House Meanings


Well-known member
The First House, whose cusp is the Ascendant in most house systems, is the house of all beginnings. It shows the moment of the first breath of life (at the Ascendant.) Because its cusp is the horizon itself, this house shows the native’s horizons in life, his perspectives. It portrays a person’s outlook on the world, how the native sees the world and is seen by it. It is therefore the persona, the mask we wear so that we can protect the inner self while getting what we need from the outer world. It is the role we will play in life, and the major issues we will face in broad terms. In fact, the Ascendant shows our whole life story, in potential. Our body, constitution, appearance, complexion, facial features and even hair are said to be shown by this house (aspecting planets and lord of the house must be put into the equation.) In all questions of life and death, sickness or the general fate of the native this house should be consulted. In horary astrology it is the querent, ships at sea and all things inquired after whose location or state are unknown, and describes the situation that brings on the question. Mercury is said to be in his joy in this house.
The Second House is the House of Money. It shows the fluid and dependable resources of the native or of the issue at hand. This house describes personal possessions, wealth, and the concomitant power to influence affairs. Personal liberty is shown by this house insofar as substance brings the power to make things happen or bring desire into reality because it charts the totality of those resources which enable an individual to choose or act, or to maintain and sustain his own existence without leaning on any other participant in the social world where he finds himself. The house describes a person’s material strength and support. The term “a man of substance” portrays the meaning of this house of the material and tangible very clearly. The house shows “moveable things” and this idea gives an excellent picture of the essential barter nature of “money” itself as a social institution. The house also includes “assistance” and “reserves” that allow a person to extricate himself from any given predicament by allowing choice of alternative means. The house shows debt and credit. Gain and loss are shown by this house, in any matter at hand. Here are resources which are consumed in their use; one thing is traded for another. This house shows the self’s identification with substance; what I have becomes an extension of me and I become bound to my possessions. In Hindu astrology the Second is a house of personal death, and its lord “karaka of death,” (anareta). Jyotish also ascribes family relationships, eating habits, speech and eyesight to this house. In horary astrology it symbolizes all forms of personal wealth, fluid assets and readily available funds, debt and credit, and all things held for their value.
The Third House is the house of pure depersonalized instrumentality (things or people we commonly use in a more or less automatic way, without much thought), movement or communication in all direct forms, and personal relationships which are normally taken for granted. In this last regard it is the house of siblings, neighbors and our family members or blood relations in general apart from parents or children. It signifies tools, whether of the body or mind. It is those things which can be used to accomplish our ends without themselves being consumed or used up in the process. In the sense of tools are included inventions designed to make life easier, more automatic and consistently dependable. This house contains the “useful arts”, such as skilled work using highly developed machines, or editorial and manuscript work; that is, those things that are required to bring a project to a finished state but are not considered artistic expression. It is our immediate environment with the things in it that are available for our use. The medieval astrologers said that it signifies “change in general,” which would include the normal moving around or rearrangement of our immediate situation. “Short journeys,” or normal movement in our accustomed environment are located here. Here we may expect to find failures of routine operation or inadequacy in the taken-for-granted performance of normal and expected functions. This house embraces the infrastructure that serves us and the utilities it provides, and all other forms of “conveniences” that are normally expected to be available. The house rules conveniently available places for routine group activities, such as meeting halls, church buildings and even festivals and pageants when these are considered as community affairs. It is gatherings of the people. News, rumors and gossip are found here. In horary art, a question such as “Is the news true?” will be located here. This house also describes “personal skill” as well as the practice or rehearsal needed to keep it sharp and ready for use when needed. The Moon is said to be in her joy in this house.
The Fourth House has its origin, or cusp, at the Nadir, the point where the Sun is at midnight. It is the Dark House. At the bottom of the chart, it is the foundation and the root of all matters, what underlies any situation and what it grows out of. This house signifies the final outcome of anything, and is “the end of the matter.” It is therefore a house of death, and of our old age or latter years. It is the tomb, and rules cemeteries and graves. It is the collective unconscious (in contrast to the personal unconscious of the Twelfth), and often holds deep and fearsome things. The house shows our “heritage,” the family name, inborn and inbred traits, our tribe or clan. Medieval astrologers gave rulership of the father to the Fourth House, while some modern astrologers hold it to rule the mother primarily because of its connection with the Moon; in any case it is a parental house, and is the parent of final appeal. Inheritance is ruled by this house in the sense of money, property, or whatever has come to us from the past. The surviving influence of the past in the present is shown here. It certainly depicts the home and family, both as a child and as an adult. This house rules the actual physical residence, whether a house, a castle or a rented tenement. It has dominion over all forms of real estate or property, including estates, parks and fields. It rules the resources on and under the land, and natural resources in the more general sense as well. Note that if land is bought and held primarily as a vehicle for speculative investment, it falls under the Fifth House and not the Fourth. But real property that forms a part of the patrimony belongs to this angular house. Wells, springs, lakes and rivers are in this house, as are mines and quarries. In horary charts it is the foundation, the basement, the lowest level, what is hidden or buried. It is the direction north in question charts. In a natal chart it shows what happened very early in life and has become very deeply rooted and permanent. It shows what is private and hidden within a person. The Fourth House represents places and feelings of safety, privacy, protection and retreat. It can portray both that which in the present moment or relationship so partakes of the element of the ultimate as to be beyond change, or that which by the complexion of the total relations at issue is inevitable in the practical sense. In other words, it is both those things which cannot be changed and those which surely must change.
The Fifth House is the house of our creations. Known primarily as the house of children, it also rules the early or primary education, up to the point where education leaves off being the study of what others can teach us and becomes the exploration and deep study of the Ninth House. The Fifth is also the house of entertainment, whether given or received and includes the theater, sporting events, popular concerts and time spent pleasing the self without much concern for others. It also portrays our competitive urges and is the house of testing the self against the competitor. It is shows the demonstration and refinement, before the world, of our definitely individual capacities proved in open competition. Here is the ability to resist outside pressures and remain true to the self and its vision, values or goals. Persistence and endurance in the striving to reach what we have set as goals for ourselves is shown here. It charts a person’s “strength in resistance,” and shows the extent to which he will remain true to himself despite pressures to change his course. Ambassadors are shown by this house, that is those people who attempt to convince a third party on our behalf. We might say that the Fifth House holds those things that we love and for which we are willing to sacrifice ourselves. This house rules jewelry, amulets and such things as are worn or used for personal adornment or as signs of our stature or character. This is the house of self-discovery as we find and develop our inherent personal skills and talents. On the negative side it can show prodigal self-expenditure, ranging from dissipation to wild speculation and high-risk gambling. Toys come under the dominion of this house, as well as the things of children. It is the house of self-indulgence, and often shows sexual relationships outside the marriage.
