suicide posting, closed

[HeyPlayGirl]

Intro-hi! i'm new, my name is lori and i'm 24. i know depression and suicide have been covered extensively but i don't really understand how to read these charts in depth so when people are speaking about degrees and transitions and such it just confuses me
so i was wondering if anyone could help me, thanks in advance

i dont know if you can see my houses on the chart i attached without studying it so here they are listed to make it easier-
Ascendant Scorpio1.07
II Sagittarius0.9
III Capricorn 0.54
IV Aquarius 3.02
V Pisces 5.11
VI Aries 5.03
VII Taurus 1.07
VIII Gemini 0.09
IX Cancer 0.54
Midheaven Leo 3.02
XI Virgo 5.11
XII Libra 5.03


Okay so first off i'm suicidal, i'm serious about it. dont want to do it now but planning on doing it eventually. i'm not suicidal because of some silly thing like a boy broke my heart or i'm sad. it's not any specific event that makes me suicidal it's just a state of mind i guess. i've thought about it in detail for years now, and i'm pretty calm about the decision. i'm not really emotional i just don't get why anyone WANTS to live..i just dont get it? never have. even if i was awarded the most most beautiful, famous, most talented human on planet earth i still wouldnt want to live because..i dont know?. ive read that this could be because i have "sun square neptune." makes me dream too much. also i heard that if you have jupiter and neptune trine it means you find everything drab and so nothing meets your expectations or something like that. and i have "Conjunction Jupiter - Neptune" not sure of the difference but maybe that explains it? i dont know, any further info would be great!! also heard someone's dad committed suicide and his chart had a lot of squares in it, not sure if mine has a lot too. i do have "sun square moon" which i heard is kind of disastrous.

i ordered a career patch report from cafeastrology some time ago and it gave this info that i thought i'd add to help getting assistance-
pluto conjuct ascendant (stregnth 9.18)
moon trine pluto (strength 6.93)
moon opposite neptune (strength 6.91)
pluto square midheaven (strength 5.32)
mercury square uranus (strength 5.17)
sun square moon (strength 4.27)
sun square neptune (strength 4.18)
neptune sextile ascendant (strength 2.58)
jupiter inconjuct midheaven (strength 2.29)
moon opposite jupiter (strength 1.86)
jupiter sextile pluto (strength 1.56)
moon sequiquadrate saturn (strength 1.53)
venus sextile mars (strength 1.50)
saturn semi-square neptune (strength 1.44)
mars sesquiquadrate midheaven (strength 1.15)

most dominant planets, signs, and houses in order from most to least:
-pluto, ascendant, and moon
-scorpio, gemini, and sagittarius
-8th,2nd,11th

lastly, if anyone could tell me if they see ANYTHING good in my chart, anything at all, i would greatly appreciate it. any job success? any money success? friendship success? because so far even though life hasn't been BAD per se, it sure hasn't moved me enough to want to keep living it! but besides all that i'm okay! i've never been abused or hurt or cheated on or homeless or a drug addict or anything. (shopping and food addict maybe!!) ive had my fair share of problems but to me EVERYONE has problems so it's not even worth accounting for. plus i'm not like this because of my problems, i'm more like this because nothing has been good enough for me to change.
i know i sound like a downer right now lol but i'm really not. people know me as outgoing and talkative (to a fault i'm sure.) i just want to know why i, an intelligent, serious, yet fairly happy, adult, wants to die because all the good things life has to offer are still just BLEEHHH to me..

again, thank you!

[freedomlover]

Originally Posted by HeyPlayGirl

Intro-hi! i'm new, my name is lori and i'm 24. i know depression and suicide have been covered extensively but i don't really understand how to read these charts in depth so when people are speaking about degrees and transitions and such it just confuses me
so i was wondering if anyone could help me, thanks in advance

