Why am I so afraid of my own power??

Hi

I've been a passive participant in life for much of my life I'm starting to realise. Situations though lately have presented themselves that have forced me to view myself differently (mostly I feel these power takeovers with my relationships). Situations lately that force me to take control otherwise I feel I'd be overcome ! Namely the situation involves a man that I desire very much, but feel would be absolutely no good for me to get involved with, but this man has alot of power over me (he is my boss). I feel this presents me with a chance to own my own power while being nice, feminine, honest and assertive, but this is something that I am so afraid of, afraid of the outcome that perhaps something terrible will happen to me if I refuse him, or that he would do something terrible to me....

I wonder if there is something in my chart that shows me this, why I have supressed my own power for so long and thus been presented with people in my life that 'take me over'.. In looking at my chart, I see no Pluto squares which would suggest to me power struggles to work through. I see Pluto trines though. Pluto trine to the Descendant ruler Mercury - could this show power issues to do with the men I have relationships with? This has always been the case. Pluto also trine to Venus, 5th and 10th rulers. This I think shows the power issues I have with relationships.

Pluto is also inconjunct my Moon, which could show my uneasyness with handling my power.

I also wondered if this has something to do with past karma. Pluto is trine the South Node and sextile the North Node, makes me thing this has something to do with past karma. A friend suggested that something terrible happened to me when I took charge of a situation in the past, maybe a past life, so now I keep it all inside. Moon is square the Nodes, suggesting the challenge I have with power. Squares are something that can be resolved however internally, and these make us stronger, like shaping us and moulding us in a way we will learn from.

The person that is stirring all this up has his Pluto/Uranus in trine with his Mars, and my Sun trines these, makes these into a grand trine. He is stirring up my hidden recesses with his Plutonian/Uranian and Martian energies. The trine is nice though, I hope for these energies to remain harmonious.

I also notice that Lilith is featuring strongly in my life now. I have progressed Sun in Pisces conjunct progressed Lilith, and in natal chart transiting Lilith is now approaching my natal Capricorn Sun, 4 degrees away now. I feel perhaps its also her energies merging with me. Perhaps she is showing me how to be a 'wild woman', owning my own feminine power and standing up for myself and what I truely want in life. In the past when confronted with situations, I may have used mild deception (Neptune rising and Pisces Moon square each other) to get out of being honest, taking control of the situation. I also could never use my full feminine power by being nice while being assertive. Now I feel Lilith is showing me how to do this.
My chart is in my signature

Pluto inconjunct Moon is a perfect description of what you originally described. Pluto overpowers the Moon, which is then forced to adapt to the situation, or confront it, but not usually head on. [ That would be more of a Moon/Pluto opposition.] With the inconjunct, the Moon has mixed feelings, as it is midway between the trine and the opposition. In some ways it is intriqued and flattered, but then becomes annoyed and angry, and feels like rebelling. But the energy and reaction shifts back and forth, and the Moon may become attracted and repelled alternately. It is an ongoing power struggle, but the Moon is not an even match so it must rely upon it's emotional energy, and figure out what the Pluto really wants. Often the Pluto is looking for love and acquiesence and acceptance in the end.

Maybe it is more about wanting to be 'nice.' Neptune on the Ascendant, Pisces Moon square Neptune: compassionate, kind, but possibly distressed by the idea of having to be 'powerful?' If that means being anything less than kind?


Just a thought......

Ah thank you both, both make sense. Thanks

Katy, I think I see.. my Moon/emotional nature has to accept my powerful side, but this is where I have the conflict internally. The inconjuct like a growing uneasyness but I need to accept and recognise that side of myself that I have prefered to sweep under the carpet and put a pretty decoration over it.

Nexus, yup I always try to be nice, hate to see another person feeling pain but this means I'm too nice. And Pluto is there rumbling there in the background inconjuncting the Moon saying "don't forget about me"!

