Lost

M_cutter · #1 09-29-2007, 08:45 AM

Hi

This is my chart and I am feeling rather lost and depressed lately. I even had several nightmares about my life, which is not common. First one came when I dreamt that my bf didn't love me anymore and then not much later this bf of 2 years have left me for another girl. And it's not such a bad thing, I've been very positive about it and we are still friends. I constantly battling with the emotional side of me, questioning why do I have to "FEEL" so much, being a cancerian. I want to be strong and powerful like an aries/leo and carefree like a saggi. And I feel at times I am capable and popular but sometimes I just feel extremely lost about my own identity.

Mostly happens when I am single, I dread the loneliness too much. Am I trying to suppress my "cancerian" traits so much cos I hate it so much... I hate the emotional side of me because when I dated an aries, I loved how they just know what they want and never let anything get in the way, especially ruled by the head not heart. He told me that I was being "too accomodating" in the relationship but I felt I did everything right, my aim was to make him happy and so much sacrifices on my part. Maybe an aries man need a challenge. I think to be successful in life you have to sacrifice your emotional sides.

Yet when I dated Pisces and Virgos (whom i'm connected to get along with very well). I was always the heartbreaker and now I've become the heartbroken by an ARIES!! gawd I swear i don't want to date another aries, yet i KNOW i am SOOO attracted by their zest!

Well, to sum it up, I really feel like I am just "losing" myself and don't know what's the best way to deal with it all.

M_cutter · #2 09-29-2007, 08:49 AM

Sorry this is my chart....who am I suppose to me? How to I know myself better and get rid my demons?

wilsontc · #3 09-29-2007, 03:12 PM

Sharon,

You have most of your planets focused on the left (self) side of the chart, so you need to focus on yourself. Focusing on others cuts you off from your own energy and causes you to "lose yourself" (as you mentioned). Since more planets are located on the bottom (inner world) left part of your chart, you need to use what you know about yourself to develop your inner world. Again, denying this by focusing on others causes you to lose track of that inner world. You have a strong focus in the 2nd house (physical, also personal values), indicating you need to focus on what is valuable to YOU, not to others. You have North node (future goals) focused in the 11th house (friends), indicating you need to have "friends" in your life (people who are close but not TOO close).

Your life is about your self. Denying your self and trying to keep close ties with those around you goes against who you are. This all may be your attempt to "fit in" with the "normal" people out there, but your nature is to do what YOU need to do, whether it is normal or not. Work on loving your "you" time, on loving yourself and who you are and this feeling of "emptiness" will go away.

Youing,

Tim

Spin · #4 09-29-2007, 04:21 PM

Sharon, keep in mind that this is a particularly challenging time for relationships with transiting Saturn squaring your natal Venus and Uranus, ruler of your 7th. No wonder you're not feeling confident. Life will get better but at least in the realm of relationships it may take a while.

You have an interesting blend of characteristics--water Sun and Moon crave security and emotional closeness while your love planet, Venus in Gemini opposing Uranus needs stimulation and freedom. What a mix!

M_cutter · #5 09-30-2007, 09:16 AM

Thanks Tim and Spin,
This depression comes and go, like a tide really.
But you're right, it is this period of time that's difficult for me to handle my singlehood. especially knowing that the one closest to me, discarded me for another one. It's like losing your best friend, at the same time you will think you weren't good enough.

The confusion also comes from the deep desire inside me to always please people. Sometimes I think I live to make one happy, that makes me happy too to know I did something for a person..

I am a highly contradicted person, I crave for emotional security at the same time I hate being tied down by routine !

Lin · #6 09-30-2007, 07:14 PM

Hi Sharon,
I agree with what's been said, but I want to reiterate the importance of the Saturn squares, especially the Saturn square Venus, at this time. Sature hasn't squared Venus yet, and the square won't be over till July of next year. When Saturn makes these long lasting transits, you can consider it a "learning experience." So you need to figure out what you have to learn, because until you do this work on "the journey inward" you will not be happy or content. Part of it is probably career related. Try to figure out that part - ask yourself all the questions pertaining to your job and if you are happy, content and paid enough in that job.

But as Tim said, a lot has to do with your values. 3 of your planets are ruled by Venus, and they are in the 2nd house. When the house of values is highlighted, it means that values are a lifelong issue in the native's life. So there are questions about values you need to ask yourself.
Am I living my own value system or that of family or the society around me?
What do I value in a Man? Are the traits which I value in a man those which I can live with? Do they support my "solar" need? (which means your Sun in Cancer needs.)
Are the men I'm attracted to too Saturnian? Do they remind me of male role models from my childhood, who might not have given me what I needed?

