Astrology Jokes

[happyraccoon]

I don't know any; that's why I want this thread.

[Draco]

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

Draco

This one's on AW, found it quite funny.

[Arian Maverick]

My favorite is the Scorpio answer, especially if you picture someone saying it with a James Bond accent

There are three others on the Astrology Weekly main site, I believe...

Near Death Experiences and Astrology

How to Change a Lightbulb? & Astrology

Prayers and Zodiacal Signs

Aquarian Maverick

[happyraccoon]

Draco,
I love them.
People get so uptight sometimes about astrology (or about anything, actually.) This humour cuts to the chase.

Thank you.
Gobble, gobble.

[Summery Joy]

Cars and zodiac signs: What would the signs drive?


Aries: Something fast... and red!
Taurus: A volvo
Gemini: Car? you mean two cars.
Cancer: A family car
Leo: A limo.. with a chauffeur
Virgo: An economic car. Virgo will have it clean and neat and ready to drive everyone everywhere.
Libra: Will not be able to make a choice and will end up riding with friends.
Scoprio: something in a dark color.. fumed windows. No one will know what it looks like inside
Sagiattrius: What car? The Sag is on a plane right now.
Capricorn: A mercedes benz..
Aquarius: The waterbearer takes buses and subways. Cars are for snobby people.
Pisces: Doesn't matter. Pisces will always be too stoned to remember the partking spot.

[Arian Maverick]

I think we should try to think of a scenerio and guess how each sign would respond...perhaps it'll provide the fodder for more astrology jokes!

As you can tell, I simply cannot get enough of 'em...

Here Are Some Random Ideas:

Exercise/Weight Loss by the Zodiac
Holiday Shopping by the Zodiac
Assembling Complex Children's Toys/Computers/Furniture by the Zodiac
Driving Habits of Different Zodiac Signs

Aquarian Maverick

P.S. I'll post again if I can think up more...feel free to add to the list!

[Arian Maverick]

I've noticed that several threads have been started about astrology jokes, but they are spread apart in different categories and therefore may be difficult to find. So, like the good Virgo South Node native I am, I will search the forums and try to provide links to all the separate discussions

The Inevitable Lightbulb Joke

Zodiac Computer Viruses

Astro ****

Hmm, I really thought there was more. The search continues...

Aquarian Maverick

P.S. I think I finally understand why Leo's agent would call a Virgo to change the lightbulb for them :roll:

[Draco]

Nora,

I liked your car signs, did you make them up?

Beth,

Good idea. I'll have a go at thinking some up. More ideas: Phobias? Fetishes? Crimes?

Draco

[Arian Maverick]

Here is my first go at attempting to fabricate a complete astrology joke...so please go easy on me. I will be adding additions throughout the day as they come to me

Holiday Shopping by the Zodiac:

An ARIEN will be one of the first to arrive at the mall on Black Friday and, after fighting tooth and nail for a parking space and damaging their car beyond repair, they will shove, kick, bite, scratch, and claw their way to the front of each outrageously long line. Although they may reemerge from the fray a bit worse for the wear, they will be carrying armfuls of shopping bags containing only the best deals...would you expect anything less?

A TAUREAN will sit down in front of his/her computer and complete all of their holiday shopping online in one sitting, as long the room temperature is adjusted exactly to their liking and they have a pint of Ben and Jerry's at arm's reach. However, they will most certainly stop for bathroom breaks if the need arises and will abandon their task as soon as their stomach indicates that it is time for dinner.

A GEMINI

Since their traumatic experience during a Black Friday mall excursion several years ago, a Cancer refuses to leave their home during the entire month of December.

A LEO does not believe it necessary to give presents to their friends...they already have him/her, what more could they possibly want?

A VIRGO will have all of their holiday shopping completed before Thanksgiving (or Halloween if they are really good), but they may continue to shop sporadically throughout the holiday season to secure last-minute details and take advantage of the great sales.

A LIBRA naturally loves the social aspect of the holidays, but she can never decide what to give her friends. Therefore, gift certificates abound...but what store should she buy them from?

A SCORPIO

Although they promised themselves throughout the year that they would limit the number of friends on their gift list as they struggled each month to get out of the debt inflicted by last year's shopping spree, a SAGGITARIAN will inevitably succumb to the "spirit of the holidays" and spend every last penny on holiday cheer.

