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Awakened_Pisces

Well-known member
This horary question is actually quite strange and unusual for me to present. Mostly because it's my first post after a long absence and because everyone here knows me mostly as the young 18 year old astrologer who if nothing else was an earnest grasshopper learner.

But yet, at the same time I feel like it's among my colleagues whom I can share my pain, my mistakes and where I can find the solutions. This isn't really a short-term problem, it all started while I was in discussions with a woman who I felt and still feel very close to. This woman was far more mature then I was at the time, and so I felt compelled to gain that same mature knowledge.

Along the way, I found that I was using this as a shield for a rather lustful side to myself that I didn't know I had. I must say, my amount of self-control is rather amazing in that, despite this happening I still have my first kiss and my virginity in tact.

Nevertheless, I am not flattered or pleased with my newly found flirt-first nature. Actually, I'd rather abandon it if I could. This is not the real me, it's not something I feel comfortable with. I feel guilt, shame and humiliation and dishonor. Of course, when you reveal something for the first time something must be compelling you, yes?

Well, so it is. My flirty nature has attracted into my life seemingly out of nowhere a woman whos just as every bit of a flirt, and just as every bit of a romanticist as I am. And yet, despite how much we have in common I cannot possibly give up on my long-term dreams and ultimate desires.

The last thing I want to do is hurt this(or any other) woman. Yet at the same time, I want to finally cleanse myself of this childish teenage game that I'd been playing. Some might say that, it's because I'm a teenager and we do these kinds of things. Even so, it's unforgivable that I even bothered thinking about doing those teenage kind of things.

So just as the chart says, how can I escape from this problem? How can I properly cleanse myself so I can move forward?
 

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RayAustin

Well-known member
What's interesting is there is an exact quintile going on between Mercury and Neptune before the Mars conjunction occurs, in the 12th from the 7th. I think this shows you are dreaming up and exaggerating your relationship problems. Mercury is in an expansive sign, and its dispositor Jupiter is powerful in Pisces but retro (and it is a night chart, Jupiter is also afflicted by Mars, so completely loses its benign influence).. so we have 'too much'. The Mars affliction says you are thinking too negatively.

The Mercury/Mars conjunction is also showing you want to communicate, but I wouldn't do that, why? Because we have the Neptune influence from the 6th which shows you are not of sound mind at this point and Mars is negative in the chart being the 8th house ruler and an angular peregrine malefic... so there is great power for negative results. In other words, I would not communicate to this woman about this until you are feeling 'alright'.

Like Olivia said do your best to focus on something else for a while that lets you release this anxiety.
 
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Awakened_Pisces

Well-known member
Thing is, I've longed to lose my virginity and that's what's been dictating my thought process over the last few years. And ironically enough, this girl came onto me and really kind of provoked that Marian energy and it is dictating my mind right now.


Emotionally speaking, I wanna "do it" as they say. Logically speaking, I know that this girl despite the similarities is not the one I want. As a matter of fact, if I thought logically I probably would've never given in to her romantically aggressive tone towards me. But the thoughts of wanting to "do it" and kind of just let loose went over my head
and that just rang bells in my mind telling me to stop it.
 

Awakened_Pisces

Well-known member
Well, we have an update. We've set up a date if you will for December 4th(A Saturday). It's really my first date per say in my life, and the reason I accepted? Well, mostly in my life I've been a social reject, a failure. Seizing on my own weaknesses and shortcomings I decided would be the best way to turn her off. On the internet, she can see the rather hidden side to me. In public, she'll see my serious and mature side which I highly doubt she'll be all that interested in.

So I made an horary(or is this what you would call an event chart?) for the day of the date.


With Taurus as the ASC, I'm represented by Venus whose in Scorpio. Speaking of Scorpio, she's represented by Scorpio hence Mars. Mars and Venus are applying via sextile on that day.

Quite fitting Venus(me) is in detriment in Scorpio. I think that represents my desires to put a little cold damper on the flames I foolishly started. Yet, as much as I anticipate putting the cold damper on things I have my desires to do so in such a way where she per say isn't hurt.

Whether it be by my own personality taking her aback, or putting a negative impression on her friend(she asked if her friend could come along. I happily said yes as I viewed this as the opportunity to open up even more windows at ending things).

My theory is that by making her feelings towards me wane on her own accord, things will break up rather smoothly.

And yet, this chart doesn't look all that perfect for my plans. While Mars isn't aspecting anything other than myself. I'm sextiling Pluto and the True Node. Whether I should take these into account in horary/event charts is up to more experienced astrologers. But it's almost as if it's a hint that I'll actually be drawn in.
 

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Awakened_Pisces

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As I said earlier, these bad habits of mine started because of a woman whom I felt/fell very close to and her sexual maturity compared to my sexual immaturity and my desires to improve upon that sexual immaturity to become more of a perfect partner for her.

Even though that woman would go on to disappear, I was finding and I found that no matter how much I searched for lust and sexual pleasure. No matter how much I played this teenage game, it was nothing compared to the love I have for her.

Which is the main reason, if not the only reason I'm determined to study abroad. To keep it short, I can only truly fall in love with that special woman, who was the first one to really make me feel special. And because she was alot smarter than I was, she wasn't just a lover, she was my mentor.

Simply put, as an idiotic teenager I thought that my sexual mind could be given away and my soul left intact. That was an obvious mistake, that I wasn't able to realize until something came close enough to me in the face to smack me with the truth.

My soul still yearns for that woman, who left a profound impact on me psychologically, even if by communication alone at the young age of 12.

I don't desire to hurt this woman to whom I'm talking with right now. I just don't know how to tell her, after we've talked so intensely and so hotly that in truth I really am not interested in a relationship at this time.

So I thought that by intellectually creating a way to end it, I save her and myself the pain.
 
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