Incedentally the person that stirs this all up in me, my boss, has his Sun sextile to my Moon, so this forms the base of a yod to my Pluto. He seems to be a catalyst (his Pluto/Mars trine my Sun) to transforming my self (Sun). And his ego (his Sun sextile my Moon) give my Moon the chance to work through the inconjunct to my Pluto (yod).

Incedentally the person that stirs this all up in me, my boss, has his Sun sextile to my Moon, so this forms the base of a yod to my Pluto. He seems to be a catalyst (his Pluto/Mars trine my Sun) to transforming my self (Sun). And his ego (his Sun sextile my Moon) give my Moon the chance to work through the inconjunct to my Pluto (yod).
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VERY VERY NICE DELINEATION. Really clear explanation for your bosses role in your own internal inconjunct. He may in some sense be trying to empower you, and he may actually recognize your power and want you to grab hold of it and own it.

katydid said:

VERY VERY NICE DELINEATION. Really clear explanation for your bosses role in your own internal inconjunct. He may in some sense be trying to empower you, and he may actually recognize your power and want you to grab hold of it and own it.

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Thank you very much, glad I understand the astrology!

Yes I had a image of my boss and me talking today, soul to soul, on the soul level, in view of karma, I saw him saying to me, "its been a pleasure to have this dance with you in the life." Back to earth though, yes I really do feel he is transforming me in a positive way, I've gained so much more assertiveness since working for him, and this romantic situation he has presented me with now I feel will change me more, give me more strength - even though it strikes fear in my heart as to how I will handle it, I know I need to own my power in this one and assert myself in a nice way.

Go for it,sister! Seems like a nice guy and you deserve relaxation, peace and love

Neptune Rising said:

Incedentally the person that stirs this all up in me, my boss, has his Sun sextile to my Moon, so this forms the base of a yod to my Pluto. He seems to be a catalyst (his Pluto/Mars trine my Sun) to transforming my self (Sun). And his ego (his Sun sextile my Moon) give my Moon the chance to work through the inconjunct to my Pluto (yod).

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Well spotted!!!

I only have to add one thing here, and that is your Moon (in Pisces, too ) square Neptune. I also have that natal placement - along with a whole lot of strong Pluto stuff, which should render me a force to be reckoned with - and I'm forever digging myself out of lala-land and into the `real' world. The energy of this placement can be a creative force, but it can also be a swimming pool full of molasses, where I get stuck, then think: "Oh, well, this isn't so bad. I'll just swan around here for a year or two or three."

The best thing about this placement - other than describing an over-developed imagination - is the powerful intuitive abilities, which you obviously have.

Moon square Neptune can also make you a bit timid, too. Afraid of loud voices, and stuff like that.

R4VEN said:

Well spotted!!!

I only have to add one thing here, and that is your Moon (in Pisces, too ) square Neptune. I also have that natal placement - along with a whole lot of strong Pluto stuff, which should render me a force to be reckoned with - and I'm forever digging myself out of lala-land and into the `real' world. The energy of this placement can be a creative force, but it can also be a swimming pool full of molasses, where I get stuck, then think: "Oh, well, this isn't so bad. I'll just swan around here for a year or two or three."

The best thing about this placement - other than describing an over-developed imagination - is the powerful intuitive abilities, which you obviously have.

Moon square Neptune can also make you a bit timid, too. Afraid of loud voices, and stuff like that.

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Thanks

I've only known his date of birth a few weeks, prior to that I was just guessing, but could definitely feel the Pluto energy It seems the more I try to hide my power, the more the people around me get annoyed with me.

Lol Moon in Pisces, yes it does lead down a very interesting road at times. The square to Neptune, do you find you become a bit of a psychic sponge? Definately a need to find peaceful environments and people. My yoga and meditation practice helps to ground me.

Neptune Rising said:

The square to Neptune, do you find you become a bit of a psychic sponge? Definately a need to find peaceful environments and people. My yoga and meditation practice helps to ground me.