The Sixth House essentially describes unequal social relationships where one person is obligated to serve another. It is the house of servants, employees, slaves, those who perform repairs or other services on an occasional basis, members of the armed forces and those who attend the sick and infirm as well as the infirm themselves. This house shows what we must do as our duty although we would not; it is the onerous and unpleasant tasks that one is required to carry out. It portrays the readjustments a person must make as he comes to grips with his social station. Here are the maladjustments, the things out of balance in our lives, which often manifest as sickness. It is the house of health – or lack thereof, and the things we do to recover or maintain our health including diet, rest and recuperation, exercise and other regimens, enforced or requiring self-discipline. It is training regimens, the daily practice and effort that results in skill.
The Seventh House opposes the First House. If the First House is the house of the “self” (the personality and ego complex, the body) then its opposite must be the house of the “not-self”. It is therefore the house of open enemies, all who stand against you in conflict, whose interests oppose yours. This is the house of suits at law, of war, of contests at the highest levels. But not all things which “oppose” us are inimical. The other side of this coin is that which complements our being and makes us whole. Thus this is the house of partners of all sorts. This is also the house of the spouse or any other partner of similar nature. Basically, this house shows the ability of the native to form cooperative and mutually beneficial (in conditions of equality) relationships, usually of relatively long-term. The Seventh House is also a house of death, the personal death of the native. The Sun – the Giver of Life – sets at the cusp of this house, the Descendant, or western horizon, and passes into darkness. It opposes Life at the Ascendant. This house also shows the Immediate Opportunity in any situation. The Seventh House contains contracts, and the public-at-large.
The Eighth House This house, like the Twelfth and the Sixth (and also the Fourth in some respects) was called a house of Infortune by the old astrologers. It is a house of darkness and difficulty. Being the second house from the Seventh House, it represents the money of others, and specifically that of the spouse or partner. It is money that is not readily available, such as that in trusts, endowments or escrow. The house also signifies debt and taxes. The old saying that “nothing is certain but death and taxes” applies to this house. It is the primary house of death. It signifies all things connected with death generally, such as inheritance, insurance benefits and legacies. This house shows all things concerned with elimination of the no-longer-useful or noxious. This applies to the purely physical products of the body and environment, as well as the psychic or psychological. It is the house of termination and transformation; things whose time has passed are given new form. It contains all forms of metamorphosis, typified by the caterpillar which on becoming a chrysalis dissolves before taking the form of the beautiful butterfly. The Eighth House is a place of aloneness and rejection. It is the house of “seeing beyond the veil”, and deals with things mystical and deeply hidden. It is the labyrinth. Sex and sexuality are described by this house, as are all of our deep, passionate and compulsive drives. Although this house destroys, it also transforms, heals and makes whole. The cycle of death and resurrection is eternal. The path is never easy.
The Ninth House In contrast to the Eighth House, which is a dark and unfortunate place, the Ninth is held to be the most fortunate of houses, especially in Hindu astrology. Fundamentally this house rules all operations of rationalization and intellect, all abstract thought processes, and all self-projection to a distance. It deals with generalization out of experience; that is, the formulation of generalized theories or beliefs derived from the details of everyday experience (found in the Third House). It shows all personal relations with the distant and foreign, thus has to do with travel to distant lands and trade with foreign countries. The house is expansive and broadening. It is the content, but not the paper and ink, of books containing knowledge and wisdom. This house rules religion and philosophy, and persons concerned with such matters. It is higher education and the places and people who promote it. This house rules fame (what is said about him, as distinct from the “honor” of the Tenth House, which has to do with position in life), and in the negative sense, notoriety. Because this house implies sensitiveness to larger or more remote ideas, it is the house of visions, dreams, inspiration, prophecy, and the whole psychic life in its more healthy forms; psychic maladjustment, or chaotic and formless states of mind are shown by the Twelfth because such is the result of some outer compulsion or failure of the individual to remain true to his inner self. This house rules large-scale and institutionalized means of exercising long-range control, in life and in trade, and so symbolizes the corporation (or the command center for space exploration). This house also rules publishing and broadcasting, as agencies of the general dissemination of knowledge. It is the house of creative thought in general.
The Tenth House The Tenth House, with its cusp located at the highest point in the heavens, is the House of Honor. It signifies the general recognition (by the collective) of any individual, group, or particular matter brought to consideration. As the highest of the houses it also signifies the ultimate authority in any situation, as the king, the boss, the landlord, or the head of any sort of group. It signifies efforts to gain prestige among your fellow man, or any failure to gain or hold it. It is anyone who issues orders or is entrusted to assure that the will of the group is carried out. The Tenth House designates superiority in general, and is that one of the parents to whom from the first the child yields the most necessary obedience, usually the mother. The house charts the ambition of the native, particularly in dynamic and direct relation to superiors. It is commonly called the house of profession, because it shows how or through what a person seeks to establish his place or prestige in the collective body of society.
The Eleventh House The Eleventh House shows a person’s generalized objectives in life, what the old astrologers called “hopes and wishes”. Thus, the house has a leaning toward the future. The old astrologers called this house the Good Daemon, and it is considered – along with the Ninth – the most fortunate of houses. The house also shows those people who are well disposed toward you and will assist you in the furtherance of your hopes and wishes, thus it is the house of friends and like-minded people. In Hindu astrology the house is used as the indicator of income generated through the profession (once earned, this money goes to the Second House of liquid resource). Legislation and legislative bodies are also indicated by the Eleventh, and it shows boards of directors, city councils and other such bodies. Also found here are humanitarian or public-service organizations and such other groups whose purpose is betterment of the community, and in a natal chart it shows the natives propensity to participate in such things. It is the house of “social resources.”
The Twelfth House The Twelfth House is a dark house, one of “the houses of misfortune”. It is not all bad but, as we shall see, most of the things it contains are unfortunate or difficult at best. In general, it rules things which are dark and mysterious, hidden, isolated, binding and constraining, unsuspected and confusing. It is the house of the psychologists’ “repressed contents”. It shows institutions that in general isolate a person in some way, such as hospitals, asylums, jails and prisons, monasteries, and also all things that hold a person prisoner, whether to himself or others, whether physically or psychologically. This house shows all forms of protective custody, whether voluntary or involuntary. It is the house of “secret or hidden enemies”. In this regard, the house shows the native’s set of temperament that has called forth these enmities and strengthens them. Here we find kidnapping, abduction, blackmail and behind-the-scenes activities meant to cause the downfall of the native. This is the house of self-destruction or self-defeating thought and act. It is not only the house of imprisonment, but also of the escaped prisoner, or a released or pardoned prisoner. It is both bondage and escape from bondage. Here we find the detective, the prison warden or guard, the people who operate hospitals and so on. The outcast, and chronic conditions of misery are located here. It is the house of mourning and bereavement. As the house of self-destruction, it is suicide or its contemplation, the giving way to fear, or a sense of hopelessness. It is unrealized potential. Large animals live in this house, as do ghosts from the past and demons. It should be pointed out that all the suffering shown in this house can be turned to advantage because it contributes to the building of spiritual resources and enhanced sensitiveness. Compassion grows in this house. This house holds psychological sustainment as well as restriction, shows help coming from unsuspected quarters, subconscious guidance and unexpressed devotion.