A CAPRICORN is too immersed in his/her individual financial plan to squander their hard-earned savings on frivolous gifts because of some arbitrary point in the earth's revolution. However, if they deem it to be advantageous for the future of their career, they may splurge on a designer item for their boss--but only if they really want that promotion (they do).

An AQUARIAN believes that the so-called "holidays" are too Christianity based and refuses to participate in the festivities unless all major world religions merge together to create a Great Brotherhood of Universal Peace. He/she spends the entire month of December progressing for social and spiritual reform, and urges their friends to do the same.

A PISCES does not buy or receive any gifts because they believe themselves to be all alone in this world, detached from the rest of humanity because they are the only ones who could possibly understand the true nature of human suffering. They spend Christmas in the company of their finest vintage wine, reading poetry and contemplating the tenuous nature of life.

Aquarian Maverick

[Draco]

Condoms of the Zodiac

Aries

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep.

Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.

Taurus

Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.

Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.

Gemini

Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order.

Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

Cancer

Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.

Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.

Leo

Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large.

Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.

Virgo

Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.

Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.

Libra

Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.

Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.

Scorpio

Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.

Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.

Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

Capricorn

Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.

With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

Aquarius

Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.

With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign. Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

Pisces

Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.

Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

[Arian Maverick]

OMG, did you make that up yourself, Draco?

This is a completely different side I haven't seen before...which one would you use?

Aquarian Maverick

P.S. Please don't answer the above question...I don't want to know ops:

[Draco]

Hi Beth

No I didn't make it up myself unfortunately, I found it searching round on the net. It tickled me so I thought I'd post it.

which one would you use?

Ha ha. LOL. All of them.

Please don't answer the above question...I don't want to know

Oops! Sorry!

I still fancy having a go at making some up.

Draco

[Arian Maverick]

I still fancy having a go at making some up.

Maybe you can help me finish the one I started...I still can't think of a good one for Gemini or Scorpio

EDIT: Here's something else I found online

Snore Snigns:

Aries: Snoring so loud and forceful it actually butts into you with its intensity.

Taurus: Peacefully stubborn snoring; don't bother trying to wake them up.

Gemini: They snore until you try to tug at them to get them to stop; then they unconsciously change their mind and stop all by themselves, only to start again as soon as you roll back over.

Cancer: They can't sleep securely without a good snore and will get defensive about it if you try to deal with the fact that it's keeping you up.

Leo: They snore! They roar! And they're damned proud to hear a tape of their snoring which you made to try to evince a bit of sympathy from them. Good luck!

Virgo: Give them the tape you made for Leo; they will have it analysed and find new reasons to worry about their own nocturnal habits.

Libra: Loud yet beautiful, almost artistic snoring. You didn't think Venus could honk like that, did you?

Scorpio: Snoring that bores into your very soul, as you sit there wondering if it will ever cease long enough to let you get some shuteye.

Sagittarius: The snoring gets louder and louder, and when you wake them up they ask how much fun was it to listen, huh, huh?

Capricorn: Businesslike, rock-solid snoring. Snoring futures are traded regularly now at the NYSE; they all belong to Capricorns.

Aquarius: Your reputation as the water bearer is borne out when you drool like a faucet as you snore, making the experience of sleeping with you doubly awful. Welcome to the new age.

Pisces: Rather than give you a broad generalization, I'll tell you about my friend Cris the Pisces: he snores so loud that once, at a campsite, the other campers picked him up, bedroll and all, and carried him 150 yards away and dropped him in a meadow. He awoke, wondering where he was. Ah, the Piscean life is indeed mysterious at times.

Aquarian Maverick

[Summery Joy]

Draco,

Yes, I did make the car jokes up. Like your condom jokes


Aquarian Maverick (Beth?),

You said:

A LEO does not believe it necessary to give presents to their friends...they already have him/her, what more could they possibly want?

LOL. I thought the exact same thing when I first read the suggestion for a a joke about holiday shopping by sign. I'm a Leo by the way.


I got a new one, not so funny, but it is true to an extent.

Why are the signs interested in studying astrology?

Aries: Wants to be the absolute best who reads natal charts.
Taurus: <Can't think of anything. Any suggestions?>
Gemini: They were curious; as simple as that.
Cancer: <Can't think of anything. Any suggestions?>
Leo: They want to know what astrology says about Leos.
Virgo: A friend was interested and the Virgo wanted to help out.
Libra: Maybe a horary could help them make some choices.
Scorpio: Studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about their secrets.
Sagittarius: Why not?
Capricorn: studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about what motivates them.
Aquarius: Because most people don't believe in astrology.
Pisces: Astrology can bring the world together and make it a better place.