Okay so first off i'm suicidal, i'm serious about it. dont want to do it now but planning on doing it eventually. i'm not suicidal because of some silly thing like a boy broke my heart or i'm sad. it's not any specific event that makes me suicidal it's just a state of mind i guess. i've thought about it in detail for years now, and i'm pretty calm about the decision. i'm not really emotional i just don't get why anyone WANTS to live..i just dont get it? never have. even if i was awarded the most most beautiful, famous, most talented human on planet earth i still wouldnt want to live because..i dont know?. ive read that this could be because i have "sun square neptune." makes me dream too much. also i heard that if you have jupiter and neptune trine it means you find everything drab and so nothing meets your expectations or something like that. and i have "Conjunction Jupiter - Neptune" not sure of the difference but maybe that explains it? i dont know, any further info would be great!! also heard someone's dad committed suicide and his chart had a lot of squares in it, not sure if mine has a lot too

lastly, if anyone could tell me if they see ANYTHING good in my chart, anything at all, i would greatly appreciate it. any job success? any money success? friendship success? because so far even though life hasn't been BAD per se, it sure hasn't moved me enough to want to keep living it! but besides all that i'm okay! i've never been abused or hurt or cheated on or homeless or a drug addict or anything. (shopping and food addict maybe!!) ive had my fair share of problems but to me EVERYONE has problems so it's not even worth accounting for. plus i'm not like this because of my problems, i'm more like this because nothing has been good enough for me to change.
i know i sound like a downer right now lol but i'm really not. people know me as outgoing and talkative (to a fault i'm sure.) i just want to know why i, an intelligent, serious, yet fairly happy, adult, wants to die because all the good things life has to offer are still just BLEEHHH to me..

again, thank you!

Welcome to the forum, HeyPlayGirl!

I've had a quick peek at your chart, and these are the things that jumped out at me: (There are many ways that these aspects can be interpreted, and my guesses at which ones apply are by no means the only ones. It's kind of hard sometimes to do a "cold" reading, with very little info about a person. - but this should get the ball rolling.)

First and foremost you have Pluto in Scorpio, co-ruler of your Ascendant, very tightly conjunct your Ascendant. WOW! THAT is intense, for sure!
This shows several things - that the subject of death,sex, reincarnation, soulmates, and deep emotional connections, as well as emotional healing will be extremely important for you to raise your consciousness about in this lifetime. Pluto in Scorpio on the Ascendant can be the mark of someone with great healing ability. But first, oneself must be transformed. Holding onto negative emotions is an especially big no-no for someone with this placement.

You also have Saturn in Scorpio in the 1st, further emphasizing this theme. Saturn in Scorpio has a lot to do with learning proper boundaries and to resist being emotionally manipulated by others, as well as being careful not to do the same to others.

Saturn rules your 3rd house,and is in the 1st, The things that come to mind are:

Scorpio and Gemini (8th and 3rd house) have alot to do with deep emotional connections - and specifically Twin Souls/Twin Flames.

Saturn ruling 3rd - when raised to higher consciousness, could mean that you could set proper emotional boundaries within yourself, and with it ruling the 3rd, could be an excellent therapist of some sort - good mental and emotional rapport with others.

The only other thing I thought of with Saturn in Scorpio ruling the 3rd in the 1st could mean is this: You weren't possibly a twin whose twin died were you? IF so, this could count for the death feeling hanging over you.
Or was there a sibling who died, and you somehow felt responsible or something? (Moon and Chiron in Gemini in the 8th could possibly signify these kind of things, as well.)

Moon in in Gemini in the 8th, ruling the 9th. This can show that you have a deep need to discuss things with others, and receive intellectual and emotional rapport. There is an opposition to Neptune exactly. Neptune in Sag co-rules your 5th house. 5th house has to do with inner child issues. Neptune in Sag opposing the ruler of your 9th, Moon in Gemini, can show that you and your mother were on opposite ends of understanding each other. Neptune in Sag carries with it the illusion that the other is always right - deception by those who teach us.

Other causes of wanting to leave this world can be low self-worth, and general dissatisfaction with superficiality. You have Venus ruling the 7th, and in the 12th, Venus rules 12th as well. Relationships, and specifically superficial ones - people-pleasing, not being "real" probably goes very much against your grain. Like you would rather be alone (12th house) than have to endure superficiality. Traditional marriage may not appeal to you at all, as well.

You have an exact Mercury/Uranus square from 9*Virgo to 9*Sag. That is a tough one. Mercury/Uranus square on its own can show that you have ideas that are ahead of your time, but feel others don't connect in with you because of it - no one to intellectually relate to on your level. Virgo/Sag squares also usually have alot to do with criticism and perfectionism - having to meet other's standards they set with you - and obedience to others viewpoints - never getting to express your own.

