Can someone read my chart . . . please ?

miquar

Well-known member
That's actually a nice way to put it. I like the way your writing/typing style miquar

I just realised there was something else I forgot to mention , even though I enjoy life (most of the time) I often think to myself ; what now ?. Yes you're alive and life is good . . . but what now ? I often question my own existence. Whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing I just haven't found it yet . . . or am I just supposed to live ? These are the questions/thoughts that run from my head often

I think I would like to study psychology from afar but even if I would't even dream about going down that career path. I'll add it to my weekend list.

Thanks Forum Member.

Its not surprising that you have that 'what now' thing going on for you. It will probably always be there. Its largely reflected in your birth chart by the Sagittarius emphasis, and especially the Mars-Jupiter conjunction in this sign. Uranus being quite closely semisquare Venus and quintile Mercury also suggests a tendency to think about change.

The Scorpio emphasis is also relevant, since this sign cannot simply take things at face value. For Scorpio, death and rebirth is the only way to feel alive at all, so questioning your existence is very much connected with your Scorpio side.

Whether or not you actually study psychology formally or as a hobby, you will always tend to study the psychology of the people around you, and develop your natural ability to do this. With an emphasis on both Scorpio and Sagittarius, its in your nature to try to find out what binds us all together - how things move and inspire us all because they touch something inside us that we all share. In order to keep this in moderation, one of your challenges is to recognise the validity of your needs as an individual - an issue which has been touched on during the thread, and which seems to be encapsulated by your forum name.

Do remember that Moon in Leo in the 11th. You need to give yourself permission to indulge it to some extent in order to be properly nourished, and also so that you can fulfil your potential to tune into and nurture changes in the collective which will make it easier for others to also express their uniqueness.
 

Rajarshi

Well-known member
I can't help feeling a little bit skeptical but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt , you've been helpful so I trust you to some degree.

I almost decided to get this one instead


I have seen the alternative. present one is good ( because of originality of yours), far better than the alternative.
 

kshantaram

Premium Member
I managed to find it , this chart seems to have a node , it's in Libra. Of course I have no idea what that means but I have a good feeling about it. I'll edit the OP and add some more information.

attachment.php


Mr Forum,

libra asc well composed but turbulent mind, artistic aptitudes, balanced objective outlook, wavery decision making, sociable. prone to stormy anger when provoked.

moon over leo 10th/inimical for libra asc, high self-pride, sensitive, individualistic, career under stress and delays. stress contained by trine aspect from jup. mars debilated aspect over cancer 10th impacting career.

rahu libra asc dazzling personality. ketu aries 7th impulsive and indifferent towards relationship. transit rahu-ketu have just moved to natal rahu-ketu libra-aries.


lord 9th mer for luck and higher learnings over scorpio, sun-mer scorpio, occult and research aptitude; scorpio reserved and sentimental, may be earnings through occult/research or teaching thereof. sun-mer oratory skills. sun highest planetary deg scorpio, flair of the personality.

currently saturn transit scorpio sq moon over sun-mer could impact family-finances-health, while may promote occult-research aptitudes.
past 1.5yr saturn-rahu transit sun-mer scorpio, under stress.


jupiter-mars-venus 3rd sag, philosophical, optimistic, ambitious, sportive, impulsive, artistic aptitudes, advisory-counseling roles, creative communications, directorship thereof. jupiter 2nd highest planetary deg sag 3rd, factor for vocation.

mars lord 9th from moon 5th trine from moon 3rd sag jup-mars-venus conj, good for luck, communications, writings, arts, directorship, etc

pisces 6th inclined to teaching-advisory roles in sensitive ethical work environments.

currently jupiter transit elevated cancer 10th scraping through career issues, jupiter lord 6th for hurdles. next jupiter moves to moon inimical leo career-income growth under stress, may be govt/corporate roles.


moon 10th inclined to public appeal, public administration, nurturing leadership although individualistic in style, and under stress.

saturn retro towards own acq 5th, technical and innovative reformist aptitudes, admin roles may be in technical-reformist environments.

retro saturn 6th could negate employment prospects, while good for recovery from health issues probably.

retro saturn acq and moon leo opposition, under emotional stress.


lords 1/7 mars-venus conjunct inclined to relationships more through mere attractions, hope jupiter conjunct moderates tending to philosophical, seeking philosophical divine beauty. mars lord 7th over sag 9th from the 7th, spouse could be lucky/bring luck. jupiter trines-aspects aries 7th protective of relationship.


hope generic observations enable take stock of the chart and transits, reflect further, find relevant and useful enough - could share specific feedbacks in agreement/disagreement.

wishing well,


kshantaram
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
Thanks Forum Member.

