Astrology Jokes

[happyraccoon]

I don't know any; that's why I want this thread.

[Draco]

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

Draco :)

This one's on AW, found it quite funny.

[Arian Maverick]

My favorite is the Scorpio answer, especially if you picture someone saying it with a James Bond accent :D

There are three others on the Astrology Weekly main site, I believe...

Near Death Experiences and Astrology (http://www.astrologyweekly.com/humour/near-death-experiences.php)

How to Change a Lightbulb? & Astrology (http://www.astrologyweekly.com/humour/change-lightbulb.php)

Prayers and Zodiacal Signs (http://www.astrologyweekly.com/humour/prayers.php)

Aquarian Maverick

[happyraccoon]

Draco,
I love them.
People get so uptight sometimes about astrology (or about anything, actually.) This humour cuts to the chase.

Thank you.
Gobble, gobble.

[Summery Joy]

Cars and zodiac signs: What would the signs drive?


Aries: Something fast... and red!
Taurus: A volvo
Gemini: Car? you mean two cars.
Cancer: A family car
Leo: A limo.. with a chauffeur
Virgo: An economic car. Virgo will have it clean and neat and ready to drive everyone everywhere.
Libra: Will not be able to make a choice and will end up riding with friends.
Scoprio: something in a dark color.. fumed windows. No one will know what it looks like inside
Sagiattrius: What car? The Sag is on a plane right now.
Capricorn: A mercedes benz..
Aquarius: The waterbearer takes buses and subways. Cars are for snobby people.
Pisces: Doesn't matter. Pisces will always be too stoned to remember the partking spot.

[Arian Maverick]

I think we should try to think of a scenerio and guess how each sign would respond...perhaps it'll provide the fodder for more astrology jokes!

As you can tell, I simply cannot get enough of 'em... :wink:

Here Are Some Random Ideas:

Exercise/Weight Loss by the Zodiac
Holiday Shopping by the Zodiac
Assembling Complex Children's Toys/Computers/Furniture by the Zodiac
Driving Habits of Different Zodiac Signs

Aquarian Maverick

P.S. I'll post again if I can think up more...feel free to add to the list!

[Arian Maverick]

I've noticed that several threads have been started about astrology jokes, but they are spread apart in different categories and therefore may be difficult to find. So, like the good Virgo South Node native I am, I will search the forums and try to provide links to all the separate discussions :D

The Inevitable Lightbulb Joke (http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=844)

Zodiac Computer Viruses (http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=950)

Astro **** (http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=833)

Hmm, I really thought there was more. The search continues...

Aquarian Maverick

P.S. I think I finally understand why Leo's agent would call a Virgo to change the lightbulb for them :roll:

[Draco]

Nora,

I liked your car signs, did you make them up? :)

Beth,

Good idea. I'll have a go at thinking some up. More ideas: Phobias? Fetishes? Crimes?

Draco :wink:

[Arian Maverick]

Here is my first go at attempting to fabricate a complete astrology joke...so please go easy on me. I will be adding additions throughout the day as they come to me :wink:

Holiday Shopping by the Zodiac:

An ARIEN will be one of the first to arrive at the mall on Black Friday and, after fighting tooth and nail for a parking space and damaging their car beyond repair, they will shove, kick, bite, scratch, and claw their way to the front of each outrageously long line. Although they may reemerge from the fray a bit worse for the wear, they will be carrying armfuls of shopping bags containing only the best deals...would you expect anything less?

A TAUREAN will sit down in front of his/her computer and complete all of their holiday shopping online in one sitting, as long the room temperature is adjusted exactly to their liking and they have a pint of Ben and Jerry's at arm's reach. However, they will most certainly stop for bathroom breaks if the need arises and will abandon their task as soon as their stomach indicates that it is time for dinner.

A GEMINI

Since their traumatic experience during a Black Friday mall excursion several years ago, a Cancer refuses to leave their home during the entire month of December.

A LEO does not believe it necessary to give presents to their friends...they already have him/her, what more could they possibly want?

