Mom and daughter need helpful insight

[Brea]

My Mom and I relate from very different places to each other (nothing too unusual lol). lots of squares, and oppositions, but lots of love. Mom and I find it very difficult to communicate with each other despite our compatible mercury signs. Mom has a bit of a temper that she experienced/inherited from her father. I have many learning disabilities which really triggers my mothers temper and cancerian desire to do things for me (instead of get angry she would rather become resentful). We also both struggle with touching and showing affection/intimacy/vulnerability (hugging, crying, etc.). Much to my dislike, I have the tendency to become overly serious in response to her 5th house energy. For obvious reasons she becomes very offended and sensitive to my "know it all" energy. A major issue in our relationship is how emotionally involved we are with one another and our lack of boundaries. It's like putting two infants in the same room. One baby starts waling, and the other starts crying in response. The first baby then continues to cry because the second is crying. <--- a very very regularly occurring problem for us.

I'm open to all and any insights into the relationship, and especially anything concerning our difficulties in communicating. I'm also very open to any karmic indicators, I know we were business partners in one of our past lives.

Thank you so much for your time and energy, it means so much to me and my mother. It'll all be so helpful now that we're living together again.

[hermetic]

I think age is a problem here, you are very young and still in need to be 'separated' from your mother, psychologically, as there is a tendency in Cancerian mom's to bond their children much to them, not conciously tho. Plus, she was quite young when she had you, I'd say she is quite a controlling person(Pluto on asc) and it's not easy for a Cancer sun with Moon is Capricorn.
How was her relationship with her mother, as that can be very telling?
I know this well from my experience, took me years of resolving emotional issues with my mom, and it's not easy, but doing this you slowly come to terms with yourself.
And you nataly have Pluto in the 4th house(me too) meaning you will probably have to move from home to find some peace. Lots of Pluto/Scorpio themes in this chart - your moon in 8th house, Mom's Pluto on asc, very aspected, maybe try searching your own path without looking for her support or letting her emotional needs affect your goals.

For karmic indicators, try doing draconic charts for yourself and your mom(there is an option on astro.com) and compare to natals, and also read a little about them, it's not difficult to understand and it's very revealing on family karmic ties

[waybread]

You don't mention if you have any siblings and how they got on with Mom, or whether Dad is in the picture. These would shed different light on your situation. I don't see your chart posted, and I find it hard to read off the synastry bi-wheel, but just focusing on Mom, I think she has difficulty with being a mother. With that caring sun in Cancer and Cancer Venus conjunct her MC, she wants to be a good mother and to be seen to be a good mother, but it is hard for her to hold it together.

With Aquarius on the cusp of her 5th house of children, we look to Saturn and Uranus to tell us something about how she experiences kids in her life. Uranus looks fairly stressed, and it is involved in a T-square with her moon in Capricorn and Venus conjunct her MC. I wonder if your mother didn't experience a lot of warm fuzzies from her own mother (your grandmother) such that it is hard for her to express something she didn't feel herself.

I note also that Mom's sun is in an intercepted sign, making me wonder if she's never been quite sure who she is and what she's meant to be doing with her life. If she thinks her vocation in life is "mother" and her daughter acts up (as any child will from time to time) she is apt to take it as a reflection on her difficulties in being a good role model because she's not so sure who she is for herself.

In your bi-wheel, you both have 'reverse" Chiron-Mercury conjunctions! A Big Ouch in the communication department, but one through which you can both acquire some wisdom as you stay open to it. Also, your Saturn hits Mom's Mars NN in the 5th house of children, so even without meaning to, you can give her a sense of inadequacy. As you mature and she ages, this may morph into your sense of feeling very responsible for your mother.

The main thing in any mother-daughter relationship is just to realize that we are loved by imperfect people, just as our own expressions of love may be imperfect, as well. If you can keep your mind focused on "unconditional love" then you will get through whatever particular bumps in the road you cross over.

BTW, Brea, your insights are really good! Both astrologically and psychologically.

[Brea]

Hermetic - I have to agree. I've been living on my own or the last year now and it definitely gave me a better sense of well being but I'm about to go to school in a new town so for the moment I'm required to live with my mom until I get things figured out. During the year I was away it gave her the time she needed to get in touch with herself and things are much better. My Mom describes my grandmother as not being there for her (over working herself and sleeping when she was home). My grandmother used to initiate physical confrontations between my mother and her step father. My Grandmother is a passionate martyr who completely disregards boundaries (except with me because I love her enough to set firm boundaries with her behavior) and is very bitter and resentful (mostly because she gave up her life for her 3 children). I'm attaching my Grandmothers chart just for fun, if you want any further charts just specify and I'll post those up as well.

Waybread - My chart is in my signature. I dont have any other siblings and my dad may be the pluto and saturn energies in my chart because he was very absent emotionally and physically when I was a child. He really did/does love me but he never knew how to interact with me or children outside of the things he could physically (and skillfully) make for me or buy for me. So as a child I probably really felt unloved and defective between my mothers temper and my fathers apathy and their combined inability to show me affection. There were alot of issues with my mother taking my actions personally. I've always been a very mature child (feelings of heavy responsibility to my mom began when I was in middle school). When I turned 18 I finally began acting my age (giving my mom a bit of a scare). in a year I started having sex, dying my hair, I had friends I'd take off with (very good, intelligent, and protective friends), I started smoking marijuana, started practicing neo-paganism, and I came to terms with my sexuality (basically finding myself and expressing the person I found). All very very shocking for my mom who always contented herself on the fact that I was her rock because of my maturity. She can still be fairly fragile emotionally but we still see eye to eye and she and I have very similar new age spiritual beliefs.