Antares Warped Sagittarius

[leesa]

Hi.
I'm Leesa. I'm a Sagittarius, Leo Ascendent (possibly Cancer Asc), Taurus Moon. I've been "seeing" (common law gf style) a Scorpio guy for a little over a year. His presence has inspired great emotional upheaval, ranging from retarded joy to suicidal. Usually I am capable of intense emotions all on my own; so really, he just amplified and exasperated these feelings to no end, to no sane return.

I was in a depressive state prior to meeting him and by the time the relationship crashed and (slowly) burned, I could hardly function. I either spent- no *wasted,* my time sitting in my room staring into space with all sorts of maddening thoughts running through my mind, stemming from anxiety, while he ignored my calls, txts, or made plans with me only to cancel them (in a slap-to-the-face kinda way); he would reassure me one minute, then leave me in the dark the next.

The relationship came to an actual halt when he left me in the dark for good (after reassuring me otherwise, of course) when he wouldn't return my txts, calls or voicemail at all for weeks. Finally, after leaving a snarky voicemail he returned my call and by that time I just wanted an explanation in which he decided to tell me how he had no clue how deeply I felt (despite my literally insane behaviour) and that (even though he told me he wasn't ready or interested in an exclusive relationship) he was now seeing someone exclusively; a girl he had known for years he decided to tell me about after 7 very close months with me. I told him I wish he were dead (harsh I know), but I felt dead. *I* wanted to die.

I didn't see or talk to him for about five months and didn't have another casual relationship until 3 months following that call which was short-lived (with another, cracked Scorpio, this one more so than the last). Throughout those five months I would send him anything and everything that crossed my mind: 'I miss you, I hate you, karma's a *****, I hope you die, I'm sorry, I'm going to kill myself, you ruined me... etc.' I was intensely depressed, thought of him all the time, talked about him frequently, read other Scorpio horror stories on the 'net... until I started getting into the Law of Attraction.

I started to think maybe I manifested him. I've been clinically depressed 90% of my life; plus the experiences I've had with guys from a young age being usually negatively twisted with the positive, I feel, has probably skewed my view of romance and/or love; my fantasies are usually dark... yet quaint, ha. So I wrote him via FB and I apologized for the dreadful things I said to him, hoping I was sure this time I wouldn't flip on him. I told him I'd always love him, that I wanted good things for him and that I no longer cared whether or not I meant the sweet things he led me to believe.

He actually responded, which was a big surprise... He made light of my past insanity and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink (if I promised not to kill him of course). So we met up and... while I didn't know how to act, he was charming, sweet and funny, as usual. The sexual energy had always been strong, for some reason I didn't predict that we'd kiss, but we did.

Basically, as of now for the past month we've been hanging out. While I told him I couldn't sleep with him anymore (b/c I have stronger feelings him), that's not what's happening and he's expressed that he doesn't want a relationship. I've realized I may sound like a silly, little girl that won't accept the truth... but the thing is that, I have. Because this is what I want, I'm still getting what I want... I know he may potentially have no true feelings for me whatsoever (above the belt), now and forever, but... I'm still a sexual person and I don't want to have casual sex with just anyone or multiple people (I can't control the fact that I equate sex with love. Also I have Venus in Scorpio).

So, I'm here to seek refuge, haha. I'm not as damaged as I was months ago and I know my place in the world without this guy but, it would be nice or therapeutic to talk about some of the weird things he does because its simply jarring at times. I often wonder if its general guy behaviour or Scorpio-guy behaviour.

I enjoy astrology all-around so hopefully this one topic won't be the only thing I post on (let's face it, Scorpios aren't THAT phenomenal... even though I think my Scorpio guy is, haa).

Sorry for being so lengthy.

Thanks for checking me out!

Leesa

[Kuntuzangmo]

I'm rather curious where Antares fits into this?
Astrology aside (although I'm sure it is reflected in your chart some way or another) it seems you have a really unhealthy fixation on this guy. Maybe looking inside and getting your own emotions calmed down and stable would be a wise move. Exteriors reflect what's going on within.