Uranus in Sag rules your IC (4th house) Mercury in Virgo rules your 8th, but in your 11th. You didn't happen to have to leave your home or homeland suddenly and move to another country (Uranus in Sag) where your peers criticized or didn't accept you (Mercury in Virgo in 11th), did you?

Overall, I would get a pattern of desperately wanting to be close to others and to experience real love, but getting instead superficiality and judgment from others.

Also, there are several strong indicators that learning to respect and use rightly the sexual energy is a big lesson in this lifetime. If you are not, or if you were molested as a child, that could be a HUGE cause of wanting to leave, not being satisfied. I'll leave it at that for now, unless you go into it further.

The main thing is to do some real self-introspection, try to find a counselor/therapist you can identify with and trust, and get to the bottom of your issues. Find your joy in life, and you will change your mind about living. Your joy is here, and it is in you, you've just got separated from it somehow.

Best of wishes,

Freedomlover

[lalalaheidi87]

honestly it is true that you must have something you are excited for in life, day to day, that makes you happy and wanting to live and keep going. something worthwhile that makes better and cancells out all the bad. if you have so much bleakness and apathy tht you can levelheadedly and mercurially think about death... i think that makes you a very mature person and also very wise. you were born in a waning moon which is the end of the cycle of th moon, although it is not yet to the balsamic phase, it is still along tht line of wrapping up loose ends and making a pure finish to what others have started ... with more of the end result in mind than the actual beginnings of things. also you have a scorpio ascendant such as myself but if you were born slighly before the actual time you have posted you would have a libra ascendant, which i think asseses your calm demenear in assessing death... a balanced (libra) attitude towards death the ultimate reclusion (12th) also you have pluto on the ascendant. i have pluto in the 1st which i think has tremendously affected me... but i think not so much as if it were on the ascendant. i find in my existance i feel purposefull when pondering things to the depths of depths to acheieve clarity... this is something so vital to my existance when i skip this part i feel useless. maybe you are similar. 8th moon can also point to this but then again opposing jupiter would give a buoyancy and exuberance.. towards friends and stuff at least maybe in a more superficial sense than actually to the core of your being. you probably already know the effects of saturn in 1st so i wont go into it but it is true there can be a bleakness but that is if it is not being used properly to its full potential. saturn wants to build something great, and to differentiate it self from the rest sof the world by having something to point to. my guess is if you can find a purpose and a passion and a reason to keep on trucking you could build something great

[katydid]

HeyPlayGirl,
What about your son? [ I think you said you had a son in your previous post.] I would think that he would be worth living for. I completely understand how suicide can be alluring. I have an 8th house moon, and have envisioned it a few bleak times over the years. But never since my kids were born because they are ,in some ways, my biggest reason for staying alive upon this earth.

[HeyPlayGirl]

Originally Posted by freedomlover

Welcome to the forum, HeyPlayGirl!

I've had a quick peek at your chart, and these are the things that jumped out at me: (There are many ways that these aspects can be interpreted, and my guesses at which ones apply are by no means the only ones. It's kind of hard sometimes to do a "cold" reading, with very little info about a person. - but this should get the ball rolling.)

First and foremost you have Pluto in Scorpio, co-ruler of your Ascendant, very tightly conjunct your Ascendant. WOW! THAT is intense, for sure!
This shows several things - that the subject of death,sex, reincarnation, soulmates, and deep emotional connections, as well as emotional healing will be extremely important for you to raise your consciousness about in this lifetime. Pluto in Scorpio on the Ascendant can be the mark of someone with great healing ability. But first, oneself must be transformed. Holding onto negative emotions is an especially big no-no for someone with this placement.

You also have Saturn in Scorpio in the 1st, further emphasizing this theme. Saturn in Scorpio has a lot to do with learning proper boundaries and to resist being emotionally manipulated by others, as well as being careful not to do the same to others.

Saturn rules your 3rd house,and is in the 1st, The things that come to mind are:

Scorpio and Gemini (8th and 3rd house) have alot to do with deep emotional connections - and specifically Twin Souls/Twin Flames.

Saturn ruling 3rd - when raised to higher consciousness, could mean that you could set proper emotional boundaries within yourself, and with it ruling the 3rd, could be an excellent therapist of some sort - good mental and emotional rapport with others.