A VIRGO will have all of their holiday shopping completed before Thanksgiving (or Halloween if they are really good), but they may continue to shop sporadically throughout the holiday season to secure last-minute details and take advantage of the great sales.

A LIBRA naturally loves the social aspect of the holidays, but she can never decide what to give her friends. Therefore, gift certificates abound...but what store should she buy them from?

A SCORPIO

Although they promised themselves throughout the year that they would limit the number of friends on their gift list as they struggled each month to get out of the debt inflicted by last year's shopping spree, a SAGGITARIAN will inevitably succumb to the "spirit of the holidays" and spend every last penny on holiday cheer.

A CAPRICORN is too immersed in his/her individual financial plan to squander their hard-earned savings on frivolous gifts because of some arbitrary point in the earth's revolution. However, if they deem it to be advantageous for the future of their career, they may splurge on a designer item for their boss--but only if they really want that promotion (they do).

An AQUARIAN believes that the so-called "holidays" are too Christianity based and refuses to participate in the festivities unless all major world religions merge together to create a Great Brotherhood of Universal Peace. He/she spends the entire month of December progressing for social and spiritual reform, and urges their friends to do the same.

A PISCES does not buy or receive any gifts because they believe themselves to be all alone in this world, detached from the rest of humanity because they are the only ones who could possibly understand the true nature of human suffering. They spend Christmas in the company of their finest vintage wine, reading poetry and contemplating the tenuous nature of life.

Aquarian Maverick

[Draco]

Condoms of the Zodiac

Aries

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep.

Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.

Taurus

Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.

Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.

Gemini

Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order.

Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

Cancer

Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.

Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.

Leo

Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large.

Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.

Virgo

Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.

Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.

Libra

Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.

Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.

Scorpio

Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.

Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.

Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

Capricorn

Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.

With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

Aquarius

Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.

With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign. Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

Pisces

Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.

Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

[Arian Maverick]

OMG, did you make that up yourself, Draco? :o :D

This is a completely different side I haven't seen before...which one would you use? :wink:

Aquarian Maverick

P.S. Please don't answer the above question...I don't want to know :oops:

[Draco]

Hi Beth :)

No I didn't make it up myself unfortunately, I found it searching round on the net. It tickled me so I thought I'd post it.

which one would you use?

Ha ha. LOL. All of them. :D

Please don't answer the above question...I don't want to know

Oops! Sorry! :lol:

I still fancy having a go at making some up.

Draco :wink:

[Arian Maverick]

I still fancy having a go at making some up.

Maybe you can help me finish the one I started...I still can't think of a good one for Gemini or Scorpio :wink:

EDIT: Here's something else I found online

Snore Snigns:

Aries: Snoring so loud and forceful it actually butts into you with its intensity.

Taurus: Peacefully stubborn snoring; don't bother trying to wake them up.

Gemini: They snore until you try to tug at them to get them to stop; then they unconsciously change their mind and stop all by themselves, only to start again as soon as you roll back over.

Cancer: They can't sleep securely without a good snore and will get defensive about it if you try to deal with the fact that it's keeping you up.

Leo: They snore! They roar! And they're damned proud to hear a tape of their snoring which you made to try to evince a bit of sympathy from them. Good luck!

Virgo: Give them the tape you made for Leo; they will have it analysed and find new reasons to worry about their own nocturnal habits.

Libra: Loud yet beautiful, almost artistic snoring. You didn't think Venus could honk like that, did you?

Scorpio: Snoring that bores into your very soul, as you sit there wondering if it will ever cease long enough to let you get some shuteye.

Sagittarius: The snoring gets louder and louder, and when you wake them up they ask how much fun was it to listen, huh, huh?

Capricorn: Businesslike, rock-solid snoring. Snoring futures are traded regularly now at the NYSE; they all belong to Capricorns.

Aquarius: Your reputation as the water bearer is borne out when you drool like a faucet as you snore, making the experience of sleeping with you doubly awful. Welcome to the new age.

