My father is dead to me

[PurpleRain]

I can't take the pain anymore. It's time that I either forgive him, or disown him. He's not a total jerk, just a deadbeat. Never did anything for me, and will not do anything in this world for me. Their is nothing in this world that he would do for me. But as far as his step daughters go, they are more his daughters then I will ever be. The man doesnt even know I hate the color pink, knows absolutly nothing about me. And the only thing I know about him is he likes to golf and he likes peanuts. He has no right to call me daughter.

When I was growing up, he lived right down the street from me and my brothers, but never made any attempt to try to be a dad. Sure we went over to his house every other Saturday, but never did anything fun. I have no memories of him except deadbeat. I hate his wife and her daughters, they are not family, and I don't feel like I'm with my family when we get together for our Christmas thing.

I remember being about 10 years old when I decided that my dad was lying to me whenever he said he loved me. I remember crying my eyes out and trying to sell my soul to the devil because I thought my life was so horrible. I gave up on myself at that time also.

Can anybody tell from my transits why I would even consider this, I don't believe these kinds of thoughts have ever entered my mind. I only see him at Christmas time, I agonize over calling him for b-days and father's day.

He now lives in another state. I just found out that he was in town a couple of weekends ago and doesnt even bother to call and let me know he is in town. It really makes me wonder how many times he visits without letting any of us know. Whats the point of seeing him for christmas, it just feels like he feels obligated to invite us over. I would just rather not go anymore, not worry about having to call him anymore, and not to feel this anxiety over him anymore. I'm not so sure I would even shed a tear if he really passed, and if I did it would be more from frustration and anger then from me missing him.

Why am I thinking about disowning him at 29 and not when I was younger. If I forgive him, that entails of me trying to emotionally connect with my father, but something tells me I will be the only one trying to fix this, and I have a hard time trying to understand why it is my responsiblity to make sure I know that my dad loves me.

I just want to burn down all the walls I have built.

[katydid]

When you were about 10 yrs old your solar arc Sun met up with your Uranus in scorpio. No surprise that you felt like cutting your father loose. You already knew he was not holding up his end of the bargain and never really would. Scorpio kids, especially 8th house kids, know a lot about the true emotions below the surface, and having the s/a sun conjunct uranus brought it all up to the surface. EPIPHANY.
That 8th house uranus squares mars, and so your dead beat dad may have affected all of your male relationships adversely. You may tend to expect the worst, and even bring out the worst uncounsciously, with the mars/venus square
chaLLENGING all your relationships. It says " Go ahead BE a jerk, because we both KNOW you are one!"

Saturn represents the father, and yours is in virgo in the 7th, squaring Neptune in Sag. . You may have found him to be wishy-washy and phony, and he may have turned to drinking to hide his bitterness. Saturn in Virgo can be very petty and critical and cold, and having it in the 7th makes one to one relationships difficult because it is hard to be happy. Or, it is hard to accept that it is okay to be happy.
Nothing our partner does or can do is ever really enough for us to feel fulfilled. It is a difficult placement, especially if the relationship with the father was strained. It can make us stuck in that unhappy, unfulfilled place, and make it impossible for husbands/partners to make us happy, as hard as they can try.

You asked WHY you are feeling all of this stuff NOW. Two main things jump out at me. Saturn and Uranus. As you surely know already, his is your Saturn return. Saturn is approaching it' natal position. What you are feeling is perfect for the upcoming transit. BUT First you had Uranus opposing your saturn, cutting your Saturn looose. Now you have saturn returning home, which is wanting to heal and mend things somehow. It is like a see-saw now in that area. Your Saturn return comes with a Uranus opposition atttached on the front end, so it is dramatic.
The Uranus opposition makes you crave freedom, space, new beginnings perhaps. But then the Saturn kicks in and you second guess that rebellious notion. RIGHT NOW you are in the middle of both of those transits, so the see-saw is swinging wildly perhaps.

I think your father does love you, but he does not know much about expressing it successfully. Saturn square Neptune describes dissapated, unresolved stuff that he does not know how to take responsibility for. He likes to ignore things, gloss them over, and deny the problems. But he does feel guilty, and most likely still medicates himself somehow to escape those bad feelings.
If you want to heal the relationships with men in your life, working on the relationship with dad will be primary. Maybe cutting him loose is the answer, maybe not. But digging deeper and looking at him from another perspective may help as saturn returns home to bring a new perspective, in relation to the previous Uranus opposition.

[PurpleRain]

Thanks so much Katydid. You summed everything I seem to be experiencing.

That 8th house uranus squares mars, and so your dead beat dad may have affected all of your male relationships adversely. You may tend to expect the worst, and even bring out the worst uncounsciously, with the mars/venus square
chaLLENGING all your relationships. It says " Go ahead BE a jerk, because we both KNOW you are one!"

