Too many difficult aspects - don't know if I can take it anymore!

[strangeronearth]

http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi...s6-u1139082481

sun in scorpio squaring mars in aquarius (less than 0 degree orb)
sun conjunct mercury in scorpio (less than 2 degree orb)
mercury in scorpio squaring mars in aquarius (less than 2 degree orb)
venus in scorpio conjunct pluto in scorpio (less than 0 degree orb)
sun in scorpio quincunx moon in aries (less than 2 degree orb)
mercury in scorpio quincunx moon in aries (less than 0 degree orb)
moon in aries sextile mars in aquarius (less than 2 degree orb)
saturn in sag in the 10th house squaring jupiter in pisces in the 1st house
mars in aquarius conjunct ascendant in aquarius

Now I'm certainly not one to be negative (I'm only 21), but every single day of my life has become so intense that's it's simply overwhelming. I am a severe alcoholic/drug addict and have been since my middle school years. My father, a drug dealer, was a steady presence throughout my early childhood but was incarcerated when I was nine. He was released after five years, but now he's back in prison. My mother, another scorpio sun/aries moon has mars in leo opposing my natal mars so it goes w/o saying that we have a very tempestuous relationship. I was always an eager student but financial difficulties (following my father's imprisonment) inhibited me from realizing my true academic potential...I feel weak, as I realize that's an excuse, but my moon falls in the 2nd and my 3rd house encompasses almost all of taurus so money really is all I truly care about. Even though I've been financially independent since my teenage years I've recently fallen into a financial rut & I've been amazed by my family's unwillingness to assist me, even a little. I even dropped out of college last year in order to focus on my financial situation, a decision that still tortures me. Now, with a extremely selfish mother & absentee father, I find myself needing both of them in a way that I haven't since I was a child. I've been depressed since adolescence, but the untreated depression has evolved into extreme anxiety (aquarius aspects, virgo 8th house cusp). I spend the duration of each day just trying to RELAX: through sex, exercise, drugs & food...I wake up feeling terrible, violent & I'm absolutely forced to do whatever I can to maintain my equilibrium less I have a panic attack (which are TERRIFYING & becoming increasingly frequent.) I'm paranoid & confused most of the time...& I exhaust considerable amounts of energy blocking out negative/violent/suicidal thoughts...I have to relese my sexual tension before I see anyone, or they are intimidated by my energy. Everyone reminds me not to be negative (it only attracts more negativity) but I always feel that I'm simply making realistic assessments. Despite my attractive appearance and the general public assumption that I'm well-off, my life just does not stop sucking & my emotions are becoming increasingly volatile. To top it all off, I feel that the jupiter in pis. in my first house makes it difficult to get a sense of who I really am. I do not who who I really am - I'm always acting. I do not understand what my soul is to seek out this experience, I'm torn between faith in a strong future for myself and fear of a sudden death. I'm in a terrible place, anyway:

Could anyone possibly shed light on:

-my moon's tight conjunction with the n. node

...this element in my chart triggered extreme paranoia & confusion, as i've read alternately calamitous & glorious assessments of it...whether good or bad, it's always described as fateful, a word that just makes me nervous

-mars in the 1st house, specifically in aquarius (most descriptions are based on the physical plane, but i know aquarius is more complex than that)
-the super-tight conjunction of venus & pluto (i've always thought of it as encouraging me to develop "THICK SKIN")
-s. node in libra in the 8th house (i've always suspected this played a major role in my shitty cosmic soup)
-the major transits to my chart at the moment

Also, I should add: I do not plan to kill myself EVER. I've made it through so much pain, awkwardness, and a few brushes with death (from binge drinking, childhood accidents, risky sex) I know I WANT to live, but I can't exist carrying & managing the emotional load I wake up with everyday. Understanding astrology & my natal chart is helping to encourage my innate sense of faith & positivity. I appreciate the wisdom of anyone who's willing to help me along the way.

[Arian Maverick]

sun in scorpio squaring mars in aquarius (less than 0 degree orb)
sun conjunct mercury in scorpio (less than 2 degree orb)
mercury in scorpio squaring mars in aquarius (less than 2 degree orb)
venus in scorpio conjunct pluto in scorpio (less than 0 degree orb)
sun in scorpio quincunx moon in aries (less than 2 degree orb)
mercury in scorpio quincunx moon in aries (less than 0 degree orb)
moon in aries sextile mars in aquarius (less than 2 degree orb)
saturn in sag in the 10th house squaring jupiter in pisces in the 1st house
mars in aquarius conjunct ascendant in aquarius

Not all of the aspects you listed are considered to be difficult aspects; conjunctions can be harmonious or inharmonious depending upon the planets involved, and sextiles are traditionally considered to be harmonious aspects, indicating an easy exchange of energy.