Its not surprising that you have that 'what now' thing going on for you. It will probably always be there. Its largely reflected in your birth chart by the Sagittarius emphasis, and especially the Mars-Jupiter conjunction in this sign. Uranus being quite closely semisquare Venus and quintile Mercury also suggests a tendency to think about change.

The Scorpio emphasis is also relevant, since this sign cannot simply take things at face value. For Scorpio, death and rebirth is the only way to feel alive at all, so questioning your existence is very much connected with your Scorpio side.

Whether or not you actually study psychology formally or as a hobby, you will always tend to study the psychology of the people around you, and develop your natural ability to do this. With an emphasis on both Scorpio and Sagittarius, its in your nature to try to find out what binds us all together - how things move and inspire us all because they touch something inside us that we all share. In order to keep this in moderation, one of your challenges is to recognise the validity of your needs as an individual - an issue which has been touched on during the thread, and which seems to be encapsulated by your forum name.

Do remember that Moon in Leo in the 11th. You need to give yourself permission to indulge it to some extent in order to be properly nourished, and also so that you can fulfil your potential to tune into and nurture changes in the collective which will make it easier for others to also express their uniqueness.

No need to thank me , you're a word smith through and through and you set a good example.

As long as I keep myself busy I usually don't think about , if I don't have enough work to do I know I'll want to leave and find something else to do or just zone out completely.

The whole death and rebirth thing is when you change yourself from the inside right ? if so I think i've done it before , I'll explain in my next Post to kshantaram and kill two birds.

You got that right but I used to go about it the wrong way , I used to try and find out what would get people riled up. I just loved to rub people up the wrong way back then and I used to be very good at it aswell but now I've changed my attention to their sense of humor and I try to find out what types of topics make people laugh and which topics just make them smile. That will be a challenge for me , I have no idea what I need or want other than death. I don't fear death but I'm not suicidal just curious . . .

I think I will give in to that moon but the one thing that's holding me back is education. In my opinion the education system stifles creativity , any attempt to be creative is just ignored or punished. I'm glad i'm getting out for good soon. My mum was right when she said that I've had enough of education.
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
I have seen the alternative. present one is good ( because of originality of yours), far better than the alternative.

alright , i'm convinced. I think I have a good eye for pictures. I usually spend at least half an hour looking for the best one for work or personal use and I actually enjoy searching for images aswell.
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
Mr Forum,

libra asc well composed but turbulent mind, artistic aptitudes, balanced objective outlook, wavery decision making, sociable. prone to stormy anger when provoked.

moon over leo 10th/inimical for libra asc, high self-pride, sensitive, individualistic, career under stress and delays. stress contained by trine aspect from jup. mars debilated aspect over cancer 10th impacting career.

rahu libra asc dazzling personality. ketu aries 7th impulsive and indifferent towards relationship. transit rahu-ketu have just moved to natal rahu-ketu libra-aries.

lord 9th mer for luck and higher learnings over scorpio, sun-mer scorpio, occult and research aptitude; scorpio reserved and sentimental, may be earnings through occult/research or teaching thereof. sun-mer oratory skills. sun highest planetary deg scorpio, flair of the personality.

currently saturn transit scorpio sq moon over sun-mer could impact family-finances-health, while may promote occult-research aptitudes.
past 1.5yr saturn-rahu transit sun-mer scorpio, under stress.


jupiter-mars-venus 3rd sag, philosophical, optimistic, ambitious, sportive, impulsive, artistic aptitudes, advisory-counseling roles, creative communications, directorship thereof. jupiter 2nd highest planetary deg sag 3rd, factor for vocation.

mars lord 9th from moon 5th trine from moon 3rd sag jup-mars-venus conj, good for luck, communications, writings, arts, directorship, etc

pisces 6th inclined to teaching-advisory roles in sensitive ethical work environments.

