Why you would never want to date a ..............

[Sanura]

Just a bit of humour. I found it quite close to sign.

Why You'd Never Want To Date A...

by Kim Rogers-Gallagher

Someone asked me why all "New Age" astrology is so damned positive. Isn't there anybody out there, they asked, who will focus on the negative qualities of the signs? Now, the individual asking that rather bitter question had just escaped from a short-lived but potent relationship with a Scorpio who did every single "Bad Scorpio Thing" ever catalogued. So I'm sure the leftover sting had something to do with the reason for the question. They had a point, though. Unless you want to flip back to one of them old fatalistic texts -- the kind where every paragraph begins with, "The native..." -- when was the last time you saw something written up about the awful side of this or that sign? What a concept, huh?

I mean, it's downright impossible nowadays to find anything bad written about any of the signs. It's not even Politically Astrologically Correct to use the words bad or good anymore. Everything is easy or harmonious, challenging or tending to be difficult. We've sugar-coated all the snap out of our descriptions of the signs rather than -- Goddess forbid! -- appear to stereotype anybody.

Still, stereotypes aren't stereotypes for nothing. If they didn't work, we wouldn't recognize them. Each of the signs certainly does have a distinctly negative expression, which we've all seen demonstrated -- in spades -- at one time or another. In fact, it seems we've all seen these traits exhibited by someone we've dated, but never, of course, until "The Ordeal" was over.

Well, once I got to thinking about it, I couldn't resist. I grabbed my 9th-house Mars in Scorpio and went to work. Take a look and see if you don't recognize at least one ex-someone in the descriptions below. Keep in mind that the more recent the end of "The Ordeal", the more recognizable these qualities will be. Clip them and stick them on your refrigerator for next time, or send the one that applies to the ex of your choice. Just have a good giggle and remember these aren't bad sign delineations. They're just descriptions of how challenging certain signs can be.

Aries | Taurus | Gemini | Cancer | Leo | Virgo
Libra | Scorpio | Sagittarius | Capricorn | Aquarius | Pisces

Aries:
Looking for a lover who's mature, gentle, thoughtful, considerate, and entirely unselfish? Well, then, don't even consider dating an Aries. They'll amaze you at their ability to stuff six "I's" into every sentence -- in between slamming doors, driving like a maniac, and screaming like an infant until they get what they want. Do they really throw temper tantrums? No, no, no!!! Are they hideously impatient? Oh, no, of course not. They're willing to wait at least 4-1/2 seconds for a seat in the restaurant right smack in the middle of the dinner hour, another 5 seconds after they're seated for the waitress to sprint to the table with the meal she's magically intuited they were about to order, another 7 seconds after their plate hits the table for the check, and they'll see you in the car when you're done! Oh, you're only on the salad? Are these Mars-ruled folks really as totally unaware of Others as they seem to be? Well, no, of course not. They know perfectly well there are Others in the world -- they refer to us as The Opponents.

Taurus:
Don't date a Taurus if you're not Looking For A Relationship, because once you ask them out they'll consider themselves engaged and want to shop for rings. If you are looking for an over-possessive materialist, get yourself a Taurus. Do date a Taurus if you enjoy eating huge, fattening meals in front of the television set every night, and you don't mind carrying a pager so they can reach you at any moment to ask you to stop at the grocery store on the way home. Are they really as stubborn and slow-moving as legend has it? Well, let's just say that if you're waiting for them to change their mind, you should definitely bring along something to read. And if you're waiting for them to get ready to do anything, be prepared to actually watch your nails grow ....

Gemini:
Geminis aren't nearly as fickle as folks make them out to be. They're just, oh,....easily distracted. If you're dating a Gemini, always have Plan B ready -- and make sure you drive. Be prepared to hear all about their childhood, several times, with no specifics spared. This sign is awfully fond of details, and each one is just as important as the next. In the middle of the story about the kid on the beach with the toy plane, you'll hear all about their grandmother's apron, their cousin Sally's first car, etc. Once they get talking, they probably won't notice if you leave the table. When you've heard enough about how Dad used to wear the green overalls to mow the lawn -- and the red cap when he weeded -- just head to the bathroom for a Time-Out. With any luck, when you come back, they'll be ready to wind things up with a description of the way the gym was decorated at their Senior Prom.

