Disillusioned

[lazarusx]

This is somewhat similar to Munch's 'Faithless' thread, but a little different.

I am slowly becoming disillusioned by life, i am so tired and world-weary that i just want to give up.. ever since my spiritual awakening in 2009 it's been a slow descent into the unknown as everything slowly unravels. I've lost my patience with people, and have become very apathetic to everything around me.. all i wish to do is escape from the world.

I have placed enormous pressure on myself over the years to experience every aspect of life, form relationships, visit places.. with the fear that if i stopped doing all of this, i would be giving up on life and not going forward. But this pressure and stress has eventually manifested in the form of physical strain to my body and mental imbalance, and now all i wish to do is shut myself in, become a hermit and forget about everything.

I've been hesitant to return to this lifestyle for i see it as 'going backwards'; but it seems the more i try, the more i struggle.. i'm ready to just surrender everything and give in, abandon all hope and expectations of who i think i am, who i should be, or what i should be doing.

I've had a few healers note i have a 'depleted heart chakra'; but i get the sense this runs much deeper. I would say i've been going through a dark night of the soul for so long now that im just lost and confused.

 

[Spectrum]

I understand your predicament, I am happy to be a friend xxoo

 

[Condessarte]

Sounds like Shambala syndrome, its happens before awakening, you have to die to this world before moving forwards, don´t give up, info on shamabala syndrome on internet, look it up

 

[Mark]

A depleted heart chakra is a symptom of disharmony between self and the Universal Spirit. That isn't anything to worry about for the moment. I've experienced similar things myself. What I have found is that the downhill run of the roller-coaster is just as important as the uphill run. This world is a place of duality. We cannot have one without the other. Going out and coming back in is the natural pattern of evolution; up and down and up and down. It hurts. Sometimes, it really f***ing hurts. But, if you had the choice, would you stop the roller-coaster?

It seems to me that what gets in your way is all these thoughts of who are you, what you are, what you're supposed to be doing, and so forth. You are an human! You little thing, how do you expect to know what is truly good for you? The Spirit has you. It always has and it always will. Forget all that you're "supposed to be." Forget the directions, mechanics, and technicalities. None of it matters. Not a bit! You're disillusioned by the realisation that it doesn't matter. All your life you have been pushing yourself to develop, thinking that what you're doing is progressing. Now that you're realising that none of that really mattered, it's time to look beneath the surface to see all the REAL changes that were going on behind the scenes. You were making progress; just not the progress you thought you were making.

Your thoughts don't matter. Your feelings don't matter. What you ARE matters. Maybe it's time to put away these clothes of worldly accomplishment you've made for yourself. Can you be at Peace naked, as you were created? If you were nothing other than the Son of your Father, would you be happy?

 

[lazarusx]

A depleted heart chakra is a symptom of disharmony between self and the Universal Spirit. That isn't anything to worry about for the moment. I've experienced similar things myself. What I have found is that the downhill run of the roller-coaster is just as important as the uphill run. This world is a place of duality. We cannot have one without the other. Going out and coming back in is the natural pattern of evolution; up and down and up and down. It hurts. Sometimes, it really f***ing hurts. But, if you had the choice, would you stop the roller-coaster?

Thankyou Mark for elaborating on the depleted heart chakra, it's also always in the back of my mind that as tough as this gets.. i would never want to actually stop any of it from happening. After spending some time reflecting on this, i believe this struggle and pain is the result of me letting go of an identity in which i've spent years creating in an attempt to define myself to others, which over time i've become aware of just how much of a straight-jacket it really is.. and i yearn for liberation.

You're disillusioned by the realisation that it doesn't matter.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here; this is exactly whats happening and i'm trying to create a sense of meaning out of the realization that nothing matters..