well-known member
Don't forget the angular Mars-Pluto square. Mars, lord of 8th House Sun, opposes Ascendant and Pluto squares it. And with Pluto at the bottom of the chart (the tomb), the idea of "buried rage" sure seems appropriate. Mars-Pluto contacts can indicate a compulsive need to win at any cost, which might translate into a need to be right no matter what. Hmm, are we getting warmer? What is wrong with me...help.

With that angular square, its close association with the horizon (Mars in 7th house [mangal yoga]), all relationships are apt to have a competitive, conflictive tone... Hmm, not exactly given to compromise and accomodation. Unwilling to concede.

Ebertin says of Mars-Pluto contacts "ruthlessness...brutality, cruelty". I don't think Ebertin knows what he's talking about. He exaggerates.

Not to mention the Moon.... In vengeful Scorpio. Holds a grudge forever. Then, Moon/Pluto = IC....oh boy. And Moon square Saturn, Moon ruler of 12.

"What's wrong with me?"... Do you really want, or need, a "reading"?

You don't get along with anyone for very long. Your pride gets offended over nothing, and then you explode. Impulsive behavior patterns, headstrong and uncooperative, dead set on doing it your way no matter what. Long and short.

You are built to be a loner. Excessive impetuosity and overly forecful, often violent, reactions and responses (springing from deeply buried anger and also unspoken [unrecognized] fear) leave a trail of tears in their wake.

Now that you have an inkling of "what is wrong with you", the question becomes "What are you going to do about it?"

You will find that the above astrological indications (and more) point strongly to the traits I have mentioned, which you can verify by consulting books and websites.

With regard to "being replaceable", eagles are usually hatched two to a nest. The first-hatched normally throws the younger out of the nest to die. Nature is profligate. I'm quite sure the world was turning before I was born and will continue to do so after I have departed. Lucky for me (from my point of view), I am not so attached to my ego as to think I am indispensable.
 
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Nickidan

Well-known member
greybeard said:
Don't forget the angular Mars-Pluto square. Mars, lord of 8th House Sun, opposes Ascendant and Pluto squares it. And with Pluto at the bottom of the chart (the tomb), the idea of "buried rage" sure seems appropriate. Mars-Pluto contacts can indicate a compulsive need to win at any cost, which might translate into a need to be right no matter what. Hmm, are we getting warmer? What is wrong with me...help.

With that angular square, its close association with the horizon (Mars in 7th house [mangal yoga]), all relationships are apt to have a competitive, conflictive tone... Hmm, not exactly given to compromise and accomodation. Unwilling to concede.

Ebertin says of Mars-Pluto contacts "ruthlessness...brutality, cruelty". I don't think Ebertin knows what he's talking about. He exaggerates.

Not to mention the Moon.... In vengeful Scorpio. Holds a grudge forever. Then, Moon/Pluto = IC....oh boy. And Moon square Saturn, Moon ruler of 12.

"What's wrong with me?"... Do you really want, or need, a "reading"?

You don't get along with anyone for very long. Your pride gets offended over nothing, and then you explode. Impulsive behavior patterns, headstrong and uncooperative, dead set on doing it your way no matter what. Long and short.

You are built to be a loner. Excessive impetuosity and overly forecful, often violent, reactions and responses (springing from deeply buried anger and also unspoken [unrecognized] fear) leave a trail of tears in their wake.

Now that you have an inkling of "what is wrong with you", the question becomes "What are you going to do about it?"

You will find that the above astrological indications (and more) point strongly to the traits I have mentioned, which you can verify by consulting books and websites.

With regard to "being replaceable", eagles are usually hatched two to a nest. The first-hatched normally throws the younger out of the nest to die. Nature is profligate. I'm quite sure the world was turning before I was born and will continue to do so after I have departed. Lucky for me (from my point of view), I am not so attached to my ego as to think I am indispensable.
Click to expand...

I agree with most (not all) of what you are saying here. Even so, your interpretation makes it seem like I am hopeless and that I should live on a mountain with no human contact at all. I mean I did ask the question, I don't know what's wrong with me. Help.

You have answered that question. Even so, that isn't all of it and what's wrong with me isn't just on my "not so good aspects". I know I have "good" aspects that can also contribute to what's wrong with me question too.