Cancer:
Cancers are known to be private types who are fond of their homes and very, very tight with their families. Don't ask them any personal questions for at least a year, regardless of whether or not you're married by then. However, if your idea of great fun is hanging out at their place with their mother and their children, doing needlepoint, looking at their baby pictures (again), reading cookbooks, and eating chocolate-chip cookies (making sure the shades are drawn so They can't see in), you've found your ideal match. Moody? Well, maybe a little, but only if you say something they take the wrong way -- which is every other sentence. Clingy? Only until they're sure you're really committed. Then they'll let you go out alone again. But not without your sun block, umbrella, and extra sweater -- just in case.

Leo:
Looking for an easygoing, low-maintenance, and independent partner? Someone who can always roll with the punches, never takes anything personally, and is always able to separate their ego from the situation at hand? Well, then avoid Leos at all costs. If you're dating a Leo, you're going to need lots of Power Naps because these folks are as high-maintenance as they come. If you can manage to call and/or stop by to tell them they look good, did good, and that the color of the sweater they're wearing really brings out their eyes -- at least 18 times a day -- they'll be mildly placated. If you don't, they'll pout and say you don't love them anymore. Too bad the reason you didn't call was because you were having surgery. Couldn't someone else dial the phone for you? Be prepared for your life to turn into a soap opera, too. With Leo, High Drama is the only way to go, and Big Entrances and Big Exits, are the only way to get there. Most important of all, don't ever stand in their spotlight -- which is anywhere people gather in groups of more than one.

Virgo:
If you're thinking of dating a Virgo, your best bet is to invest in a lint brush, some spearmint dental floss, and an expensive pair of double-thick, lined, sanitized, yellow rubber gloves. Are they all obsessive neat freaks? Absolutely not. They will, however, grade you on a daily basis-- lint accumulation in your navel, leftover sesame seeds in your teeth, or an untidy bathroom bowl will count for Big Points off your GPA. Once you've passed The Neatness Test, however, get ready to experience such rollicking good times as helping them alphabetize their CD's, rearrange their silverware drawer, and vacuum the car -- again. Are they all hypochondriacs? Well, maybe not, but how many other people do you know who own 27 Revised Annual Editions of the Physician's Desktop Handbook of Symptoms?

Libra:
Don't ever ask a Libra a question that involves a choice unless you want to camp out wherever you happen to be while they're trying to choose. They're not famous for their decision-making abilities. If you want to date a Libra, tell them what you want them to wear before you get there, pick them up, take them where you want to go, and order for them. You'll have a wonderful time -- which is all that counts, in their minds. Do Libras lie? No, they don't... well, maybe a little... okay, it depends. If they know you really want to hear the truth, then truth it is -- 100%. If truth is not what they know you're in the mood for, they'll smile, ask you what you think, and agree. That's not lying, is it? It's just that they care so very much about your happiness -- truly. Never mind the fact they'll also smile, listen, and agree when your arch-enemy tells their side of the story seconds later, while you're in the bathroom. Of course, that's not likely to happen, i.e., you going anywhere without your Libra lover. These folks don't like to do anything alone or go anywhere without you -- not even there.

Scorpio:
Looking for a lover who will automatically suspect you of lying at all times? Someone who will be obsessively jealous of everyone around you, regardless of their age or sex? Want a relationship with someone who will squint suspiciously at you, at least once a day, and ask what you really meant by that? If so, you've found your match -- or, actually, they've found you. They'll continue finding you, too, no matter where you hide. Just look out back in those bushes. That's them in the black tights -- with the binoculars. Oh, it might seem a bit psychotic at first, but you'll get used to it. Keeping you in their sights is just Scorpio's way of saying, I Love You.