currently jupiter transit elevated cancer 10th scraping through career issues, jupiter lord 6th for hurdles. next jupiter moves to moon inimical leo career-income growth under stress, may be govt/corporate roles.

moon 10th inclined to public appeal, public administration, nurturing leadership although individualistic in style, and under stress.

saturn retro towards own acq 5th, technical and innovative reformist aptitudes, admin roles may be in technical-reformist environments.

retro saturn 6th could negate employment prospects, while good for recovery from health issues probably.

retro saturn acq and moon leo opposition, under emotional stress.


lords 1/7 mars-venus conjunct inclined to relationships more through mere attractions, hope jupiter conjunct moderates tending to philosophical, seeking philosophical divine beauty. mars lord 7th over sag 9th from the 7th, spouse could be lucky/bring luck. jupiter trines-aspects aries 7th protective of relationship.

hope generic observations enable take stock of the chart and transits, reflect further, find relevant and useful enough - could share specific feedbacks in agreement/disagreement.

Mr forum ? hmm . . . I like that that , I like that a lot

I appreciate any and all feedback about my chart , I agree with most of the things you've mentioned and now I'll begin to elaborate.

I'm well composed almost all the time abut as you said my mind is always racing even when i'm trying to sleep it just never seems to rest unless i'm distracted. As for being artistic I think that's completely wrong , I can digitally edit an image but that's as far as I go. The only thing I've ever drawn well is a landscape full of mountains ect. but I've never really tried to practice and get better. Decision making I agree with , if i'm given a choice I would rather take both or all options if possible otherwise it will take me all day to come up with a final decision if my instinct doesn't kick in. Sociable ? one word sums that up , nope. I used to be prone to my anger but then one day (in my early teens) I sat down and thought to my self , it went something like this:

Hey , why are you always so quick to throw punches ?
Because they deserve it , they wronged me so they have to pay !
Ok . .. ok and what did they to to wrong you ?
It was nothing much . . . (I remember I went after someone full force because they stepped on my hat by accident)
So do you think you should get angry over something so small ?
Of course ! , like I said they deserve it
Why ?
I don't know . . .
There must be some reason why you fight . . .
Well I enjoy harming others
You know it's not good to be sadistic right ?
Obviously I know that , I feel guilt afterwards you know
And why do you feel guilt ?
Because . . . because it's wrong to fight ?
Not necessarily . . .
Because it's wrong to fight without a good cause !
Yeah ! , now you're getting it !. Next time you get angry I want you to think. Is it worth it ?
Yeah , I'll do that
Good. But we're not done yet . . .
(the "conversation" went on like that for most of the day but now I just think to myself is it worth it ? whenever I want to throw myself at someone and it works. Ever since that day i've been as cold as ice)

I only have pride when I managed to accomplish something , I feel like I have to earn my pride. I don't really think i'm sensitive , nothing really affects me. I'm not individualistic . . . yet. I haven't started my career yet either so that doesn't affect me right now.

My apologies , I would like to give feedback to the rest tomorrow. After 8 hours of staring at screens my brain is starting to give up and I can't think well when I'm like a zombie. I'll try to be up early tomorrow and finish this A.S.A.P.
 

miquar

Well-known member
Hi. Thanks for all the interesting stuff you've shared. It's especially illuminating about some of the ways that Scorpio energy can be expressed.

There does seem to be a very strong sense of justice shown in the chart, with the Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius emphasis, including the Mars-Jupiter conjunction. But it seems that for the moment, this is being expressed from quite a self-protective standpoint. Scorpio is especially prone to this because it is a water sign. Perhaps the lower hemisphere emphasis is also relevant to your subjective approach to justice.

In time you will probably relax this tendency, and this will bring out the potential to be sociable which kshantaram noted. You will feel more fulfilled generally as you relax in this way. Of course you will be ambivalent about this process. On the one hand you long to embrace your fellow humanity. On the other hand you feel that you must be on guard against being humiliated, exploited or controlled, and that to lower your defenses would be stupid. To shift the emphasis from the latter to the former - that is the rebirth that you really yearn for in your heart. It is really a series of rebirths over time. Each time you resist the urge to lash out, and instead hold your frustration in your awareness without acting it out, and each time you show true courage by choosing humility over bravado, you will experience another rebirth.

