Ukpoohbear
Well-known member
This is a thread to help me express my negative energies and transmute them into love.
Ever since Venus conjunct Pluto in December '21 and then went retrograde, I have been feeling out of sorts, it hit me quite intensely, if you can imagine from a Pluto transit. It was intense like Pluto but suddenly everything went bleak, which felt more like Saturn. It hit me out of the blue.
Gradually, I learnt to deal with it and I started to actually like the sombre feeling. Yes, it was painful but it made me look at myself honestly and with clear eyes. I did not like what I saw - I saw the most vulnerable side of me, I saw myself without the illusion of my own ego, and I saw myself from a negative perspective. But at least I could see it, so I could then heal it. At least I was not delusional about myself.
So now that I felt like **** and I accepted it, then what? I still felt bleak and depressed. I felt so lonely, and I am lonely. What helped was little things like an internal self-confidence, where I said to myself, 'I am proud of how far I have come.' Also, a co-worker who expressed her gratitude for having met me and the support we give each other. That little shot of love helped me realise that as much as what I am seeing myself extremely realistically, that not everyone concentrated on the worst sides of me, like I had been doing recently. Not everyone saw the worst sides of me.
So all of that sounds a bit more Saturn like, I see that. I hinted there about people seeing the worst sides of me and that is coming from bosses at work. The tension has ben building for some months and I believe it will come to a head when Venus-Mars-Pluto conjunct in early March 2022. It has been very intense. Again, issues with authority sounds a bit more Saturn, but I can tell you the power struggles and darkness involved in it, has been very Plutonian.
Basically, I had a team leader and she has been working against me to subtly undermine me and prevent my progress at work. I have a lot of patience and gave a lot of chances, but eventually I went to Human Resources and I requested a new team leader. It did not fix things, she used that opportunity to progress another employee at an alarmingly speedy rate, and he is now a team leader. I have tried to voice this to my new team leader but I was told this was in my head, to look the other way and to not go to human resources again.
A new team leader arrived, whose behaviour was normal to me at first, but she was taken under the wing of my ex team leader and ever since then, she has taken it upon herself to publically embarrass or humiliate me by reprimanding me in front of other workers. She has an authoritarian personality anyway, but saves the best for me. Well again, I voiced this and I sent her an email with my team leader CC'd in expressing my concerns over the way she was talking to me. She still does it, but she has been asked to tone it down, but they are scared I will go to HR again. Let me tell you, I am caught between having moments of standing up for myself strongly but also wanting to remain diplomatic.
I have been unable to sleep properly for weeks. A few days ago I went for a bath in the evening and I started thinking about all of this work stuff which has been building up for about a year, I was so fed up of the thoughts racing in my head, I let out a scream. In the bath. Needless to say, I did not sleep until 4am that day, or the next evening. I had a meeting with my team leader on webcam (I work from home) and I tried my best to hide the tiredness with makeup, but my energy/persona eventually creeped through, and it was noticeable I was in a very serious and sombre mood, going by the tiredness under my eyes and the overall seriousness on my face. It is intense.
To top this all off, one of my cats has been doing my absolute head in. He does not use his toilet and I have had to pick up after him. I had covid two weeks ago and I was woken up at half 5 in the morning with the sound of him scratching the wood floor because he had just crapped on the carpet. I got up to clean it up but he had gone right outside my bedroom door and my foot stepped on it a little bit. So at half 5 AM, with covid, I was cleaning cat **** off my bare foot. He has also been displaying other strange behaviour - I sat down after work, stressed and tired, and he starts encircling me by walking around the couch in a circle over and over again. I am ashamed to admit, I have screamed at him a few times and he just stares at me for ages. The energy is so clingy, it is driving me insane. I want to kill him and the intensity of that feeling is scaring me. I am thinking of giving him up if the intensity becomes unmanageable, but I don't think I could, a new owner would just have him put down but then, giving him up is better than keeping him here where he is getting screamed at by something 20x larger than himself.
I understand this is demons tempting me to murder (I have killed in past lives before), and Pluto is asking me - have I changed or am I still a killer? The demons want to tempt me to kill so I can go to hell.
This is the purpose of this thread. Here I will express my anger so that it can be transmuted into love. I am writing this thread today after having slept really well for the last couple of days, and today is Sunday, I had a lie in, all my housework is already done and I have been enjoying cooking. But, Venus-Mars-Pluto conjunction is a-coming. Soon, I will be snowed under by assignments from university, the power struggles at work may come to a head, and everyday I will still continue to pick up after that ******* cat with clingy behaviour.
God help me. Here I will express my thoughts. Do not be tempted to take my negative energy and let it become your own - express your negativity in a healthy way. The purpose of this thread is not to tempt others into negativity or demonic behaviour, that is your own responsibility. This thread is to help me express my own. I have many thoughts. Hopefully this introduction has given some background info because from now on I will be posting without explanation. If you feel triggered or think what you need right now is love, please feel free to go to my 5D thread (https://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=131840), or even my Tantra thread, which is about a journey into self-healing (https://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=109821). The answer at the end of the day is always love but, I need a healthy outlet for my intense emotions right now. If I can express my dark urges then the demons will be less able to tempt me into using them against me.