Sagittarius:
Getting a Sag to fall for you is a piece of cake. They're really good at falling, tripping, stumbling, etc. In fact, Sags can injure themselves worse just walking down the street than most people can from being involved in a major car accident. If you're looking for a real klutz who's totally excessive, unable to shut up, be discreet, or have "just a slice" of anything, you're in luck. Oh, your Sag lover will also fancy themselves to be your teacher, too. So listen carefully in between burps, and you, too, will learn how to be gluttonous, loud, pompous, and obnoxious -- in public -- while telling the horrified people at the next table to just Loosen Up.

Capricorn:
Are you in the market for a lover who's ultra responsible, In Charge, and Right On Top Of Things? In other words, a workaholic who takes their organizer, cell-phone, and portable fax machine everywhere, and wears a pin-striped suit everywhere (even hiking), just in case an important new contact comes along? Well, sign right here. Your Capricorn lover will never go off duty -- never. In between bites of dinner, they'll sell off their BioTech holdings, fire the entire art department, and phone their secretary to tell them to phone the cleaners to make sure their shirts are ready to be picked up next Thursday at 5:30. Conversation? Oh, with you, you mean? Why? Is there something you need to say? Laughter? Why? Is there nothing serious to talk about?

Aquarius:
If you just adore folks with hot pink hair (on the half of their head that isn't shaved), rows of small pierced silver rings in the most interesting places, and wardrobes full of nothing but purple Peruvian vests, sunglasses, Grateful Dead t-shirts, and Birkenstocks, get yourself one of these. Think of how easy it will be to shop for them! Long known for their love of Causes, and their quirky but, like, totally hip behavior, you and your Aquarius lover will enjoy all kinds of important activities together. You can install (more) Question Authority bumper stickers on the back of their VW van, go to coffee houses where it is an accepted rule that no one speaks while the sitar player is plinking (unless it's to say "Wow, Really"), and march in demonstrations to protest for the Cause of the Month. Like, go for it ....

Pisces:
Is your ideal lover someone who just loves "Air Supply" and Barry Manilow? Someone who starts crying at the beginning of Walt Disney reruns? Are you looking for someone with thirteen cats, seven dogs, and a three-legged ferret -- in a four-room apartment? If so, you need a Pisces. It's not true that they never get out of bed or away from the television set. If you can find their clothes, and give them very specific instructions on what to do with them, you can even take them out -- but understand that they will only want to go to The Movies, to the Pool, or Out For A Drink. No matter where you take them, they'll have no idea where they are or how they got there. Are they really all that easily confused? Huh?

[sageofaquarius]

Aaaargh ... amazing! I'm putting my purple Peruvian top to the back of the wardrobe and my Grateful Dead CDs at the bottom of the pile.

Oh, by the way, my Cause of the Month is ... Save the Moon Bears.

Please help. www.animalsasia.org. Thank you.

sage

[windwispers]

i love moon bears

[Stacey5271]

That is absolutely hilarious!

I never had any experience with an Aries until my son was born. For all the reasons listed, I would never want to date one.

I'm sure my husband could totally agree with every point about me on the Capricorn side (not to mention quite a few from my Ascendant - Cancer).

Last, but not least, almost everything on the Pisces side matches my husband - he hates how I am always reminding him to do this or that, but most of the time it's just an "I don't remember that." that he says.

[Purplemaze]

I am married to a libra and when my husband and I started living together then married, it was all of those reasons listed that we almost ended up in divorce court a month later :38: In my efforts to set aside my need to always be in control (oh wait I don't admit that ) I would ask him what he wanted to do. USually by the time he got around to telling me one way or the other, we're already late to whatever we were gonna do, or i'm so fuming mad we end up not going anyway.
It didn't take too long to figure out never to ask him that..ever. So now our conversations generally go something like this: me: Babe we got an invitation to go out with X. It's on X date at X time (Lie about the time to make sure he's ready on time, usually about an hour)..I've already got your clothes picked out and mom's watching the baby. Later. Him: okay.... The moral of the story? We stay happily married.