The only other thing I thought of with Saturn in Scorpio ruling the 3rd in the 1st could mean is this: You weren't possibly a twin whose twin died were you? IF so, this could count for the death feeling hanging over you.
Or was there a sibling who died, and you somehow felt responsible or something? (Moon and Chiron in Gemini in the 8th could possibly signify these kind of things, as well.)

Moon in in Gemini in the 8th, ruling the 9th. This can show that you have a deep need to discuss things with others, and receive intellectual and emotional rapport. There is an opposition to Neptune exactly. Neptune in Sag co-rules your 5th house. 5th house has to do with inner child issues. Neptune in Sag opposing the ruler of your 9th, Moon in Gemini, can show that you and your mother were on opposite ends of understanding each other. Neptune in Sag carries with it the illusion that the other is always right - deception by those who teach us.

Other causes of wanting to leave this world can be low self-worth, and general dissatisfaction with superficiality. You have Venus ruling the 7th, and in the 12th, Venus rules 12th as well. Relationships, and specifically superficial ones - people-pleasing, not being "real" probably goes very much against your grain. Like you would rather be alone (12th house) than have to endure superficiality. Traditional marriage may not appeal to you at all, as well.

You have an exact Mercury/Uranus square from 9*Virgo to 9*Sag. That is a tough one. Mercury/Uranus square on its own can show that you have ideas that are ahead of your time, but feel others don't connect in with you because of it - no one to intellectually relate to on your level. Virgo/Sag squares also usually have alot to do with criticism and perfectionism - having to meet other's standards they set with you - and obedience to others viewpoints - never getting to express your own.

Uranus in Sag rules your IC (4th house) Mercury in Virgo rules your 8th, but in your 11th. You didn't happen to have to leave your home or homeland suddenly and move to another country (Uranus in Sag) where your peers criticized or didn't accept you (Mercury in Virgo in 11th), did you?

Overall, I would get a pattern of desperately wanting to be close to others and to experience real love, but getting instead superficiality and judgment from others.

Also, there are several strong indicators that learning to respect and use rightly the sexual energy is a big lesson in this lifetime. If you are not, or if you were molested as a child, that could be a HUGE cause of wanting to leave, not being satisfied. I'll leave it at that for now, unless you go into it further.

The main thing is to do some real self-introspection, try to find a counselor/therapist you can identify with and trust, and get to the bottom of your issues. Find your joy in life, and you will change your mind about living. Your joy is here, and it is in you, you've just got separated from it somehow.

Best of wishes,

Freedomlover

thank you for your insightful answer! =)
fortunately i was not molested nor do i have a sibling who has passed. BUT!!! my mom is a super hardcore christian conservative (which explains why she and i have opposite views like you said) and she engrained in my head that sex is evil, maasturbating is evil, wearing tight clothes is evil, even wearing a sleevless shirt is slutty and evil, etc. maybe that just messed with my head! not as much as being molested but you know, it's in the same arena. also, strangely enough up until i was around 13 i went to soooooo many funerals like 10 or more, (mostly far relatives) whereas some of my peers hadn't even been to one which i'm sure plays into what you're saying, perhaps it affected me somehow. never thought about it!

and i did move to a new city abruptly when i was 20! i'm very liberal, you're 100% dead on with the not believing in traditional marriage because i don't believe in ANYTHING traditional, hehe well mostly! and i moved in with my then bf and his family was pretty much the only people i had contact with and they are VERY conservative so i was a total outcast and loser to them. they critisized me in 100 ways so i broke up with him and i moved back home. i just feel like my life is stuck now since i've been back. it's been about a year. but i've been generally indifferent to death/leaning towards wanting death since i was 19.

also, when you say i should be a good therapist (people always tell me their problems hehe) i seem to think so too because when i entered my info into the cafeastrology career path report it repeated like a million times that i should work in therapy. it's too bad that doesn't interest me in the least! i want to be an artist who travels and dreams all day, oh well.

the mercury/uranus square is also dead on. only a few poeple (like 2) that really know me tell me all the time how great my work and my style and my views are. everyone else seems so standoffish, they just block everything i have to say then a year later theyre doing what i did before. that depresses me even more. it just proves that no matter what i do people have like a "cosmic block" to anything positive that i'll ever do. essentially because of my chart i was born to fail even if i'm not a failure.

i could go on and on because you were very accurate. thank you very much

[HeyPlayGirl]

