Re: synastry & divorce
starlink, I used cookbooks a lot when I started out. I still have shelves of them. I still buy them. My problem with them is that, when written by unenlightened astrologers, we tend to get the low-order astro-gunk of which Lilly rightly complains.
Worse, it reduces human beings to a set of static traits to be memorized. You know, the stuff like, "Well, if you're a Virgo, you must by picky, critical, and concerned with hygiene. You want to know if your lover has washed up before initiating intimacy."
I didn't like this approach to learning when I was a university student and then a teacher, because I always wondered why a list of traits to be memorized should, in fact, be the case. I mean, did God [or the universe, for atheists] put a bunch of stars and planets in the sky just so that someone born in early September in Kalamazoo, Michigan should be born with a set of unappetizing personality flaws?
I think a better way to learn astrology is more process-oriented and dynamic.
There are some great books for beginners that take a more dynamic, active approach, such as the Stephen Arroyo books cited in my previous post, as well as Steven Forrest's books, The Inner Sky, The Changing Sky, and Skymates [the latter with Jodie Forrest--and also her super book The Ascendant.] Arroyo uses the four elements as his starting point. If we understand the nature of the elements, then a lot of the more static check-list items of astrology make a lot more sense, because there is an explanation behind them.
Forrest looks at each planet, sign, and house as having a kind of goal or end-point. Each of them also has a kind of strategy or tool kit with which to accomplish its goal. So to use the Virgo example again, her end-point is simple: perfection. Her strategy/tool kit is a finely honed analytical ability and the genuine wish to be of service. So now the fussy Virgo stereotype may yield to a higher understanding; or if not, at least her fuss-budget traits become explainable.
Frankly I find these authors' process-oriented approach to be easier to learn than the cookbooks filled with innumerable "ingredients" without an apparent logic behind them.
As you know (but for other readers here) astrology provides a fairly simple template of elements (what is real for people?); modalities (cardinal/fixed/mutable), and ruling planets. So if Venus is the principle of attraction, and someone has Venus in Aquarius, we know that ideas are very real to him, and that he is likely to be fixed in his ideas. He is moreover liable to appear rather cool in his affections, thanks to Saturn (traditional) and/or Uranus (modern), as these are not warm, fuzzy planets. So here we have an explanation for Venus in Aquarius that gets "under the hood" of simply saying, "With Venus in Aquarius he is likely to be cold and unresponsive."
At an intermediate level, I think there is a lot more to be memorized, notably the planetary rulerships, but then again, I always want to ask why something should be the case: what is the logic behind it?
Re: couples astrology: Robert Hand, Planets in Composite would get my vote as "best cookbook."
BTW, I support your approach to looking at two people as individuals first and formost. Some folks are not cut out to be good partners/spouses, and no amount of dyn-o-mite synastry is going to make them super to live with.