Also, I wouldn't list the Sun square Mars separate from Mercury square Mars because these two planets are tightly fused together that they form a kind of "super planet"; Venus conjunct Pluto is an even more extreme example of this.

the double yod in my chart

I do not see a yod in your natal chart; are you referring to the quincunx aspect involving your Sun-Mercury conjunction and Aries Moon-Aries North Node conjunction, perhaps? You would need another planet or set of planets around 19, 20, or 21 degrees Virgo to make a yod configuration.

Yet I don't think you're natal chart's the problem here; I'm much more concerned about you. Have you ever talked to a therapist, a counselor, a psychologist, etc? I am not asking this in a judgmental way, but I don't think you can get the type of help you need from an astrological interpretation; perhaps it may help you better understand the types of energies at play in your life, why you may suffer from the types of difficulties you have described. Yet unless you face them--and you should not have to do this on your own--the negative thoughts and feelings will remain, and you will feel helpless to change. I'm not quite sure what else I can say, other than I hope that you will find the courage within yourself to ask for help.

Arian Maverick

[strangeronearth]

Oh, I'm a fool...I thought the quincunx aspect & the yod were synonymous. Still learning. Thanks for the concern & therapy is definitely the next step. I'm always looking to find a spiritual solution first.

[Liquid Green]

there are a lot of spiritual therapies out there.........no doubt you are somewhat angry with your parents....(i have had heaps of stuff too!).......get that out of the way ....gestalt therapy would be good for that, and no doubt you will be then more receptive to the spiritual approach.....

I think astrology is really helpful for the being aware part of therapy......knowing yourself that bit more......your half way there.!

best of luck.....

[NicholasH]

hey man your a scorpio. your life is about transformation. that right there shoud make you feel better. you life will be a little bit crazy but thats the point this time. plus, your an aquarius rising. every aquarius asc. i know is really interesting.

plus with scorpio powerhouse you have, you are a powerful person. everything i've heard about scorpio is it's either the low road or the high road, but not somewhere in between.

also with ur north node in aries your supposed to develope independence, self-nurturance, constructive self interests, and yougotta trust your own impulses.
so i say no to therapy. your on the right path. your chart shows a strong individual.

[Liquid Green]

nicholash,
i am a aqua rising too....and i consider myself a strong individual also, but sometimes even the strong need therapy.....especially when drugs have been concerned....I say this from experience....it sometimes takes a strong individual to admit that......
stranger.....you know in your heart what you need to do......

[universal]

Dear Strangeronearth,
I'm pretty new here, but wanted to throw my 2 cents in. This is what I got.
I notice you are a member of the Moon in Aries club, like me. I belive we deal with things best when we take action and you've already made a good start in that regard by posting here. Great place and there's a world class bunch of talented and caring folks here, so you've done well.
You say you have Mars in Aquarius squre Sun. Again, I'm in that boat too. I think I just read something positive about that on the bobmarksastrolger.com website, lessons section. If you want to get another slant on your chart goings-on, I found the guy a wealth of info that seemed both to ring true and be constructive.
About that square, I notice that your Mars is in good aspect to Uranus, chart ruler. No tradeoff would be ideal, but that's not a bad one IMO.
I don't know if you ever work with the transits going on in your chart. I like to see what they're doing and assure myself that the tough ones are temporary and concentrate on how I'm going to enjoy the good ones.
I agree with your take on suicide not being much of an answer. Plus, I believe that we'd probably come right back, in an even worse situation. The Scorpio and Aries in your chart speak to me of strength. I don't have that bravery in my chart, but I do believe that 'God' brought me in and he/she might as well take me out. Will leave you in the capable hands of the other great folks here. All the best,
-universal

[tsquare]

Mars is retro right now. I have been thinking of starting a mars in retro thread as of recently....I have been seing it everywhere!!!but couldn't spot it till recently. This aspect has been eating me alive the last few ?weeks? I dont know how long its been, or even how many times its gone retro, but I cant wait till it's over, Im boiling over right now, its doing its dance over my natal venus.......burning heart, fire, I'm cooking right now, and its playing around with my natal NN as well........things havent been going well for me either. It is also in my 12thH so I have been getting some old unresovled issues coming up, things i have ling forgotten about that I have been looking for so I could handle them Karmicly, I like that so for me it's a chance to burn up old rubish and start new and fresh.