[VenusInAries]

LMAO this was cute :38:

My taurus would like to know if someone can stop by the fast food place and bring me something fatty home since my butt is planted on the couch lol :P

Thank goodness we are also other things in our chart my mars in sag would agree but it's too busy tripping over the chair LOL :P

My Libra rising would agree too but she's too busy primping and deciding what the best choice is lol :P

[Purplemaze]

lol, VenusinAries,

Sadly that was a source of issue for us too. The mass amount of time my husband would spend in front of the mirror getting ready. Me, I roll outta bed and i'm done dressing/grooming half hour tops. Him, get out of bed two hours beforeheand and still have to be pushed out of the door. Me, ten minute shower, maybe more if I had to wash my hair. Him..OUr landlord threatened to raise the rent (after he moved in with me) because their water bill was skyrocketing. I've never known him to spend less than 45 minutes in the shower. :38: A chitchat with his mother revealed all the men in the family are like that (and I must admit, they are a family of extremely good looking men)

[magj-kat]

..thank goodness my prissy virgo rising looks at my crazy moon in aquarius and thinks 'who really cares'?:34:

[VenusInAries]

LOL Purple and Kat - Yes I am sad to say I take a minimum of 2 hours to get ready.. to make sure I am not late I always ask before hand when do we have to leave so I can plan on starting the "get ready plan of action" 2 hours before hand and that is if something doesn't go wrong with the hair then it could take longer lol :P My Libra rising Pisces moon has my clothes hung up my color so I can pick out clothes by how I feel lol and then the libra rising has to have everything match and look good :P lol then mabye I can leave lol I wish I could be so easy going Kat - my mars in sag is always offending my Libra rising

Hahahahahah!

[natasa812]

Originally Posted by Sanura

Just a bit of humour. I found it quite close to sign.

Why You'd Never Want To Date A...

Sagittarius:

Getting a Sag to fall for you is a piece of cake. They're really good at falling, tripping, stumbling, etc. In fact, Sags can injure themselves worse just walking down the street than most people can from being involved in a major car accident. If you're looking for a real klutz who's totally excessive, unable to shut up, be discreet, or have "just a slice" of anything, you're in luck. Oh, your Sag lover will also fancy themselves to be your teacher, too. So listen carefully in between burps, and you, too, will learn how to be gluttonous, loud, pompous, and obnoxious -- in public -- while telling the horrified people at the next table to just Loosen Up.

The first sentence about falling - have to add - We fall literally and metaphorically - I do ``fall `` all the time - sometimes I just love all the world and all the people in this world...
Constantly in love? Blame it on over - exalted Jupiter...

And of course, I can not EVER have just a slice of anything - I should better not describe what do I eat every day... BUT - we do exercise - that`s why...

About blunt side - we call it honesty... and we appreciate it! A lot! And of course, we expect others to appreciate it too - I mean - if we are sooooooo honest, how can anyone feel bad about it...

Love astrological humor section...

Sagitariously optimisticly bluntly...

[waybread]

Sanura, Here are the Forum rules on.......Copyright

In order to respect copyright laws, members are asked not to paste in their posts texts copied from other websites or other publications that are over 100 words long. In all cases of quoting, the source of the respective excerpts is to be properly mentioned. Also, if the text is publicly available online, a link to the source should be placed.

So please add the link to this site (or cite the print article or book), then refrain from copying such long passages here in the future. Hey, thanks. W.

[Shining Ray]

Pisces:

]Is your ideal lover someone who just loves "Air Supply" and Barry Manilow? Someone who starts crying at the beginning of Walt Disney reruns? Are you looking for someone with thirteen cats, seven dogs, and a three-legged ferret -- in a four-room apartment? If so, you need a Pisces. It's not true that they never get out of bed or away from the television set. If you can find their clothes, and give them very specific instructions on what to do with them, you can even take them out -- but understand that they will only want to go to The Movies, to the Pool, or Out For A Drink. No matter where you take them, they'll have no idea where they are or how they got there. Are they really all that easily confused? Huh?

