self destroyer - reknowned designer?

[balefully]

Hi all,

If you can help?

I had a tarot reading lately to seek guidance on career direction and was told I am a self destroyer. I detested what I heard but on reflection, she seems right. I don't want to but it seems I am.

When I was 28, I was hoping Saturn Return can help to correct the wrongs and pushed me to the right direction but, at the age of 32 now, it seems I am still stuck in the all so familiar situation of not knowing what to do with life. I'm sick of this hidden pattern and feel powerless to break through this vicious cycle. Is this something I have to live with till my death bed?

For the last 10 years, I have tried many different jobs but none seem to fit. I am now earning a living as a designer but this career path is full of hard obstacles. When I was having Saturn Return, I told myself it could only just be a rough patch. But now, 4 years after SR, I'm still no where here and there.

My 6th and 10th Mercury makes no aspect to the 5th house planets at all. Could it really mean I am not cut out for this field?

With POF on the 11th opposite my Sun and Jupiter in the 5th, does it mean I will always be a starving artist? Can I ever make it to the top as a well applauded designer?

I'm kinda sick of myself now.

bale

[wilsontc]

bale,

You said:

was told I am a self destroyer...I am still stuck in the all so familiar situation of not knowing what to do with life...For the last 10 years, I have tried many different jobs but none seem to fit. I am now earning a living as a designer but this career path is full of hard obstacles.

You have a least aspected Gemini (thinking) modifying Mercury (thinking) focused in the 6th house (daily work). This means your "thinking" energy does not "connect in" very well with your chart. So you OVERthink your daily work in an effort to "feel connected" to your daily work. Instead, realize that a little thinking goes a LONG way. Focus on doing your job well and use your thinking ability to think of ways to SUCCEED and GROW at your job. That is when the success and growth will happen!

Thinkingly,

Tim

[cassanra]

Tim, I enjoy your breakdown of the signs....it has been quite helpful for me. I find the more information on topic it helps to see a more demensiol picture as I am just putting the pieces together.

[zona967]

The money-bringer (ruler of 2nd house) conjuncts the creativity-master (ruler of 5th) so the two could be connected. With so many planets in a Taurus-Scorpio opposition, no wonder you are such a moaner. Who's a better pessimist than these two signs? Chiron in Aries adds to the "never-happy" disposition. I find it funny but... since Aries is the sign of outward appearance, Chiron in Aries also means "taking care of other people's outward appearance", much like a designer. Chiron also points to identity troubles and this Scorpio-Taurus thing puts stability and change at a tough fight. These planets being in a 5th-11th house opposition suggests oscilating between taking care of yourself and taking care of others. The pull is more in the direction of putting youself center-stage, but the North Node in the 11th house might subconsciously make you feel guilty about it. By the way, self-destructive behaviour is generally the result of subconscious feelings of guilt ("I did something bad so I deserve punishment, I will punish myself to alleaviate the feelings of guilt and not feel so bad about myself".) Just a guess, maybe something was going on when you were young (and /or just taking place at home) and you are trying to suppress it (ruler of 4th in 12th house). Since you have a double T-square arising from all the tension, the planets at the focal point (Saturn and Mars in Cancer) might as well help tone down some of it. In Cancer, they might sugget face it all with love, don't search for imperfections and all that (it might also mean "forgive yourself, let go".) It is interesting that these two planets are also the rulers of the money-making house and the creativity house (2nd and 5th) which might mean that money and true creativity will flow in part as a resolution of the Taurus-Scorpio (5th-11th house) tension. The ruler of the much-valued 8th house (Moon) is in the 7th house meaning someone could actually help you with sorting things out. And Moon in Gemini might mean thinking it through is the key (kinda what wilsontc says in fact in two sentences ). And one final thing, Moon opposes Neptune, and if the latter is indeed the bearer of the trauma, that kinda supports the aforementioned.

[balefully]

Thanks wilson and Zona.

Wilson, right on with the OVERthink. Astrologically, is procrastination my second name?

Zona, you hit the bull eye too. I've been living my life to take care and shoulder the responsibilities of my family and friends but not because I feel guilt about taking care of myself, it is more because I have no personal goals or desires in life. I lack of passion and drive which I can't help with. Nothing sustain my interest and passion long. I don't know what I want in life and kinda sick of myself for the constant lost of direction. The harder I try to define, to set a goal, the more depressed and helpless I feel. Not a born pessimist though.

Now, I'm trying to do a major brainwash and make money making as a goal but.. somehow, I am not that motivated at all. I know it sounds ********, who on earth is not motivated by money? I envisioned the comfort of able to afford anything I want to but that is only an envision that provides me some comfort temporary but I can't set forth in actual action to pursue it.

Neptune sitting on ASC, is this something that I have to constantly battle with? Self identity, self worth and lack of goal and direction?

[balefully]

Someone told me a good designer will not have Neptune on ASC, how true is that?