Lost Spirit, I am sorry to hear this and I wonder why, when you had this since you were 13, nobody has sent you, and lateron, why you yourself did not seek professional help. There must be a reason for these bouts of depression, for instance, you could have some sort of hormonal imbalance maybe causing this.(not saying that that is the reason but you never know with depression). Have you ever been medically checked on this?-
Looking at your chart I see a very dignified Ascendant ruler, strong in the 1st house and strong in own sign. Then I also see a wonderfully placed Moon, also very strong in own sign and in the fortunate 11th house.(traditionally). And they sextile one another!! AND I see a dignified Jupiter in the 4th house in own sign. Three great positions showing strength, so I cannot imagine that you would be a person who thinks about suicide all the time if it were not caused by a physical imbalance
or a psychological trauma.
Yes, Mercury squares Neptune, but Neptune trines the ruler of your Sun. The square can make you a bit delusional and too gullible, prone to desillusions, not really knowing who you really are and that in turn can make you feel very awkward when you are in the public view with that Chiron in the 10th. You might feel different for some reason and think maybe that people dont like you. Maybe you feel worthless. This often happens with Chiron in the 10th house. And as you see, Chiron squares your Ascendant exactly.
,I like to think some random person will do the dirty job for me
I dont think this is a very healthy thought and you really should try not think of death all the time and your own death and whatever. It is probably Neptune, ruler of the 8th trining your Venus, ruler of your Sun bringing these ideas up. Also Moon-Puto of course. By the way, that Venus of yours has to wide an orb to be in square aspect to Uranus/Jupiter. 10° is wide for a square. Mars is and because it conjuncts that Venus, I think Venus is being pulled into that square through Mars. This could cause you to push people away, not wanting too close contact with others. the Neptune square Mercury underlines this.
I'm surprised that after these years of having these thoughts I never lost my sense of humor.It's probably another part of the brain
I think it is your Sun sextile Jupiter/Uranus. (extreme=Uranus, optimism=Jupiter).
Thank God you have this aspect in your chart. It is not only sense of humor, it also gives you optimism which probably saves you in the end.
Now where could all this come from if it is
not a hormonal imbalance? You pointed out the Pluto-Moon square. But I also have that in my chart AND a Sun-Pluto square and I never think of these things, so that is not really a valid argument
unless you can give a reason for it. It does tend to make you a passionately deep feeling person however, who can be hurt easily.
Which house does Pluto rule in your chart? Your 4th, your family and early upbringing and I suspect that maybe
there lies the reason for these bouts of depression you have.
Something probably happened to you in your childhood and it could have scarred you and subconsciously make you want to kill yourself. These feelings come back to you, also subconsciously, maybe because something is triggered in that 4th house or that Moon-Pluto square being transited by the Moon (as you say it lasts so shortly).
The Pluto-Saturn conjunction squares your Mars /Ascendant conjunction and that shows violence. That together with an exact Uranus/Jupiter conjunction in the house of family could therefore show domestic violence which could have strongly affected you and undermined you selfconfidence and selfworth. There could also be alot of pent-up aggression and anger inside yourself.
Still, you cannot put all the blame on the stars. Please read again what I wrote above in my post nr.26 and Nexus's post nr.35. Try concentrating on the positive aspects of your chart. Your creative side (sculpting as a hobby could be a good outlet for you!).
There could be something physically or psychologically out of balance when you have these thoughts and urges. These moments dont just come from nowhere and certainly not from the stars!
[QUOTE by PNDT]
In commiting suicide, mercury plays major role and Moon is the doer.
[/QUOTE]
And this cannot be the reason here either. Your Mercury as well as your Moon are very strongly placed, notwithstanding the square from Mercury to Neptune which makes you a dreamer rather than a suicider. Mercury plays a major role only when there are signs of mental illness I would think and in your chart does not aspect the ruler of your 6th house.
Moon most always functions as
trigger to progressions and such, Moon is not "the doer" in my opinion. But maybe PNDT means exactly that.
I do hope you will seek help because it would be a shame to just waste your life and almost waiting for your death to come around the corner. That really is no way to live, pardon me saying this. There is a lot of good to be seen in your chart and the Mutual Reception between Venus and your Sun shows you could be artistic as well. Venus rules your MC so maybe a career in the arts would be something to pursue.
Good luck, STarlink.