I must say, this has also given me the ability to pick out all the deadbeats. I don't think I have ever been involved with one. I hope not at least.

7th makes one to one relationships difficult because it is hard to be happy. Or, it is hard to accept that it is okay to be happy.
Nothing our partner does or can do is ever really enough for us to feel fulfilled. It is a difficult placement, especially if the relationship with the father was strained. It can make us stuck in that unhappy, unfulfilled place, and make it impossible for husbands/partners to make us happy, as hard as they can try.

This is where my marriage seems to be going down the drain. I have the best husband in the world, it is because of him that my marriage is still intact. He would do anything in this world for me just to see me happy. He truely loves me, no doubt about it.

And then theirs me with my scorpio tendencies to withdraw. For the life of me, I can not figure out why the man loves me so much. I am a very emotionaly difficult person to be with. But he just sticks with me, and tries harder to make me happy. Meanwhile I continue to withdraw because I know that he just can't give me what I need, but I don't want to leave. I would just rather finally break in his arms and cry my little heart out. I feel like I can't really love anybody in this world, nothing is forever, and what is the point.

I think your father does love you, but he does not know much about expressing it successfully. Saturn square Neptune describes dissapated, unresolved stuff that he does not know how to take responsibility for. He likes to ignore things, gloss them over, and deny the problems. But he does feel guilty, and most likely still medicates himself somehow to escape those bad feelings.
If you want to heal the relationships with men in your life, working on the relationship with dad will be primary. Maybe cutting him loose is the answer, maybe not. But digging deeper and looking at him from another perspective may help as saturn returns home to bring a new perspective, in relation to the previous Uranus opposition.

I know that this has to be done, me talking about my feelings is the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I have never really opened up to anybody about anything. I know my dad regrets it. I was talking to him about a month, I forgot about what, but he did start to say something about not being there, and I thought I heard his voice cracking. I think the only thing that has convinced me otherwise of my dads love is what I can see in his eyes. It's always been there, both the love and the pain.

Thanks again Katydid. It's nice to hear from someone else that what I am feeling is not just crazy disillusionment spinning round in my head.

[astrologer50]

Saturn return is the 'growing up' and putting down roots kind of transit. Plus like Katyd says T Uranus is opposing from 1st to 7th, you (1) or other(7)

http://www.khaldea.com/kldaephem/2000/oct2009gmt.shtml

Middle Oct T Uranus retrogrades to Saturn's natal position and this time will be critical regarding your relationship with your father. Typical Freedom (uranus) v convention (saturn) At this same time T Saturn will sextile your Venus in (9th house Equal house system) offering opportunities to expand your belief system (9th) and structure them with your father. Also in this month T Neptune is also 23' approaching a sextile from 12th (behind the scenes, in private) to 9th house venus.

The sun opp moon is divided parents, but also takes maturity to integrate these two opposing energies within yourself. Your Moon is the handle of a bucket chart and has quincunx to mercury. So communications (mercury) can be at odds with how you want to emotionally communicate. Does this sound familar??

Your moon has a very close trine to jupiter in 6th in nick picking Virgo, so you emotionally find it easy to nit pick and go over details, details, details.

The past does not equal the future..........try to remember this

Sun conj uranus albeit a wide orb suggests impatience and wanting to do something that involves the pride,ego. Sun in 8th wants to transform and wants deep and meaningful. Moon conj Chiron shows the emotional wound you express from childhood.

Your mars square uranus suggests irritability and bad tempered on occasion and Saturn square Neptune is fear of unknown and the overidealisation (Neptune) was at odds with how you perceive your father should be (saturn)

IF your time is correct his disappearing act should be age 5 solar arc Neptune conj MC.

Your Pisces Asc is not helping too much at present cos like gemini and libra, all these three are restless, procrastinating and indecisive signs.

Your chart really lacks the elements of air or planets in air house to compensate, just saturn in house of libra. Lack of air could make sweeping statements with no logical thought behind them! tendency to over-emphasise the intellectual development, by way of compensation; they tend to read a lot or study subjects that interest them! The usually enjoy learning about theory and systems as their minds are always open to learning something new. This makes for interesting and diverse companions. Because this person could be so preoccupied with creative functions, emotional involvements or the realities of life, that the matters requiring rational or thoughtful consideration are usually given little attention or dismissed entirely. May not think (engage brain) before speaking on occasions! ‑ does not mean they are un‑intelligent though!

I remember being about 10 years old when I decided that my dad was lying to me whenever he said he loved me. I remember crying my eyes out and trying to sell my soul to the devil because I thought my life was so horrible. I gave up on myself at that time also.

Also note SA Uranus onto venus age 9ish, a break in a relationship. By age 14 SA Mars conj Jupiter in 6th should have been a time of confidence and expansion to do with studying and any physical sports.

