Philosophical point about life

This whole fatedness thing about life is being drummed into me like you wouldnt believe. I see signs of people's actions leading them to fated consequences in the end, I see how the core of our being is the only thing we've got in this world. I am no stranger to this at all. I dont care what religions' say about "free will" or "free choice" its only a sugar coated feeling to the chaotic world we live in. It seems i've been escaping lately through religion and even through astrology, Im coming to terms that everything is up to me...**** what anyone thinks about me or says about me and this and that, i've been told too long what to think and how to behave by my parents, friends, teachers and society, its time I get strong and think for myself but not isolate any loved ones in the process. Does anyone realize how short life is and what a pity it is to follow those who say they know the truth, when the truth is in you! And even if I believe in a Creator I dont need to know the truth through the visions of other people , I will experience it myself, **** we humans are ******* godly dont you think? We have it in us, we can create medicine to heal our wounds, thats ******* inspiring...
Im ranting off about this because my head's been against the wall too long lately, and there is nothing left for me to think but in terms that everything is up to me! Its probably just silly to think like this cause i feel like we're walking Judas's anyway, a man who betrayed Jesus and led him to his deathbed, competely fated in all that he did but couldn't help it.
The other thing is that I wont want to ask God for help anymore, for the stupidest **** that I can do myself, because quite frankly after i was partly possessed in a dream and shown a vivid truth in my dream that we can either surrender our thoughts to the "greater good" or surrender our thoughts to negativity and evil (thats why i saw that i was temporarily possessed) I am so withdrawn about it all, I dont want to seek the truth anymore...
In the dream, it was like I was shown from a 3-D view of how when I make a negative choice, literally a swoosh of evil forces sweeps over me and overpowers me to the hilt that I surrender my thoughts and actions to nothing but to it but when I had a good thought or intent the forces dissapated, also it seemed that Jesus figured in the equation too, its cause ive been drummed in about that too, but sometimes i think he is out there and benevolent toward society but i want to deny it to follow my own way...i just made my mind that negative/evil inclinations keep you boxed in a fatalistic way whilst those moments of bliss are what the evil foces cannot so as to merely touch...what do you think?
Even if I choose to adopt what religions have said or not, I am still an ex-escapist waking up from her blindedness...