[leesa]

Originally Posted by Kuntuzangmo

I'm rather curious where Antares fits into this?
Astrology aside (although I'm sure it is reflected in your chart some way or another) it seems you have a really unhealthy fixation on this guy. Maybe looking inside and getting your own emotions calmed down and stable would be a wise move. Exteriors reflect what's going on within.

Antares is a fixed star and the heart of the Scorpion. It's just a lovey-dovey pseudo-poetic title meaning basically I am (or have been) strung out on this guy's heart. I love the person he is, and that's (sans [deleted swear - Moderator]) the ideal guy for me.
Thank you but, as I said towards the end, I am no longer damaged and I have my own life that I care about ("I know my place in the world, without this guy"), so my emotions are pretty chill. Still loving him isn't unhealthy when I know that if things don't go my way, I still have me. And I love me so, honestly life is pretty rad!

Thanks again!

[gen6k]

well a lot of people have a particular mission when going out with someone, and maybe you are trying to stimulate your inner-self in overexaggerated ways in order to feel alive by picking these type of people. maybe you should try dating a nice libra or something instead they give companionship but they dont turn all crazy. antares sagittarius placements are harsh.

[Nirmegha]

I have to agree with Kuntuzangmo and say that your (what sounds like) intense fixation/obsession with him is driving you crazy.

I really empathize with your predicament. You said you're clinically depressed 90% of the time; do you have a lot of mood swings or manic - big highs & lows - episodes? Just in general, not necessarily related to a boyfriend.

The guy you're with said he's not interested in a relationship, right? I think that perhaps despite your better judgement you're really putting yourself on the line with this guy (as far as your feelings are concerned), and it's making you crazy because your feelings are so involved in all of this while his are not. He cannot (or will not) reciprocate your feelings.

I equate sex with love as well, and if you're sexually involved with someone who told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship then you may be unintentionally doing damage to yourself by getting emotionally involved with him. You're investing something very substantial, while he is not. At least he's honest with you though.

tl;dr

This doesn't sound like a very healthy situation. It sounds like you're causing yourself a lot of undue stress and anxiety, but you're wrongly attributing it to what this guy does or doesn't do. You may want to give more thought to what you are doing, and why you're doing it. I'm sure there are other patterns like this in your life.

[leesa]

I've been diagnosed with clinical depression (never been bipolar) since age 11 and have been through various medications. Its the norm for me to be depressed, but he turned it into hysteria... no signs of mania but intense anxiety.

Sorry, I didn't mean for people to believe that this story is 100% present tense. Its just a background, which I felt necessary at the time to share because I do still see him, not so often though. I'm not quite so fixated on him anymore, especially being significantly busier and healthier this fall, as opposed to last year when things were definitely not healthy. He doesn't cross my mind any more than any other friend these days. I can honestly say the worst is over. But psychologically I'm curious about his behaviour, I guess for future reference with other guys. It took a while for him to be straightforward and tell me he didn't want a relationship which is why this dragged out so long... that and he acted like a boyfriend when we were together. He basically led me on. I certainly don't want to lie to myself because I don't want to continue to attract negative people. So as of now, I haven't had any intentions of seeing him again due to shady behaviour.

There actually aren't other patterns like this in my life which is why the situation is so problematic; I have never given anyone this much energy esp since I usually keep to myself. I have no problem admitting I had/have regular problems (via depression) but that was/is always mine and I never give anyone credit for it, I actually told him about the depression and medication and he disregarded it- not that its any of his responsibility but when I began showing signs of distress he still disregarded it and continued to be careless. And frankly you can take people to court for intentional/negligent infliction of emotional distress, as extreme as it sounds.

There's a significant difference from my internal infliction and one concerning a guy who initially, persistently pursued me. 7 months ago I knew I didn't possess the strength to walk away from him for good, I even told him to leave me alone countless times. He had plenty of chances to end it, but didn't, and would actually give me reassurance... its a two way street. This is a particular situation that I've never encountered before- which is why I joined this forum. I've had past relationships lasting 5 years and nothing like this has ever happened even when times were rough.

Thanks for your time and for the feedback.