Al-Biruni in the Tahfim (1029 ME) says:
First House Soul, life, length of life, education, native land.
Second House Suckling, nutriment, disaster to eyes if over-taken by ill-luck, livelihood, household requisites, assistants, profession of children.
Third House Brothers, sisters, relations, relations in-law, jewels, friends, migration, short journeys, intelligence, knowledge, expertness in religious law*.
Fourth House Parents, grandparents, descendants, real estate, fields, houses, water-supply, knowledge of genealogy; what succeeds death and what happens to the dead.
Fifth House Children, friends, clothes, pleasure, joy, little acquisition of property, accumulated wealth of father, what was said of him at his burial service.
Sixth House Sickness, defects of body, overwork, if unfortunate accident to legs, loss of property, disease of internal organs, slaves, maids, cattle.
Seventh House Women, concubines, giving in marriage, marriage-feasts, contentions, partnership, losses, lawsuits.
Eighth House Death and its causes, murder, poisoning, evil effects of drugs on body, inheritance, wife's property, expenditure, poverty, extreme indigence, feigning death.
Ninth House Travel, religion, piety, fate, seriousness, attainment of knowledge from the stars and divination, philosophy, surveying, sharp discernment, trustworthiness, interpretation of visions and dreams.
Tenth House Rule of Sultan, government with council of nobles, absolute authority, success in business, commerce, professions, well-behaved children, liberality.
Eleventh House Happiness, friends, enemies, concern for next world, prayer and praise, friendship of women, love, dress, perfume, ornaments, commerce, longevity.
Twelfth House Enemies, misery, anxieties, prison, debt, fines, bail, fear, adversity, disease, prenatal fancies of mother, cattle, harbors, slaves, servants, armies, exile, tumults