If you find yourself kind of rehearsing scenarios in your imagination, you can also use this to try different ways of dealing with certain situations and see how you feel.

Remember that the compulsion to battle with something means that the thing has great power over you, and that empowerment doesn't come from destroying that thing. Empowerment is being able choose to fight or not as appropriate.

Thanks again for your openness - you've created a very interesting thread.
 
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Forum Member

Well-known member
Hi. Thanks for all the interesting stuff you've shared. It's especially illuminating about some of the ways that Scorpio energy can be expressed.

There does seem to be a very strong sense of justice shown in the chart, with the Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius emphasis, including the Mars-Jupiter conjunction. But it seems that for the moment, this is being expressed from quite a self-protective standpoint. Scorpio is especially prone to this because it is a water sign. Perhaps the lower hemisphere emphasis is also relevant to your subjective approach to justice.

In time you will probably relax this tendency, and this will bring out the potential to be sociable which kshantaram noted. You will feel more fulfilled generally as you relax in this way. Of course you will be ambivalent about this process. On the one hand you long to embrace your fellow humanity. On the other hand you feel that you must be on guard against being humiliated, exploited or controlled, and that to lower your defenses would be stupid. To shift the emphasis from the latter to the former - that is the rebirth that you really yearn for in your heart. It is really a series of rebirths over time. Each time you resist the urge to lash out, and instead hold your frustration in your awareness without acting it out, and each time you show true courage by choosing humility over bravado, you will experience another rebirth.

If you find yourself kind of rehearsing scenarios in your imagination, you can also use this to try different ways of dealing with certain situations and see how you feel.

Remember that the compulsion to battle with something means that the thing has great power over you, and that empowerment doesn't come from destroying that thing. Empowerment is being able choose to fight or not as appropriate.

Thanks again for your openness - you've created a very interesting thread.

Please don't thank me miquar (please don't take this the wrong way but I find it hard to take any kind of compliment or praise it makes me feel . . . awkward , sorry I don't mean to be rude) I was just following my instinct. It feels right to share with you guys. Well I hope that this thread has helped people learn a bit more about scorpios , my energy feels near limitless at times . . .

I hope I can relax eventually. Right any male I see is a target and I'll size them up and think about how I would take them on in a fight. Any female I see is a distraction which I try to avoid as best I can. If that really is true about me holding onto my frustration that means i've been through quite a lot of rebirths then and I remember my self changing slightly after each one. I've tried using my imagination to deal with a situation before . . . after what (almost) happened I don't think I should do it again.

I will remember your wise words about empowerment

I think I've been a little too open , any who has read this thread thoroughly now knows a lot more about me than my close family and friends. Are you sure this thread is interesting ? , I find it interesting to learn about myself and reflect on the past but I don't see how other people would.
 

miquar

Well-known member
Hi. The sense of limitless energy is quite Scorpio but also to do with Mars conjunct Jupiter in Sagittarius.

It would be worth you trying to figure out why you feel awkward when people express gratitude to you. I think that this could be relevant to relaxing your defenses further. Perhaps the awkwardness arises because you yearn to really connect with others, but are afraid that this would end in humiliation and rejection. So you pretend to yourself that you are happy as you are - but then someone reminds you of what you long for. When I expressed my gratitude for your openness and honesty, did you not also feel a warm glow somewhere inside?

I mentioned the imagination thing because when there is so much fire and water in a chart the native tends to self-mythologise. You may imagine fictional situations which somehow portray issues which are real for you. If so, you could experiment with imagining different kinds of endings. Rebirths can occur through such imagining if the feelings which arise are fully felt, just as in a real scenario. Of course an imagined situation would be less risky because you would not be exposed to possible ridicule from others. Letting your imagination run away with you in a vengeful direction in response to a real or imagined scenario is a very different thing and does not do justice to the transformative power of fire and water. But I'm sure you can sense the difference.
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
rahu libra asc dazzling personality. ketu aries 7th impulsive and indifferent towards relationship. transit rahu-ketu have just moved to natal rahu-ketu libra-aries.

