Experience with 12th house stellium and a lack of earth in my chart

LostNOzarks

Well-known member
I have a stellium in the 12th house in the sign of sag (which is also my first house) with sun, pluto, moon and mercury all conjunct in my 12th. I have jupiter, mars, neptune, and venus in my first house. I have north node in libra and south node in aries.

I am 26 year old and I have come to the conclusion that I probably will never find stability or anything tangible to truly grasp and keep. I might transform and be better at adapting to the world around me (pluto) but any bit of tangibility or stability in my life is not going to happen. Don't be misled by the benefics in my asc that make me and my life seem extremely lucky, and fortunate.

I have no ground to stand on. Zero. Any attempt of self-determinism and attempting to build skills feels hazy. Doesn't mean I should give up.

I just realized this after the many driving lessons (mercury in 12th??), after obtaining degrees but failing to remember or develop any skills after them, after going from job to job and the many failed relationships with men who were indecisive of whether they wanted a long-term relationship/marriage but decided they wanted to definitely sleep with my asc before.

What keeps me going is luck. (jupiter in first) What frustrates me is my need for independence and be someone (south node in aries). What stops me is the haziness of the 12th house. My need for independence and stability keeps me at a prison (12th house) when what I value the most is freedom. (sag stellium) What keeps me going and amps my resilience is my plutonic aspects. But with so much 12th house, and pluto, it seems like I must come to terms with the fact that my life will keep changing, that nothing lasts forever and truly even I will keep changing.

I remember when my need for stability was soo much that, I would create a schedule for myself, be hyper focused to a point where I have the things I needed to learn in my phone in audio format. But this may be also in the realm of relationships, family, career as well, but no matter what I do, I don't feel enough, I don't see an end to anything, I see everything as unpredictable, ever changing, and unstable. And it scares me just as it did when I came to this realization.

I fear aging at age 26. I feel as though without some of the looks I do have, I am truly nothing. I fear getting old and not truly mattering and not truly making a difference. I fear missing out on the years of my youth. But simultaneously I fear missing out on making something of myself. I fear skipping over the best years of my femininity when I am ripe for marriage and kids.
my question is this.... without going further - "I am 26 year old and I have come to the conclusion that I probably will never find stability or anything tangible to truly grasp and keep".... Please define "tangible" in your mind/thoughts 3rd house ruler; "to grasp and keep" in 2nd or 4th house matters, and "I have come to the conclusion" 9th and 10th house rulers. Also - the devil in your chart - Pluto/Mars - who wants to be ruler of your life without any direction. Let's break it down.
 
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