Thank you so much for your replies! It helps a lot, because I feel so alone, helpless and hopeless. My natal sun is 26 degrees Libra, ASC 10 Leo, Moon 25 Leo, Mercury 18 Scorpio, Venus and Mars 11 Sagitarius, Saturn 11 Pisci, Jupiter 1 Cancer.
In the late summer 2011 this crisis started. I have chronic health problems since years and when Saturn was transiting my ascendent I was forced to discontinue my carrier as a singer, I was just to exhausted and my energy levels were too low. My husband was always very supportive and understanding, trying to help me and to be there for me. But since the autumn and the Saturn transit his behaviour changed- he went on the distance, because he can't deal anymore with my conditions, he is somehow burned out, he invested a lot of energy in me and he started to feel unwell, so he was forced to start taking care for himself. He has very responsible job and my feeling is that he is going through a midlife crisis too. So I started to feel left alone with my problems. I have anxiety, depressive moods and due to my chronic problems I feel tired and fatigued. I'm visiting a therapist, to talk with her instead to burden my husband all the time. I do so much for my health, I'm practicing yoga, visiting alternative health practitioners, taking care of my diet, sleep and so on. I actually can't do more.
During this heavy Saturn period I restarted my carrier as a singer, I'v got offers for gigs all the time, so I couldn't say no, I saw this as a sign that I have to move on, to do what I love to do and which I can do good. But after every gig I feel so very exhausted that I need few days to recover, my physical energy seems to be very low and this is causing me even more anxiety, which leads to depressive moods, although I feel happy that I'm singing again.
And I'm so very concerned about my marriage. Sometimes I think a divorce would be the best solution, because at the moment we aren't happy with each other. There is a big communication problem between us- like we don't understand each other, we interpreting the words of the other wrong all the time and this is leading to conflicts. We do love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough. When I feel anxious or depressed I think I'm trapped in my marriage, I would like to start a new, more exciting life, where I would be more happy. But this is maybe only a illusion, there is no fairy- tale prince waiting for me, who would offer me a perfect life and heal me from my conditions. I'm actually scared of staying alone with the both kids, I have no strength and nerves for such a step. Well, at them moment I feel more or less already like a single mum, my husband is working from morning till evening, on weekends he is spending his free time with his hobbies and friends, because he needs this to fill his batteries, like he is saying. We have started to going out once in a week like a couple, for the sake of our relationship, which is good, but I have the feeling until I don't feel more healthy, positive and cheerful again, my husband won't "come back" to me.
So I'm asking me all the time, does Saturn transiting my Sun actually mean a separation from the partner and I don't want to recognize this, or it means that due to the transit I only feel like my marriage isn't working anymore and after Saturn is over it would be better between us.
Or it's after the Saturn transit already to late for me if I have to make some dramatic changes in my life, to "heal" myself and be a happier person? I just don't know what to do...
I also don't know if it's the best for me to sing again regularly if this is costing me so much energy or I will actually regain my energy while doing what I love and having some success. I'm also financially totally dependent from my husband, which isn't a nice feeling.
Sorry for writing so much. Actually, this could be also interesting- 40 years ago, with a Saturn transit exactly on my Sun and IC, I have lost my both parrents and now I feel similar as then- alone, scared, hopeless, faithless. And I have a fear that something terrible may happen again to me, that I may loose my family again( or destroy it with some inconsiderate decision). My husband told me tomorrow that sometimes I'm unconscious destroying his own enthusiasm with my clinging and destructive behavior and this could harm our relationship even more. I'm not conscious of such behavior, I just try to keep my family together and to tell him that he should spend more time with me and the kids, but he understands this as an emotional blackmail. On the other hand I feel under huge pressure when he is expecting that I will feel positive and satisfied again...Its a vicious circle...
Thank you so much!
P.s. my husband has now a Saturn sextile with his ASC and Neptun transiting through his 7th house. If we should separate, wouldn't he also have some difficult aspects at the moment?