Pisces: Rather than give you a broad generalization, I'll tell you about my friend Cris the Pisces: he snores so loud that once, at a campsite, the other campers picked him up, bedroll and all, and carried him 150 yards away and dropped him in a meadow. He awoke, wondering where he was. Ah, the Piscean life is indeed mysterious at times.

Aquarian Maverick

[Summery Joy]

Draco,

Yes, I did make the car jokes up. Like your condom jokes :D


Aquarian Maverick (Beth?),

You said:
A LEO does not believe it necessary to give presents to their friends...they already have him/her, what more could they possibly want?

LOL. I thought the exact same thing when I first read the suggestion for a a joke about holiday shopping by sign. I'm a Leo by the way.


I got a new one, not so funny, but it is true to an extent.

Why are the signs interested in studying astrology?

Aries: Wants to be the absolute best who reads natal charts.
Taurus: <Can't think of anything. Any suggestions?>
Gemini: They were curious; as simple as that.
Cancer: <Can't think of anything. Any suggestions?>
Leo: They want to know what astrology says about Leos.
Virgo: A friend was interested and the Virgo wanted to help out.
Libra: Maybe a horary could help them make some choices.
Scorpio: Studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about their secrets.
Sagittarius: Why not?
Capricorn: studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about what motivates them.
Aquarius: Because most people don't believe in astrology.
Pisces: Astrology can bring the world together and make it a better place.

[Light]

What about Cancer doing predictive astrology? They want to know how many are coming to lunch, and need to get enough food in?

hel

[Summery Joy]

yeah.. good one hel

[Arian Maverick]

Oh yes...I am definately a combination of Aries and Aquarius!

I love studying offbeat subjects, and once I have completely immersed myself in the subject manner, of course I want to be the best :D

As for Taurus, well, my brother has Taurus Sun and Ascendent and I think he would be too lazy to learn astrology even if he could :wink:

Aquarian Maverick

[Summery Joy]

Alright you guys, it is complete. Thanks hel and AM.

Why are the signs interested in studying astrology?

Aries: Wants to be the absolute best who reads natal charts.
Taurus: Nah, they're too lazy to study astrology.
Gemini: They are curious; as simple as that.
Cancer: Needs predictive astrology to know how many people are coming over to dinner.
Leo: They want to know what astrology says about Leos.
Virgo: A friend was interested and the Virgo wanted to help out.
Libra: Maybe a horary could help them make some choices.
Scorpio: Studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about their secrets.
Sagittarius: Why not?
Capricorn: studying other people's charts can tell you a lot about what motivates them.
Aquarius: Because most people don't believe in astrology.
Pisces: Astrology can bring the world together and make it a better place.

[Danae]

more astro jokes here:

http://www.aquarianage.org/lore/jokes/index.html


The Twelve Tickles

list of reactions:

Aries would have tickled back until *you* were begging her to stop.

Taurus would just roll over and sit on you.

Gemini would have giggled and tickled back, then realized that she had forgotten what she was going to say just before the tickling started.

Cancer will just get up without saying anything, walk into her room, and slam the door. She won't come out for hours and will bring up the whole incident ten years later in the middle of a fight.

Leo would get extremely offended, and would look at you with utter incomprehension when you explained that it was only fair, since she felt free to tickle you.

Virgo will stare at you without laughing until you stop.
Libra would have enjoyed it until it messed up her outfit.

Scorpio will at first succumb to the tickling, then suddenly, through an effort of sheer willpower, regain her composure, stare you fixedly straight in the eye and say, "Stop it! now! or else!"

Sagittarius would have tickled back, then when you were in the other room, started tickling the guy sitting on her other side.

Capricorn never gets tickled because she's always working late at the office.

Aquarius would have quietly extricated herself with a small smile while trying to think of a way the entire group could have fun with the tickling.

Pisces will at first hate the tickling, then decide she liked it, because, after all, it's what the other person wants.

