My father is dead to me

[PurpleRain]

I can't take the pain anymore. It's time that I either forgive him, or disown him. He's not a total jerk, just a deadbeat. Never did anything for me, and will not do anything in this world for me. Their is nothing in this world that he would do for me. But as far as his step daughters go, they are more his daughters then I will ever be. The man doesnt even know I hate the color pink, knows absolutly nothing about me. And the only thing I know about him is he likes to golf and he likes peanuts. He has no right to call me daughter.

When I was growing up, he lived right down the street from me and my brothers, but never made any attempt to try to be a dad. Sure we went over to his house every other Saturday, but never did anything fun. I have no memories of him except deadbeat. I hate his wife and her daughters, they are not family, and I don't feel like I'm with my family when we get together for our Christmas thing.

I remember being about 10 years old when I decided that my dad was lying to me whenever he said he loved me. I remember crying my eyes out and trying to sell my soul to the devil because I thought my life was so horrible. I gave up on myself at that time also.

Can anybody tell from my transits why I would even consider this, I don't believe these kinds of thoughts have ever entered my mind. I only see him at Christmas time, I agonize over calling him for b-days and father's day.

He now lives in another state. I just found out that he was in town a couple of weekends ago and doesnt even bother to call and let me know he is in town. It really makes me wonder how many times he visits without letting any of us know. Whats the point of seeing him for christmas, it just feels like he feels obligated to invite us over. I would just rather not go anymore, not worry about having to call him anymore, and not to feel this anxiety over him anymore. I'm not so sure I would even shed a tear if he really passed, and if I did it would be more from frustration and anger then from me missing him.

Why am I thinking about disowning him at 29 and not when I was younger. If I forgive him, that entails of me trying to emotionally connect with my father, but something tells me I will be the only one trying to fix this, and I have a hard time trying to understand why it is my responsiblity to make sure I know that my dad loves me.

I just want to burn down all the walls I have built.