astro_novice
Well-known member
With Neptune conjucnts my 2nd house cusp, and opposes Mercury, the ruler of my eighth house, I finally gave up on sex totally. Scientifically speaking, the chance of that happening is smaller than 0.03%. For the first time, I have absolutely zero expectation and hope for it happening.
I used to believe in God so firmly, but my personal values (which is also second house issues) have totally eroded (along with my huge stock market losses > $US 1 million now).
For the first time in my life, I want to start to think FOR myself, instead of FOR others. I recently realize that all of my 41 years of life, I have always tried to be of service to the world (Sun in Virgo) and not looking out for my own interests. But even if I want to be a selfish person, I don't know how. I just can't.
I don't need good food, good clothing, good housing, or good cars for myself at all. I don't desire any material things.
I just need a little sex and a little hope to go by. But even that is crushed by Neptune on my second house cusp.
I've always prayed to God to either give me sex or remove my natural and biological desires. Sadly, I thought about castrating myself more times than I thought about betraying my wife, even while she continues to maintain a flirtatious friendship with her ex-boy friend behind my back.
I have reduced all of my prayers to the simplest: God, please show yourself and love towards me. That's all I ask.
I think I'm finally disillusioned. There are just not many logical conclusions that I can draw. Either He is not there, or He doesn't hear my prayers, or He doesn't love me.
Even then, out of all those choices, I hope it's not the first one, because I will cry my heart out for ALL of the heros, heroines, martyrs, and saints in ALL human histories and current days. They would have died in vain, and who is going to take care of them and cloth their dead bodies, and heal their spirits?
I used to believe in God so firmly, but my personal values (which is also second house issues) have totally eroded (along with my huge stock market losses > $US 1 million now).
For the first time in my life, I want to start to think FOR myself, instead of FOR others. I recently realize that all of my 41 years of life, I have always tried to be of service to the world (Sun in Virgo) and not looking out for my own interests. But even if I want to be a selfish person, I don't know how. I just can't.
I don't need good food, good clothing, good housing, or good cars for myself at all. I don't desire any material things.
I just need a little sex and a little hope to go by. But even that is crushed by Neptune on my second house cusp.
I've always prayed to God to either give me sex or remove my natural and biological desires. Sadly, I thought about castrating myself more times than I thought about betraying my wife, even while she continues to maintain a flirtatious friendship with her ex-boy friend behind my back.
I have reduced all of my prayers to the simplest: God, please show yourself and love towards me. That's all I ask.
I think I'm finally disillusioned. There are just not many logical conclusions that I can draw. Either He is not there, or He doesn't hear my prayers, or He doesn't love me.
Even then, out of all those choices, I hope it's not the first one, because I will cry my heart out for ALL of the heros, heroines, martyrs, and saints in ALL human histories and current days. They would have died in vain, and who is going to take care of them and cloth their dead bodies, and heal their spirits?