Originally Posted by katydid

HeyPlayGirl,
What about your son? [ I think you said you had a son in your previous post.] I would think that he would be worth living for. I completely understand how suicide can be alluring. I have an 8th house moon, and have envisioned it a few bleak times over the years. But never since my kids were born because they are ,in some ways, my biggest reason for staying alive upon this earth.

hi, thanks for your reply to my post!
yes i can't lie, he has helped tremendously! although i'm super extroverted and outgoing when i want to be, i do get into bouts (that last like a year and once over 2 years!) where i lock myself up in my home and just sleep, don't go outside, don't speak, don't do anything except watch tv all day, but now that my son is born, i can't do that even if i wanted, like right now i refuse to have any guests over but i can't refuse to not leave the house or sleep all day even though i desperately want to because he needs me, he needs to go play and i dont want to keep him inside and alone because of my issues, so he keeps me from falling into that dark abyss because i can't be sitting mulling over my emotions when i have a toddler to potty train and thomas the train on tv so you're right on that

however, just because i love him with all my soul does not make me want to live. i look at it like this, i knwo it's hard to understand but it's like life and i are married, and we don't get along, we don't want to be together, life keeps cheating on me (lol), we argue 24/7 and we get into physical fights so i have to break it off because it's a dysfunctional relationship. it's been a MOSTLY loveless marriage for 24, almost 25 years now and i've had it. surely 25 years is enough time to come to a realistic conclusion. i do want to travel out of the country at least once but after that i think i'm gonna tough it out a couple of years and then i'm done! and that's cool with me, but i can't lie, i do have a strange tiny amount of hope that my birth chart held some sort of clue as to what my future brings, i geuss i was kind of hoping it said something like once a certain planet moved away forever i'd feel better about life and quit being so indifferent to the good things that ive been so lucky to receive. but it seems quite the opposite.
regardless, i do appreciate hearing your opinion! thank you!

[HeyPlayGirl]

Originally Posted by lalalaheidi87

honestly it is true that you must have something you are excited for in life, day to day, that makes you happy and wanting to live and keep going. something worthwhile that makes better and cancells out all the bad. if you have so much bleakness and apathy tht you can levelheadedly and mercurially think about death... i think that makes you a very mature person and also very wise. you were born in a waning moon which is the end of the cycle of th moon, although it is not yet to the balsamic phase, it is still along tht line of wrapping up loose ends and making a pure finish to what others have started ... with more of the end result in mind than the actual beginnings of things. also you have a scorpio ascendant such as myself but if you were born slighly before the actual time you have posted you would have a libra ascendant, which i think asseses your calm demenear in assessing death... a balanced (libra) attitude towards death the ultimate reclusion (12th) also you have pluto on the ascendant. i have pluto in the 1st which i think has tremendously affected me... but i think not so much as if it were on the ascendant. i find in my existance i feel purposefull when pondering things to the depths of depths to acheieve clarity... this is something so vital to my existance when i skip this part i feel useless. maybe you are similar. 8th moon can also point to this but then again opposing jupiter would give a buoyancy and exuberance.. towards friends and stuff at least maybe in a more superficial sense than actually to the core of your being. you probably already know the effects of saturn in 1st so i wont go into it but it is true there can be a bleakness but that is if it is not being used properly to its full potential. saturn wants to build something great, and to differentiate it self from the rest sof the world by having something to point to. my guess is if you can find a purpose and a passion and a reason to keep on trucking you could build something great

thanks for taking time to read my lonnnnng post! day to day i think i'm more distracted because of my son and that's not necessarily a bad thing, maybe i should just adopt like 10 needy orphans and then i'll never have time to be indifferent! what you said about the waning moon is very interesting. i will try to read more on that! pluto seems like a negative planet, am i right?
you're totally right about the exuberance with friends, but definitely not to my soul, just like a superficial distracting kind of way!
to the saturn in the 1st, it seems like that isnt the only sign in my chart that points towards me wnting something more but to me what it all adds up to is someone who wants more but just can't and won't get it. just feel stagnant all the time. i know life is hard for everyone and i don't have a right to complain being born in a rich country like the usa with good parents and not lacking for basic necessities but i can't help how i feel, i am what i am, thanks again

[katydid]

Originally Posted by HeyPlayGirl

hi, thanks for your reply to my post!