[Danae]

A . . . walks into a bar, orders everyone a round of drinks and says:

Aries: Oh those are all for me
Taurus: Make sure it's all your finest............cheapest beer
Gemini: I'm gonna grab the ***....err hands of everyone in this joint!
Cancer: I'll go drink mine in the corner and cry.
Leo: Everyone love me for being so generous
Virgo: Hmmm are those glasses clean? I don't want to complain but something smells a bit odd.
Libra: I love you allll...now i have to go to a better bar with cooler people.
Scorpio: *poisons all the drinks* The antidote is only $700 a person!
Saggitarius: You're all great I tell you, you just are kinda ugly, but plastic surgery does great things these days!
Capricorn: *notes beer in check book* Yes this fits in to my budget I suppose, make mine vodka on the rocks.
Aquarius: Oh you're all so fabulous I love you all! Lets all get naked and show off what god gave us! Especially me, LOOK AT ME
Pisces: wow you're all such groovy, the vibe in here is amazing, *injects heroin*

_________________


Cleaning by the signs

ARIES: gets competitive over who's the speediest sweeper or whose rag is dustiest.

TAURUS: goes over the same spot a million times with the vacuum, refusing to bend down to pick up the offending crumb.

GEMINI: finishes their chores in half the time of everyone else.

CANCER: becomes preoccupied with your photo collection.

LEO: spends all day polishing down the mirrors.

VIRGO: SO doesn't need your help.

LIBRA: keeps saying "don't I look adorable in this apron?"

SCORPIO: makes the bed, fluffs the pillows and asks for volunteers to test it out with them.

SAGITTARIUS: doesn't like being stuck inside. Send them out for some fun on your riding lawnmower.

CAPRICORN: weighs the pros, cons and financial incentives and may decide to go with a better offer.

AQUARIUS: organizes your piles of junk into charity, recycle and compost.

PISCES: asks to do the windows and then keeps staring out into the yard.
_________________

Born to Shop!

Aries: Everything is marked "New and Improved"! Just Loves the "free sample" stands in the supermarket. Pay with whatever their latest account offers.

Taurus: Buys the same brand forever, but only the best. Decisions are made on the basis of test reports in consumer magazines. Pays cash.

Gemini: Has to buy at least two of everything and are total suckers for the impulse purchase at the checkout. Pay with cash-card or credit-card, as long as there is direct electronic link to bank. No hand-written vouchers please.

Cancer: Buys recycled and biodegradable everything that they can't grow themselves (organically, of course). Pays with old notes.

Leo: Buys the biggest of everything. This is not for economy, but so that everyone can see the purchases in the trolley. Pays with Amex gold card... what do you mean, you don't accept Amex?

Virgo: Buys only what is on the shopping list, unless it happens to be exceptionally beautiful packaging. If the label is torn, it's not good enough. Pays cash and gives exact amount; no change necessary. Uses discount vouchers.

Libra: Spends twice as much time as anyone else. Also buys two of everything, but in different brands; one might be better than the other. Hovers at the checkout trying to decide how to pay.

Scorpio: Doesn't just go shopping. They *purchase comestibles* of Champagne and caviare. Oh, and whipped cream for later. They don't pay. The account is handed to the latest lover, whose allowance covers it all.

Sagittarius: Shops while wearing a Walkman playing Beethoven and everything has a foreign, unpronouncable label. Pays with a credit card which has a picture of Bangkok on it.

Capricorn: Buys exactly what is on the list and checks every can for price and "best before" date. Will buy two if it is essential and on sale. Checks the slip before handing over the cheque. Updates stub balance on the spot and mentally calculates interest lost.

Aquarius: Shops at craft markets when she's not supplying them, or better still, running them. Just Loves that darling little creative number --- which is perfectly useless. Pays with lots of change and small notes.

Pisces: Her husband does the shopping or else they wouldn't eat.

[sam]

Cancer will just get up without saying anything, walk into her room, and slam the door. She won't come out for hours and will bring up the whole incident ten years later in the middle of a fight.

:lol: so true

[Arian Maverick]

Pisces: Her husband does the shopping or else they wouldn't eat.

