Destroying myself - need help.

[LilianaS]

I'm not really sure where to post this, so please feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.

I need help. I'm trying to help myself and most days I manage to get by without breaking down into a mess of tears, but some days are really hard and I genuinely need help.

I fell in love with a man almost two years ago, and I've tried numerous times to break things off with him, but it feels like there is an invisible cord between us that keeps pulling us together. But together is not healthy and is not a relationship. It's just pain, and more pain.

So why not cut it off?

The problem is that I love this man the way a dog must love. With a blindness and intensity that has no logical explanation...and with a softness and a tenderness I've never felt before in my 40 years. I've seen heartbreak, but never like this.

I don't know what exactly is the problem astrologically, and why I would feel this way, but it's destroying me from the inside out. Other than a moon/sun conjunction, I don't see what could be connecting us that's ruining my mental health in this way.

What explains this? (You can see the synastry - I'm on the inside)
How do I get rid of it, so I can continue my life in peace? Because right now I don't know how people get through this sort of thing without dying.

Thank you kindly

 

[waybread]

Can you please re=post your chart showing the planets' degrees? Or leave the chart as-is, but post the aspectarian )table of aspects that came with it) that shows degrees and aspects. Degrees matter in astrology, once we move beyond a beginner leve.

I will say that sun conjunct moon is a powerful attractant. I'm sure there's more there, but I want to be accurate before going further.

 

[LilianaS]

For sure, thank you... I appreciate it.

I keep hoping that if I can just explain the situation in some logical sense, I could make sense of it and move on peacefully.

I feel like I'm trapped in a sadness I couldn't have imagined. It's as if this man's validation of my emotions ... the way he responds to me... is what I've been missing my whole life. I don't understand how to get over that.

 

[ElenaJ]

Just a few considerations.
Lilith on South Node can be one influence. South Node is what was left unfinished in an earlier lifetime.
Also, your full moon and his sun/moon trine are both being closely aspected by transiting Neptune at the moment.
This transit is strengthened by both of your natal Neptune's being involved as well.

Can you do a composite chart?

 

[LilianaS]

Here are the midpoint and davison. To me, they look wildly unimpressive. And the chiron contacts alone are enough to explain the amount of pain this quasi-relationship has caused.

I should have stopped it when it began, but it hooked into some deeply intimate part of my psyche and I couldn't let it go.

What it feeks like, actually, is like this man can see me. I mean, really see me. I had a 15 year marriage and I never felt that way.

 

[LilianaS]

Just a few considerations.
Lilith on South Node can be one influence. South Node is what was left unfinished in an earlier lifetime.
Also, your full moon and his sun/moon trine are both being closely aspected by transiting Neptune at the moment.
This transit is strengthened by both of your natal Neptune's being involved as well.

Can you do a composite chart?

Pffff I'm not surprised. Both the synastry and composites are full of Neptune. Why not throw on a little more? 🙄

 

[LilianaS]

But why are some relationships this way, and others go by hardly making a ripple?
If this contact with this man gives me some sort of emotional validation or whatever we can call it... how does a person go about getting that without ruining themselves in the process?

I feel stupid even writing this, honestly. I'm a grown adult. But some part of me needs what this man offers, with pain and all.
That's what I'm trying to get at - how does a person fix that?

 

[ElenaJ]

But why are some relationships this way, and others go by hardly making a ripple?
If this contact with this man gives me some sort of emotional validation or whatever we can call it... how does a person go about getting that without ruining themselves in the process?

I feel stupid even writing this, honestly. I'm a grown adult. But some part of me needs what this man offers, with pain and all.
That's what I'm trying to get at - how does a person fix that?