Am I co-dependent? This is a whole issue in itself and maybe you need to read up on this subject.

Do I pick relationships with "built in endings?"
Am I a co-conspirator in the demise of relationships?

Do I NOT validate my real needs? These are security and devotion and loyalty....as shown by the positions of your Sun and Moon.

Many water sign people find that they feel way too vulnerable if they show their true needs, and therefore DON'T.... and consequently they show a paralell side of themselves.... not their authentic selves.... and so they can't attract an authentic "others."

Also, if the above were not enough, transitting Jupiter is opposing your Mercury, encouraging you to THINK and LEARN. When Jupiter enters Capricorn,it will oppose your Sun, which is in the 11th house of goals. This might help you, though not right away, as it it also be squaring Mars at the same time. BUT... what it might do for you is make clearer what your authentic goals are, and therefore keep you from wasting time with people who are short term tenants in your life.

If you study your own chart more deeply, you will see all the things I'm talking about. Get some really good, traditional materials to use and start the journey inward.
LIN

M_cutter · #7 10-03-2007, 04:13 AM

Lin,

You have opened a lot of doors for me. I think you are so right. I was growing up in household where my dad is an alcoholic and my mum is always 'complaining" to me about him, and I was practically there for everyone in the family all the time. I was the favourite child cos I was the most responisble and I had to keep everyone together, until I met this man that needed me "more" and I could run away from my real family problems. Even so Now, I don't want to deal with my mum or my dad and my sister anymore. They kinda drive me crazy with their everday problems. My dad is astill an alcoholic and i realised there is no way I can keep this family together and they have to learn to figure things out themselves.
About my job, I do love what I'm doing more than anything (i work as a graphic designer) but I really find it so mundane and meaningless at times, in terms of contribution to the world. It is one of those big heartless, valueless corporation. I really need a bigger challenge. Which is why I've been considering to work overseas, but I have to slowly work towards building a good solid work to do that and I've procrastinated too much about this....I live in such a busy city, that to not feel lonely, i occupy myself with friends alot. There is really no time here for your own work. This country itself is very stifling and controlling and it stops people from progressing. This is often a problem and I 've been waiting to leave this place for such a long time. I guess I'm just so worried about money and finding a job overseas.

I think I am LEARNING very slowly but steadily, trying to occupy myselves to activities I love and what I want to do. But it is difficult for me to not CARE about what other ppeople want. Constantly afraid of hurting people's feelings. That fear is overbearing.

Thre is so much to
work on myself. I really never realised that....
Thanks for that.

Sharo

dylan · #8 10-07-2007, 03:09 PM

Many water sign people find that they feel way too vulnerable if they show their true needs, and therefore DON'T.... and consequently they show a paralell side of themselves.... not their authentic selves.... and so they can't attract an authentic "others."

You were so right. As a water sign myself, i didn't realize till i read this. And no wonder i find it so hard to meet authentic water signs people.

Lin · #9 10-08-2007, 10:10 PM

Sharon,
Don't give up a good job unless you have a clear visualization of all the steps you want and need to take to make big changes, like relocation.
I believe that by the time of your Saturn return you will have this clear vision and will probably be ready, willing and able to make changes.

Don't feel guilty just because you can't single-handedly fix the world.
There's an old saying, "Think globally, act locally." do what you can in your part of the world for now. Later you can do more.

I'm wondering if there are 12 step groups or other types of groups where you live that focus on codependence.... in the US we have Al-Anon AC, which is for the adult children of alcoholics. I attend Al-Anon meetings, and have on and off through the years. It is amazing how these can help, because you will soon realize that there is nothing unique in all the pain you grew up with, and the co-dependence which attends it. It takes a while to "keep the focus on yourself" but once you get the hang of it, a lot of guilt disappears.
Remember guilt is ruled by Neptune, just as addiction is, and you can be just as addicted to it.
LIN

Lin · #10 10-08-2007, 10:14 PM

Dylan, the longer you study astrology, and use your own chart as the focus of that study (along with the charts of others you know well) the more you will get to know about yourself.
Then you have to begin to unlearn all the negative programming you received. We all receive negative programming in one way or another.... or programming which just "does not SERVE" us.
It's a long journey.
LIN

dylan · #11 10-09-2007, 03:51 AM

Thanks Lin. All this time i been trying to listen to my heart more than my head. I used to supress so much in me. I got lots of water in my chart. I hope to be able to see and learn more throughout life. Been watery is hard, but I love to be one.

I hope the best for Sharon too !