Ha, this is incredibly true with my Pisces father...especially when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't think I've EVER seen this man buy himself a sweater :o

Keep the jokes coming, everyone! :wink:

Aquarian Maverick

[Light]

Ha, this is incredibly true with my Pisces father...especially when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't think I've EVER seen this man buy himself a sweater

You mean men......actually.....shop????? Faints on floor in shock! :shock:

Oh silly me, of course they do - who keeps the electrical stores in business?


I have never, ever seen a man in a supermarket, though. How do they feed themselves?

Sorry not a joke, just aquamav revealed something I never never knew about. :lol:

hel

[Danae]

LIFE

ARIES
“Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.”
“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.”
“Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.”
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
“Why does a person even get up in the morning? You have breakfast, you floss your teeth so you'll have healthy gums in your old age, and then you get in your car and drive down I-10 and die. Life is so stupid I can't stand it.”

TAURUS “
The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.”
“Life is a long lesson in humility.”

GEMINI
“It is not length of life, but depth of life.”
“All life is an experiment.”
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.”
“Everything has been figured out, except how to live.”

CANCER
“Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.”
“Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.”
“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”
“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

LEO
“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”

VIRGO
“Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.”
“The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.”

LIBRA
“Unbeing dead isn't being alive.”
“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.”

SCORPIO
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”
“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”
“There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last.”

SAGITTARIUS
“To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.”
“May you live every day of your life.”
“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

CAPRICORN
“You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.”
“But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.”
“My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.”
“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.”
“This life is worth living, we can say, since it is what we make it.”

AQUARIUS
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
“Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way round.”
“There is no wealth but life.”
“I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.”

PISCES
“Life is wasted on the living.”
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".”
“If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.”
_________________

All the World's a Stage

The Ascendant is the Stage itself!
The Sun is the Star of the show!
The Moon is the Audience!
Mercury is the playwright and script editor!
Venus is the talent scout, but also the romantic leading lady and the supporting cast!
Mars is the choreographer and perhaps the whole chorus line!
Jupiter is the director and producer!
Saturn is the theatre critic!
Uranus is the sound & light technician, but also the publicity agent!
Neptune is the orchestra, but also the costume & set designer responsible for the illusion the show projects!
Pluto is the investor and creditor who puts up the money for a later return!

[Danae]

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

[Summery Joy]

Very funny Danae. Keep them coming.

[Arian Maverick]

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

I've always loved this one...sounds like something I would do :D

Aquarian Maverick

[sita]

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.


Totally, AM. This rebellion **** has been my fall from grace more than once. Funny to remember that NOBODY wants to deal with it,, not even Satan. :twisted:

Sita

[sita]

It must be hard being the butt of so many jokes. :lol:

Is that black hole near URANUS?

Is URANUS the one with the big red spot?

And what are those rings around URANUS, anyway?

URANUS was discovered by William Herschel on March 13, 1781. Apparently the silly goose first thought he'd found a comet. Imagine -- mistaking URANUS or a humungous flying object.

URANUS makes earth seem small.

Due to the poisonous gases that exist, human life can not survive anywhere near URANUS.

New scientific studies reveal that there are not five moons on URANUS, but only two, very large moons.

Although URANUS is very far from earth, due to its large size there is no surprise it took humans so little time to find it.

While we may never see URANUS up close, that's probably a blessing in disguise considering the planet's gaseous makeup.

With an Aquarius Acsendant, you should all know that I am ruled by URANUS. :!:

And I can tell you with great certainty that people from URANUS are such assholes :mrgreen:

[Arian Maverick]

With an Aquarius Acsendant, you should all know that I am ruled by URANUS.

Ha ha, I'm ruled by Uranus too...and it's in the eleventh house of hopes and wishes. So, naturally, this means I wish I had Uranus :D

Aquarian Maverick

[Terravega]

Reading the jokes about near death experiences by sign, I was laughing hard, slapping my knee, totally enjoying them, until.... the Scorpio one. Silence. "Hey, that's not funny... it's true."