About your parents, I had the same thing happen to me, not exactly of course, but it went something like this......I graduated, spent my entire amount of will on education while in school, my choice, I was prommissed help after school to go to collage, I was not allowed to work durring high school and scholorships were sort of limited, my parents made too much money because the government says so......so grants were out of the question as well.

The promise was trampled upon, and I was crushed dream shatereed with me in its shards, my parents got divorced right arround my graduation, my mom got ******* in the divorce, and I stood up for her, being the cancer sun I am, and I got trampled on....bad.....my dad had all the money, I had no help, SO....I went to a ****** college without anything that I had any interest in....starved while I was there.....no meal plan....little to no money for food.......then financial difficulties so I quit to handle it with the intent of going back again.

I ended up working in the oilfield. Drilling riggs. Got sick. I was bathed in diesel and mud over and over again durring 12Hour shiflts....head to toes.....diesel is a form of fuel for a car, like gas if ya didnt know, not being rude.....my friend the other day didn't have a clue what diesel was, but fills his car up with gassoline every day on the way to work(laughing)......anyhow......head to toe covered in diesel, I broke out in a rash all over my body Big pimple like moles like a 1'4 inch wide AND tall. I started having heart pallapitations(spelling)thats where your heart pumps irraically, differtent rates at differtent times, skips beats whatever....anxiety attacks ....whatever......I sill wasn't eating right at that time either. anyway I had to quit and I lived in my moms house for a while, trying to get my health back....that was like 2 or 3 years....doctors could find nothing....Im really just starting to remember all of this...it was all pretty tramatic......all my goals in life were dead.....and in a way so was I...I felt nothing.......it took a few years I didn't talk to my dad for uhhhhhh 3years or so, and I was feeling a little better after this time, so....I ended up going to a technical college to be a cabinetmaker.....not exactly what I wanted, but I didn't think it was too bad of an idea at the time...orriginally I wanted to go to be an engineer...I wasn't sure which kind yet.....after generals I would have decided......so I moved a state away.....really it was like 500 miles, and I got an appartment with a friend....2 year lease....they cancelled the program after I had alreaddy signed up for it.....I was mad as hell.......I was going to get housing asistance with school at that point but with no school.........no housing assistance....so I had to pay it off...one problem....I got sick again....all the stress did me in....I broke out in hives...all over.....couldn't eat.....couldn't sleep. Had to move home......bummer.....lived with my mom.......for another year and a half till I found another cabinet making school in another state, 700 miles away, I saved my money, and now finally I could get all the financial support I needed for school......I still hadn't talked to my dad once at this point......thats a few years there.....One problem....the car that I had purchased to go to school broke down right before I got the oppertunity to leave for school, I had the extra money to fix it...and then I got a propossition, my dad called.....suprise....he said he wanted to help me fix my car before I went...he went to school for mechanics and diesel tech...but ended up in a different field, but he is good with cars. I reluctantly agreed........hoping for some...hoping for another start at the relationship. He ditched me. He said he'd be there to fix the car.....I had 2 weeks....he tore the car all apart and left it there for 2 weeks, after this he showed up....we were supposed to work on it together.....after this he showed up on the day that I was supposed to leave for school.........I had another vehichle, but it was in bad shape as well, it needed a new battery, and it needed some serious work with the fuel system. I put in a battery and drove to school....once again....make it or break it.
I got 5 miles to the gallon, instead of my cars 29 miles to the gallon.
I was mad as hell.....I was in school and I had to drive about 15 miles to school and back every day to my appartment. so that was a little dissapointing...........he called and apologized, lied, whatever, and said he would fix the car. Fine I said..........2 years later, he fixed my car......I had to drop out after the one year because of financial difficulties, I couldn't afford another year of almost starvation and high pump prices.
He was "just shocked" that i had to drop out....the idea was to get some more finances, skip a year and then finish the program the next year.
The last thing I wanted to do was cut my finger off because of malnutrition and I was dizzy, cabinet makeing is a dangerous job....one slip on a table saw and you can loose you hand in an instant, and your fingers can get real close to the blade...like an inch away. He was mad that I dropped out but he really was mad at himself for being an ***, but he tried to shift the blame for many things...his divorce for one....Im not taking that guilt trip....I just wanted it over with.......I lived in the city for another year trying to save money.....after a year my apartent got robbed. I lost everything, no insurance.

