Lissa, (I'm sorry about the length of this!)
As you noted, you have a classic bipolar-tendencies aspect: Saturn opposite Jupiter. I have the same thing, and I am not bipolar. BUT:
I did suffer from depressive tendencies for a good deal of my life: the first 36 years! AND I did go through a sort of manic phase for about three years, although at the time it didn't feel like it. I was misdiagnosed as just 'depressed' and was put on anti-depressants for two of those years (which, as you can guess, only helped with the depression part, but did nothing for the rages!
).
I decided to get a grip on the problem without the drugs, took myself off (not recommended without medical supervision!!!), and it took another three years of steady effort before I licked the whole thing. I am
totally depression/rage free now, and because I recognise the things that might trigger a depression, I deal with the issue immediately...and avoid the depression. Depression, as you may know, is internalised anger. So is self-harm.
This is not to diagnose you with bipolar disorder; but your chart tells us that you have a
tendency to swing between elation and despair, and with your Moon and Mercury both in Aries and a Sun/Mars square, you have trouble with remaining objective about yourself, and with telling the difference between thought/emotion. Especially with the Neptune/Uranus squares.
The thing with bipolar disorders is that it is in part a biochemical thing (which you may or may not be able to control without medication) and in part an emotional/psychological thing: people with bipolarity have trouble, for whatever reason, expressing emotions appropriately at the time they feel them...so anger gets delayed and internalised and becomes depression: or becomes *externalised* inappropriately in the form of mania, risk-taking, etc. Either way, you are trying very hard to express something that you don't quite know how to express in a 'safe' way. And this does you damage.
I would be careful to avoid 'pigeon-holing' yourself into a fixed diagnosis. I am really against this, because a fixed diagnosis ('Oh, I'm schizophrenic') can ruin a person for life and lead to feelings of fatalism and helplessness. This is why I say 'I have depressive tendencies', because I'm NOT depressed all the time, and I refuse to accept that I have to be depressed forever and ever. Schizophrenics can recover; so can people with bipolar disorders. It takes time, and patience with yourself, and hell of a lot of hard work (counselling, getting help with anger issues) but you can get there.
You are still quite young in years (compared to me, for example
) and as long as you refuse to give in to it and give up, you will eventually learn methods for expressing yourself more appropriately AND for coping with the inevitable mood swings.
Having a family history of mental illness means you may have more challenges here; but again, you don't have to accept that just because Family Member A and B and C had this, you are doomed to have it forever. Drugs might help; but IMO drugs are a 'band-aid' over a problem that goes far deeper. Our moods and our emotions are intimately tied to our biochemistry; and when our emotions are not expressed appropriately for an extended period of time, the body begins to respond by changing the delicate chemical balance. It is a vicious cycle.
You have spoken of your family issues; and your chart, with Pluto in the 10th, certainly indicates that your relationship with one of your parents (probably your mother) is very significant, especially since Pluto trines your Sun: how you express your ego drives.
And Mars in the 6th house says clearly: anger = illness; how you deal with this part of your emotional makeup will definitely affect your health.
These are things to note, and to consider for future use.
1. You need to exercise. Every day, for at least half an hour; an hour is best. Preferably outside in Nature.
2. You need to drink lots of water and keep your system flushed. A tonic of lemon juice, garlic, and olive oil in hot water (it tastes nice!) will help your system cleanse.
3. You need to have a good, strong belly-laugh every day. This sounds ridiculous, but there is such a thing as 'laughter therapy', where you make yourself laugh out loud, and then laugh as long as you can. Eventually it becomes a real laugh; and it changes your brain chemicals. Laugh at how stupid depression is; laugh at how absurd life is; laugh at how seriously we all take it, when nothing about it is as serious as we pretend it is.
4. You need to be patient with yourself and others.
5.
Suicide attempts are a poor way of expressing rage. Find a better way to be angry. Paint. Go on a run every day. Beat your bed with your pillow until you are exhausted (this worked well for me. Better a pillow than myself or someone else!). Most of all, learn how to express what you're feeling
at the time you feel it, no matter how unpleasant it might be. You are not responsible for their feelings; only your own. If someone makes you angry, tell them. If you feel love for someone, tell them. If someone does something that worries you, tell them.
Get counselling, if you haven't already; not a psychiatrist, but a counsellor. Counselling is hard work, but I think you have the willpower to do it. You don't have the chart of someone who is weak, Lissa. But you are young and come from a family where problems seem to turn into mental health issues because they're not dealt with in a healthy way. You can change this; you can change how you respond to the difficulties of life, and make it work well for yourself.
Speak to your doctor about your concerns with the medication. You are too young to be doped up on several different meds
unless you are seriously, and truly, disordered. Get a second opinion. Get a third opinion. Remember, most of the medical system will treat your symptoms, not the causes.
Get to the root of the anger problem and you
may find that, eventually, you won't need medication at all.
You're a smart girl; you are smart enough to come to a site like this and tell us your troubles and ask for help. This means that you are also smart enough to find solutions to this. Trust your instincts. YOU will know your body better than anyone else.
Don't give up. Life is truly beautiful, and worth the effort.
AG
PS. And as for silly, childish things...at age 38 I still enjoy splashing in mud puddles after it rains, I still jump out of swings at the playground, and I regularly chase Mr. Archergirl around the house and wrestle with him in the living room. I still spend far too much money eating cake in restaurants. Silly, childish things can be a part of a well-balanced life. It sounds very much like your mother is projecting a lot of her own anxieties on you...that 10th house Pluto/Sun aspect again, maybe. You are not your mother, and you don't have to be.