This is all me, I cried in the kids movie Bridge to Terabithia, a tearjerker warning needs to be put on that film especially for Moon in Pisces , I bought the DVD for the baby, but it's mine really . I had three cats when I was single, I can't resist their furry little faces aww lol.

Although it's quite funny because my partner is a Virgo my opposite sign, and my cats keep putting their hair all over his work pants, and he is quite obsessive with neat clothes for work ha ha. I can never find my clothes, and have to explain to my partner why I had to rush around in the morning getting the baby to nursery. My partner is Mr "never take a day off work", I often tell him to phone in sick and sneak a day off (my evil influence lol) but he reminds me of the need to pay bills and mortgage so we can keep a roof over our heads. But yes overall I am a very confused Pisces, you can type me under this sign lol. You really should never date me if you enjoy your sanity, if don't mind losing your mind, I am the perfect partner. Nah I am quite normal in everyday life. My Virgo loves me, even though he never knows where my head is half the time. I keep throwing all his important papers in the bin too, bad habit.

[Insomniachiq]

lol my fave one was scorpio and capricorn..great posting.

[noideaaboutastro]

Hahahahaha!!!! Love it!!! Now, can I begin talking of my Auntie's apron and cousin Stacey's cat?

[athan]

I really wish my ex Scorpio had done some lurking on me....
...but I guess the lurking has been done for him by my Scorpio ascedant....

[AquariusT]

Awesome and all of them are right on the money!

[Shining Ray]

Originally Posted by Jenna Jupiter

This is so me!! I have 3 cats! I wish i had the place for more. It's the Neptune aspects/6th house and Virgo ASC for me.

/JJ

I have a lot of Neptune with Virgo rising. I have worked in a cats home as well, looking after lots of stray cats waiting for a new home. I remember I tamed a stray wild kitten, he used to hiss and scratch all the time, I used to sneak food in for him. I was sooo happy when he got a home. Just talking about it makes me want to go back now. I love my little furballs .

[unusual_suspect]

Very funny! I have been involved in long term relationships with 2 Aries and a Scorpio and this is actually quite true. My current partner is a Gemini and he talks about everything and anything - constantly.

The Sagittarius one sounds just like my brother lol.

[Squapius]

Aquarius:
If you just adore folks with hot pink hair (on the half of their head that isn't shaved), rows of small pierced silver rings in the most interesting places, and wardrobes full of nothing but purple Peruvian vests, sunglasses, Grateful Dead t-shirts, and Birkenstocks, get yourself one of these. Think of how easy it will be to shop for them! Long known for their love of Causes, and their quirky but, like, totally hip behavior, you and your Aquarius lover will enjoy all kinds of important activities together. You can install (more) Question Authority bumper stickers on the back of their VW van, go to coffee houses where it is an accepted rule that no one speaks while the sitar player is plinking (unless it's to say "Wow, Really"), and march in demonstrations to protest for the Cause of the Month. Like, go for it ....

Yes, definately count me in with an aquarius. I´d love to date one of these!
It would be nice to share an intense inclination for fighting for all kind of envionmental, animal and world causes, and I do not complain about the sitar-cafe and the peruvian clothes =) She would give me a lot of variety, I love that.

[Misa]

Lol! The Aquarius description sounded just like my ex boyfriend. Even though this was not meant to be taken seriously, I couldn't help but laugh. He loves Grateful dead, wore unusual outfits, and told me about all the wacky things he was going to do with his hair (shaving and dying the unshaven part was actually something he was planning on doing LMAO). Now why did I ever date this guy? Please, I got much better things to do like go eat a tub of ice cream in front of the TV (Im a Taurus, LOL)

[pisces9]

that was very well done lol very true too, ill try not to cry in front of walt disney reruns again but its so hard not to LOL

[carrotcake]

pretty accurate ha

[ruzi]

Thats actually true an hilarious!