[Light]

What about Cancer doing predictive astrology? They want to know how many are coming to lunch, and need to get enough food in?

hel

[Summery Joy]

yeah.. good one hel

[Arian Maverick]

Oh yes...I am definately a combination of Aries and Aquarius!

I love studying offbeat subjects, and once I have completely immersed myself in the subject manner, of course I want to be the best

As for Taurus, well, my brother has Taurus Sun and Ascendent and I think he would be too lazy to learn astrology even if he could

Aquarian Maverick

[Summery Joy]

Alright you guys, it is complete. Thanks hel and AM.

Why are the signs interested in studying astrology?

Aries: Wants to be the absolute best who reads natal charts.
Taurus: Nah, they're too lazy to study astrology.
Gemini: They are curious; as simple as that.
Cancer: Needs predictive astrology to know how many people are coming over to dinner.
Leo: They want to know what astrology says about Leos.
Virgo: A friend was interested and the Virgo wanted to help out.
Libra: Maybe a horary could help them make some choices.
Scorpio: Studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about their secrets.
Sagittarius: Why not?
Capricorn: studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about what motivates them.
Aquarius: Because most people don't believe in astrology.
Pisces: Astrology can bring the world together and make it a better place.

[Danae]

more astro jokes here:

http://www.aquarianage.org/lore/jokes/index.html


The Twelve Tickles

list of reactions:

Aries would have tickled back until *you* were begging her to stop.

Taurus would just roll over and sit on you.

Gemini would have giggled and tickled back, then realized that she had forgotten what she was going to say just before the tickling started.

Cancer will just get up without saying anything, walk into her room, and slam the door. She won't come out for hours and will bring up the whole incident ten years later in the middle of a fight.

Leo would get extremely offended, and would look at you with utter incomprehension when you explained that it was only fair, since she felt free to tickle you.

Virgo will stare at you without laughing until you stop.
Libra would have enjoyed it until it messed up her outfit.

Scorpio will at first succumb to the tickling, then suddenly, through an effort of sheer willpower, regain her composure, stare you fixedly straight in the eye and say, "Stop it! now! or else!"

Sagittarius would have tickled back, then when you were in the other room, started tickling the guy sitting on her other side.

Capricorn never gets tickled because she's always working late at the office.

Aquarius would have quietly extricated herself with a small smile while trying to think of a way the entire group could have fun with the tickling.

Pisces will at first hate the tickling, then decide she liked it, because, after all, it's what the other person wants.

[Danae]

A . . . walks into a bar, orders everyone a round of drinks and says:

Aries: Oh those are all for me
Taurus: Make sure it's all your finest............cheapest beer
Gemini: I'm gonna grab the ***....err hands of everyone in this joint!
Cancer: I'll go drink mine in the corner and cry.
Leo: Everyone love me for being so generous
Virgo: Hmmm are those glasses clean? I don't want to complain but something smells a bit odd.
Libra: I love you allll...now i have to go to a better bar with cooler people.
Scorpio: *poisons all the drinks* The antidote is only $700 a person!
Saggitarius: You're all great I tell you, you just are kinda ugly, but plastic surgery does great things these days!
Capricorn: *notes beer in check book* Yes this fits in to my budget I suppose, make mine vodka on the rocks.
Aquarius: Oh you're all so fabulous I love you all! Lets all get naked and show off what god gave us! Especially me, LOOK AT ME
Pisces: wow you're all such groovy, the vibe in here is amazing, *injects heroin*

_________________


Cleaning by the signs

ARIES: gets competitive over who's the speediest sweeper or whose rag is dustiest.

TAURUS: goes over the same spot a million times with the vacuum, refusing to bend down to pick up the offending crumb.

GEMINI: finishes their chores in half the time of everyone else.

CANCER: becomes preoccupied with your photo collection.

LEO: spends all day polishing down the mirrors.

VIRGO: SO doesn't need your help.

LIBRA: keeps saying "don't I look adorable in this apron?"

SCORPIO: makes the bed, fluffs the pillows and asks for volunteers to test it out with them.

SAGITTARIUS: doesn't like being stuck inside. Send them out for some fun on your riding lawnmower.

CAPRICORN: weighs the pros, cons and financial incentives and may decide to go with a better offer.

AQUARIUS: organizes your piles of junk into charity, recycle and compost.

PISCES: asks to do the windows and then keeps staring out into the yard.
_________________

Born to Shop!