My sun is exalted in Aries and my Venus is exalted in Pisces. I do have a number of pleasurable aspects too. Especially with my Moon (trine Venus, sextile Jupiter, Uranus and Neptune). I also have Mercury sextile Saturn, Jupiter on my Ascendant, and I have Venus in my 7th House too.

Your quote, "Mars-Pluto contacts can indicate a compulsive need to win at any cost, which might translate into a need to be right no matter what. Hmm, are we getting warmer? What is wrong with me...help."

I don't think I need to win at any cost and that I need to be right no matter what. I like to be right, like everyone else. I want to win too, but I know that I can't win all the time.

Your quote: "With that angular square, its close association with the horizon (Mars in 7th house [mangal yoga]), all relationships are apt to have a competitive, conflictive tone... Hmm, not exactly given to compromise and accomodation. Unwilling to concede. "

I am very competitive, and can have a conflictive tone no problems with that. Even so, I also have Venus in the 7th House. So I can be very accomadating and taken to compromise. Until I get angry and frustrated.

Your quote: "Ebertin says of Mars-Pluto contacts "ruthlessness...brutality, cruelty". I don't think Ebertin knows what he's talking about. He exaggerates.

Not to mention the Moon.... In vengeful Scorpio. Holds a grudge forever. Then, Moon/Pluto = IC....oh boy. And Moon square Saturn, Moon ruler of 12."

I too feel that's a bit of an exaggeration. I also feel my Mars-Pluto is directed more inward than outward. I do have moon in scorpio and I do hold grudges, but I rarely take revenge on people. In recent history I have gotten to conflicts with people and I did have an opportunity to take revenge on someone, but I didn't. I decided to take the high road (as difficult as it was). I am striving to be the more highly evolved eagle, Scorpio moon. It's hard but I am sincerely trying.

Your quote, "You don't get along with anyone for very long. Your pride gets offended over nothing, and then you explode. Impulsive behavior patterns, headstrong and uncooperative, dead set on doing it your way no matter what. Long and short.

You are built to be a loner. Excessive impetuosity and overly forecful, often violent, reactions and responses (springing from deeply buried anger and also unspoken [unrecognized] fear) leave a trail of tears in their wake."

I do find it hard to get along with people for very long which translate to me. Even so, I act like my Venus in Pisces, I ignore people's faults and try to see the good in people, til my scorpio moon and placements in Aries get mad and frustrated. Moon in Scorpio is a difficult planet, but its not evil and its not the worst moon placement (capricorn is in detriment in the moon). Moon in scorpio wants me to be honest and truthful (emotionally) at all times. While my mercury in Aries just wants to blurt everything they are thinking without without regard of the person. While as my Venus in Pisces wants peace. I feel there are conflicts with my moon, venus, and mercury signs).

I agree I can be a loner especially with my Moon in Saturn placement which makes me a bit depress too. The stuff about excessive impetuosity and overly forecful, often violent, reactions and responses, I don't think its that true to me and applies to me that much (at least not now, maybe later on in life). My mars is in Aquarius, and its a very detached, intellectual sign. They don't get angry like an Aries (or any fire sign in Mars does). My mars don't get emotional like a Mars in a water sign does. I feel my mars in Aquarius doesn't know how to handled anger in the ways my moon and mercury want to.

It sounds strange and you probably don't believe me, but I rarely get angry. When I do get angry its with my family and close friends, not complete strangers (I don't let strangers get me down). When I do get angry its because of all the repressed annoyances that built up and turn into uncontrollable anger. I tend to be mostly honest with my family (though I sometimes hold back, cuss you got to choose your battles, and sometimes I don't think its worth opening another can of worms). Whatever anger I feel I do have is mostly from the past, on things I felt I did wrong and didn't handled appropriately). Things like regrets, past hurts and lost opportunities.

Your quote "Now that you have an inkling of "what is wrong with you", the question becomes "What are you going to do about it?"