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Yoga & meditation is a good way of focusing your energy, which I'm sure can flow all over the place.

Psychic sponge? Oh - Yes, yes, yes!!! My hand is up for that one. I also have a water-sign moon, and the water-moons make this moreso I feel. Shopping Centres are very difficult for me. I get in and get iout of them as quickly as possible.

I have been told again and again how important it is that I do regular psychic protection practises, and I agree with that, but I am also currently dealing with a whole lot of `realities' which I absorbed from my parents while a child. My parents have both been dead a while, but what I `absorbed' from them remains.

NR said:

A friend suggested something happened in a past life......

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Your Leo/Aquarius sign axis (personal power/group power) is intercepted in 8th/2nd houses (as are Mercury/Venus), with Scorpio (psychological power) duplicated on cusps of 11th/12th and Taurus (earth mother) duplicated on cusps of 5th/6th.

For me, this suggests that an inappropriate attitude in the 5th and 11th houses (power) is reducing your effectiveness in the 6th/12th houses (service), which prevents you from fully exploiting the power of your communication and relationship skills (intercepted Leo/Aquarius/Mercury/Venus).

[Note : In the Scorpio/11th, perhaps you view Pluto as the source of power in groups (rather than the Sun).......And, in Taurus/5th, perhaps you view the qualities of the "earth mother" as lacking femininity.]

Edit : What I'm trying to get at here is the possibility that the reluctance to embrace your own power may be due to invalid views/assumptions........If you associate power with the kind of "pluto manipulations" that stem from greed/selfishness/excess testosterone, then the NR we know on this forum is never going to embrace it........However, if true power stems from having a personality/character that can be trusted to "always do the right thing by others" (The Leo/Aquarius power axis and the Taurus earth-mother), then I suspect you would readily embrace it.......So, maybe you are being prompted now to review your 5th/11th attitudes to power.

EJ

Have you thought about getting a different job? Sometimes you just have to start over so that your life and your work are not a soap opera, but separate from one another.
YOu have boundry issues, and if you don't say "stop", don't cross this line, from the beginning, it can all get pretty hairy and why do you need that? You need a real lover in your life. Someone not connectedto any part of your job.

What you describe as "power issues" begin in childhood....either your mom was timid and didn't teach you that woman have the right to be powerful, or you observed at home or other places relationships that left you with the "negative law" that you don't have the right to your boundries. You are what you have learned. Figure out where it began.
LIN
LIN

EJ53 said:

Your Leo/Aquarius sign axis (personal power/group power) is intercepted in 8th/2nd houses (as are Mercury/Venus), with Scorpio (psychological power) duplicated on cusps of 11th/12th and Taurus (earth mother) duplicated on cusps of 5th/6th.

For me, this suggests that an inappropriate attitude in the 5th and 11th houses (power) is reducing your effectiveness in the 6th/12th houses (service), which prevents you from fully exploiting the power of your communication and relationship skills (intercepted Leo/Aquarius/Mercury/Venus).

[Note : In the Scorpio/11th, perhaps you view Pluto as the source of power in groups (rather than the Sun).......And, in Taurus/5th, perhaps you view the qualities of the "earth mother" as lacking femininity.]

Edit : What I'm trying to get at here is the possibility that the reluctance to embrace your own power may be due to invalid views/assumptions........If you associate power with the kind of "pluto manipulations" that stem from greed/selfishness/excess testosterone, then the NR we know on this forum is never going to embrace it........However, if true power stems from having a personality/character that can be trusted to "always do the right thing by others" (The Leo/Aquarius power axis and the Taurus earth-mother), then I suspect you would readily embrace it.......So, maybe you are being prompted now to review your 5th/11th attitudes to power.

EJ

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Thanks very much EJ, you always give me so much to think about.