Aries: Everything is marked "New and Improved"! Just Loves the "free sample" stands in the supermarket. Pay with whatever their latest account offers.

Taurus: Buys the same brand forever, but only the best. Decisions are made on the basis of test reports in consumer magazines. Pays cash.

Gemini: Has to buy at least two of everything and are total suckers for the impulse purchase at the checkout. Pay with cash-card or credit-card, as long as there is direct electronic link to bank. No hand-written vouchers please.

Cancer: Buys recycled and biodegradable everything that they can't grow themselves (organically, of course). Pays with old notes.

Leo: Buys the biggest of everything. This is not for economy, but so that everyone can see the purchases in the trolley. Pays with Amex gold card... what do you mean, you don't accept Amex?

Virgo: Buys only what is on the shopping list, unless it happens to be exceptionally beautiful packaging. If the label is torn, it's not good enough. Pays cash and gives exact amount; no change necessary. Uses discount vouchers.

Libra: Spends twice as much time as anyone else. Also buys two of everything, but in different brands; one might be better than the other. Hovers at the checkout trying to decide how to pay.

Scorpio: Doesn't just go shopping. They *purchase comestibles* of Champagne and caviare. Oh, and whipped cream for later. They don't pay. The account is handed to the latest lover, whose allowance covers it all.

Sagittarius: Shops while wearing a Walkman playing Beethoven and everything has a foreign, unpronouncable label. Pays with a credit card which has a picture of Bangkok on it.

Capricorn: Buys exactly what is on the list and checks every can for price and "best before" date. Will buy two if it is essential and on sale. Checks the slip before handing over the cheque. Updates stub balance on the spot and mentally calculates interest lost.

Aquarius: Shops at craft markets when she's not supplying them, or better still, running them. Just Loves that darling little creative number --- which is perfectly useless. Pays with lots of change and small notes.

Pisces: Her husband does the shopping or else they wouldn't eat.

[sam]

Originally Posted by Danae

Cancer will just get up without saying anything, walk into her room, and slam the door. She won't come out for hours and will bring up the whole incident ten years later in the middle of a fight.

so true

[Arian Maverick]

Pisces: Her husband does the shopping or else they wouldn't eat.

Ha, this is incredibly true with my Pisces father...especially when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't think I've EVER seen this man buy himself a sweater

Keep the jokes coming, everyone!

Aquarian Maverick

[Light]

Ha, this is incredibly true with my Pisces father...especially when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't think I've EVER seen this man buy himself a sweater

You mean men......actually.....shop????? Faints on floor in shock! :shock:

Oh silly me, of course they do - who keeps the electrical stores in business?


I have never, ever seen a man in a supermarket, though. How do they feed themselves?

Sorry not a joke, just aquamav revealed something I never never knew about.

hel

[Danae]

LIFE

ARIES
“Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.”
“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.”
“Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.”
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
“Why does a person even get up in the morning? You have breakfast, you floss your teeth so you'll have healthy gums in your old age, and then you get in your car and drive down I-10 and die. Life is so stupid I can't stand it.”

TAURUS “
The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.”
“Life is a long lesson in humility.”

GEMINI
“It is not length of life, but depth of life.”
“All life is an experiment.”
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.”
“Everything has been figured out, except how to live.”

CANCER
“Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.”
“Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.”
“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”
“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

LEO
“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”

VIRGO
“Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.”
“The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.”

LIBRA
“Unbeing dead isn't being alive.”
“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.”

SCORPIO
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”
“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”
“There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last.”

SAGITTARIUS
“To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.”
“May you live every day of your life.”
“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

CAPRICORN
“You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.”
“But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.”
“My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.”
“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.”
“This life is worth living, we can say, since it is what we make it.”

AQUARIUS
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
“Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way round.”
“There is no wealth but life.”
“I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.”

PISCES
“Life is wasted on the living.”
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".”
“If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.”
_________________

All the World's a Stage

The Ascendant is the Stage itself!
The Sun is the Star of the show!
The Moon is the Audience!
Mercury is the playwright and script editor!
Venus is the talent scout, but also the romantic leading lady and the supporting cast!
Mars is the choreographer and perhaps the whole chorus line!
Jupiter is the director and producer!
Saturn is the theatre critic!
Uranus is the sound & light technician, but also the publicity agent!
Neptune is the orchestra, but also the costume & set designer responsible for the illusion the show projects!
Pluto is the investor and creditor who puts up the money for a later return!

[Danae]

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.