Ever since Venus conjunct Pluto in December '21 and then went retrograde, I have been feeling out of sorts, it hit me quite intensely, if you can imagine from a Pluto transit. It was intense like Pluto but suddenly everything went bleak, which felt more like Saturn. It hit me out of the blue.
Gradually, I learnt to deal with it and I started to actually like the sombre feeling. Yes, it was painful but it made me look at myself honestly and with clear eyes. I did not like what I saw - I saw the most vulnerable side of me, I saw myself without the illusion of my own ego, and I saw myself from a negative perspective. But at least I could see it, so I could then heal it. At least I was not delusional about myself.
So now that I felt like **** and I accepted it, then what? I still felt bleak and depressed. I felt so lonely, and I am lonely. What helped was little things like an internal self-confidence, where I said to myself, 'I am proud of how far I have come.' Also, a co-worker who expressed her gratitude for having met me and the support we give each other. That little shot of love helped me realise that as much as what I am seeing myself extremely realistically, that not everyone concentrated on the worst sides of me, like I had been doing recently. Not everyone saw the worst sides of me.
So all of that sounds a bit more Saturn like, I see that. I hinted there about people seeing the worst sides of me and that is coming from bosses at work. The tension has ben building for some months and I believe it will come to a head when Venus-Mars-Pluto conjunct in early March 2022. It has been very intense. Again, issues with authority sounds a bit more Saturn, but I can tell you the power struggles and darkness involved in it, has been very Plutonian.
Basically, I had a team leader and she has been working against me to subtly undermine me and prevent my progress at work. I have a lot of patience and gave a lot of chances, but eventually I went to Human Resources and I requested a new team leader. It did not fix things, she used that opportunity to progress another employee at an alarmingly speedy rate, and he is now a team leader. I have tried to voice this to my new team leader but I was told this was in my head, to look the other way and to not go to human resources again.
A new team leader arrived, whose behaviour was normal to me at first, but she was taken under the wing of my ex team leader and ever since then, she has taken it upon herself to publically embarrass or humiliate me by reprimanding me in front of other workers. She has an authoritarian personality anyway, but saves the best for me. Well again, I voiced this and I sent her an email with my team leader CC'd in expressing my concerns over the way she was talking to me. She still does it, but she has been asked to tone it down, but they are scared I will go to HR again. Let me tell you, I am caught between having moments of standing up for myself strongly but also wanting to remain diplomatic.
I have been unable to sleep properly for weeks. A few days ago I went for a bath in the evening and I started thinking about all of this work stuff which has been building up for about a year, I was so fed up of the thoughts racing in my head, I let out a scream. In the bath. Needless to say, I did not sleep until 4am that day, or the next evening. I had a meeting with my team leader on webcam (I work from home) and I tried my best to hide the tiredness with makeup, but my energy/persona eventually creeped through, and it was noticeable I was in a very serious and sombre mood, going by the tiredness under my eyes and the overall seriousness on my face. It is intense.
To top this all off, one of my cats has been doing my absolute head in. He does not use his toilet and I have had to pick up after him. I had covid two weeks ago and I was woken up at half 5 in the morning with the sound of him scratching the wood floor because he had just crapped on the carpet. I got up to clean it up but he had gone right outside my bedroom door and my foot stepped on it a little bit. So at half 5 AM, with covid, I was cleaning cat **** off my bare foot. He has also been displaying other strange behaviour - I sat down after work, stressed and tired, and he starts encircling me by walking around the couch in a circle over and over again. I am ashamed to admit, I have screamed at him a few times and he just stares at me for ages. The energy is so clingy, it is driving me insane. I want to kill him and the intensity of that feeling is scaring me. I am thinking of giving him up if the intensity becomes unmanageable, but I don't think I could, a new owner would just have him put down but then, giving him up is better than keeping him here where he is getting screamed at by something 20x larger than himself.
I understand this is demons tempting me to murder (I have killed in past lives before), and Pluto is asking me - have I changed or am I still a killer? The demons want to tempt me to kill so I can go to hell.
This is the purpose of this thread. Here I will express my anger so that it can be transmuted into love. I am writing this thread today after having slept really well for the last couple of days, and today is Sunday, I had a lie in, all my housework is already done and I have been enjoying cooking. But, Venus-Mars-Pluto conjunction is a-coming. Soon, I will be snowed under by assignments from university, the power struggles at work may come to a head, and everyday I will still continue to pick up after that ******* cat with clingy behaviour.
God help me. Here I will express my thoughts. Do not be tempted to take my negative energy and let it become your own - express your negativity in a healthy way. The purpose of this thread is not to tempt others into negativity or demonic behaviour, that is your own responsibility. This thread is to help me express my own. I have many thoughts. Hopefully this introduction has given some background info because from now on I will be posting without explanation. If you feel triggered or think what you need right now is love, please feel free to go to my 5D thread (https://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=131840), or even my Tantra thread, which is about a journey into self-healing (https://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=109821). The answer at the end of the day is always love but, I need a healthy outlet for my intense emotions right now. If I can express my dark urges then the demons will be less able to tempt me into using them against me.
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