Blooming confidence issues!

[Bradders]

I can't understand it. Here we are again with the fear of looking towards the future and wondering what is going to happen. Last night I had a crazy night of feeling insane once again, and I swear, I was snapping. Such a high degree of stress.

Feels like a dysfunction in my brain really, the very day really I should be sorting out going to college, I can't seem to let go of some friends that won't even bother with me. All because I can't get their friendship. >_>

I'm going to perform at the college of performing arts. There it is! Chances to move towards a future I want. But then, I feel I'm about snapping looking for a piece of paper and seemingly, I'm resting my body before I have some panic attack over the bloody thing. However, I got a chance to get my letter hopefully posted in the week to get my national insurance number. I reckon right now I'm dealing with this seamless lack of confidence to find things which I've never been good at, but I remember where it's been and it's gone. I SWEAR. It's there, everything is there, and then boom! You don't pay attention to it, it goes!

I got my medical record to get tomorrow from doctors. Theres my fear of the whole Aspergers syndrome 'can't perform' stuff. But I'm expecting the best. Just scared to hell and it's always I cannot stand high intensity scenarios where you have 'bolt' and look for something. I'm not looking for the letter now because well, I'm thinking I could have a mental breakdown if it's not there.

Anything that points at my chart about these issues? Seamless terrible luck at finding things, stress under high intensity scenarios and unable to stand it, insanity that creeps up when you deal with a situation to let go of people and things, suicidal feelings that come up because you reckon you won't live without this dream or something else, or everyone just bloody hating you!

Leo rising here, life is spectacular I swear! Highest of high and lowest of lows! Life gives me love with high end flyers and dangerous lows! But I'm grateful for both!

Please someone help me. :3

[Bradders]

I appreciate the enthusiasm, my escapism is meditation really and music and creative expression.

Fortunately, I'm still here, I don't know if I'm sane or not, but like a Aquarius told me once, 'Sanity? I lost it years ago.' I reckon I'm laughing more at life too now I'm getting older, but yeah. Nothing is actually happening, except everything is guided by my brain. My life is great. It's just my body needs more and more and well, I'm a man that is never satisfied.

I have great friends, a great lover, it's just seemingly your own mind and sanity can take it all away, I swear. I've experienced very mild forms of dementia I think. A great house.

And then there was the functioning if I didn't fulfill my dreams of being a actor, I wouldn't be here anymore.

But yeah, I'm trying. Aquarius moon keeps telling me 'could always be worse', fortunately. Keeps me going. Keeps you detached but keeps you going.

I reckon Astrology is scaring me back into the belief again that, as long as we have right now, everything is A-Ok! As long as we're alive in the moment, all is good and whatever will be doesn't matter! Yeah...