* I find this interesting and think it deserves comment. Al-Biruni lived in a Persian Muslim society, and discussions regarding the "law" were, then as now, an important element in the social fabric (which is probably why he mentions it.) What is meant here is the Third House "letter of the law" as opposed to the Ninth House "spirit of the law." Compare the references to the Pharisees made by Jesus; they quibbled over the letter and never found the spirit. I comment on this because it may help us to see how to interpret the houses, how the houses at either end of the axes both oppose and complement each other.
Last edited:


Well-known member
I'd like to add something.
I like my students to remember this about the houses: The angular houses represent (in the largest sense) "identity"; the succeedent houses represent desires and values and the cadent houses represent the processes of thought.

For instance, the first house represents the identity of the personality; the 4th, the innermost private identity; the 7th, the identity of the "other" or mirror image; and the 10th the most public identity.

The 2nd house, the "products" & desires born from the personality; the 5th, the products & desires born from the innermost identity; the 8th, the products & desires born from the partnership; and the 11th, the products and desires born from the career or most public identity.

The 3rd house represents our conscious thinking mind and our routine experiences; the 6th represents the way we digest information; the 9th represents the conclusions we come to and the recording of this information; and the 12th house represents how information and thought gets subsumed into the unconscious....swirling between consciousness and UN.... affecting us without our necessarily knowing it.

