Dear m_Adison--
I lost my first post midway through. Hopefully I won't ***** this up.
Like you, I have Scorpio Ascendant, Leo Midheaven, Aquarius Sun, and I hate to have people hear me play piano, although at various times my passion (not as large as yours) has consumed me. Having music in my life is quite important to me.
m_Adison said:
I am so self-conscious that it makes it hard for me to get onstage.. because, I'm so worried what everyone is thinking...
1a. The Scorpio Ascendant wants to hide -- too vulnerable -- doesn't want to get scratched by contact with insensitive or less sensitive people.
1b. With all those planets in your personal houses and none, except Pluto, an outer planet, in your outer houses, everything is a personal experience for you -- that outside world is a foreign place. Career isn't a real draw for you (pardon me for not being able to speak about some of the later-discovered planets -- someone else may have a different "take" on this).
1c. With Midheaven in Leo, you will perform when the rest of your personality is ready for you to perform. Leo is the sign of the performer. You've got what it takes.
m_Adison said:
Problem is.. I'm going to pursue music as a career.. but, I'm not a self-starter... I hate to lose... so, I don't want to compete....
2a. Saturn conjunct Mars makes you really really competitive, you want to assert yourself, but it's also very anxiety-producing for you.
2b. Meanwhile, Saturn in the first house makes you really really want to perform, but it's so important to you it's also very anxiety-producing for you. This will be your life's work -- getting comfortable with performing.
m_Adison said:
...I'm a freaking lunatic of a perfectionist when it comes to music.. I hear all mistakes....
Pluto in the 12th increases this.
m_Adison said:
...I feel music... I breathe it.. it is a part of me...
What a marvelous result of that Aquarian stellium! And oh, what a stellium it is! And it sextiles Uranus -- I would think that's where a lot of that musical inclination comes from.
And practically all of those planets oppose your Midheaven!
Your 3rd house stellium makes you want to communicate with others, it is your joy (Venus) and an adventure (Jupiter) and your way of expressing yourself (Mercury ) and what puts you at ease (Moon), and it is the thing you are shaping your entire life around (Sun).
I'm going to get a progressed chart on you to see what progressions have in store. I hope I can do that without the original data -- actual time and name of location. But first, I'll offer this:
Youth is like a bucking bronco -- the hormones it offers provides the energy to accomplish great things, but channeling that energy is the challenge. If you can take good care of your health, you'll still have some energy left when the tornado passes by.
-- C Jayne