lord 9th mer for luck and higher learnings over scorpio, sun-mer scorpio, occult and research aptitude; scorpio reserved and sentimental, may be earnings through occult/research or teaching thereof. sun-mer oratory skills. sun highest planetary deg scorpio, flair of the personality.

currently saturn transit scorpio sq moon over sun-mer could impact family-finances-health, while may promote occult-research aptitudes.
past 1.5yr saturn-rahu transit sun-mer scorpio, under stress.


jupiter-mars-venus 3rd sag, philosophical, optimistic, ambitious, sportive, impulsive, artistic aptitudes, advisory-counseling roles, creative communications, directorship thereof. jupiter 2nd highest planetary deg sag 3rd, factor for vocation.

mars lord 9th from moon 5th trine from moon 3rd sag jup-mars-venus conj, good for luck, communications, writings, arts, directorship, etc

pisces 6th inclined to teaching-advisory roles in sensitive ethical work environments.

currently jupiter transit elevated cancer 10th scraping through career issues, jupiter lord 6th for hurdles. next jupiter moves to moon inimical leo career-income growth under stress, may be govt/corporate roles.

moon 10th inclined to public appeal, public administration, nurturing leadership although individualistic in style, and under stress.

saturn retro towards own acq 5th, technical and innovative reformist aptitudes, admin roles may be in technical-reformist environments.

retro saturn 6th could negate employment prospects, while good for recovery from health issues probably.

retro saturn acq and moon leo opposition, under emotional stress.

lords 1/7 mars-venus conjunct inclined to relationships more through mere attractions, hope jupiter conjunct moderates tending to philosophical, seeking philosophical divine beauty. mars lord 7th over sag 9th from the 7th, spouse could be lucky/bring luck. jupiter trines-aspects aries 7th protective of relationship.

hope generic observations enable take stock of the chart and transits, reflect further, find relevant and useful enough - could share specific feedbacks in agreement/disagreement.

Continued as promised

I don't really thin I have a dazzling personality but that's down to other people's opinion so I wouldn't know about that. I'm always serious about any relationship I never take them lightly.

As for luck i'm usually in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm always reserved but it does help me with my research because no one will bother me.

I agree with all of the "jupiter-mars-venus 3rd sag" comments expect for being sportive , I used to be but now I just have no morale to get back into shape.

Many people come to me for advice but I can't imagine myself going for a job like that especially teaching. I don't mind children , I only dislike them when they're being silly in their large groups.

Again thanks for the feedback and If you want me to explain my points further let me know.
 

miquar

Well-known member
I don't mind children , I only dislike them when they're being silly in their large groups.

This could be connected to what I've been saying about you being ambivalent about feeling connected with humanity, or some section of it. There could be some envy and fear in this perception of large groups of children excited by being together.
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
Hi. The sense of limitless energy is quite Scorpio but also to do with Mars conjunct Jupiter in Sagittarius.

It would be worth you trying to figure out why you feel awkward when people express gratitude to you. I think that this could be relevant to relaxing your defenses further. Perhaps the awkwardness arises because you yearn to really connect with others, but are afraid that this would end in humiliation and rejection. So you pretend to yourself that you are happy as you are - but then someone reminds you of what you long for. When I expressed my gratitude for your openness and honesty, did you not also feel a warm glow somewhere inside?

I mentioned the imagination thing because when there is so much fire and water in a chart the native tends to self-mythologise. You may imagine fictional situations which somehow portray issues which are real for you. If so, you could experiment with imagining different kinds of endings. Rebirths can occur through such imagining if the feelings which arise are fully felt, just as in a real scenario. Of course an imagined situation would be less risky because you would not be exposed to possible ridicule from others. Letting your imagination run away with you in a vengeful direction in response to a real or imagined scenario is a very different thing and does not do justice to the transformative power of fire and water. But I'm sure you can sense the difference.

I think you're right about that it could be important. Rejection and humiliation are factors but I think there's something else aswell but I'm not sure . . . I can deal with rejection , in fact I like it when people outright reject me and say they don't like me. I like their honesty and I think it's fun to have those people around. Humiliation is a lot harder to deal with. People often try to mimic my voice (yes my voice is deeper than most , yes I'm a bit of a cokney cockney so my colloquialism/phrases are strange to some. At least my non-verbal communication is always formal but they just can't get over it) they really have no idea how it makes me feel. Recently a teacher done this to me , put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day but I decided to take it all out on the keyboard and managed to get a lot of work done while my mind was full of rage.