Two answers.
One is laid out in the relationship charts, especially in the composite where we see the sun/neptune conjunction, and the moon square the Saturn/pluto conjunction which can be captive and imprisoning on an emotional level.
The second, is to look inside your own chart, identify what is the missing link that this relationship, or possibly future others, is fulfilling.
What purpose is it serving in your life?
For example, if you are married, does it help by contrast to focus on areas of the marriage that need fixing?
Or, if you have been habitually sacrificing your self to others, characteristic of pisces, is this relationship creating the inner pain that makes you take a closer look at your negativity, pushing you towards a stronger self esteem?
Is the relationship acting as a mirror, helping you see yourself in a way you were never able to before?
Any relationship that impacts us has its purpose. Some can last an instant but pinpoint something we need to look at closer. Others may last longer in time, slowly molding and shaping our values and behaviour, often without our awareness.
If you are still feeling you cannot detach from him even though it is painful, this is a signal that you haven't finished learning the lesson laid out for you.
Neptune can delude, illude, but also increase psychic sensitivity.
The romance it weaves is very alluring and poetic, but this can lift just like fog does, and we then see the raw truth of things.

 

[Ecliptique]

Hello lilianeS,

you both probably think that a good relationship is difficult to achieve. You yourself seem to be convinced of this, as for him he is too impressionable. You want to be valued by him, and he has the conviction of what he must do. You yourself must avoid any fixed idea about the attention he does not pay to you. It looks like in mid-February 2024, things are calming down towards Love's Day!

Ecliptique.

 

[LilianaS]

Ahhhh!!! I wrote a long reply to Elena and also to Ecliptique, and then realized I'd been logged into my roommate's account by mistake - sharing a desktop AND a passion for astrology is messy apparently Then I went to try to post the replies again from my own account, and the clipboard had lost everything. I'm so sorry, ladies. Maybe you got my replies in your email? If not, I'll try to write them again tonight. So sorry.

 

[waybread]

Sun so closely conjunct Neptune in the composite suggests a huge amount of idealism, even a deeply spiritual quality. In synastry it can have several different types of expression, but one is a kind of victim/savior complex. Saturn square moon is a recipe for hurt (Saturn) feelings (moon.)

Your moon sun conjunction and sun sextile moon would give a lot of emotional bonding. But this doesn't mean the other person is good for you in other ways.

In trying to move on from a non-relationship that is only bringing you emotional pain, I think you are doing the right thing. You know how to shut the door, firmly. It's OK to slam it. Make sure he's clear that it's over, over, over. If he comes back, don't open it.

It is OK to grieve for a little while about the relationship. But basically moving on means looking after you, developing some new interests or spending more time on older ones. Make sure to put yourself out in situations where you will meet new people. When thoughts about him come up, mentally change the subject. You may never completely get over him, but you can think of this like a song you cannot get out of your head, but where you can turn down the volume so low that after a while you scarcely notice it.

And you are not alone. Where would the music business be without songs about unrequited love?

 

[Humanitarian]

I noticed the Vertex square South Node aspect in the composite chart and Venus conjunct both IC and South Node in the Davison chart of your couple, and both are recipes for a heavily karmic relationship, and your said that an invisible cord keeps both of you together although you really want to leave, and the cord is the South Node, since maybe you met your SO in your past life, but you haven't cleared all of your karma in that lifetime so your SO came back to you to help you learn a lesson that you haven't learnt yet from your past life

 

[Ecliptique]

Ahhhh!!! I wrote a long reply to Elena and also to Ecliptique, and then realized I'd been logged into my roommate's account by mistake - sharing a desktop AND a passion for astrology is messy apparently Then I went to try to post the replies again from my own account, and the clipboard had lost everything. I'm so sorry, ladies. Maybe you got my replies in your email? If not, I'll try to write them again tonight. So sorry.

Hello LilianeS,

now you can send me your personal message, if that was what you wanted to do.

Ecliptique.

 

[ElenaJ]

Ahhhh!!! I wrote a long reply to Elena and also to Ecliptique, and then realized I'd been logged into my roommate's account by mistake - sharing a desktop AND a passion for astrology is messy apparently Then I went to try to post the replies again from my own account, and the clipboard had lost everything. I'm so sorry, ladies. Maybe you got my replies in your email? If not, I'll try to write them again tonight. So sorry.