[Arian Maverick]

I take it that you're a Scorpio, then? :mrgreen:

Aquarian Maverick

[Terravega]

How could you tell? :lol: Yes, I have a Scorpio stellium that can probably be as tiresome as you say your Aries stellium can be. Wanna trade? Masculine Mars for feminine Mars? Hmmm... don't know if that would give either of us any relief....

Folks with strong Arien placements always blow me away. Just watching you guys go makes me feel like taking a nap!

[Arian Maverick]

How could you tell? Yes, I have a Scorpio stellium that can probably be as tiresome as you say your Aries stellium can be. Wanna trade? Masculine Mars for feminine Mars? Hmmm... don't know if that would give either of us any relief....

LOL! That would be great, playing a game of astrology-swap for a day...I love Scorpios! :mrgreen:

You have a point though...we're probably two of the most intense signs of the Zodiac (in different ways, of course). Mars Wars in action! :roll:

Folks with strong Arien placements always blow me away. Just watching you guys go makes me feel like taking a nap!

Oh yes...now simply try to imagine how much energy I would have if it wasn't past midnight in my timezone! :D

Aquarian Maverick

[Terravega]

Mars Wars and how! I can tell you some hair raising stories about the fights my little brother (who also has an Arien stellium) and I used to get into. There were 6 rowdy kids in our home in those days, but let the Aries and the Scorpio start going at it, and watch the other four get real still and quiet. No one dared intervene, for fear of getting rammed or stung. Everyone just silently watched to see who would be the first to get the frying pan in the head. Even parent types!

We never stayed mad at each other for long, though. And I can hold a grudge if it's necessary, believe me. But not against him. Never. He's like my child, in a way. And as long as he is at my feet, raptly taking in my wisdom, we get along famously! Let him challenge me, though - and when he does, it's always sudden and fiery, in the nature of rebellion - and the sparks fly! Then it becomes a game of who can be the hottest, the scariest. And with Aries and Scorpio, it usually ends up in a stalemate.
:lol:

[Arian Maverick]

We never stayed mad at each other for long, though. And I can hold a grudge if it's necessary, believe me. But not against him. Never. He's like my child, in a way.

Aries is the baby of the Zodiac, remember! :D

Aquarian Maverick

[Terravega]

Aquarian Maverick,

I want to ask you more about your Arien stellium sometime, if you're willing to share more details about it. My brother may not be handling his very well. Please look for a post in Natal/Predictive astrology in the next few days.

By the way, what makes you Aquarian Maverick?

[Arian Maverick]

By the way, what makes you Aquarian Maverick?

My Aquarius Rising, of course! I've also got a strong Uranian influence in my chart; the planet was stationary retrograde the day I was born, and it is located in my 11th house--the traditional house of Aquarius.

Besides, I seem to resonate really well with the energy...the Aries stellium simply energizes the oddness! :mrgreen:

Aquarian Maverick

[23]

By the way, what makes you Aquarian Maverick?

My Aquarius Rising, of course! I've also got a strong Uranian influence in my chart; the planet was stationary retrograde the day I was born, and it is located in my 11th house--the traditional house of Aquarius.

Besides, I seem to resonate really well with the energy...the Aries stellium simply energizes the oddness! :mrgreen:

Aquarian Maverick

I'm the opposite, Aqu with Aries asc, it just makes me an angry justice seeking person :P :D

[Arian Maverick]

It looks like I can join you with the Aries Ascendent now, but I know I have a bit of a renegade in me somewhere :wink:

Beth

[Summery Joy]

It looks like I can join you with the Aries Ascendent now, but I know I have a bit of a renegade in me somewhere :wink:

Beth

Huh? You have a new ASC now?

[Arian Maverick]

Huh? You have a new ASC now?

Oh yes...I'm a quintuple Aries now! :mrgreen:

See the thread I Have Been Using the Wrong Natal Chart This Entire Time (http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1256) for the full story, though you should be able to get the gist of the situation from the title alone :wink:

Arien Maverick

[CalicoDreams]

Sagittarius: The snoring gets louder and louder, and when you wake them up they ask how much fun was it to listen, huh, huh?