Also, it's wise to remember the polarities. The first and 7th share a common thread, the 2nd and 8th, the 3rd and 9th, the 4th and 10th, the 5th and 11th and the 6th and 12th. One hemisphere is connected to the other ...even without planets placed there.
So when we "read" a house, it's good to look to the opposite house to make a complete evaluation.

The reason I believe this is important to learn early in this study is to show the "finiteness" of life. All is connected to the rest. This is not new thinking or original, but it is something not usually stressed in beginning astrology. When discussing the houses I think it is important to remember these things.

This type of connectedness really helps me when I read a chart for the first time. That is why I include it when I teach beginners.
Last edited:


Well-known member
Very good points, Lin.

In the footnote to al-Biruni I mentioned the complentary nature of opposite houses, but perhaps without adequate emphasis.

What is said in one house may also appear with equal strength in its opposite...two opposite houses are the extremes of a polarity, which in reality are simply the expression of the same energy in contrasting and complementary form. They are manifestations of Newton's "For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction,"...thesis/antithesis.

Probably the easiest among these polarities to understand (or illustrate) this idea is found in the First/Seventh polarity. The First House is clearly "I", or the self; the Seventh House is all that is not self, the other. But one without the other is incomplete, not whole. And what is found in the one may become part of the other -- and the flow of energies is bi-directional. We should recall that the 7th is the Open Enemy, and is the house of War (lawsuits, competition at the highest level)...and it is through this sort of "meeting" the Other that we know and develop the self.

Another important sort of house relationship is found in the triads of houses. The First-Fifth-Ninth all deal with aspects of the same sort of affairs, with what we might cryptically call "self-expression." 10-6-2, 7-3-11, and 4-12-8 are similarly related to each other.

Last edited:


Well-known member
"and the flow of energies is bi-directional."

Yes, and this is so whether or not there are planets in the opposite house. Very often these empty houses are under-delineated. I know this because when I was a beginner (many moons ago) I was guilty of this.

But I tell students, eventually, there will be planets IN those houses by transit and by (at least) progressed moon. So we need to be familiar with them.


Well-known member

And those empty houses have rulers, who may be quite active in the chart.

And the Chart as a Whole has an individual Tone, which affects all aspects of life, and must be examined and understood before (or during) interpretation of any one house's affairs....

Doggone it, this is gettiing complicated.

I have an empty 7th House: Obviously, I will never get married. But two wives later, it turns out that this is not the correct interpretation of an empty house.

I failed to look at Saturn, who is lord of the 7th. He is besieged by the applying Mars (Mars accelerates things, and lacks consideration) and Uranus, who disrupts things. Being besieged, he is between a rock and a hard place. He jumps into marriage early and impetuously, and then ...! I failed to notice that both Moon and Venus (planets who are inherently concerned with relationships) are Peregrine (without essential dignity) and afflicted accidentally (house position, aspects, fundamental conditioning [combustion, retrogradation, interception and such things])...

The point is that all of these things must be taken into account, carefully weighed and interpreted, in reading the empty house, or any house. This complexity is no cause for throwing up your hands... each of the elements entering into the interpretation serves to define the situation, provide more and more detail and refinement.

Lin, perhaps you can find a chart in your files that will illustrate how what goes on in one house affects its opposite house... What do you say? How does this work?
Last edited:


Well-known member
LOL....I would love to do this...however: half my files were flooded last October...and the space in which I do my readings has been (after being repaired and painted) the room where all "stuff" gets deposited as my husband repairs the walls in other rooms.
BUT I will look at my list of charts on My Astro and see if any of them will fill the bill.

Of course ANY chart would do, really....because every chart has some houses untenanted.
I'll check it out.

I think the empty houses represent "places" that won't fulfill the dreams or needs in the life. That doesn't mean they won't play a part... But to find out as you said, you need to look at the ruler of that empty house and see what IT is doing... both natally and afterward.
The tenanted houses are where the 'action' is...even if that action is subliminal.


Well-known member
HOw's this?


  • astro_24gw_889_anonymous_201352_80439_42503.jpg
    77.8 KB · Views: 56


Well-known member
Question: I don't usually upload charts on this's been years...I forget how to post it without the thumbnail...they are so annoying.

This is actually a good example of what I was talking about...but I'd like to make it more accessible.