About that warm glow , I think I felt it . . . at least a little bit. But it's hard to tell because I shrug that feeling off as fast as possible. I don't really like that feeling. And about the imagination I think I should try to give it a go but it always seems to go in the vengeful direction , the thoughts I have there worry me and scare me slightly. I don't remember myself ever imagining something positive. I do have precognition dreams sometimes but they are just neutral. I sense the difference and I know it's wrong but sometimes I enjoy what I'm doing.
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
This could be connected to what I've been saying about you being ambivalent about feeling connected with humanity, or some section of it. There could be some envy and fear in this perception of large groups of children excited by being together.

You're right about that , I do feel small tinges of envy when I see them all happy together and I usually just scowl and try to retreat to my inner-self to block out their laughter. One thing i've noticed about myself is that I find it hard to talk to friends when my other friends are around , I can talk to them just fine one on one but when others come sometimes I just don't take part in the conversation altogether.

I don't fear groups but I do fear pack mentality , I've never been one to follow a crowd unless I know that I can benefit from it.
 

miquar

Well-known member
Hi. I would try to using your imagination to play with different responses to threatening situations. Vengeful responses satisfy a certain need in you - a need to avoid humiliation at all costs. But in the safety of your own imaginal world, you can take some risks and allow some difficult feelings to enter more fully into your awareness. If you like, you could post a scenario - either real or imagined - and we can discuss why you chose the response that you chose, and how other responses might feel. You might also want to reflect on early experiences of humiliation which have played a part in your current way of approaching life. Again, feel free to do that on this thread if you'd like to discuss any such experiences with others in a safe 'space'.
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
Hi. I would try to using your imagination to play with different responses to threatening situations. Vengeful responses satisfy a certain need in you - a need to avoid humiliation at all costs. But in the safety of your own imaginal world, you can take some risks and allow some difficult feelings to enter more fully into your awareness. If you like, you could post a scenario - either real or imagined - and we can discuss why you chose the response that you chose, and how other responses might feel. You might also want to reflect on early experiences of humiliation which have played a part in your current way of approaching life. Again, feel free to do that on this thread if you'd like to discuss any such experiences with others in a safe 'space'.

This actually sounds like a good idea , I remember two early experiences of humiliation/rejection. I can't remember them that well but I almost forgot about them completely (like they're repressed memories) so the details aren't perfect.

Ok so the first one. I was very young at the time so I don't remember what lower school year I was in. So I was talking to my sister and said to her that there was this girl I really liked and she basically just told me to do something about so I did just that. I had to steel myself (I thought come on be a man you can do this!) before I walked round that corner and asked the question. We were getting along well the last few days so I buttered her up first and then asked her the question. But she didn't say anything , she was too shy and I was overconfident. After a few minutes of awkward silence I walked away fuming , not only had she rejected and humiliated me she didn't even have the courage to just say no. That would've made it feel a lot better for me.

That moment was the biggest blow to my self-confidence I can remember and i've never approached another girl like that since then. I always think why would she want me ? and I think of most girls only as friends after that, no love interest at all. It happened about 10 years ago but I still haven't given up. There's a part of me that still wants to be with her.

And now for the second one. Back when my granddad was still with his woman a few years back. Me and my sister would visit from time to time and my mum would stay at home or go to work , I didn't mind staying with her and him. It was quite boring but there was a TV and a fish tank to keep me distracted. But then her daughter came by one day and dropped off her son , he was a real spoiled brat and he just wouldn't leave me alone. Every time he came round the same thing was inevitable , we would always end up trading blow. I always swung first but that's what he wanted so he could look innocent and smile while I got in trouble.