Yes this rings true for me. I seem to get involved with Plutonian things, sometimes at work. I used to try to play up to the people involved with me but never found sucess, so instead now I find giving love to the situation to be the only way I can heal these issues. I never used to respect the Earth-mother type energy but nowadays I admire it and look to cultivate this in myself. Just finding the balance for it now.

It is very interesting what you say about doing the right thing bringing own personal power - this made me think, I'd forgotten this and its so true. Its something I have to remind myself about and the only thing that makes me feel truley good.

Thanks EJ again

Lin said:

Have you thought about getting a different job? Sometimes you just have to start over so that your life and your work are not a soap opera, but separate from one another.
YOu have boundry issues, and if you don't say "stop", don't cross this line, from the beginning, it can all get pretty hairy and why do you need that? You need a real lover in your life. Someone not connectedto any part of your job.

What you describe as "power issues" begin in childhood....either your mom was timid and didn't teach you that woman have the right to be powerful, or you observed at home or other places relationships that left you with the "negative law" that you don't have the right to your boundries. You are what you have learned. Figure out where it began.
LIN
LIN

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Thank you Lin, I appreicate your prespective and advice.

Yup I think I've always had boundary issues, perhaps its the Pisces influence in my chart. And with this guy I'm involved with too at work. I was involved with someone in a previous work too for a few years, even after I left that company. I'm not sure if its my soft and subtle boundaries, because I do choose who to let in and who to keep out - I just choose to let those people in because it looks like an interesting experience to have, as well as the attraction. Its difficult to see, perhaps I felt I couldnt say no to this guy because he is above me in rank at work, but there is also intense attraction there. In a way I'm playing it safe with him too, because I know this won't last with the (transforming) guy at work - but thats more to do with my other fear of committment.

My mum is a Pisces and she brought me up, and I hardly remember below age 6 very much. So I've had to learn about boundaries along the way.

Thanks again Lin, my friend also mentioned to me about my boundaries, its something I need to think about and watch in myself. How to say "no"..

R4VEN said:

Psychic sponge? Oh - Yes, yes, yes!!! My hand is up for that one. I also have a water-sign moon, and the water-moons make this moreso I feel. Shopping Centres are very difficult for me. I get in and get iout of them as quickly as possible.

I have been told again and again how important it is that I do regular psychic protection practises, and I agree with that, but I am also currently dealing with a whole lot of `realities' which I absorbed from my parents while a child. My parents have both been dead a while, but what I `absorbed' from them remains.

Click to expand...

Ah shopping centres, they are like vortexes of energy I have found! Yes too much chaos and I want to Pisces Moon a bit too sensitive sometimes. And pubs, their energies are crazy, chaos at night in the busier pubs. Such wild energies flying around! I try to avoid both as much as possible. Thats why nature is so healing, rivers, anything nature is great.

It's not just saying no. It's recognizing that work is work and it's the way you support yourself and you don't want to adulterate it with personal ****.... that is always a recipe for drama, and then you are on the losing end, especially if the person you are involved with is someone you report to during your work day, or if he has the power to give you a poor review of your work.
So it's about being practical.

If you play that game, you are going to have to be prepared to lose, and then not cry over it because you joined in on the game.
LIN

Mmm I do see what you are saying, and thank you for your views. I just seem to attract drama in my life, in some way I do enjoy it. I learn the most from it, from challenging situations, I get too bored otherwise. And my romantic life is usually bizarre, I just cannot do 'normal', I used to wish I could but now accept I find it hard. Venus trine Pluto, Venus ruling the 10th house, that could have something to do with it, I like the drama in my love life even though it is painful at times.. when I get my head around those painful lessons its wonderful. Though my latest lesson is how to put a stop to painful relations - and that goes right back to my childhood, my father, which I'm actually dealing with fresh now.

I can see both outcomes to this work situation, I can see the painful one where I get all attached and serious, or the positive one where I see the humour in it. I'm trying to maintain the humour and light side of it, not getting serious about him while taking responsibility for keeping this on this sort of track. Its all new for me this way of handling it.