however, just because i love him with all my soul does not make me want to live. i look at it like this, i knwo it's hard to understand but it's like life and i are married, and we don't get along, we don't want to be together, life keeps cheating on me (lol), we argue 24/7 and we get into physical fights so i have to break it off because it's a dysfunctional relationship. it's been a MOSTLY loveless marriage for 24, almost 25 years now and i just think that's enough time.
i do want to travel out of the country at least once but after that i think i'm gonna tough it out a couple of years and then i'm done! and that's cool with me, but i can't lie, i do have a strange tiny amount of hope that my birth chart held some sort of clue as to what my future brings, i geuss i was kind of hoping it said something like once a certain planet moved away forever i'd feel better about life and quit being so indifferent to the good things that ive been so lucky to receive. but it seems quite the opposite.
regardless, i do appreciate hearing your opinion! thank you!

First of all, you are an amazing writer. Your ability to paint verbal pictures is astounding. And your metaphor about life as a loveless marriage is very profound. I really feel I understand. However, the love of your son, as he grows, will grow exponentially. And as he learns to speak and share his feelings about his life, you will likely begin to feel too ashamed to even consider making him motherless. I am not saying that to guilt you, just saying, mother to mother , what may come about.

As for your chart and your transits, there may very well be something like you describe. NONE of us here has yet had the time to fully explore your chart. Heck, I am still exploring mine and I have been an astrologer for 40 years already.

IF your birth time is correct, then your Pluto sitting upon your asc is one of the major keys to your fascination with death. Pluto IS death, but it is also REBIRTH, and REGENERATION, and SEX. So give us all more time to mull over your chart before you make any more finite plans-go back to Thomas the Train for awhile, ok. LOL

[HeyPlayGirl]

Originally Posted by katydid

First of all, you are an amazing writer. Your ability to paint verbal pictures is astounding. And your metaphor about life as a loveless marriage is very profound. I really feel I understand. However, the love of your son, as he grows, will grow exponentially. And as he learns to speak and share his feelings about his life, you will likely begin to feel too ashamed to even consider making him motherless. I am not saying that to guilt you, just saying, mother to mother , what may come about.

As for your chart and your transits, there may very well be something like you describe. NONE of us here has yet had the time to fully explore your chart. Heck, I am still exploring mine and I have been an astrologer for 40 years already.

IF your birth time is correct, then your Pluto sitting upon your asc is one of the major keys to your fascination with death. Pluto IS death, but it is also REBIRTH, and REGENERATION, and SEX. So give us all more time to mull over your chart before you make any more finite plans-go back to Thomas the Train for awhile, ok. LOL

LOL @ the thomas comment. thanks, i know ur right about love,my child, and shame leaving him motherless. i can't argue with that. didn't know much about pluto until now. that pluto is weighing pretty heavy on me i think. i wonder how i can change pluto on my scorpio ascendant into something positive. it's hard having the strength to turn negatives into positives especially when ur just blah all the time.
haha i tried learning astrology but my god it's so hard, it's like calculus with planets!!!!!

[amzolt]

Originally Posted by HeyPlayGirl

i wonder how i can change pluto on my scorpio ascendant into something positive.

Try this exercise:

I'm going to list the words and phrases from my book for Pluto, Scorpio, and the 1st House. Take an option from the Pluto choices, add it to a choice from the Scorpio options, Add the Words, "in order to", then add an option from the 1st House choices.

Here's an example using the first option in each category:

Getting to the Depths of the Urge to Blend Perspectives in order to Focus on the Present.

Try All the possible combinations; I think you'll find at least one that "clicks" for you....

Pluto:
Getting to the Depths of
Transcending
Purging
Regenerating
Scorpio:
the Urge to Blend Perspectives
the Desire to Bond Deeply
an Analytical Attitude
the Worth of Others
1st House:
Focus on the Present.
See Things from My Own Perspective.
See Things Clearly.
Truly Be Who I Am.

[wilsontc]

PlayGirl,

You said:

Okay so first off i'm suicidal, i'm serious about it. dont want to do it now but planning on doing it eventually.

PLEASE talk to someone about this and get help. Here are some numbers you can call to get some help:
http://suicidehotlines.com/

According with our forum policy, I am locking down this thread since this forum is not a suitable place to discuss suicidal thoughts. Please talk to someone on the suicide hotline or to someone you know. You need to be talking to people who are focused on handling sucidal issues, not posting on an astrology forum.

Wishing you life and hope,

Tim