Now that the scene is more or less set I'll get to the important part. The rejection/humiliation came one day when he was upstairs one day. My curiosity got the better of me so I went upstairs to see what he was doing. He was in a room with her son and her son's friend. I realised that they were playing on console together and thought that would be good to cure cure the boredom so I opened the door and her son just told me to go away , he didn't even give me a chance. I have to admit that hurt , we were supposed to be like family. I didn't even want to play. I just wanted to sit , watch and talk. After that I closed the door and slumped down against a wall , it felt like I just took a dagger to the chest. After that I almost shed a tear . . . almost but I picked myself up and went back downstairs.

(it's a pity you can't swear on this forum)

As for her son he better not look at me , think about me or breathe my air. If I had an option to press a button to save his life I wouldn't even consider doing it. Our ties were cut when his mum died so I have no reason to care about him but if I see him again i'll consider giving him a quick right jab to the eye . he'll never see it coming. And as for her daughter's son he makes me happy . . . when I think about all the things I want to do to him. I would love to drag him over to a curb and kick his face into it until he has no teeth left to smile at me with and after that I would just keep on kicking. . . honestly if I ever got my hands on him again I might kill him or at least try to. . . I don't know yet.

I can't believe I almost forgot about these events ! it's the second one thats got me pumped !. I'm so full a rage and a twisted kind of happiness right now. I need to start doing some exercise , unfortunately I don't have any weights but some push ups and sit ups will do. I thought about vengeance for a long time and somehow forgot about it and now those thoughts have returned. It's been so long that I've forgotten his name but I know I can find out.

My energy is sky high right now ! I've got so much energy to burn ! anyway I need to go and workout now.
 

miquar

Well-known member
Hi. I can see that those events hit you really hard and left a deep wound in your psyche. But, and I say this respectfully and without any kind of judgement, you seem to have already been very sensitive to feeling humiliated prior to either of these events. This is no doubt due in part to a predisposition that you were born with, but this may have been exacerbated by experiences of being parented. I use the expression 'experience of being parented' as this takes into account the actual actions and vibes of your parents, and also the way in which you perceived these actions and vibes selectively according to your natural predisposition.

It might be worth you casting your mind back a little further to your early home life. Humiliation may have been a feature of your experience of that.

You might also want to take yourself back to the memories of slumping behind the closed door, and of waiting for the girl to answer. Beneath the anger, what feelings are/were there? They will probably manifest along with uncomfortable body sensations. Its ok the allow this turmoil to just be there. Its ok to cry. Its just you and the feelings. Forget about everyone else. This is your emotional workout - it will make you much stronger, but 'no pain: no gain' as you gymnites like to sometimes say. You feel good after a physical workout yes? You'll feel good after an emotional workout too. And you'll be proud to be who you are, because no matter what our predisposition and circumstances, we choose whether we respond in a life-affirming way or not.
 

Forum Member

Well-known member
Hi. I can see that those events hit you really hard and left a deep wound in your psyche. But, and I say this respectfully and without any kind of judgement, you seem to have already been very sensitive to feeling humiliated prior to either of these events. This is no doubt due in part to a predisposition that you were born with, but this may have been exacerbated by experiences of being parented. I use the expression 'experience of being parented' as this takes into account the actual actions and vibes of your parents, and also the way in which you perceived these actions and vibes selectively according to your natural predisposition.

It might be worth you casting your mind back a little further to your early home life. Humiliation may have been a feature of your experience of that.

You might also want to take yourself back to the memories of slumping behind the closed door, and of waiting for the girl to answer. Beneath the anger, what feelings are/were there? They will probably manifest along with uncomfortable body sensations. Its ok the allow this turmoil to just be there. Its ok to cry. Its just you and the feelings. Forget about everyone else. This is your emotional workout - it will make you much stronger, but 'no pain: no gain' as you gymnites like to sometimes say. You feel good after a physical workout yes? You'll feel good after an emotional workout too. And you'll be proud to be who you are, because no matter what our predisposition and circumstances, we choose whether we respond in a life-affirming way or not.

Yeah . . . yeah you're right. I remember now further back what it was like with my sister and my dad. Those two almost used to laugh at me any chance they got , I felt like I was treated as the family joke. I remember there was a time I managed to catch a cricket in a small capsule , I really liked insects back then. But my sister must of told my dad because he came in to my room later on. He opened up the capsule and said something like "is this your pet ? , that thing is ugly !" they both started laughing at me. I don't remember what he did with the cricket though , I think he killed it. And there there was the one time in my life where I tried to get his attention. We were looking for our missing cat and as we went out I fell in on the path in front of the house. I tried to make the fall look worse than it was but I back fired and he just rode off with my sister. I just wanted to spend a few minutes with him but ended up looking like a weakling. And my mum wasn't any better . . .