So I saved my money for another year working horable jobs......I hated them, Then I got a gun pointed in my face because I was white, the guy said he was giong to kill me and I was just trying to walk in my apartment door, I had no idea who the guy was other then an extremely paraniod drug dealer who had heard I was his archenemy or something, I had no idea what in the hell was going on, I somehow got out of it...I just knew the right thing to say at the right time, I went tottaly numb....no fear....no emotion of any kind...pure adreanalin and a weird high, but later on the shock kicked in and I shook for a month physically off and on just sorta like a spasm here and there...couldnt stop..... I was numb to the bone, it triggered something, some deep core issue that I had burried, I got sick again, no school for me..

THis was all a few years ago.

Im starting to sort of sort through all of this right about now, its a chance to clean out this old 12thH with mars there, planning for another go at school.....still, at least now I have a chance to look at KARMIC PATTERNS and they are written all over my chart.........saturn in house 3, libra, square NN.....I'm not going to list them all. But finally I have a chance to SPOT the patterns.....that part is tricky...I still dont see it all, and I uncover stuff as I go.

HOW DOES ONE SOLVE OLD OUTMODED BAD KARMA TO GET IT OUT OF THE WAY SO ONE DOES NOT ATTRACT NEGATIVE INFLUENCED IN THE FUTURE!!!
the astrology chart is just a map....its a map of many things...good karma, bad karma......possobilities, oppertunities....and most of alll repeating patterns that if not handeled REocure!(excited)

I have been working with something called EFT(emotional Freedom Techniques) for the last few months now....It is having to do with energy therapy....and some of the things that have come to view...the old losses, the old hurts...that really WERE affecting me physically, are starting to dissintigrate with this amazingly simple form of therapy.
Its just tapping, along with some other basic things.
I HIGHLY RECOMEND IT!
THe Ebook is free.

It works wonders at healing up old wounds in the energy body.......and there are more then one energy bodies....butIt just works, check it out, just google EFT, or Emotional freedom techniques, you need ADOBE ACROBAT which is a free reader, to read it....but...I don't know what else to say......I feel a little out of place sugesting it being this is an astrology forum, and at times while offering it as a well.... an offering.......I have felt that i have oversteped my bounds......but this **** really works, I have seen it work for myself, ON myself, On others, and I just have to say something....I am NOT affiliated with EFT, I am not recieving any type of payment from EFT, I dont even know the people who put it out there, but......its simple, its easy, you have to buy absolutly nothing to get it to work but you can, i HAVEN'T purchased anything as of yet, Its quick, Its astounding in its speed, It can be used for so many things.......

I have studied many, many, many forms of theapy over the last few years, physical, mental, spritual, and have found this to be the one thing that I can honestly suggest to another, mainly because it costs nothing and...i've seen miracles, have heard of others miracles....And I am having alot of fun with this EFT stuff. Its just unbelievable........you have to see it for yourself, try it yourself. I was supprised myself having studdied so many other forms of therapys...and I hate the word therapy.....it has a dirty vibe to it and it is introverting and puts you RIGHT INTO your problems , like, there is something "wrong with you" or something.......But I don't know what else to call it...........even people who are well can benifit from it......People are even using it to lower their golf scores.......I am suprised by its versatility. ITs AN ENERGY THERAPY.....BY THE WAY...Im not yeling with all the caps.
Give it a shot.


Oh another thing about scorpios.....they really seem to get alot of help from forms of meditation.....I can think of one scorpio, and he's a strong son of a bit#h, Anthony Keidis, lead singer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers...one of my favorite bands, he's a scorpio sun, something like 1st degree or something...Im not sure of the exact degree, but its one of the early ones.....anyway that dude has been through alot of hell, and he seems to pull it all together....I admire him for his strength.....not his troubles or anything....but more so how he has put himself back on track over and over again AFTER the troubles.......what a stud......He is really into....god if I can only remember the name...its a form of meditation.....vispanna(spelling), ....I saw it on wikiipedia......I have heard him say elsewhere it has really helped him out to cool off at times.....may be something else to look into.