I would totally do that :lol:

[Draco]

Hi all,

Notice attached to the window of an astrology shop:

'Closed, due to unforeseen circumstances'.

(Groan) :?

Draco :wink:

[Arian Maverick]

Is that an actual notice you saw, or did you think of that clever statement yourself? 8)

Arian Maverick

[Laura Elizabeth]

Pisces: Her husband does the shopping or else they wouldn't eat.

Ha, this is incredibly true with my Pisces father...especially when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't think I've EVER seen this man buy himself a sweater :o

Keep the jokes coming, everyone! :wink:

Aquarian Maverick

That's a Pisces thing? I thought it was all my Virgo :D

Hate, loathe, shopping. Rather have my liver eaten by vultures. While I watch! Though, with Cancer rising, I will go food shopping. But only when there nothing, NOTHING, left in the house to eat.

[Draco]

Hi Mav,

Is that an actual notice you saw, or did you think of that clever statement yourself?

I think I've seen it in shop window's and wondered how funny and ironic it would be if it was in the window of an astrologer of 'psychic'.

I think I might have also seen it as a cartoon in a British newspaper, I'm not sure.

Draco :wink: [/quote]

[Katles]

:D How many members of your astrological sign does it take to Change A Light Bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

[Anunitu]

yeah, pisceans like myself tend to need others to do some basic things.
My mom's an aries sun...when i go visit her she drags me out of the house and takes me shopping for clothes...i usually don't know what i need and even then i get distracted and buy something i don't need...and i don't know what i need...that would be the case really. we're clueless idiots, to answer short (but in a good way)! oh and aries in general are the best when it comes to landing a hand to a distracted pisces ;) maybe someone with strong leo affinities..but only if they can get along. oh! and Virgo! but i tend to stand away from them...creep me out.

[Anunitu]

As you can tell, I simply cannot get enough of 'em... :wink:


I found something..they are just random jokes for each sign, i thought some of them were funny.

Aries like to overfeed their fish.

Tauruses need to dump that zero and get themselves a hero.

Geminis like to eat their food one item at a time in order of color from red to yellow to green and prefer their food components not to touch but will eat anyway if they are hungy enough.

Cancers like to open cans of soda in a quiet classroom.

Leos like to purchase things from television commercials because they are not available elsewhere.

Virgos would order pumpkin pie if available, but enjoy almost all other varieties of pie.

Libras like to kill people who are, like, really into that astrology stuff.

Scorpios like to fake an interest in sports when talking to coworkers.

Sagittariuses think there is a better plural for their sign: "Hey just call us jerkfaces!"

Capricorns think they all that but they ain't.

Aquariuses like to go to the zoo and pretend they are the ones being watched and the animals are just visitors.

Pisces like to think the low level of effort they put into choosing clothing is a rejection of societal pressure to be classified into a subcultural subgenre at first glance but really they are just lazy.

:) but much funnier with the drawings...
unfortunately i can't post url's yet.:o

[smilingsteph]

guys dont take too seriously but this is funny, R rated, fyi....curse words I tried to get rid of them however, too...but it is funny!

Taurus
These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach
to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The
typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna f&*%^?" The typical Taurus
comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one *******
in my pants."

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him.
He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore,
and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's
business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show
for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll
see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are
for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or
"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex.
In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can
chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged
love life.
2. Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an
enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then
go do something absolutely different, they are not being
two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they
know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle
of Gemini.

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes
always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they
are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men
are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by,
and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie!
ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers,
"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my
life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught."
Women, especially, love to pri76tease, and then when the guy falls
all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely
interested. *****.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are
easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini
parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar.
Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts,
even when neither of their parents have sisters.

3. Cancer (June 22-July 23)

This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac.
Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse
is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at
home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late
at the office to earn more bread for the family home.
Cancers get married. And fu%&*$. And married. But who's counting?