Mine came through thank you.

 

[LilianaS]

Sun so closely conjunct Neptune in the composite suggests a huge amount of idealism, even a deeply spiritual quality. In synastry it can have several different types of expression, but one is a kind of victim/savior complex. Saturn square moon is a recipe for hurt (Saturn) feelings (moon.)

Your moon sun conjunction and sun sextile moon would give a lot of emotional bonding. But this doesn't mean the other person is good for you in other ways.

In trying to move on from a non-relationship that is only bringing you emotional pain, I think you are doing the right thing. You know how to shut the door, firmly. It's OK to slam it. Make sure he's clear that it's over, over, over. If he comes back, don't open it.

It is OK to grieve for a little while about the relationship. But basically moving on means looking after you, developing some new interests or spending more time on older ones. Make sure to put yourself out in situations where you will meet new people. When thoughts about him come up, mentally change the subject. You may never completely get over him, but you can think of this like a song you cannot get out of your head, but where you can turn down the volume so low that after a while you scarcely notice it.

And you are not alone. Where would the music business be without songs about unrequited love?

Thank you, Waybread. I appreciate that. I guess you're right. I'm certainly not the only person crying in the middle of the night over a difficult love.

I've had several lengthy relationships, but never with a sun/moon conjunction or even a positive sun/moon aspect. I usually fall into moon-square-moon-type relationships, or moon-square-sun, moon inconjunct-moon (like with my ex-husband) - in these types of relationships, it becomes clear easily that the incompatibility is at an emotional level, which at least I know how to deal with. With my ex-husband, we just bypassed the emotional incompatibility by talking and rationalizing our way through it. It worked for a very long time.

But in this case, the emotional and physical compatibility is off the charts. It's something else, something I'm clearly not used to, that has gone off the rails. And while it's flying off the rails, the compatibility is still there, you know? Palpable. It's awful.

 

[LilianaS]

I noticed the Vertex square South Node aspect in the composite chart and Venus conjunct both IC and South Node in the Davison chart of your couple, and both are recipes for a heavily karmic relationship, and your said that an invisible cord keep both of you together although you really want to leave, and the cord is the South Node, since maybe you met your SO in your past life, but you haven't cleared all of your karma in that lifetime so your SO came back to you to help you learn a lesson that you haven't learnt yet from your past life

Thank you, Humanitarian. I noticed the south node connections as well. Perhaps it explains why I've always felt like I'm home when I'm around him. An almost-physical familiarity that I'm not used to.

The problem is that this lifetime didn't come with a manual to lay out the current lessons in progress... so I'm just fumbling through this one, trying to figure out what exactly the universe wants me to learn.

I've considered that maybe the lesson is about letting go...
and also considered that maybe it's about relaxing my tall expectations of people and of love and letting go of my need to control everything...

...but again, I'm like a child fumbling through it.

 

[waybread]

LilianaS, I think the question is whether this man is good for you or not. Your OP suggests not.

This is for you -- not me -- to say, but I wonder if you fear being solo. We see women on this forum for whom an awful relationship seems better than no relationship.

We also don't know what is his side of the story. Do you?

One thing I notice is that both of you have sun square Neptune. This aspect can play havoc with one's self image (sun). Neptune can be the visionary or the escapist, the victim or the savior, the beautiful illusion or bitter disillusionment. It misses the reality in between.

Sometimes people with a weak self-image look to another person for validation. Even a mirror that is negative can feel safer than having no mirror.

There is also a kind of man who is fascinated by the hard-to-get woman. But once she succumbs to his charms, the chase is over and he pulls back because he doesn't want a lot of emotionally entangled commitment. Finally after a lot of tears, she gets over him. That's when he comes back because the chase is on again. This is not a winning situation for her.

People can change. I've seen it happen. But if someone gets a benefit out of negative behavior, there isn't the incentive.

I think you deserve someone stable who genuinely makes you happy.

Oh, and please don't compare yourself to a dog. I get the allusion, but that kind of thinking would be hard on anyone's morale.