There's a few more things than this but I have trouble remembering them properly. But I do remember a time when my "friend" abandoned me , I thought he was my friend but the one time he could of been at my side he ran away but I stood my ground like a man.

There wasn't a girl in the room , there were three boys. I remember that I was feeling betrayal and a mixture of loneliness and disappointment other than that i'm not too sure , it's hard to remember. Wait , Miquar . . . are you saying that I should cry ?. If so I'm not too keen on that , i'm on the verge now but it's been a long time . . . I just don't want to cry . . . well I want to but . . . I don't know
 

miquar

Well-known member
Sure. If you cried as a child you probably more often than not got laughed at even more. So you learned not to show any weakness, and you eventually taught yourself not to even be aware of your upset. I'm not condoning the cruel behaviour of your family, but the chances are that they were just on 'automatic pilot' - not even thinking about what they were doing to you. My guess is that all of you carry a sense of vulnerability, but that your parents and your sister tried to pretend that they didn't. But when they perceived you as being vulnerable it reminded them of this hidden part of themselves, and so they reacted very defensively. Its pathetic if you think about it - they tried to prove that they were strong by being cowardly bullies. Your wounds are closer to the surface than theirs - more raw - because they poked and prodded your wounds as a distraction from their own. But this puts you in a good position because you can heal your wound and become a solid and self-assured, and yet sensitive and truly alive, human being. Your family members may not ever even admit to themselves that they are wounded, in which case they will live out their lives behind a protective shield. I don't envy them.

So anyway, this habit of trying not to cry was very useful when you were younger, but now it has outlived its usefulness. Now the habit is holding you back. You need to grieve for the family - for the childhood - that you needed but didn't get. You need to wash away the pain of the past with floods of tears, but its not the tears themselves which are healing - it is allowing the feelings to flow through you that will free you from the compulsion to defend yourself against humiliation at all costs, and from your sense that you are lacking in some way.

Do you realise how far you've come during this thread? Next time you feel vengeful towards someone, you can begin to see the situation differently. You can see that your habit is to try to make the other person feel small so that you can avoid your own sense of vulnerability. And you can see that this was what you learned from your family. And you can question whether you want to be just another 'chip off the old block' like your sister, or whether you want to engage in a heroic inner struggle against this family curse - this tormenting fear of humiliation - which has affected you all. It falls to you to break the cycle - to honour your true nature.

A useful Scorpio image is that of Herakles and the Hydra. Each time he chops of one of its heads, it grows nine more. Then he kneels before it and is thus able to lift it into the sunlight, and it dies. Do you see? Fighting the hydra on its own terms made it stronger. The sunlight in the myth is the light of conscious awareness - awareness of the pain beneath the anger.

When you are in the gym you have to increase the effort as you increase the weight you lift. You try as hard as you can. Its similar with allowing feelings to be, except in this case you're trying as hard as you can NOT to tense up, thus allowing as much feeling to flow through you as you can bare in that moment.
 
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Forum Member

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The way I see it they didn't think about what they were doing or they didn't care.

I don't think it will be easy for me to break the habit since I've relied on it heavily , it's been years since I last cried but I'll give it a go tonight.

Have I really come far ? I think if I manage to have a breakthrough tonight it will be good progress but right now I feel like i'm on the fence. I definitely don't want to be a "chip off the old block" now that I remember what it feels like , I'll make sure I never treat anyone like that.

The image , I partially understand. I had to do quite a bit of walking today but I had a good talk with a friend. We started on the weather and ended up talking about the Ukraine/Russia situation. It was nice but It also took a lot of energy , i'm a too tired to think about it properly.

I am trying hard not to feel my emotions because I just don't want to feel all emotional . . . and feminine. It probably won't happen for me tonight , just now my mum came in and had to interrupt me. She couldn't just leave me alone just this once . . . she ruined my mood and now even my anger is gone , I don't feel anything at the moment.
 
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