I have an intense chart as well, but working with EFT, has really cooled off alot of that intensity....I have a sun and mercury square mars aspect as well...only I have mars any pluto conjunct...with saturn conjunct mars as well...I also have jupiter in scorpio cojunct pluto.....its a major stellum....its a tough aspect, but I have sort of smoothed it out and turned it into a more harmonious form of energy....or at least found modes of expression with that energy.............or hell, im just going to say it, it has helped me BALLANCE my energy, energy therapy works.....EFT uses acupuncture points in its tapping procedure, no needles or anything, you just tap with your fingers and they have ways of finding those things that handle obsessions...opposite pole techniques, people have used it for different addictions, smoking and sugar adictions, pop, god...I think even some war verterans have had some major success with post tramatic stress syndrome, they couldn't even go out to a resturaunt and were reliving helatious memories, flashbacks almost constantly, and then...poof, they were gone...no flashbacks and they had their lives back, felt calm, felt cool, its in the ebook.

I have had headaches go away, I have handled heartbreaks, I have handled toothaches....I even helped my brother the other day with a hip that he had go out of place....all the energy was tense and in a ball arround his hip, the mussles were pulliing his joint out of place, even after he had it put back in at the chiropractor....so I showed him how to do the tapping and he found that it was....after some tapping, it was like 20 minutes......that it was just from some stress he was having at school, overworked and overwealmed....and all that tension, mental, caused physical things, like muschles pulling joints out of place. It was cool to see him just relax.....Hes a scorpio ascendent, cap sun. He's a real intense kid, and he has almost every planet in the 2ndH litterally! even the NN..........the ony ones he doesn't are mars and jupiter but they aspect those planets and he has a mars opposition to his scorpio ascendent...

Google EFT or Emotional Freedom Techniques. it should be easy to find.
THe founder I believe is Gary Craig, the Free ebook should be there...They do sell things but mainly just to practitioners....professionals, or anyone as well...I haven't purchased anything. But its is interesting and one my greatest finds in easy simple energy work.
Also you may want to sign up for the free email newsletter, they come like once a week or every 2 weeks, I dont always read it, but every time I do they always have cool things from other people that have wrote in saying how they have used the techniques...some of the things that they have used it for seem unreal......one person used it on their seeing eye dog, I dont know how this works......but she got the dog to stop growling at people that would come near her.........this saved her butt, because she would of had to get rid of her dog and she couldn't afford another one.
Lots of cool things.....I am always sceptical myself, to some degreee...scepticism is healthy, but I am still suprised by EFT.
Sorry for the lengthy post.
If you find it works for you PM me, I'm starting to feel like a dumbass telling people to try it. Wondering if I am overstepping my bounds, but If I dont say anything I feel a whole lot worse(laugh).

So good luck, and take care,
Recover those dreams, and yourself, it can also help with that acting thing you were talking about, I have had pluto transiting my 5thHouse for a while now and its one of the main things I have been working on, just....being real...feeling comfterable in my skin, pluto has brought up alot of my early training on how I present myself to the world, and with EFT as a tool, I have been able to take that transformation to an end, a possotive one, without too many weird occurances....but It didnt start out that way....I wasnt sure what was going on with that transit till later on......5thH is big for me with the leo asc, and pluto was also transiting my natal neptune that trined my ASC....so ....I dont think the planets really did anything but bring things to my attention that I wanted handled, but I needed a tool to help me bring some energies under my controll, so I could own them instead of them owning me...this was it.

TsquarezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZ

[Liquid Green]

tsquare..........therapy is a word that such stigma to it.......I agree, they should change the word.........(and some of the methods!)

[tsquare]

For anyone who reads it,

I dont know, the word is fine....it's just the subjective response most people have to it....at least me initially, or even most I know. Therapy often triggers a response of fear, of a...somebody or something is going to make nothing of me and my current abilities, even the things I CAN do. I have been personally horified by some of the things done in the name of therapy...some of the things I have come across.... So I can absolutly agree that some odd things are done in the name of. I kind of like the word....its just so...damaged.....I think the word therapy NEEDS therapy. I don't believe that anyone needs anything wrong with them to want to improve an aspect of there life, Yet that often seem to be peoples starting point...........they come across problems, which are two things in opposition that shouldnt be, and from that the form a self determend change to do something about it.

For some people...and this is really alot of people...mabie most, it is really their first time at really being self determined in a long time........we grow up dependent, and then poooof, we "graduate" and then we have a birthday and at that specific moment we are dropped from the nest.
Pay taxes, get a job, get married, buy a house, love your relatives, have a child, Don't eat too much, Dont drink too much, WWJD?, WWSD?, join a cult, dont join a cult, have a goal that is your own and not one that has been superimposed upon you. I like it when people know who they are but when they say....IM ME!!! with that big weird allagater grin...the kind where you say yeah right........I notice times that I feel like this some times....force a smile for good old mom or whatever, or be nice to the neighbors...social machinery is odd.......it can become slightly automatic or even close to fully.