I am unsure what I am going to do about it. I want to find more people that I can talk to, that get me. I also want to find a healthy medium where I can channel my intense feelings, emotions into something more productive. I have a few ideas, but if you have some suggestions and ideas too, I will be happy to hear them. :)

Your quote: "With regard to "being replaceable", eagles are usually hatched two to a nest. The first-hatched normally throws the younger out of the nest to die. Nature is profligate. I'm quite sure the world was turning before I was born and will continue to do so after I have departed. Lucky for me (from my point of view), I am not so attached to my ego as to think I am indispensable."

I get your point but I am not an eagle. I know its a dog eat dog world (especially with the eagles thing). And I know that when we die, its a never-ending cycle of life and death. I don't think I am completely indispensable. I know in life, death is necessary to continue and that nature is less forgiving.

But I do know that I am important and that I have value. We are not born just to die (I know that is an incredibly important factor and trait of life). I don't know exactly why we are born, created, appear whatever. Its an age old, that I am trying to figure out too.

I also understand we're at two different stages in my life. I am young and you carry more age. I am assuming that you are thinking more of death and your place in the world. Even so I am not at that stage yet and hopefully it will be a long time before I have to think about that. I ask you not project your feelings, fears, and uncertainties about life onto me.

I have probably asked too much out of you. I am sorry for that. Thank You for what you have answered so far.

To others reading this post. I open the floor to others that are willing, have the time, patience, and humility to answer this question fully and to the best of their ability. All I ask is for you to treat me, my question and my chart as an individual. Thanks!!!
 
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Zarathu

Account Closed
A full analysis of your chart would require full birth data, either here or by PM.

I use my own software to get information not present in the pretty pictures here. The reason:

For why "I" need more than the pretty picture:

http://zarathuastrology.zohosites.com/WHAT-DO-YOU-NEED-TO-TELL-THE-ASTROLOGER1.html

In order to keep your privacy, you have every right not to provide this data here on AC.

This is my opinion, others have other opinions. I probably don't have enough humility for you, though. But then 45 years of studying the subject tends to make one very very very knowledgeable, and this will often come across as arrogance. But then, that's really not my problem, at age 65, with several successful careers behind me, and me probalby old enough to be your grandpa.
 
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mutableflame

Well-known member
Even with Mars on the descendant, it's in Aquarius. There's an applied objectivity when dealing with your aggressions or taking impulsive actions.. Venus in Pisces in the 7th is rather empowered, so I don't feel mars is stealing the show. In fact your inner desire to accommodate may often impede your ego's 'knee jerk reactions'. You're still a fire sign, and can likely be quite loud when you're pissed off, but you have more tact than a typical Aries.

And when one applies a Venus in Pisces opposition a Virgo Jupiter.. I can still see restlessness, but not necessarily an impulsive attitude. The values of caution, consideration and sacrifice are not lost within the fire and air aspects. Rather they create a powerful undercurrent of complex emotions, desires and inner perceptions. Scorpio Moon can be a dark little stick in the mud, stewing/obsessing over it's wounds and aggressions, but ultimately this archetype is looking for love and acceptance too.

Just sayin..
 
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Nickidan

Well-known member
mutableflame said:
Even with Mars on the descendant, it's in Aquarius. There's an applied objectivity when dealing with your aggressions or taking impulsive actions.. Venus in Pisces in the 7th is rather empowered, so I don't feel mars is stealing the show. In fact your inner desire to accommodate may often impede your ego's 'knee jerk reactions'. You're still a fire sign, and can likely be quite loud when you're pissed off, but you have more tact than a typical Aries.

And when one applies a Venus in Pisces opposition a Virgo Jupiter.. I can still see restlessness, but not necessarily an impulsive attitude. The values of caution, consideration and sacrifice are not lost within the fire and air aspects. Rather they create a powerful undercurrent of complex emotions, desires and inner perceptions. Scorpio Moon can be a dark little stick in the mud, stewing/obsessing over it's wounds and aggressions, but ultimately this archetype is looking for love and acceptance too.

Just sayin..
Click to expand...

I agree, its just that I want to accommodate all my planets, and I just don't know how. I know its VERY VERY VERY VERY difficult task, but I don't believe its completely impossible. Even if its not all the planets, I just want to act in a way that is true to myself most of the time. Thanks for your input!!!! :biggrin:
 
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mutableflame

Well-known member
When you figure that out, let me know. I'm striving for that same ideal. Whether I find that synthesis of self through astrology or some other catalyst.
 
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