 

[Lin]

If you were emotionally compatible you would not be crying and trying to end it....

It's always Neptune. Neptune is this: '' blindness and intensity''

Add to this the belief which comes from the incredible "Sun conj Moon" aspect....which will never end unless you end it.
There is nothing in the charts which leads me to believe you could ever have a healthy, compatible relationship as two individualized people.

it's really up to you. If you like being a masochist....which maybe you are...maybe you feel pain is better than nothing...well, no one can help you.
If you have one iota of faith in your future...faith in anything in the future...or in your own individualized personal power, you will end this. If not, it will be more of the same indefinitely.
Linda

 

[LilianaS]

LilianaS, I think the question is whether this man is good for you or not. Your OP suggests not.

This is for you -- not me -- to say, but I wonder if you fear being solo. We see women on this forum for whom an awful relationship seems better than no relationship.

We also don't know what is his side of the story. Do you?

One thing I notice is that both of you have sun square Neptune. This aspect can play havoc with one's self image (sun). Neptune can be the visionary or the escapist, the victim or the savior, the beautiful illusion or bitter disillusionment. It misses the reality in between.

Sometimes people with a weak self-image look to another person for validation. Even a mirror that is negative can feel safer than having no mirror.

There is also a kind of man who is fascinated by the hard-to-get woman. But once she succumbs to his charms, the chase is over and he pulls back because he doesn't want a lot of emotionally entangled commitment. Finally after a lot of tears, she gets over him. That's when he comes back because the chase is on again. This is not a winning situation for her.

People can change. I've seen it happen. But if someone gets a benefit out of negative behavior, there isn't the incentive.

I think you deserve someone stable who genuinely makes you happy.

Oh, and please don't compare yourself to a dog. I get the allusion, but that kind of thinking would be hard on anyone's morale.

Maybe, Waybread... maybe I'm a little afraid of being solo. I'm not used to it, I suppose. But I've been lucky to be loved by good, decent men overall - or maybe it's simply been choice, and I've never pursued serious relationships with shitty men. So in that sense, I think I've been fortunate.

Well, yes... I do know his side of the story, and I suppose for this reason I go back and forth on what to do about this man. We got involved together in the middle of a very difficult time in our lives, and it's shown in the amount of stress it's put on both of us to make things 'work' between us. Maybe we're both just hooked on the idea of saving this ship before it goes down.

Don't worry, I don't feel like a dog - I felt the need to explain things the way I saw them. What I meant was 'unconditionally'... the way I imagine a dog would love. In a previous relationship, I was with a man who loved me very much (as I loved him), but who in the end told me that perhaps my problem was that I just didn't know how to love unconditionally. It seems the universe has a way of showing you what you've been missing out on

... and yes, I agree. I would like to be involved with someone more stable. You're definitley right about that.

Thank you again. You've given me a lot to consider, and I really appreciate it.

 

[LilianaS]

If you were emotionally compatible you would not be crying and trying to end it....

It's always Neptune. Neptune is this: '' blindness and intensity''

Add to this the belief which comes from the incredible "Sun conj Moon" aspect....which will never end unless you end it.
There is nothing in the charts which leads me to believe you could ever have a healthy, compatible relationship as two individualized people.

it's really up to you. If you like being a masochist....which maybe you are...maybe you feel pain is better than nothing...well, no one can help you.
If you have one iota of faith in your future...faith in anything in the future...or in your own individualized personal power, you will end this. If not, it will be more of the same indefinitely.
Linda

Thank you, Lin.

That's tough, but fair.

"Add to this the belief which comes from the incredible "Sun conj Moon" aspect....which will never end unless you end it." - Are you being serious about this part? That's a bit scary. I will give this some serious thought.

I think you're right, there is a part of me that's victimizing myself through this situation. This is why I asked for help. I felt like I'd been spinning my wheels trying to figure it out myself and was starting to get the sense that maybe I was a large part of the problem.

Thank you