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves
a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for play is, and she'll
say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out
the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented
to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good
time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably
a Cancer.

4. Leo (July 24-August 23)

With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have
to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic,
which helps a lot in the free fu&* department.
However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make
great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a
candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a
classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses
her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do
is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other
feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant,
someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on.
On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get
in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell
fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous.
The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and

5. Virgo (August 24-September 23)

A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people
who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A
Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards
sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.

People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming,
and 'lives of the party', but they usually ***** it up by hiding
their emotions.

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat
covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people
who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom
isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers,
if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after.
And if you even touch a Virgos a-hole kiss your tryst goodbye.

6. Libra (September 24-October 23)

Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be
right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery,
but only for a couple of seconds at a time.

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it.
Show me a woman who won't put out until she's had jewelry, candlelight
dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you
a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that
may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else
is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening
to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always
Libras.

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages.
Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a
well-behaved lover.

7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.
Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone
normally ends in (edit). The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc.
They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to
their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios
hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person
to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age,
they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.
Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They
think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every
penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted
marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just
depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't
have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by
their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until
someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios
fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.


8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people
freaking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the
party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes
of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and edit are
also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what
ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius
person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get
married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it.
A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an
obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the
hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as
amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the
leader of the PLO.

9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality,
hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend
to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,
Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they
really only have 3.

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they
are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class.
These are the true snots of the world. But they make good
supportive wives....especially the men.

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other
people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are
much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But
if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even.
They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees
when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end
up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate
lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since
they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most
original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians
have sex like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an
elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp
analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual
position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility.
Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are
a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented
by Aquarians.

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the
"pity *****." Someone having a rough time? Well, ***** em!
Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an
Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months.
It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session
lasts.

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't
give a edit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless,
slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign
are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass
them on.



11. Pisces (February 20-March 20)These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all thesigns. They often marryeach other, which shows what nerds they really are. And ofcourse they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun forthe rest of us.The constellation under which they are born is sometimes calledthe "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn'tenough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Exceptthat creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as aresult, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.12. Aries (March 21-April 20)Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovativeleaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are thefirst people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They arethe people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow itby the numbers.Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room whenthe boss's wife is horny. The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with thatlimber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same oldthing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top isnot a long leap for an Aries.

[Looking to Jupiter]

lol ss......i would agree totally.....lol.....thankgod i have a aqua rising to add to the cap sun.....

p.s i do get angry......lol

[smilingsteph]

I knew you would appreciate the jokes, seriously I thought about you when I was posting it thinking you would be the one to enjoy it, aquarius rising!

[Looking to Jupiter]

the only thing wrong with the jokes is the **********'s they are so hard to make out......i prefer the swearing personally...LOL

[blueheron]

Good one smiling steph...


http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll204/yanaar/laugh-2.gif



One of my favorites:

http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll204/yanaar/ch920420.gif

[Neptune Rising]

http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll204/yanaar/ch920420.gif

Love it :D
NR

[QuaOs]

It must be hard being the butt of so many jokes. :lol:

Is that black hole near URANUS?

Is URANUS the one with the big red spot?

And what are those rings around URANUS, anyway?

URANUS was discovered by William Herschel on March 13, 1781. Apparently the silly goose first thought he'd found a comet. Imagine -- mistaking URANUS or a humungous flying object.

URANUS makes earth seem small.

Due to the poisonous gases that exist, human life can not survive anywhere near URANUS.

New scientific studies reveal that there are not five moons on URANUS, but only two, very large moons.

Although URANUS is very far from earth, due to its large size there is no surprise it took humans so little time to find it.

While we may never see URANUS up close, that's probably a blessing in disguise considering the planet's gaseous makeup.

With an Aquarius Acsendant, you should all know that I am ruled by URANUS. :!:

And I can tell you with great certainty that people from URANUS are such assholes :mrgreen:




With URANUS going backwards now, expect the unexpected to come...