It's tricky to recover ones true WHOLE self(im not even close, the range of human(spiritual) potential is so high that it is....well its beyond labeling), who they are, after it has been submurged bellow other peoples purposes, and then all the current present time problems that are layed upon one....good old economic slavery........for me this has been the most difficult aspect of recovering my WILL, my presence, my ......abilities that I forgot that I had.
But here I am talking about MY chart....astrology is just so odd.....it still blows my mind.......psychology has a bad name as well, and also a stigma....christ...what doesn't(laughing) Chrstianity? Peganism? Anrachism?
they all have those negative stigmas.....sometimes they just have a few negative personalities, and people have the tendency...out of confusion...and time is an issue as well..............to throw out the baby with the bathwater.....then comes that form of isolation...that....cyncicm....I believe that is the right word....and it's so easy to fall into that in this current age....this moment in our evolution, devolution, anyones guess is as good as mine when it comes to which and when and from where one looks in history or present....Whose creating our futures?.........many create their future viewpoints based upon the past...some dont know they are doing that...that they are creating a future....from their past.......their viewpoints....postulates...decisions....thoughts.. ..in this continuous time stream, the figure 8, that we call our personal realities, that enmesh with the personal realities of others....wars only come in enforcement of those realities...and even the most beautifull of realities created, dies in a flash of violence......an agreement to form a disagreement......the force, the power behind the implosion and death of realities, visions, creations, and dreams is emence. saddening really...there is a pushed out feeling to it.......a nakedness......in a cold world......many don't even know who they are anymore......soldiers forging forward, lifeless eyes, pushed and not personally directed....I have had to Fight for my self determenism...its so easy to slip, to loose that form of personal power, to loose ones fire.
The death of Identities is difficult as well.
Madmen force their identities upon others in an attempt to submurge the identities of others....there is a moment of death and rebirth as well....fanaticism can be a very unshakable thing in many....the pain is emence in the loss of an identity......many people have more then one....its not that a person looses themselves in one instant...and its not even that they lost themselves really...that can be a tricky word....loss...really its just a percieved loss....a current mood....an emotion...they are still there...just somewhere else..or a part of themself...in incriments....moments, sections...places they were in time and space......places you are not any longer.....times you are not longer....but still are.....time stream(s)......living partially whole as a being...as a presence.....a shapeless thing that has the abilty to flow, beyond the dimensions of material reality.

The spirit has come a long way.
Identities are a part of the game.
This place, this earth, is a field......
To live for the pleasure of living, and not from the fear of death.
pleasure towards.
not fear and moving away.
Confronting pain is the hardest part, yet the most rewarding for then one regains the experience and then the pain is gone...just the beautifull lesson, never to be repeated again.....karma is karma.
And really all lessons are beautifull, they just need to be cleaned up every once and a while, shined up, so they can be percieved and duplicated....its the pain in them..UHHhhhh...those moments...that drive people away from their very selves....in the shatters of moments of creation which took the force of Gods sharing a world, which is my own personal belief....we are fragements of a creator, a void, a source, infinite, without boundaries and borders, beyond individuality, AND, coexistence as divisional structures.

One of my favorite mental processes for removing mental programing, forms of brainwashing, was created by a friend of mine...brainwashing is such a HEAVY term, but welll....mabie a better term would be, quickly accepted beliefs that are possobly limited in the current life one would like to live, or is living, and one doesn't know it yet that the decisions of the past can have such an effect upon how one CREATES and percieves the future, their own and well...if your here.......mankinds. The process is called belief stripping.

I Have found things with this process that I could not believe...sometimes it was just bad training that I had completely blocked out....when it came to view I first contacted moments of anger or fear...just the emotion, and then the moment would come to view....an enforced Belief, or idea, or beingness......a way of being in the world, of presenting myself...I still have my own now, but there is often either a subtle conflict that is really draining ones reserves......the product of running this "mental" process is....you just feel freer, to do the stuff you'd like to do anyway....its sort of like a recovery of self, that adds to the self that you already have....redirected life force.......it really gives one a sence or ONES OWN purpose, not somebody elses(yuck) unless you wish, that's the beuaty of it.....Freedom......So here it is
Imagine someone that has a very warm, high mood level, kind of like tough love without fists, stern, tight, and directing, asking you these questions and acknowleging you with the words between the numbered words...this is a beginer step to the belief stripping process......this is a PRESCENCE process. I suppose present is being here, being now without fighting then or later.

