Thank you so much for all of your answers everyone.
I do feel a bit better today, since I am actually online talking to you, lovely people. I will take a moment and a breath and really think about
what all of you have said about me oing to the hospital.
It's something that we have where I live, and it's not an emergency case,
which means I'll be free to walk around town, be on my own, go home on the weekends, meet up with friends and everything. Just sleeping there, and not have to worry about food (it'll be prepered for me) and if I cant sleep I'll be allowed to be in bed (or atleats that's what my therapists told me)
I am in no way suicidal, I would never, and havent even given thought to ever doing that since a very close friend killed himself back in january 07.
When we were 17, it's shaken me to my core, and it stopped me from being harmfull to myself and the thought of ever doing that, I can tell you, it is never going to happen. I choose life, as they say.
I know from my previous depressions that there has been a feeling of "it's never going to change", but that's not at all what I feel this time.
I know it will change, I know it'll go away and I'll feel better.
Nothing lasts, I know that. But I still feel empty, and started to feel a bit scared and obsessive about food about a month ago.
Normally my big depressions last for about 6 months, but I'd like to get back to my life 100%, which is why I don't know if this hospital thing is the best for me. I get big control issues with food when I get depressed.
And I think that's what makes my therapist so scared, that I wont eat,
and since depression means loss of consentration, I never remember to get anything when I'm at the shop, so I just stand there for 30-60 min
feeling and looking lost, and then I feel like I'm having a breakdown, so I go home. And now it has been getting to the point where I really don't want to get out of bed, because walking seems so unbelieveably tiresome.
Today I feel alot better, than yesterday (I went and got takeout today, all on my own) but I don't feel ...good enough/perfect/well.
I think this is the biggest depression I've had, just because there seems to be no reason for it. I've had it hanging overhead since december,
but since about the first week of january it's been really bad, and as I say, the big depressions in the past has been about 6 months.
I feel slow, heavy, confused, down, and empty. Heavy emptyness, sortof.
Not really desperate and suicidal.
I agree with you, in that it wouldn't be such a bad idea to take the help that is offerd me. My therapist is worried since my family all live far away, and I'm definitely in the phase of 'shutting out' my friends, and I live in my own flat and I'm responsible for paying all my own bills and getting everywhere myself, so she's worried I won't turn up for a session, and then there'll be nothing she can do, if I don't pick up my phone (which i won't do when I feel low).
I guess, what I'm really asking is if there is an astrological explination for why. Why now, and how can it be resolved, or more like, what can I focus on to recover.
I will keep going to therapy (going the 8th) and I have a dr. appointment (on the 10). My therapist says she would like for me to think about going on anti depressants, but since my main focus or obsession when I get depressed is my ongoing battle with food, or indeed, without food,
I fear I'll feel worse when/if I take them and gain weight, which is one of the sideeffects. I have never been on any antidepressions before, as I say, I -KNOW- it will blow over, and everything will feel ok again, I have more faith, hope and believe in life and love and light than anyone I've ever know. Just sometimes it gets difficult, that's all.
Sorry this is such a messy response but my concentration is way off.
Thank you all so much for your help and your thoughts.
Please, keep 'em coming!
Og til deg Shanti - Takk, søta bror!