Well-known member
I think the thumbnail is as good as it gets.....
that bundled chart gives plenty of empty houses.
Now, how did an empty house work in the woman's life?

sounds like Sandy made your life more opportunity to redecorate...My little town is without water tonight. Our main well burned up the pump and controls. The mayor's down there giving moral support to the repair guys. By next year we should have a brand-new water system, including another well.


Well-known member
Believe me when I tell you that I got no joy from "redecorating" as money was a big issue, nothing is where it's supposed to be and I haven't been able to use my studio since last no income from that source. I really could have done without it.

Anyway: looking at Celeste's chart. She is a very good astrological subject. She's SO dysfunctional.
Look at "children." Theoretically, she should have them, right? between the position and aspects.... BUT the KEY to "children" and "creativity" in her chart is really in the opposite house.
Or rather NOT. Uranus.

I happened to have known her before I saw her chart.... and I knew it was gonna be dramatic....and sure enough. That 4-7 square is really the key to her life. And the Moon issues.
Have to go.... no time today,


Well-known member
Anyway, I'm on the way to PT but just wanted to go on with Celeste. NO children ... she is an only child of a weak father and really dysfunctional mother to whom money was GOD.... everything was connected to how much or little money was involved. Even people who knew her mother superficially said her values were twisted.
It was also implied that her father didn't fight his illness because he wanted to get away from Though, not funny. Personally I think he let himself die because at that time there was no health insurance for the most part. They probably had Blue Cross... but that was really limited....and he didn't want to leave her broke.

There's also a major relocation in her chart...from upstate NY to Florida....just before the anorexia.. but she LOVED her new home... so that didn't prompt it.
There's more.
gotta go,

Celeste became anorectic at age 12. I'm gonna put up a prog. chart and transit chart for that year.
Hope I still have her charts from the past...I have exact dates for the anorexia and the relocation.


Well-known member
Still searching for this, as is usual for me, I find myself wanting to revisit this chart as I haven't looked at it in a couple of years.
I lost so much stuff in the flood....I hope I still have it.
Rarely have I known someone as much a "drama addict" with really not much happening (objectively) in her life. It's just that she makes Everything seem like a life and death situation.... and rarely sees the bright side.


Well-known member
the 4th H and 10th H are intercepted by sign (capricorn 10th H empty but more importantly cancer 4th H with mars(ruler of asc) conj NN) also saturn in cancer - that is pretty heavy family karma.


Well-known member
You can say that again. Although she loved (and loves) Florida, all the rest of her family still lived in NY, and she always felt really alone and detached and unable to get connected to her NY relatives, mostly because her mother "couldn't stand" them.
By the way, she was just 14 (half Saturn return) when she became anorectic. I will try to find time to redraw that chart when possible.
And she was 10 when the family (actually she is an only child) moved from upstate NY to Florida. The rest of the family was in Brooklyn, so even earlier in life she barely knew her aunts, uncles and cousins.


Well-known member
Beautiful thank you I'm learning astrology and I've just finished a book on houses and now I come across this wonderful thread!!!


New member
12 th house... i think i have lived whole life in it with all its "traps and gifts". My picture should be putted like a explanation to this house :D It is funny, tragic, weird, stupid and crazy "being there".
I have experienced all the things related to that house in one or other matter. Even the houses from 1 to 7 are strongly related to it, my moon is related with it(i m explaining just basically). Maybe this is one of the main astrological reasons i felt like weirdo in so many moments in life. My family has some weirdness also but in a better way, or at least way which is accepted from the outside world. But i feel like a actor in my life,whatever i m doing, just like a role in the theater - i m trying to do my best, to enjoy, but i dont see sense in anything really, i just do it because it has to. My favorite thing is to be alone as much as i can, but it always runs away from me,somehow i m always "pushed back" in the reality and the daily basis,i know that this is what should be-we are here for experience and since you have your life,you should use it in the best way you can. I have tried so many things to fulfile the emptiness,things which "normal" people use to do and thanks god i dont see any sense in drugs or alcohol,i dont need this fake happiness,lasting for few hours.
I try and want to connect somehow with people deeply but most of the time i m just dissapointed and seems that i just was blind. It's like you cant be sure in your idea about things,after so many mistakes, i m not sure in anything and i know already that i have to be careful to not add anything more to the existing mess.
I know,that this dark experience is good after all for the future, and i have started to open my eyes and mind,step by step for some things, but there are still so much stuff which should be put in order from the past...maybe only the death will give freedom and relief of my mind some day.:)