1)Perform a way of being present.


2)What are you doing?


3)Where are you?


4) How Big are you? (ex: Size of your eyebrow? Size of the room?)


5)Does that trigger or remind you of something?? (If just yes go to 6.)


6)Tell me about it.(this is where you just outflow talk to that person...doesn't even have to be a real person.....when finsished talking about it go to number 7)

7) Continue perfoming a way of being present


Take your time with these, practicing each of the steps, feeling it out, cycling out, ouflowing the comuincation to the questions, answering them,
over and over, untill you feel comfortable, winning.
If you feel over accessed...like two much at once...these deacessors bellow should do at those forms of manifestation. the go to 6) then to 7) and so on.



Does this remind you of something?

Did something come to mind?

Were you thinking of something?

Is this reminding you of something?

Am I reminding you of something?

Is this room reminding you of something?

Is something in this room reminding you of something?



acknowledge those times and reminders if your intial answer is no, just try it a few more times untill something deacesses, and you spot the time it it.....these are to be inserted in the above presence process any time a physical manifestation pops up....jerks, twitches, thoughts, embarasment, weird laughter, unpealsant emotion, funny mood, scratching head nervously, whatever.....These ARE CONFIDANCE PROCESSES, whatever type of distractor that forces your attention off of where it is suposed to be, by your decission.
Really the above process is beautiflull for increasing ones confidence, its takes away odd nervousness that seemingly comes from nowwhere....it is aimed at the subconcious(bellow or outside of current awareness) in a way to uncover stuff and also to realize......it isn't here today, without just telling yourself"it isn't here today), so you are here today, now, or whenever......at will...instead of it being an overdub on the enviroment or the mind....this is more common then one would like to believe.

and.....
I have to go to bed, get some rest, I'll post the belief stripping process tomarrow, I dont even know why I am putting this process here, wild hair, I want others to have success with it as well.......weird stuff that I picked up was........just..... less resistance to comands and having to fight comands from others, like "do that!" or what ever...or even when people call my name....My head used to sort of jerk arround, like HUH? now, i dont know how to explain it....It's not self controll with force, like i hold myself or anything.........more like I am freeer in my movements, more fluid, like in a calm breeze, that sence of calm space and its just....quiet...but not that too quiet feeling, Like after a good massage, that light feeling, float on air or wahtever....baaaahhhhh, Im tired

the belief stripping process is only 3 lines
repeated over and over again but they seem to dig really deep and uncover the oddest of stuff that once is unburried and confronted...after one......faces...the fears, thoughts, whatever in it and of course...INDIVIDUALLY, that is what deacess questions are for...so one realizes ones present position...its to split the time of then and now that that animal brain part of a body decides to confuse...giving fight or flight nevousness, picking your nose, whatever, and its alot more fun smiling knowingly and flowing it then doing it nervously, and its alot more fun telling someone that you really dont like to just go to hell, and doing it cooly, confidently, calmly, with no reaction on you part, they can't push a button on you find a weakness that bends you down, and they do, they know, your there, Present, your not scared, squicking the words out....eek....***** off.....they just......it forms mutual respect almost efortlessly.......Some people need you to look them in the eye and not have you remind them of what your goofy mind is saying is there even if you dont really know its putting it there.........ever seen the guy who puts the cup on the table and then hynotically stares off in the distance and then reaches over to grab his imaginary cup that he thinks is there, insead of the real cup, and knocks it all over in someone's lap...OOPS! I've done that before. Trance states.......UHHHhhhhh.....

Have Fun!
yoyowarior

[strangeronearth]

Tsquare, your post was awesome! I appreciate you and everyone else's contributions. Personal experience truly is the best teacher, for yourself AND others. I just love a good life story (with an astrological emphasis)...i take so much from them.

Ironically, things are looking up for me (just got a serving gig at a super-busy Applebee's today) after believing that my life was truly ****** & over. My subconscious Arian spark bolstered by a tight trine to uranus in sag always seems to say "**** u i'm happy" to all my Scorpio mess.

Anyway, I really want to encourage anyone else who's wrestling with a challenging chart to share their experience. It's therapeutic & highly informative for readers/students. Nothing beats an astrologically-informed first-person narrative. Rock on, TSquare & I'm gonna look into the meditation & energy techniques you mentioned.

[wayne penner]

Just a few comments.

