Right now: Moon at 16°16' Scorpio, Sun at 29°15' Gemini
Near Death Experiences and Astrology
ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I
dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal
palace backlit with white light like that one?"
TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a
stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels,
light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.
GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but
how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since
Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they
usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work
before the rest of the body comes back to life.
CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have
near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life
experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for
LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are
those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off
key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a
microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."
VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the
body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light,
occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so
worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps
back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself
alive, glancing at her watch.
LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and
finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the
other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks
like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel
(after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back
in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating
service for discarnate souls.
SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm
different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can
barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they
have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side,
75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.
SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid
way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she
absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of
it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious
about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this
stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks
tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.
CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead
because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for
newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap
an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus
a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the
lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to
return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for
AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by
consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and
rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to
be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir
and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld,
they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous
campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the
PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death
experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report
seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently
tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.