[smilingsteph]

Wow your life story sounds just like mine. I have saturn in virgo in the 7th house and yes relationships can be quite cold.
The saturn return can turn your world upside down. It can bring up fears that you have held onto and make them so real that your entire life can feel like it can end at any moment.....but it wont! Trust me, I am there and went through the worst of it in 2007. I almost left him and ruined the only security and love I had, because of my insecurities. I am glad you are here, it was my Saturn return that brought me here. I am so much the wiser now.
That sun opposition moon can be tough, I have sun square moon which is harder.
There are elements in which you want to have the security of a loving relatinship yet, dont believe you deserve it or believe that it is there. The moon (your feelings) and your sun (your ego) cannot really give into eachother, so confusion can rule and you sway between being close and then distancing yourself. I think that after this Saturn return a lot of things will change in your life, then you will find that it was necessary to break the old fears and restrictions that held you down, to help you to grow to enrich your life.
The people in your life that caused pain or harm to you become the past, as you start to pull away from them to open the door to happiness.
That was awful that he was in town and didnt even stop to say hello. I think that there is a lot of guilt that he may have deep inside, so much that it is easier to not confront those deep emotional feelings. I hate to admit it, but I do this. It is easier to ignore the problems in relationships, because then we dont have to deal with feelings, something that Saturn in virgos can have a hard time with, (seventh house). Then again he may be going into his second saturn return, is he in his 60's?

[R4VEN]

PurpleRain (and is your user name a reference to Prince?) I was very moved by what you wrote in the opening post. Others have very effectively summed up the astrology. In particular, the coming Saturn return is opening the father-wound, so that you feel it all over again.

I'd also like to point out that you have Chiron conjunct Moon in the 2nd house in Taurus.......... the wound is "What am I worth?", and the emotional sensitivity is very, very high. Moon in Taurus is normally quite earthy and practical, but you also feel things at a much deeper level than most, and hurts are felt very deeply. I suspect that those 8th house planets in Scorpio find it hard to let go of anything - particularly the pain of old hurts.

FWIW, my ex-husband sounds a bit like your father. Since I left him over 24 years ago, he has not made consistent or sustained efforts to connect with his sons. When I first left, he didn't even ring his children.. I brought this up with him, saying that other separated fathers rang their children regularly. His reply was: "They know my number, so they can ring me if they need to talk to me." The children never rang him because he didn't ring them!!
He and I now have a beautiful grandson (4 years old today!!) whom he sees not through his own son, but through the child's mother - and the mother's family have been working hard to deny my son access to the child. I am continually being outraged by this man's weak behaviour, but my sons have accepted who he is, and have let go of the need to have a father in their life. I know that my youngest - the little boy's father - harbors anger towards his father, but you can't even lead a horse to water in this case, let alone make him drink it.

In your case, you are a woman, and so this father-issue seems to be impacting on your relationships with men - your husband in particular. With Chiron in opposition to your Scorpio sun, I feel that the impact your non-relationship with your father has had on your sense of: Who Am I, and What Am I Worth? is at the crux of this. That is, this isn't about him, this is about you. What will you do with this pain? Work with it, or be crushed to a pulp by it? I feel that you are perhaps holding your pain too close; you have a need to use it to do something for yourself. Your Saturn Return should lead you through this process.

[smilingsteph]

Purplerain-

You said:
I just want to burn down all the walls I have built.

You do have Saturn in your seventh house, I didnt even look at the chart, when I first replied.
I dont want to freak you out, with this Saturn return thing, these are just things I had happen with Saturn going into my 7th house again.
Trouble with my marriage, trying to dissolve the hurts from the father I dont know- knowing he too could contact me. This ended up breaking down a lot of walls I had built, and I somehow got the man that treated me the best in the mix; my husband.
I thought the grass was greener on the other side with relationships
I had a lot of trouble with relationships with superiors, or people above me

The best things about my Saturn return:
I moved! I left this place where I lived almost 8 years, and moved to a place where I had been wanting to for years!
I cleaned out so much junk both from my external and internal closet
I had to look at myself, really take about two years to see who I really am, and I am a good person
I had to simplify my life, so that making these internal changes was much easier.
Towards the end, my relationships that did not need to be, ended. Which was a huge load off my back.
I found my sense of religion

Basically if anytime in my life I was the busiest taking care of "me" it was at this time. I even started journaling, going to the gym, hiking...basically I turned inwards to help myself.

We both have Chiron in the second, and I find that it is hard to have that there. Dealing with self-worth issues are hard. You might even help others with their own self worth. Saturn in the 7th.
We both have Neptune flying around near the MC. No wonder why I felt like I was identifying with you so much. We were also born the same year!

If you need any help just ask! This is a hard time, but I am so much better off for it!