The fact that you say you don’t know who you really are, and are always acting, well my experience has been that there are people twice your age who haven’t a clue who they are. Most of us see only a little of ourselves and not much of others, and being aware of that condition is indeed a great insight in one so young. Pat yourself on the back … everyone is acting but the difference is that you know it and they don’t…

I think you are far too hard on yourself. Also, the drugs/alcohol/sex thing is not uncommon in the young. I am now an old guy, but I could tell you tales of the excesses in the 60’s that would make anything you’ve ever done make you appear saintly.

I am not at all advocating the use of drugs or alcohol (sex is a different matter) but at some point you grow out of it - haven’t smoked dope in over 30 years - it just got boring.

Scorpio is often a tough sign, but it does indeed produce true heroes in the end. Hard Mars aspects can destroy relationships and cause people to be irrational and impulsive, sometimes doing and saying silly things and taking undue risk. Scorpio often attracts undesirable friends into the life, and Neptune in 11th does not help here. So you might consider taking stock of those who are a negative force in your life and getting rid of them.

But there is a great deal of good in your chart. The planetary placements are very strong, mostly elevated, and Jupiter in Pisces rising is an enormous benefit to others. You can be an immense inspiration to others. Even though you feel isolated and alone at the moment, and some, perhaps even most people think you are just a little unusual or eccentric, there are some who have great admiration for you, even if they don’t voice that. You are very honest in telling people what is on your mind – you speak your opinions clearly and decisively. Some people can’t deal with directness. Sometimes though you might want to consider others’ feelings - your directness can be overly blunt and aggressive at times. You might want to consider honing your writing talent as it looks like you have some innate ability here.

As you clean up your drug habit, and that would be a good thing, you will notice how differently people behave toward you. You will also find that your self-esteem improves, you dress better, you walk better. Drugs and booze are a diversion.

You also really should consider that you are very young. Take it from one who has been there, life gets better as you get older, when you stop worrying about things that aren’t worth worrying about. You’ll see …

Get back to your education if you can, concentrate on that, and consider finding some way to help others who are worse off than you, through volunteer work at the local hospital for example.

[Kingsley]

Interesting enough, the word Therapist can be broken into "The rapist"

I agree that booking an appointment or going to the counsellor can be an automatic default to being a patient or client. That in itself may infer to some people that there is something wrong with them.

There is no getting around that equation or type of thinking if one requires professional help. I am a client when I go to supervision and sometimes I feel sick of that process (after 10 years) but mostly I feel ok about it because I know that it helps me and therefore my own clients.

Astrology can be perhaps one of the best forms of Self-therapy however there will come a time when the chart may reveal something that one needs some extra help with. I think good therapy is one where eventually a client 'forgets' they are the client in session.

kingsley

[undertoad]

Hi strangeronearth.

What a load you're dealing with! I don't mean your chart, but what you tell of your life.

This is just my 2 small currency units worth: but I'd go with Arian Maverick and urge you to find someone to work with who can help you deal with all this stuff. As others have said the words "therapy" and "therapist" are terrible, loaded words. They carry a connotation that "getting therapy" is like taking your car to the garage to get the clutch replaced - it's a standard procedure, and the only difference between garages is how quickly they do it, whether they "do a good job" and how much they charge. As if helping someone figure out extremely difficult things in their life is a standard job!

It's not - that T word should be about finding someone who really gets where you're coming from, who you judge worthy to share intensely charged things about yourself with. And, as a secondary thing, who is trained and experienced in working with people in this way. The training and profession are the enabler, a secondary thing (though they are very important - there are people out there who prey on people in difficulty by pretending to offer to help them, and may all the gods keep you far away from such people. A qualification and training show that the person is utterly committed to ethical behaviour). But ultimately it's the person who counts, and whether you can work with them.

I hope you can find someone great to work with. Thinking in astrological terms can only sharpen up your insight so that you judge well. But I (personally) don't believe the stars can actively help you with difficulties like this - they can only give you insight, and sometimes another person is necessary to help use those insights. Use the awareness you obviously have, be critical but also give any "T-ist" you deal with a chance - a good "T-ist" is not a car mechanic who will supposedly tell you everything you need to know (which if you're like me, you don't know, about cars) - working with someone in "T-apy" is a two-sided relationship like any other relationship.

I'm sorry I can't help with interpreting your chart. Partly lack of knowledge, partly because to be honest I've just come out of a relationship with someone who like you has bravely dealt with incredibly difficult things, and I'm too tired to delve in!

I have enormous admiration for you and your will to survive, just as I do for my ex. All I can do is wish you all the best!